How do I let my fiancée know she made a terrible mistake with her hair?

[Anonymous]

buy her a wig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a potential spouse you both should be part of the decision. She sounds awful

+1 I've been married 20 years and I certainly want my dh to find my style attractive. Plus, I value his opinion as he picks better clothes for me than I do for myself. Obviously, I have to like my hair, too. But if he grew a beard or grew his hair out long enough for a ponytail and I hated it, I'd hope he'd take that into consideration.

I know DCUM is very conservative and traditional leaning, but this is sad to me.

WHY is that sad? I actually like it. I take my DH's wishes into consideration (keep my hair longer) and he takes mine into consideration (keeps his beard trimmed and not scraggly). I think that is loving.

I think it's controlling

Controlling? Controlling would be if he said, "I don't like when you wear short skirts" or "I don't want you to wear the color black anymore." It's nothing like that, and I didn't say anything that would make it sound like he tells me what to do in regards to my appearance. I said that I value his opinion, the same as I would if a friend told me hers. If I went shopping with a friend and I asked "Does this look good on me?" I would hope she would tell me honestly. And if I try on an outfit at home and I asked my husband that question, I would hope he would also tell me honestly. If I got a new hair color and he thought it was unflattering, I would like to know that he thought so. He's my best friend, and luckily for me, has great taste, too.

Regarding our attraction being shallow, our attraction runs far deeper than the physical aspects after being very happily together as a couple for 25 years. It's not as he won't hold my hand in public or have sex with me until I change my hair color, for crying out loud. Whether or not he likes an outfit on me or the color of my hair really has little to do with if he finds me attractive or desirable. It's about me caring whether it's a good look because I do care about my appearance. So perhaps that is shallow, in your view. I can live with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks matter in whether we are attracted to someone. Not all dramatic changes in appearance are for the better. If OP loves his fiancées black hair but she has now bleached it out, that will change the way she looks dramatically and he is entitled to an opinion about it. That doesn't make him shallow.

The beard thread should be full of posts saying it's ok for husbands or boyfriends to grow beards, even if they look bad. I'm betting a lot of posters here have made regrettable hair decisions st some point and are feeling defensive!

That is shallowness by definition. When I met my husband he had a head full of beautiful curls that I loved. He got cancer 4 years ago and thanks to treatment they all fell out and haven't grown back. His hair isn't and won't be the same. I still love him. Still find him wildly attractive and wouldn't dream of anything else

You are actually trying to draw a comparison between a spouse losing their hair as a result of cancer which could kill them, and a CHOICE of a new hair color?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a potential spouse you both should be part of the decision. She sounds awful

+1 I've been married 20 years and I certainly want my dh to find my style attractive. Plus, I value his opinion as he picks better clothes for me than I do for myself. Obviously, I have to like my hair, too. But if he grew a beard or grew his hair out long enough for a ponytail and I hated it, I'd hope he'd take that into consideration.

I know DCUM is very conservative and traditional leaning, but this is sad to me.

WHY is that sad? I actually like it. I take my DH's wishes into consideration (keep my hair longer) and he takes mine into consideration (keeps his beard trimmed and not scraggly). I think that is loving.

Np here it's sad because after 20 years the attraction is still shallow.

9 times out of 10 there's zero attraction after 20 years anyway, so maybe PP is on to something with taking her husband's opinion into account. Hmm!

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Looks matter in whether we are attracted to someone. Not all dramatic changes in appearance are for the better. If OP loves his fiancées black hair but she has now bleached it out, that will change the way she looks dramatically and he is entitled to an opinion about it. That doesn't make him shallow.

The beard thread should be full of posts saying it's ok for husbands or boyfriends to grow beards, even if they look bad. I'm betting a lot of posters here have made regrettable hair decisions st some point and are feeling defensive![/quote]

I am op of the beard thread. I wrote it 1) because it is true, and 2) because I found the answers here to be horrid. I figured it would be sexist -- basically, I need to bend over backward to make my wife attracted....

DCUM did not disappoint.[/quote]

Beard thread OP- It's been pointed out multiple times on your thread that growing a beard is not the same as changing your hair color. Growing facial hair=growing facial hair. Changing hair color/haircut=changing hair color/haircut. If you changed your hair color and your wife complained, then it would be similar situations.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Looks matter in whether we are attracted to someone. Not all dramatic changes in appearance are for the better. If OP loves his fiancées black hair but she has now bleached it out, that will change the way she looks dramatically and he is entitled to an opinion about it. That doesn't make him shallow.

The beard thread should be full of posts saying it's ok for husbands or boyfriends to grow beards, even if they look bad. I'm betting a lot of posters here have made regrettable hair decisions st some point and are feeling defensive![/quote]

I am op of the beard thread. I wrote it 1) because it is true, and 2) because I found the answers here to be horrid. I figured it would be sexist -- basically, I need to bend over backward to make my wife attracted....

DCUM did not disappoint.[/quote]

Beard thread OP- It's been pointed out multiple times on your thread that growing a beard is not the same as changing your hair color. Growing facial hair=growing facial hair. Changing hair color/haircut=changing hair color/haircut. If you changed your hair color and your wife complained, then it would be similar situations.[/quote]

Wow, you're really dense. It's not like saying she changed her hair and he changed his job. They are both significant physical appearance traits that contribute to overal physical attractiveness. You're really desperate here.

[Anonymous]

I would not be thrilled if my husband shaved his head, but I'd adjust.

I would not make out with him if he grew a beard, because they're scratchy and uncomfortable and gross. We both agreed on no facial hair long before we got serious though, so that wouldn't come as a surprise to him at all.

I'm a NP, but changing your hair vs growing facial hair ARE entirely different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not be thrilled if my husband shaved his head, but I'd adjust.

I would not make out with him if he grew a beard, because they're scratchy and uncomfortable and gross. We both agreed on no facial hair long before we got serious though, so that wouldn't come as a surprise to him at all.

I'm a NP, but changing your hair vs growing facial hair ARE entirely different things.

Not different. Facial hair is less scratchy than stubble, BTW.
His face. His look. His business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks matter in whether we are attracted to someone. Not all dramatic changes in appearance are for the better. If OP loves his fiancées black hair but she has now bleached it out, that will change the way she looks dramatically and he is entitled to an opinion about it. That doesn't make him shallow.

The beard thread should be full of posts saying it's ok for husbands or boyfriends to grow beards, even if they look bad. I'm betting a lot of posters here have made regrettable hair decisions st some point and are feeling defensive!

I am op of the beard thread. I wrote it 1) because it is true, and 2) because I found the answers here to be horrid. I figured it would be sexist -- basically, I need to bend over backward to make my wife attracted....

DCUM did not disappoint.

Beard thread OP- It's been pointed out multiple times on your thread that growing a beard is not the same as changing your hair color. Growing facial hair=growing facial hair. Changing hair color/haircut=changing hair color/haircut. If you changed your hair color and your wife complained, then it would be similar situations.

Wow, you're really dense. It's not like saying she changed her hair and he changed his job. They are both significant physical appearance traits that contribute to overal physical attractiveness. You're really desperate here.

Yes, they are both physical appearance traits. But they are not equivalent because their effects are not the same. My dh changing his hair color would not affect how I physically interact with him. So even if I didn't like it, I would be happy as long as he's happy. However, a beard will irritate my skin when I kiss or hug him. My dh growing a beard directly affects me but changing his hair color does not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do not tell her she "made a mistake."

You say, "I think I prefer it <however>, but as long as you're happy I'm happy. You always look beautiful."

This. Exactly this.

This, and ONLY if she asks for your opinion.

Yes, this. Just phrase it in terms of preferring the old look bc she looks so great like that.

And dial back the drama - nothing related to hair is a "terrible mistake", it's all temporary. If she wants to stick with the current look for a while bc she likes it, then leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I bet if you polled the women here who have been happily married 15+ years, most-to-all would say they care what their DH thinks about their hair, and they take it into account when thinking about their hairstyles. And they want honest feedback.

I have a little theory--it's "men want what they married." So if they married brunette/long hair/straight, that's what they want; it's hard for them to change.

Now that doesn't mean you don't change it for them, but I can tell you, my DH loved my long, hyper-permed 80s hair with the purple tinge.

It was hard to wean him off it...first the purple went out...then years later I grew out my naturally straight hair, and I still think that's hard for him.

Now we are in our 50s and I'm growing out my natural color, and have gray in my hair, and I know this is hard for him, too. Fortunately it's not an overnight change like hair coloring is. I'm compensating by really working hard on getting in shape, because of course, we married when I was in great shape. So I try to keep some factors constant. I'm also keeping my hair long. And dressing better--bonus!

His opinion matters to me, and his attraction to me, which is not something you can turn on or off, is important to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do not tell her she "made a mistake."

You say, "I think I prefer it <however>, but as long as you're happy I'm happy. You always look beautiful."

This. Exactly this.

This, and ONLY if she asks for your opinion.

Can't imagine NOT asking my dh for his opinion after doing something new with my hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not be thrilled if my husband shaved his head, but I'd adjust.

I would not make out with him if he grew a beard, because they're scratchy and uncomfortable and gross. We both agreed on no facial hair long before we got serious though, so that wouldn't come as a surprise to him at all.

I'm a NP, but changing your hair vs growing facial hair ARE entirely different things.

Not different. Facial hair is less scratchy than stubble, BTW.
His face. His look. His business.

LOL love that "btw" as though I've never kissed a man myself? In fact I've made out with bearded men, men sporting respectable stubble, and consistently clean-shaven men. I definitively hate kissing men with beards.

And... I never said my husband couldn't grow a beard, of course he can. Why are you trying to make it sound like I'm dictating rules about his person? But I would also exercise MY right not to subject my sensitive skin to that. If he wanted a beard more than he wanted to make out, we'd have bigger problems than hair.

[Anonymous]

eh, if your fiance has to pussy foot around the truth and walk around on eggshells pretending to "like" your new hairstyle (when he really hates it)....that is sad. And not much of a relationship.

Op, you should use some tact but, yes, I think it's fine to tell her that you don't like her new hair color. What you can't do is demand that she change back to her old color - that is her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Miss the old her." WTH? She's still the same person.

My god. Men are so simple.

+1 if anyone ever doubted it, they can just read this post.

+2

Absolutely laughable. Men are clowns.