Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

I am pissed because my father's health has gone sideways and my sister and I are stuck trying to care for him, which I know is awful, but there is a small part of me who thinks [b]couldn't you have just finished this gig, ma?[b] [b]

You are stuck? Really, really? Your dad never did anything for you, your whole life? Couldn't she have just finished this gig? If I was your mom, I would cut you off, you spoiled brat of a woman.

[Anonymous]

I am totally on the side of your mom, OP.

I don't know how you can complain about you and your sister helping your dad, but also complain about your mom for not wanting to do the same (when she has no obligation to do so). That's very hypocritical of you.

Your mom probably spent her whole life taking care of others, and finally gets a chance to take care of herself. Your dad is not her responsibility. She's happy. Let her be happy.

It's time for you to step up - plenty of us kids have had to take care of our sick, aging, and elderly parents - your situation is not special.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she has suffered enough in the hands of your father.
Ask your mother to watch the kids while you are helping your father or hire help.

[Anonymous]

It sucks OP but its reality so its worth taking time to accept it now. I doubt you would have these feelings if your mom was at least willing to say "i'm sorry, this is a hard situation for you and your sibling and that sucks and i'm sympathetic to your stress". Its the fact that mom is being intentionally tone deaf about the time pressures OP is under that is probably causing a lot of OPs feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

So what explains the lack of empathy to her daughter?

Does she owe her nothing also? You know since the daughter was the product of the failed marriage, does that make her disposable too?

You are being quite the drama queen. The mother is expressing that the fact that the father is sick doesn't mean she shouldn't get to see OP and OP's family. It is another expression of her zero fucks to give about the father. Certainly, it is exacting of OP's mother to expect that OP will apportion her time equally between two parents, one of whom is sick and one of whom is well. But the fact that OP's mother wants nothing to do with caring for the father, having care for the father cut into her family time, or hearing about OP's care for the father tells me there is acrimony involved here that OP is too selfish and self absorbed to notice. That father did that mother wrong and the reasons why the mother sought a divorce boil down to a whole lot more than freaking wanting to travel.

OP here. I, like most people who have divorced parents, did not get into the nuance of why they split. Because regardless of whether they didn't want to see each other, they were my parents and they both loved me and I truly love them.

What I don't love is the idea that I shouldn't feel frustrated that I'm going through a rough time, losing a parent to an eventual terminal illness, and just say you know what mom? It's 50/50. Come on down. Let's hit the American Girl Doll Store for brunch like you wanted. Sorry about the whole dying thing, dad. Your time is your time, buddy.

Am I crazy or isn't this screwed up?

You are expecting your feelings to take precedence over hers.

Let me flip the point of view here since you can't seem to see beyond yourself:

Is it fair to expect your mother who has just reclaimed her life from a man who ate up her youth to then cede crucial time with her family to this man and even be expected to carry her kids emotionally through the process of caring for this man? Why is it always about him? Why isn't it fair to expect her adult kids, who have chosen to carry the burden of their father's care, to manage that care while also realizing their mother matters and time with her shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems?

I feel like you are projecting.

If OP had any other ill dependent, we would expect her mom to have SOME degree of empathy for her. If OP was tied up caring for a sick DH or DD, it would be perfectly reasonable for her to say, "sorry mom, can't travel. Please feel free to visit anytime" or whatever OP needs to do to cope.

Mom needs to separate herself from the WHO is causing her DD these difficulties.

OP, you should stop discussing details of your Dad's condition and your Dad related schedule with your mother. Just focus on what you CAN do (meet you at the restaurant halfway between your house and mine?) and keep firm boundaries. Don't let her guilt trip you.

[Anonymous]

I understand where you're coming from Op. It feels as though your mom stuck it in there long enough to enjoy all of the benefits of being married to your dad but as soon as things start to get a little tough...she's outta there. Not her problem.

Now helping your dad pick up the pieces when his own health is failing... is suddenly your problem and you've got your own jobs, family, spouses to worry about. Your mom meanwhile is having fun and she won't even acknowledge that you've got an awful lot on your plate, in part, because she opted to ditch your dad when the going got tough.

I can't blame you for feeling resentful. At the very least, she should offer some babysitting assistance while you're over helping your dad.

[Anonymous]

I divorced my cheater husband and there is no way I would take such a callous attitude towards my kids in 20 years if they were coping with their Dad's problems.

And just because I did (by myself) all the hard work of parenting doesn't mean that I get to eschew responsibility for upholding my fair share of the relationship once they are adults. I don't get to say, "You owe me because I raised you".

I hope my kids like me as much as I like them when they are older, and that we all want to do our fair share of the effort to maintain a close relationship. But it's not reasonable to expect them to do all the traveling, visiting, planning, whatever - especially if they are dealing with a sick relative who is dependent on them.

That's just unkind.

OP I think your mom deep down probably feels guilty about saddling you guys with this and that's why she is reacting the way she is. She simply can't offer you sympathy because doing so would mean she has to acknowledge that it is, while not her fault, one of the consequences of her choice to spend her retirement enjoying herself. Now you two have had to step up.

As an aside: My dad cheated and left my mom to marry his mistress. Time and again he has demonstrated that he simply cannot accept that he ruined our childhoods/caused us pain because it conflicts with his image of himself as the world's greatest dad. My stepmother too talks about the affair as such a painful thing that happened to HER. Never has she acknowledged the pain she caused my mom and us kids.

Now *I* am projecting and getting off topic I know. But I've seen this time and again: People who just can't own it when their selfish behavior causes pain to their loved ones. People who go to great lengths/mental gymnastics to justify in their own minds how their selfish choice was justifiable.

Wouldn't it be so nice if your mom could say to you, "I'm so sorry for the position you've been put in. I would love to see you and the kids anytime you can. Let me know what I can do to help make that happen".

It would cost her nothing and do so much to make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my cheater husband and there is no way I would take such a callous attitude towards my kids in 20 years if they were coping with their Dad's problems.

And just because I did (by myself) all the hard work of parenting doesn't mean that I get to eschew responsibility for upholding my fair share of the relationship once they are adults. I don't get to say, "You owe me because I raised you".

I hope my kids like me as much as I like them when they are older, and that we all want to do our fair share of the effort to maintain a close relationship. But it's not reasonable to expect them to do all the traveling, visiting, planning, whatever - especially if they are dealing with a sick relative who is dependent on them.

That's just unkind.

OP I think your mom deep down probably feels guilty about saddling you guys with this and that's why she is reacting the way she is. She simply can't offer you sympathy because doing so would mean she has to acknowledge that it is, while not her fault, one of the consequences of her choice to spend her retirement enjoying herself. Now you two have had to step up.

As an aside: My dad cheated and left my mom to marry his mistress. Time and again he has demonstrated that he simply cannot accept that he ruined our childhoods/caused us pain because it conflicts with his image of himself as the world's greatest dad. My stepmother too talks about the affair as such a painful thing that happened to HER. Never has she acknowledged the pain she caused my mom and us kids.

Now *I* am projecting and getting off topic I know. But I've seen this time and again: People who just can't own it when their selfish behavior causes pain to their loved ones. People who go to great lengths/mental gymnastics to justify in their own minds how their selfish choice was justifiable.

Wouldn't it be so nice if your mom could say to you, "I'm so sorry for the position you've been put in. I would love to see you and the kids anytime you can. Let me know what I can do to help make that happen".

It would cost her nothing and do so much to make you feel better.

OP here. Thank you for this. Literally because it actually made me tear up reading this (well, you post and my sleep deprivation). I've spent so much time being confused and not understanding WHY my mother would act like this. Your comment is really helpful.

[Anonymous]

O.k. Your good with your parents' divorce and don't question that.

You simply resent your mother not acknowledging that you are going through a rough time and dealing with the death of your father.

You are emotionally drained right now and for your mom to expect you to be available for her own entertainment and amusement is too much. If she can't support you she needs to stay away for now. She's just adding to the burden when she expects to be entertained like that.

[Anonymous]

This is the stage in life you are in right now OP. It will be incredibly difficult for a little while and then it will change. Blaming your mother for not stepping up or for not babysitting isn't going to change the fact that you are in a challenging emotional state.

Has your mom always been vacant towards your emotions? Through childhood, through the teen years, college, etc? Has she always not been there for you?

If that's the case, then you shouldn't expect more at this point.

If that's not the case, then you should understand that this must be an area where she can not get emotionally involved for the sake of her own mental well being. If she's always been a good mother to you, but can't do it in this one instance then have some compassion for her as well for it must be a very crucial decision for her too.

I think it's sad that you and your sister want nothing to do with her because she has not come through for you during one period of time in your life throwing out all the other times in your life that she has. No one is perfect, not even mothers.

[Anonymous]

Reclaimed her life from a man who ate up her youth? Wow. PP, have you spent your youth chained in a dungeon? FFS.

[Anonymous]

If this mother can't listen and talk to her daughter for whatever reason, she can still be there for her. Babysitting her own grandchildren for a few hours, dropping by a casserole so that Op doesn't have to cook for once, offering to pick the kids up/drop them off at school or take them to after school activities. Maybe help the kids with homework.

But if all Mom wants to do is have fun while not acknowledging that Op has her hands full.....nope. That isn't right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]OP's mom really doesn't have an obligation towards anybody[/b], not to help her DD not to take care of grand children. And you know what, good for her, she obviously did a lot before, hence OP's entitled attitude. OP doesn't even know why they divorced, kids always know why parents divorced. It seems to me that OP was self involved person who never took interest in her parents, unless it benefited her. Now that it would benefit her that mom helps, mom is basically saying, screw you. I am old and want to have some fun and too bad, too sad for you, who never gave me and my needs a thought before.

You sound like one bitter, resentful person. Did no one ever tell you that having kids is a thankless job?

No one is saying that OP's mom has an obligation to do anything. But if she wants to have a relationship with her daughter, she has to play the relationship game, i.e. give a shit about the other person's feelings at least in the form of concern and empathy. Isn't this behavior you'd expect from any friend you'd involve yourself with?

Did no one teach you about relationship give and take? Or did you instead learn that martyring yourself was the only way to go and now your resentment about it has caused you to lose your mind?

What idiotic comment. Probably you are OP. Having kids is a ton of work, and certainly not a thankless job. Women were mothers long before Op decided to whine about it. There is no relationship game to play, OP is whining because she doesn't want to work, work with the kids, with her Dad with life. OP clearly wrote that mom should have just waited and took care of her Dad so she doesn't have to. OP sounds bitter and resentful, not me. People all around the world take care of kids and elderly parents, it's not a big deal.

PP, when you go around proclaiming others idiots, you're the one who sounds resentful and bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this mother can't listen and talk to her daughter for whatever reason, she can still be there for her. Babysitting her own grandchildren for a few hours, dropping by a casserole so that Op doesn't have to cook for once, offering to pick the kids up/drop them off at school or take them to after school activities. Maybe help the kids with homework.

But if all Mom wants to do is have fun while not acknowledging that Op has her hands full.....nope. That isn't right.

This. It's not difficult if she's not being a self-centered ass. It's not about the mom. It's not about the dad. It's supporting her children and helping. I do that for non-family all the time (and my friends for me). It's what decent people who care about each other do.