Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

Your mom is not his wife anymore, so I am not sure why are you mad at her? For not enduring a bad marriage and a dour husband until he dies? I am glad she got out of it. What you are saying is really selfish when it comes to your mom, basically that she should have stayed married and unhappy and overworked, so that YOU don't have to have this extra care. He is your Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

So what explains the lack of empathy to her daughter?

Does she owe her nothing also? You know since the daughter was the product of the failed marriage, does that make her disposable too?

You are being quite the drama queen. The mother is expressing that the fact that the father is sick doesn't mean she shouldn't get to see OP and OP's family. It is another expression of her zero fucks to give about the father. Certainly, it is exacting of OP's mother to expect that OP will apportion her time equally between two parents, one of whom is sick and one of whom is well. But the fact that OP's mother wants nothing to do with caring for the father, having care for the father cut into her family time, or hearing about OP's care for the father tells me there is acrimony involved here that OP is too selfish and self absorbed to notice. That father did that mother wrong and the reasons why the mother sought a divorce boil down to a whole lot more than freaking wanting to travel.

OP here. I, like most people who have divorced parents, did not get into the nuance of why they split. Because regardless of whether they didn't want to see each other, they were my parents and they both loved me and I truly love them.

What I don't love is the idea that I shouldn't feel frustrated that I'm going through a rough time, losing a parent to an eventual terminal illness, and just say you know what mom? It's 50/50. Come on down. Let's hit the American Girl Doll Store for brunch like you wanted. Sorry about the whole dying thing, dad. Your time is your time, buddy.
P
Am I crazy or isn't this screwed up?

You are expecting your feelings to take precedence over hers.

Let me flip the point of view here since you can't seem to see beyond yourself:

Is it fair to expect your mother who has just reclaimed her life from a man who ate up her youth to then cede crucial time with her family to this man and even be expected to carry her kids emotionally through the process of caring for this man? Why is it always about him? Why isn't it fair to expect her adult kids, who have chosen to carry the burden of their father's care, to manage that care while also realizing their mother matters and time with her shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems?

Pp you do realize the man is dying. And her father, right? That's hella petty.

Yes, OP's father. Not her mother's father. And you have no idea what might have transpired between OP's mother and her father to make OP's mother want nothing to do with him.

I'd offer more support to a neighbor whose father was dying than op is getting from her mom right now. Op's mom sounds immature and uncaring towards her daughter. In op's shoes I'd be upset as well. No one is expecting the mom to care for the dad, but some emotional support and some level of caring about op's feelings should be expected.

[Anonymous]

OP's mom really doesn't have an obligation towards anybody, not to help her DD not to take care of grand children. And you know what, good for her, she obviously did a lot before, hence OP's entitled attitude. OP doesn't even know why they divorced, kids always know why parents divorced. It seems to me that OP was self involved person who never took interest in her parents, unless it benefited her. Now that it would benefit her that mom helps, mom is basically saying, screw you. I am old and want to have some fun and too bad, too sad for you, who never gave me and my needs a thought before.

[Anonymous]

When my mom remarried late in life (my father had died), it felt as if my family and I had been forgotten. She stopped visiting altogether as her new husband had zero interest in us.

On the flip side, as she grew old and her health started to fail, she had a partner to help look after her and keep her company.

I still spent way too much time on eldercare when my kids were young and I should have been focusing on them.

[Anonymous]

OP when my mother was dying my Dad literally checked out AND THEY WERE STILL MARRIED! Living in the same house and happy marriage. It was so bizarre. The only good part of my Mom was that I was on maternity leave. I moved back him with a newborn and toddler to do 24 hour care. My sister would come to give me breaks but she had 3 little ones so it would end up that one of us would have 5 kids under 5 while the other took care of our mom (home hospice). It was horrific and really damaged our relationship with him. You need to make sure you Mom knows the damage she is doing to your relationship with her. This isn't stuff you get over easily. Sadly it sounds like you Dad is going to die and then you will be left with her and a damaged relationship.

Sorry about all this. It sucks. I decided after that to lower my expectations of people because they generally suck in times of need.

[Anonymous]

Op, does your Dad have money? It's time to hire help. He can't always be cared for by family. Some people don't have family. There are taxis, and home health workers, ... and many older people have to have help, and many don't have family.

Op, it's really as if your Mother has died. I mean, she's no use to you now re: your Father's care. Just assume she's gone. It happened abruptly: one day she was there, then she was gone. And now it's all on you. This happens to others all the time. Now - - I don't mean to treat her like she died. I just mean as far as any connection to your Father, unfortunately you'll have to

[Anonymous]

We just went through this before my FIL passed. At first MIL pretended the whole situation wasn't happening. But finally- she offered some help. She became more emotionally supportive just by allowing her kids to talk about it and she just listened, second she babysat the kids a couple of times so we could deal with FIL, and finally, she helped one afternoon when we were going through his pictures and old memorabilia.

Honestly- these are the types of help we got from friends and other family. It wasn't special or different because she was once married to him. It was just the sort of help you would offer to any close friend or family member going through a difficult time. I am sure it was a bit uncomfortable for her at times- but I was glad she moved past that and was able to be there for her kids in their time of need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

Huh? The OP is simply asking that her mom remain supportive of her. Mom doesn't owe dad anything, but she doesn't get to pretend he doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

Wowow, So your Mom finally gets some freedom and fun after a long lousy marriage and _after_ divorce... and OP is so resentful she won't let her enjoy her grandkids??? Wow the entitlement is mind boggling.. Why exactly is your dad her responsibility, help me here?

[Anonymous]

OP, what kind of support are you expecting, exactly? You haven't really articulated for US what that means you just keep talking about how she doesn't support you, so it's not inconceivable that your mom doesn't know exactly what it is you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]OP's mom really doesn't have an obligation towards anybody[/b], not to help her DD not to take care of grand children. And you know what, good for her, she obviously did a lot before, hence OP's entitled attitude. OP doesn't even know why they divorced, kids always know why parents divorced. It seems to me that OP was self involved person who never took interest in her parents, unless it benefited her. Now that it would benefit her that mom helps, mom is basically saying, screw you. I am old and want to have some fun and too bad, too sad for you, who never gave me and my needs a thought before.

You sound like one bitter, resentful person. Did no one ever tell you that having kids is a thankless job?

No one is saying that OP's mom has an obligation to do anything. But if she wants to have a relationship with her daughter, she has to play the relationship game, i.e. give a shit about the other person's feelings at least in the form of concern and empathy. Isn't this behavior you'd expect from any friend you'd involve yourself with?

Did no one teach you about relationship give and take? Or did you instead learn that martyring yourself was the only way to go and now your resentment about it has caused you to lose your mind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because I was raised in a generation where you were considered an adult at 18, and parents pushed you to be independent. I don't understand the entitlement so many express here, that they expect their moms to keep helping them and doing for them as adults. You're adults now. Your mom spent decades raising you and doing for you. Now anything she might be able to or willing to do for you is optional, a bonus, gravy. That's what being an adult is about. You accept what people have to offer, and the fact that at some point, the teat runs dry.

Yep once you're 18, out of the house and off the teat! Want your mother to listen? Too bad, you're off the teat! Want a mother to give you advice about about your two year old? Too bad, off the teat! Want some empathy when your father is dying? Too bad, you're over 18. Off the freaking teat!
Don't you see how ridiculous this argument is?

It will be interesting to see how this argument holds up when OPs mother is old and needs help managing care late in life. Somehow I don't think it will go over well for OP to say "you're an adult, deal with it!" And lament the lack of independence in the older generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

So what explains the lack of empathy to her daughter?

Does she owe her nothing also? You know since the daughter was the product of the failed marriage, does that make her disposable too?

You are being quite the drama queen. The mother is expressing that the fact that the father is sick doesn't mean she shouldn't get to see OP and OP's family. It is another expression of her zero fucks to give about the father. Certainly, it is exacting of OP's mother to expect that OP will apportion her time equally between two parents, one of whom is sick and one of whom is well. But the fact that OP's mother wants nothing to do with caring for the father, having care for the father cut into her family time, or hearing about OP's care for the father tells me there is acrimony involved here that OP is too selfish and self absorbed to notice. That father did that mother wrong and the reasons why the mother sought a divorce boil down to a whole lot more than freaking wanting to travel.

OP here. I, like most people who have divorced parents, did not get into the nuance of why they split. Because regardless of whether they didn't want to see each other, they were my parents and they both loved me and I truly love them.

What I don't love is the idea that I shouldn't feel frustrated that I'm going through a rough time, losing a parent to an eventual terminal illness, and just say you know what mom? It's 50/50. Come on down. Let's hit the American Girl Doll Store for brunch like you wanted. Sorry about the whole dying thing, dad. Your time is your time, buddy.

Am I crazy or isn't this screwed up?

You are expecting your feelings to take precedence over hers.

Let me flip the point of view here since you can't seem to see beyond yourself:

Is it fair to expect your mother who has just reclaimed her life from a man who ate up her youth to then cede crucial time with her family to this man and even be expected to carry her kids emotionally through the process of caring for this man? Why is it always about him? Why isn't it fair to expect her adult kids, who have chosen to carry the burden of their father's care, to manage that care while also realizing their mother matters and time with her shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems?

Wow. Their father's problems as you so callously put it is that he is dying from a terminal illness.

And yes, it is very selfish for the mother to not be supportive of OP during this time. I would treat an acquaintance better than the way OPs mom is treating her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

Stop projecting. We're talking about OP's hope that her mother would dial down the expectations of her daughter during difficult times. Not that the mother should care for her ailing ex.

Most mothers would help their daughters somehow. Watch the kids once in a while, for instance. I don't know. I'm sure there are ways OP's mom could help instead of demanding to spend more time with her. I agree with those who say that this mom is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous[b wrote:]OP's mom really doesn't have an obligation towards anybody[/b], not to help her DD not to take care of grand children. And you know what, good for her, she obviously did a lot before, hence OP's entitled attitude. OP doesn't even know why they divorced, kids always know why parents divorced. It seems to me that OP was self involved person who never took interest in her parents, unless it benefited her. Now that it would benefit her that mom helps, mom is basically saying, screw you. I am old and want to have some fun and too bad, too sad for you, who never gave me and my needs a thought before.

You sound like one bitter, resentful person. Did no one ever tell you that having kids is a thankless job?

No one is saying that OP's mom has an obligation to do anything. But if she wants to have a relationship with her daughter, she has to play the relationship game, i.e. give a shit about the other person's feelings at least in the form of concern and empathy. Isn't this behavior you'd expect from any friend you'd involve yourself with?

Did no one teach you about relationship give and take? Or did you instead learn that martyring yourself was the only way to go and now your resentment about it has caused you to lose your mind?

What idiotic comment. Probably you are OP. Having kids is a ton of work, and certainly not a thankless job. Women were mothers long before Op decided to whine about it. There is no relationship game to play, OP is whining because she doesn't want to work, work with the kids, with her Dad with life. OP clearly wrote that mom should have just waited and took care of her Dad so she doesn't have to. OP sounds bitter and resentful, not me. People all around the world take care of kids and elderly parents, it's not a big deal.