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[quote=Anonymous]I divorced my cheater husband and there is no way I would take such a callous attitude towards my kids in 20 years if they were coping with their Dad's problems.

And just because I did (by myself) all the hard work of parenting doesn't mean that I get to eschew responsibility for upholding my fair share of the relationship once they are adults.  I don't get to say, "You owe me because I raised you".

I hope my kids like me as much as I like them when they are older, and that we all want to do our fair share of the effort to maintain a close relationship.  But it's not reasonable to expect them to do all the traveling, visiting, planning, whatever - especially if they are dealing with a sick relative who is dependent on them.

That's just unkind.

OP I think your mom deep down probably feels guilty about saddling you guys with this and that's why she is reacting the way she is.  She simply can't offer you sympathy because doing so would mean she has to acknowledge that it is, while not her fault, one of the consequences of her choice to spend her retirement enjoying herself.  Now you two have had to step up.

As an aside:  My dad cheated and left my mom to marry his mistress.  Time and again he has demonstrated that he simply cannot accept that he ruined our childhoods/caused us pain because it conflicts with his image of himself as the world's greatest dad.  My stepmother too talks about the affair as such a painful thing that happened to HER.  Never has she acknowledged the pain she caused my mom and us kids.

Now *I* am projecting and getting off topic I know.  But I've seen this time and again:  People who just can't own it when their selfish behavior causes pain to their loved ones.  People who go to great lengths/mental gymnastics to justify in their own minds how their selfish choice was justifiable.

Wouldn't it be so nice if your mom could say to you, "I'm so sorry for the position you've been put in.  I would love to see you and the kids anytime you can.  Let me know what I can do to help make that happen".

It would cost her nothing and do so much to make you feel better.  [/quote]

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