"You agreed to give your body to me" What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have had a below average sex life all along, and lately it's been pretty much nonexistent. I was a virgin when we married and honestly I have never really liked sex. He told me recently after an argument about sex that "when we got married you agreed to give your body to me." What?? I know, he's not attacking me, so I don't want to say he's all rapey, and we actually get along quite well in other areas, but am I wrong to think that was a horrible thing to say? Do we give our bodies to our husbands when we marry them?

Why the hell else would a man want to get married?

Marriage is an EXPLICIT agreement - consent - to have sex. DUH!

[Anonymous]

One more question: does he know you only orgasm thru oral (are you faking it during sex so he thinks you're getting the same satisfaction as he is)?

[Anonymous]

Interesting that people assume OP is low drive because she's said she doesn't like sex. She's only ever had sex with her husband. Maybe he's not good in bed.

Sounds like OP's husband needs to work on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically, it's more like he was given the keys to your "car," but he's not much of a driver and can't get your engine going. Can't even get the door unlocked at this point.

Sounds like the engine isn't working, actually.

[Anonymous]

It's a stupid religious based comment preached through churches and the bible. It doesn't sound like he really buys it, it sounds more like he threw it out there in effort to swing you into acting on something that sounds like it's been mulling for awhile.

I married someone who I wasn't actually sexually attracted to. Sex is much different with other people.

I think therapy for why sex isn't enjoyable is your best option. Nobody can just flip a switch... sex is bad! Don't do it! Save it for marriage! Then magically you say vows and you're all sexual now? NOPE. So maybe if you get in touch with those truths (if they apply to you) you can experience sex just for the joy of it.

It seems baby making sex was fine. .. that's functional. Religious views on sex can be hard wired pretty deep and sometimes we don't even realize it.

The fact you like oral to me shows that you do love and trust your DH - the problem seems to be with the sex itself. I think you can work through it but do it for you OP. As self exploration.

[Anonymous]

OP do you seriously expect you H to stay both married and faithful to you? That is absurd! Normal people with normal sexual desire will eventually cheat or leave. Yes, I am saying that Sex is important enough to end a marriage, split a household, and share custody. Do you really not get that?

Here are your options:
1. Divorce
2. Permanent hall pass for him
3. You find a way to have some regular sex with H

That is it, there really is no option 4.

[Anonymous]

If you are religious, then yes. This is a common sentiment to Christians- that you give your body to your spouse if you are female. I think it is b******* but yes he might actually believe this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

I am utterly amazed at the people who just say dump him, move on, get with someone new. We have two great kids who are growing up successfully in a loving, nurturing environment. We have so many of the things I dreamed of having as a family. Ditch all that? Over sex? Not me. Maybe it's the religious part of me, but I can't believe how many people treat marriage as this disposable thing.

I understand a lot of you think sex should be better than it is. And I will work with my DH again on this. It is clear that he is not happy with the situation, and we need to work on it. Someone asked if I have ever had an orgasm. Yes, but never from actual intercourse. From oral. I don't know, but I have never come close to coming during actual sex. Like I said, I could take it or leave it. Somehow we need to find a solution, I get that. Just not sure what it is.

No, you don't actually have a loving, successful marriage because one of the key ingredients of a loving, successful marriage is regular sex.

And I would also flip your comment around. You think people are advocating divorce easily but no one actually is. It is you who is too easily dismissing a key ingredient of marriage: sex. I can't believe you treat sex as such a disposable thing!

There's a lot of good advice in this thread but I would really suggest you two do things you enjoy: massages, baths, eat off each other, take a romantic trip, wine, toys. See if you guys can get in the habit of giving you what you want every time and giving him what he wants every time.

You want a marriage? Then be a grown up wife and be a goddess in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

To OP: would you share what religion you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

I am utterly amazed at the people who just say dump him, move on, get with someone new. We have two great kids who are growing up successfully in a loving, nurturing environment. We have so many of the things I dreamed of having as a family. Ditch all that? Over sex? Not me.

You're going to lose all that. Over sex. Because you won't have it. Because it is more important to you to deny him sex than it is to have all the other good things that go along with marriage and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That statement is so incredibly repulsive. Try saying that type of thing back to DH and see how he feels about his body being given to someone else.

As a man, yes I agreed to give my body to my wife, and only my wife (not just "someone else"), when we married. That was kind of a key point of the vows.

Yes, this! OP you do promise your body to your husband, and he does the same for you. Only women would view this comment as offensive. It's really common sense. That's part of the "forsaking all others" thing.

It's very convenient that you are getting all the sex you need, which is not much apparently, and he is not, yet YOU are the one shaming him for wanting more. You are content therefore he has to be. It doesn't work that way.

I agree with other posters. You can cling to your feminist outrage about his comment or start reading Cosmo. He WILL be having sex, with or without you.

[Anonymous]

OP, just do what lots of women on this board do, and have sex w your husband once a week whether you feel like it or not. It's really not that big of a deal, just treat it like a workout. Maybe introduce some toys/porn/self-stimulation to improve things for you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just do what lots of women on this board do, and have sex w your husband once a week whether you feel like it or not. It's really not that big of a deal, just treat it like a workout. Maybe introduce some toys/porn/self-stimulation to improve things for you, too.

That is the kind of sex life that leads to complaints like OP's husband's. It's certainly not going to improve anything since it's not a long term workable solution. Men don't want once a week duty sex; they'd rather leave the wife alone and go get it elsewhere.

This is another thing about cheating I don't get. Spouse A makes it clear that sex is annoying, gross, not something they're interested in but they otherwise believe the family is loving and successful and ticking along great. Spouse B sees how much A hates sex but loves the family so goes out for discreet sex with someone else so the family stays intact and A doesn't have to deal with turning down sex or just getting through it. A finds out and blows a gasket. B did you a favor in that case! Family functioning as a whole still, no sex for you.

Op you can believe all you want sex is unimportant or not relevant to this marriage. He has told you he feels otherwise. So you're on notice: figure out a way to meet him in the middle and find a solution that works for both of you or be prepared when he steps out. It's a human need and constant rejection puts all humans in the negative mind space that allows them to have affairs they may have sworn they would never have.

[Anonymous]

OP I hope you are still reading. Please please understand that it's so normal for women not to be able to have an orgasm through what you call "actual sex." I prefer PIV as a term. So if oral is fun....do lots of that...both ways!

[Anonymous]

So, wedding vows in the Anglican Tradition according to Wikipedia (I know, I know). :

Groom: I,____, take thee,_____, to be my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

Then, as the groom places the ring on the bride's finger, he says the following:
With this Ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

You didn't explicitly say you were giving your body to your husband, but the words of the vows are written so that it is pretty obvious what is going on. With my body I thee worship -- pretty explicit!

I know you could take or leave sex. That's fine. But your DH can't. You've got to find a way to make this fun and interesting for you so you can fully participate in your marriage.