"You agreed to give your body to me" What?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have had a below average sex life all along, and lately it's been pretty much nonexistent. I was a virgin when we married and honestly I have never really liked sex. He told me recently after an argument about sex that "when we got married you agreed to give your body to me." What?? I know, he's not attacking me, so I don't want to say he's all rapey, and we actually get along quite well in other areas, but am I wrong to think that was a horrible thing to say? Do we give our bodies to our husbands when we marry them?

[Anonymous]

That statement is so incredibly repulsive. Try saying that type of thing back to DH and see how he feels about his body being given to someone else.

[Anonymous]

It's weird to phrase it that way, but did you not vow to be there for him in many ways, including sexually?

[Anonymous]

He is probably frustrated and has trouble expressing himself properly. The answer to your question is No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have had a below average sex life all along, and lately it's been pretty much nonexistent. I was a virgin when we married and honestly I have never really liked sex. He told me recently after an argument about sex that "when we got married you agreed to give your body to me." What?? I know, he's not attacking me, so I don't want to say he's all rapey, and we actually get along quite well in other areas, but am I wrong to think that was a horrible thing to say? Do we give our bodies to our husbands when we marry them?

I don't love the phrase "give your body", but when we marry, sex is part of the deal. It goes both ways. Most men will not remain faithful in a sexless marriage unless there is a medical problem that truly prevents sex. It is an important part of marriage.

[Anonymous]

No, you don't ever have to have sex if you don't want to. Period.

However, most people marry with the expectation of regular sexual contact. You were a virgin when you married, and you had no way to know how you would feel about sex, or what your sex drive would be like, so he can't claim that it was a "bait-and-switch" or anything, but what he is saying, in a terrible, rapey way, is that he wants a more active sex life.

A couple with a mismatch in such a central part of a marriage would do well to seek counseling, together and separately. Maybe you will discover that you just aren't interested in sex WITH HIM, and maybe there's a reason for it. Some reasons are fixable (technique, timing, how he approaches you) and some are not (you're actually not attracted to men). Unless you explore this issue, you'll never know.

[Anonymous]

I think this is more of a thing where one party interprets it one way and the other, another way. Poorly worded but I think his overall meaning was that when we get married, intimacy is kind of part of the whole marriage deal. When I married DH, I fully expected that sex would be a regular part of our life (which thankfully for now it is). Sex is a big form of connection in my opinion, and without it, the rest of the connections can crumble.

Now I also completely understand how you interpreted it. But unless he guilts you into sex, makes you have sex when you don't want it, etc. I'd take this as poorly formed thought. But, it does open a new line of communication about connection , intimacy, and expectations in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think he should not have said it in that way, but clearly he is frustrated with the situation.

This, incidentally, is why I think couples should not marry before having sex. How will you know what your sex drive is if you have never tried it out?

Is your husband one of those guys who had experience himself but wanted to marry a "pure" woman? I hate those guys.

[Anonymous]

Some traditional vows include the line "with my body, I the worship." Is he thinking of that?

Sounds like he is very ineptly trying to point out that marriage usually involves physical union as well as emotional and spiritual union.

[Anonymous]

Basically, it's more like he was given the keys to your "car," but he's not much of a driver and can't get your engine going. Can't even get the door unlocked at this point.

[Anonymous]

My problem with his statement wouldn't be that he thinks sex should be part of marriage. It's that he seems to think that sex is a thing you "GIVE" to him, not a thing you guys do together. If you never liked it that much, it's on the both of you to figure out what works for you. If you are not able to have those conversations and try things, I think you might benefit from talking with a counselor about why that is.

[Anonymous]

Oh ew, what a gross thing to say. I don't think he could have found a phrase better engineered to kill any drive you may have had if he had tried. Blech...

And for people saying "well intimacy is part of the deal" - sure but when you prioritize having a virginal wife, you can't then be surprised when they are on the low end of the sex drive spectrum. Horndogs (like myself) aren't typically able to hold out for marriage. You can typically have one or the other, not both.

[Anonymous]

Why were you a virgin when you got married? No interest in having sex, or moral/religious reasons or abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh ew, what a gross thing to say. I don't think he could have found a phrase better engineered to kill any drive you may have had if he had tried. Blech...

And for people saying "well intimacy is part of the deal" - sure but when you prioritize having a virginal wife, you can't then be surprised when they are on the low end of the sex drive spectrum. Horndogs (like myself) aren't typically able to hold out for marriage. You can typically have one or the other, not both.

Who said anything about prioritizing marrying a virgin?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have had a below average sex life all along, and lately it's been pretty much nonexistent. I was a virgin when we married and honestly I have never really liked sex. He told me recently after an argument about sex that "when we got married you agreed to give your body to me." What?? I know, he's not attacking me, so I don't want to say he's all rapey, and we actually get along quite well in other areas, but am I wrong to think that was a horrible thing to say? Do we give our bodies to our husbands when we marry them?

I don't love the phrase "give your body", but when we marry, sex is part of the deal. It goes both ways. Most men will not remain faithful in a sexless marriage unless there is a medical problem that truly prevents sex. It is an important part of marriage.

Agree. (Woman here)