"You agreed to give your body to me" What?

[Anonymous]

That's fucking disgusting OP. I rarely say DTMFA but in this case... yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't make this about the virgin thing, which I knew this was going to start with. I was a virgin when I got married (NP) here. DH and I have a highly active (every single day) and high satisfying (we are very, very, very sexually compatible) sex life.

So I don't want to hear about sex-negative talk on virgins here. Yes, it is sex-negative. Some women are virgins till marriage because they belong to fundamentalist religious sects, some women are virgins till marriage because we're highly sensitive and idealistic. Some virgins know their sexual needs and triggers really well, some aren't able to do that. Some virgins are confident, assertive and good at communication, some aren't.

I hate when this forum starts with its sex-negative virgin-shaming bullshit.

So? You are shaming op for having less of a sex drive than you. Take a look in the mirror, buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you guys very religious?

OP here. I would say yes, religious, moderately so at least. That was the reason I married as a virgin, which despite all the virgin shamers out there, I do not regret at all.

I see that maybe he meant better than he said. I was taken aback by the wording. I do sometimes wish I liked sex more but really don't know how to change that. Counseling? Sex therapy? Books? Then sometimes I just don't really care. We did have enough sex to have two kids who I adore. But if we never had sex again, I would be fine with that.

You do realize that means you have a low drive, right? I am not shaming you but I am pointing it out so you realize that there are people who have no interest in living without sex for a week, much less for the rest of our lives. It's a lot easier to say you were a virgin for religious reasons, even if true, than to say you are also low drive.

Or it could mean she's never had good sex.

OP, sex is fun and intimate and can be a great adventure to go on together. Work with your husband and make it a mission together to have the best sex ever ... not just for him but for both of you. Try everything you feel comfortable with and a few things that are a little daring for you. Find the joy in sex. And maybe get the book.

FWIW, while I definitely had more experience in that department than you before I met my ex, I never really connected sex with desire and fun. I said the same thing you did about my ex that " I could do without sex." Fact was that I wasn't that attracted to him and our sex life was all about him and what he wanted and how he wanted it -- even if it was disguised as him thinking about me. I didn't orgasm the right way. I didn't enjoy certain acts that he wanted to do for me. Now I'm with someone that I find crazy attractive and our sex life is perfect for us and keeps getting better. It's one of the important ways that we bond together.

Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

He's frustrated and not communicating well but what he's telling you is your crappy sex life is a huge issue for him. Don't underestimate what kind of havoc this sort of issue and your unwillingness to address it can wreak on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP are you guys very religious?

OP here. I would say yes, religious, moderately so at least. That was the reason I married as a virgin, which despite all the virgin shamers out there, I do not regret at all.

I see that maybe he meant better than he said. I was taken aback by the wording. I do sometimes wish I liked sex more but really don't know how to change that. Counseling? Sex therapy? Books? Then sometimes I just don't really care. We did have enough sex to have two kids who I adore. But if we never had sex again, I would be fine with that.

You do realize that means you have a low drive, right? I am not shaming you but I am pointing it out so you realize that there are people who have no interest in living without sex for a week, much less for the rest of our lives. It's a lot easier to say you were a virgin for religious reasons, even if true, than to say you are also low drive.

Or it could mean she's never had good sex.

OP, sex is fun and intimate and can be a great adventure to go on together. Work with your husband and make it a mission together to have the best sex ever ... not just for him but for both of you. Try everything you feel comfortable with and a few things that are a little daring for you. Find the joy in sex. And maybe get the book.

FWIW, while I definitely had more experience in that department than you before I met my ex, I never really connected sex with desire and fun. I said the same thing you did about my ex that " I could do without sex." Fact was that I wasn't that attracted to him and our sex life was all about him and what he wanted and how he wanted it -- even if it was disguised as him thinking about me. I didn't orgasm the right way. I didn't enjoy certain acts that he wanted to do for me. Now I'm with someone that I find crazy attractive and our sex life is perfect for us and keeps getting better. It's one of the important ways that we bond together.

Good luck OP!

I agree that she needs to dump him and find someone who's good in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have had a below average sex life all along, and lately it's been pretty much nonexistent. I was a virgin when we married and honestly I have never really liked sex. He told me recently after an argument about sex that "when we got married you agreed to give your body to me." What?? I know, he's not attacking me, so I don't want to say he's all rapey, and we actually get along quite well in other areas, but am I wrong to think that was a horrible thing to say? Do we give our bodies to our husbands when we marry them?

It's definitely an inartful way of saying things. Stated more neutrally, I'd say the point he was trying to make is that a reasonable quantity of sex is implicit in relationships that are defined as monogamous. And if you used certain traditional forms of wedding vows, it might have been pretty express as well, actually. And at least some religions, as I understand it, are really quite prescriptive about the obligations spouses have to have sex. So I wouldn't get too hung up on one phrase, and would focus more on the substance of the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's frustrated and not communicating well but what he's telling you is your crappy sex life is a huge issue for him. Don't underestimate what kind of havoc this sort of issue and your unwillingness to address it can wreak on your marriage.

+1000 Keep this up and he'll be cheating in no time. And I can't really blame him.

[Anonymous]

OP here again.

I am utterly amazed at the people who just say dump him, move on, get with someone new. We have two great kids who are growing up successfully in a loving, nurturing environment. We have so many of the things I dreamed of having as a family. Ditch all that? Over sex? Not me. Maybe it's the religious part of me, but I can't believe how many people treat marriage as this disposable thing.

I understand a lot of you think sex should be better than it is. And I will work with my DH again on this. It is clear that he is not happy with the situation, and we need to work on it. Someone asked if I have ever had an orgasm. Yes, but never from actual intercourse. From oral. I don't know, but I have never come close to coming during actual sex. Like I said, I could take it or leave it. Somehow we need to find a solution, I get that. Just not sure what it is.

[Anonymous]

You can insist on monogamy but not celibacy.

It's totally common for men to want more sex than women. And women to lose their sex drives when little kids come. And totally common for men to get frustrated with the lack of sex. And if you don't fix this, totally common for him to cheat. That is coming, soon.

Oh, and totally common for random posters on DCUM to advise divorce for every and all question. If you think it's common now, wait till the cries of "divorce him!" get louder when you write in that your husband cheated.

Have sex with your spouse, let them have sex with someone else, or live miserably. There are no other options

Many women (and some men) have sex in marriage to keep the peace. We all do things in marriage because its important to our partner.

[Anonymous]

OP, any chance you are gay and don't want to admit this to yourself because of your religious beliefs and the shame tht accompanies?

[Anonymous]

OP I'm a woman with a healthy sex drive.

Consider this. Your husband is telling you (albeit poorly expressed) that he has a really big need that he needs fulfilled. Part of being married (barring any medical conditions) is having sex. Just because it isn't a priority to you, don't make him feel guilty or shame him for asking for it. He definitely could have worded it differently, but he is right that there is an expectation of sex in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is about meeting each other's needs. Sometimes what I need is not what he needs. Sometimes I do things I don't really want to but I feel it's important to him. (Not just sexual, could be anything.) Sometimes he does things that I think are important. Sex is clearly important to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can insist on monogamy but not celibacy.

It's totally common for men to want more sex than women. And women to lose their sex drives when little kids come. And totally common for men to get frustrated with the lack of sex. And if you don't fix this, totally common for him to cheat. That is coming, soon.

Oh, and totally common for random posters on DCUM to advise divorce for every and all question. If you think it's common now, wait till the cries of "divorce him!" get louder when you write in that your husband cheated.

Have sex with your spouse, let them have sex with someone else, or live miserably. There are no other options

Many women (and some men) have sex in marriage to keep the peace. We all do things in marriage because its important to our partner.

Straight from the Duggar handbook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have had a below average sex life all along, and lately it's been pretty much nonexistent. I was a virgin when we married and honestly I have never really liked sex. He told me recently after an argument about sex that "when we got married you agreed to give your body to me." What?? I know, he's not attacking me, so I don't want to say he's all rapey, and we actually get along quite well in other areas, but am I wrong to think that was a horrible thing to say? Do we give our bodies to our husbands when we marry them?

Did your vows include monogamy? If (when) he has sex with someone else, did he break his vow? Because "monogamy" implies an active sex life. The word you are looking for is celibacy. If he vowed celibacy, then you have a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can insist on monogamy but not celibacy.

It's totally common for men to want more sex than women. And women to lose their sex drives when little kids come. And totally common for men to get frustrated with the lack of sex. And if you don't fix this, totally common for him to cheat. That is coming, soon.

Oh, and totally common for random posters on DCUM to advise divorce for every and all question. If you think it's common now, wait till the cries of "divorce him!" get louder when you write in that your husband cheated.

Have sex with your spouse, let them have sex with someone else, or live miserably. There are no other options

Many women (and some men) have sex in marriage to keep the peace. We all do things in marriage because its important to our partner.

Straight from the Duggar handbook.

My husband won't have sex with me.

Stop being a Duggar!