Let's admit our own 'bad DIL' moments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We spend so much time bashing our MILs. I thought it might be fun to admit our own 'bad DIL' moments. My MIL is a piece of work and I really do like to play the emotional chess game with her. She is a mediocre cook at best (making homemade meatballs or meatloaf is about as fancy as she gets) and I am a pretty great cook, really enjoy being in the kitchen, and really enjoy trying various tecniques and cuisines. When she comes over, while I don't *want* to invest the energy preparing anything for her, I put together the most incredible meals because I've realized how inferior it makes her feel. It was especially gratifying last time she was here, and I prepared beef tenderloin, sous vide asparagus, and potato pave (look it up - it's a beautiful dish). She was clearly feeling inferior and said to her sons, "do you remember when I used to make you gratin potatoes?" And one of them replied, "Yeah, out of a box." I was so pleased with myself.

You would think it would make her happy that her son's wife is madly in love with her son, has a successful career, loves to cook, and loves to host fancy dinners. But no - it makes her feel inferior. And I totally relish in it.

People who relish making other people feel inferior are also suffering from infervior complexes. You are pathetic and I predict you will be divorced within ten years if it take as that long for your DH to realize what you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before we had even found a location, set a date, etc., my MIL started inviting people to our wedding, which MY parents were paying for. We had already told both sets of parents that we planned to invite every single family member on both sides, AND that each set of parents would be welcome to invite five couples (10 friends of their own). We thought that was a very generous guest allotment, all things considered.

When MIL told us she "goofed" and invited extra people, DH and I told her that was not our problem, and she had to un-invite them. She was mortified. She offered to pay to have them there. Nope. DH and I stood firm: we said that WE had to limit ourselves to not inviting all our friends, and if someone was going to get more friend "spaces," it was us. We also said it wasn't a matter of more money, because you have to draw the line and stick to a budget, and we wanted the size and cost of the wedding to be what WE wanted it to be.

I don't think this was bad behavior on our part, but it has certainly never been forgotten. She brings it up every now and then. When she does, I say, "Yes it was very unfortunate that you created that embarassing situation for yourself." Not a generous response, but that really really made DH and I angry.

Great job! I wish I had this strength when planning my own wedding. I'm in awe of your strong boundaries!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We spend so much time bashing our MILs. I thought it might be fun to admit our own 'bad DIL' moments. My MIL is a piece of work and I really do like to play the emotional chess game with her. She is a mediocre cook at best (making homemade meatballs or meatloaf is about as fancy as she gets) and I am a pretty great cook, really enjoy being in the kitchen, and really enjoy trying various tecniques and cuisines. When she comes over, while I don't *want* to invest the energy preparing anything for her, I put together the most incredible meals because I've realized how inferior it makes her feel. It was especially gratifying last time she was here, and I prepared beef tenderloin, sous vide asparagus, and potato pave (look it up - it's a beautiful dish). She was clearly feeling inferior and said to her sons, "do you remember when I used to make you gratin potatoes?" And one of them replied, "Yeah, out of a box." I was so pleased with myself.

You would think it would make her happy that her son's wife is madly in love with her son, has a successful career, loves to cook, and loves to host fancy dinners. But no - it makes her feel inferior. And I totally relish in it.

People who relish making other people feel inferior are also suffering from infervior complexes. You are pathetic and I predict you will be divorced within ten years if it take as that long for your DH to realize what you are.

I think in OP's case, DH married a replica of his mother, so he probably will never realize what she is.

[Anonymous]

This was a totally un-intentional mess up but here goes.... It certainly was a "bad DIL" moment.

DH's mother and father had an awful messy divorce when he was 20, and they have not spoken to each other since and both say nasty things about the other a lot (even though it's been 20 years now since the divorce). Neither knows that DH has a relationship with the other (both think that DH sided with them and is estranged from the other), and MIL is always saying things like "You're not talking to your father on the phone are you?" DH in fact has a relationship with both and we visit both and talk to both on the phone. Neither MIL nor FIL seems to have been able to move on from the divorce even though it's been 20 years already. For example, at our wedding, since MIL attended FIL refused to attend, etc. So they're just incredibly petty.

Anyhow, I had a family photo book made of some nice fall photos we got done with the kids, and I wanted to send one to MIL and one to FIL. I also wrote a very nice note with each photo book. Well, you can guess what happened.

Even though I checked the note name/address a zillion times before I mailed it, MIL ended up with FIL's note/book, and FIL ended up with MIL's note/book. I still have no idea how this happened. As you can imagine, when MIL saw this and "discovered" that we still have a relationship with FIL she was livid and didn't speak to us for a whole year. She still brings it up, 5 years later. DH was so mad at me. I still have no idea how this happened.

[Anonymous]

I went to culinary school- not impressed with OPs meal or her terrible attitude. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. If you knew what my MIL has done to our family, you'd be less quick to judge.

So tell us!

Ok, to name a few things.. We had wedding gifts shipped to her house (my husband's childhood home) when we were engaged and several things went missing. Turns out she took and open and used those things as her own without telling us. She took lingerie from my drawers, and it turned up at her house (and smelled like her, so I suspect she wore it). She tried to convince me that I didn't need to visit my disabled mom in another state too often since I have a family in DC now. She's just an oddball. She has issues. She is the biggest issue in our marriage. Several years ago, I'd cry a lot and my husband and I would fight a lot more. Now, I've learned to play the chess game.

No one has responded to this post about the things she has done because these are pretty lame examples. So to you the horrible crime she committed was using your stuff and wearing your stuff without asking? Sure that's rude and boundaryless, but it wouldn't make me angry, it would make me feel sad for her. But it's hardly her trying to take you down. She stated her crappy opinion on not visiting your disabled mother. You knew better than to listen. No harm no foul. She sounds like a jerk, but you have very deep rooted anger about this. I honestly don't think your mother-in-law's thinking about you as much as you are thinking about her. I can't imagine how miserable the two of you have made your husband.

PS: the meal you made? Doesn't sound all that shit hot.

Np. Stealing wedding gifts and wearing someone's underwear are lame examples? Are you severely mentally ill?

[Anonymous]

I don't blame OP at all. She did nothing wrong except make cuisine meals that mil feels inferior over. That's mil's problem.

[Anonymous]

I have not seen or talked to my MIL in almost 4 years. She doesn't live close and DH takes the kids to see her. I don't hate but I don't like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You provided delicious meals for your MIL and family?

I couldn't call that a bad DIL moment, my dear OP, no matter what the motivation underneath.

+1
That's us, with roles in reverse. I'm pretty sure MIL is trying to shame me by cooking the most wonderful meals. She's a fantastic cook but she goes the extra mile when she visits or we visit them. I just enjoy the delicious food and don't feel one bit bad about my lack of culinary talents.

[Anonymous]

I just ignore mine. There is nothing she wants more than to be the center of attention and all up in everyone's business. I leave all but holiday planning to my husband and, as a result, we never see her since he never makes plans to get together with her. If she had been more accepting that her son getting married meant she would be sharing his time with me and sharing our time with my family too, I probably wouldn't ignore her like I do. She made her bed though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just ignore mine. There is nothing she wants more than to be the center of attention and all up in everyone's business. I leave all but holiday planning to my husband and, as a result, we never see her since he never makes plans to get together with her. If she had been more accepting that her son getting married meant she would be sharing his time with me and sharing our time with my family too, I probably wouldn't ignore her like I do. She made her bed though.

I'm kind of "guilty" of this, too--not the not making plans part, but the general attitude of "I refuse to give you the attention you so desperately want right now." It's not very nice of me. I should just make polite conversation with her, and give her the prompts she seeks so she can tell her stories, etc. But sometimes, I just cannot be bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was a totally un-intentional mess up but here goes.... It certainly was a "bad DIL" moment.

DH's mother and father had an awful messy divorce when he was 20, and they have not spoken to each other since and both say nasty things about the other a lot (even though it's been 20 years now since the divorce). Neither knows that DH has a relationship with the other (both think that DH sided with them and is estranged from the other), and MIL is always saying things like "You're not talking to your father on the phone are you?" DH in fact has a relationship with both and we visit both and talk to both on the phone. Neither MIL nor FIL seems to have been able to move on from the divorce even though it's been 20 years already. For example, at our wedding, since MIL attended FIL refused to attend, etc. So they're just incredibly petty.

Anyhow, I had a family photo book made of some nice fall photos we got done with the kids, and I wanted to send one to MIL and one to FIL. I also wrote a very nice note with each photo book. Well, you can guess what happened.

Even though I checked the note name/address a zillion times before I mailed it, MIL ended up with FIL's note/book, and FIL ended up with MIL's note/book. I still have no idea how this happened. As you can imagine, when MIL saw this and "discovered" that we still have a relationship with FIL she was livid and didn't speak to us for a whole year. She still brings it up, 5 years later. DH was so mad at me. I still have no idea how this happened.

This is the one good story in this thread. It was some sort of divine intervention, I think! I have an inlaw that had a similar situation with parents who divorced when he was an adult. Decades later, though, they've moderated somewhat and do know that he seems the other. I know thrum both well and they are both super nice--but can't be in the same state as each other!

[Anonymous]

I, too, fall in the camp of refusing to give MIL the attention and responses she craves. She brings out the worst in me. Minor examples: she says how she needs to get a colonoscopy and clears wants us to worry about her and feel sorry for her- I instead respond by telling her it is no big deal and I get one per year. Or she gushes about how smart and what voracious readers her grandchildren (my kids) are - instead of confirming her rosy view I tell her flatly that her grandkids are middle of the pack in reading in their classes. There is so much history with her that I feel justified in all of this, but I also realize how petty I act around her.

[Anonymous]

A gourmet, home cooked meal is punishment! Who knew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry for the backlash, OP. My MIL and I have a very hard relationship due to her not understanding boundaries. Two big example of this are religion and family values. My Inlaws believe that my children must be taught to be catholic and attempt to teach this to my children through the threat of "if you do not believe, you will go to hell." As far as the family values, my MIL is stuck in a generation long ago and when my daughters talk about a career they would enjoy, my MIL will tell them something to the effect of "Well, yes, that will be fun until you meet your prince charming and settle down to raise your children." My DH and I do not agree with either view but no amount of talking with them over the years gets it to stop. So, I will admit that I did find it very amusing (and I truly enjoyed the moment) when my 17 year old daughter looked my MIL in the eye and told her "If your God would send me to hell even though I try very hard to do the right thing even when it's hard for simply questioning that what you believe, then I do not want to honor your God anyway." I also found it awesome and too funny when my 14 year old asked her if she would come to her wedding if she decided to marry a women instead of a man. I found the look on my MIL's face hysterical and had to leave the room for a minute.

Don't get me wrong, I talked to the girls and told them that although I shared their beliefs and agreed with the overall message they were sending her that they would never change her mind and sometimes we just need to ignore ignorant comments from others but secretly, I was very proud of my girls and enjoyed it. Maybe that makes me a terrible person but I am okay with that!

Your daughters sound like strong, independent women.

Agree, sounds like grandma needed to be put in place after politely being addressed. Respect is earned, regardless of age.