Let's admit our own 'bad DIL' moments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Seems that your husband doesn't have an internal compass and doesn't care which woman (mother or wife) he spends his time with.

You could be speaking to me. My DH doesn't care if he's with me or his mom or his ex-girlfriend. He just wants a woman to take care of his needs, pour attention on him, and put him first. I am convinced that the reason he broke up with his last girlfriend (who MIL loved) was because she was weak, cried all the time, and was at his mom's house more than him. He proposed to me because I'm the only one who stood up to his mom of anyone he's ever met -- himself, his dad, and his relatives included. I put her in her place from the moment she started planning my wedding date, calling people and telling them it was postponed for 2 months (until August). Umm, lady, do that again and consider yourself to be uninvited. I don't put up with shit. The only difference between me and MIL is that I don't cause it. DH needed someone to put up a wall with her. That was me. He could give a shit which woman did it -- as long as some woman did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Seems that your husband doesn't have an internal compass and doesn't care which woman (mother or wife) he spends his time with.

You could be speaking to me. My DH doesn't care if he's with me or his mom or his ex-girlfriend. He just wants a woman to take care of his needs, pour attention on him, and put him first. I am convinced that the reason he broke up with his last girlfriend (who MIL loved) was because she was weak, cried all the time, and was at his mom's house more than him. He proposed to me because I'm the only one who stood up to his mom of anyone he's ever met -- himself, his dad, and his relatives included. I put her in her place from the moment she started planning my wedding date, calling people and telling them it was postponed for 2 months (until August). Umm, lady, do that again and consider yourself to be uninvited. I don't put up with shit. The only difference between me and MIL is that I don't cause it. DH needed someone to put up a wall with her. That was me. He could give a shit which woman did it -- as long as some woman did.

Um. Sounds like you married a real winner, there.

[Anonymous]

The first time I met my now-MIL was shortly after I started dating her son (now husband). I was invited over to dinner. I am bad with names and somehow forgot what her first name is. For some reason, the conversation got on the topic of baby names. This was right in the midst of Bill-Monica, and I opined that the name “Monica” is unfortunately ruined now, no one can hear that name without thinking of Monica Lewinsky and the whole sordid mess.

Guess what her first name is.

She was so completely gracious and did not say a thing. I only realized what I had done later and was absolutely mortified – but it was after the fact, and I had no idea what to say! I have never had the nerve to speak of it again. She is a wonderful MIL, I love her so much, and I still feel horrible about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. If you knew what my MIL has done to our family, you'd be less quick to judge.

I thought this was the case. No judgement here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first time I met my now-MIL was shortly after I started dating her son (now husband). I was invited over to dinner. I am bad with names and somehow forgot what her first name is. For some reason, the conversation got on the topic of baby names. This was right in the midst of Bill-Monica, and I opined that the name “Monica” is unfortunately ruined now, no one can hear that name without thinking of Monica Lewinsky and the whole sordid mess.

Guess what her first name is.

She was so completely gracious and did not say a thing. I only realized what I had done later and was absolutely mortified – but it was after the fact, and I had no idea what to say! I have never had the nerve to speak of it again. She is a wonderful MIL, I love her so much, and I still feel horrible about it.

So funny!

[Anonymous]

Whenever my MIL/FIL ask something personal/nosy, which is often, I give them a bland smile and say, "What was that?" Then they have to repeat themselves. Sometimes I just keep smiling and don't say anything; other times, I will say, "Why do you ask?"

Yeah, whether MY family is planning to have an autopsy for MY grandfather (who died in his sleep at the age of 90) is none of YOUR business. How thoughtful and tasteful of you to ask the minute you found out he passed.

Yeah, how much money MY cousin paid for her new house just a few blocks away from us is none of YOUR business. And if you are really that curious, go look it up on Zillow or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Seems that your husband doesn't have an internal compass and doesn't care which woman (mother or wife) he spends his time with.

You could be speaking to me. My DH doesn't care if he's with me or his mom or his ex-girlfriend. He just wants a woman to take care of his needs, pour attention on him, and put him first. I am convinced that the reason he broke up with his last girlfriend (who MIL loved) was because she was weak, cried all the time, and was at his mom's house more than him. He proposed to me because I'm the only one who stood up to his mom of anyone he's ever met -- himself, his dad, and his relatives included. I put her in her place from the moment she started planning my wedding date, calling people and telling them it was postponed for 2 months (until August). Umm, lady, do that again and consider yourself to be uninvited. I don't put up with shit. The only difference between me and MIL is that I don't cause it. DH needed someone to put up a wall with her. That was me. He could give a shit which woman did it -- as long as some woman did.

Um. Sounds like you married a real winner, there.

Agreed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time my FIL calls DH, he always has a "life-or-death" situation that my DH needs to answer right away (even if he's at work, at our Valentine's dinner, or on vacation!). The message will also be "call me back within 10 minutes or else" -- sometimes it's "or else I will cut you off" but normally it's "or else [I, your mother, your sister] will be dead". Poor DH is always in such a stress that we just decided to have all FIL calls forward to me, and I say matter-of-factly, "If you can't tell me what it is, than I will have to assume it only exists in your imagination and won't bother to tell DH that you called at all." Needless to say, he tells me. Last time he played this game, it was that someone he knew died almost TWO months ago. Ahhh. Now how do we handle it on vacation in December?

such manipulation... I feel for you. Keep putting up boundaries. I have something similar that is hard to articulate. Your FIL is an emotional vampire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My confession is that I know my MIL finds me intimidating and I don't discourage that. I am not an intimidating person by nature, but am different from the rest of DH's family and so is DH - we have multiple degrees, professional well-paying jobs, are well read, like to go out for nice meals, etc. With DH, I know MIL struggles to find a comfort zone with him now that he is so 'changed' but with me, I can tell she just doesn't feel at ease around someone so different. The kind and compassionate thing would be to try to break down the barriers but honestly, I'm just polite and leave it at that. She has shown really bad boundary-crossing with her other DILs and I prefer to keep her intimidated so she behaves herself with me. It works. Sigh - I know. Gross.

This is me too. My MIL has a GED and worked at a few minimum wage jobs before being a SAHM her entire adult life. I have dual Ivy League degrees and have progressed in my professional career quickly. She has repeatedly criticized my decision to continue working after having kids and I can't help but say something about how my incredible education shouldn't be wasted on laundry, which shuts her up until the next holiday. Honestly I have no problem with other SAHMs, there's just something about her criticism of how we raise our kids that sets me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was a totally un-intentional mess up but here goes.... It certainly was a "bad DIL" moment.

DH's mother and father had an awful messy divorce when he was 20, and they have not spoken to each other since and both say nasty things about the other a lot (even though it's been 20 years now since the divorce). Neither knows that DH has a relationship with the other (both think that DH sided with them and is estranged from the other), and MIL is always saying things like "You're not talking to your father on the phone are you?" DH in fact has a relationship with both and we visit both and talk to both on the phone. Neither MIL nor FIL seems to have been able to move on from the divorce even though it's been 20 years already. For example, at our wedding, since MIL attended FIL refused to attend, etc. So they're just incredibly petty.

Anyhow, I had a family photo book made of some nice fall photos we got done with the kids, and I wanted to send one to MIL and one to FIL. I also wrote a very nice note with each photo book. Well, you can guess what happened.

Even though I checked the note name/address a zillion times before I mailed it, MIL ended up with FIL's note/book, and FIL ended up with MIL's note/book. I still have no idea how this happened. As you can imagine, when MIL saw this and "discovered" that we still have a relationship with FIL she was livid and didn't speak to us for a whole year. She still brings it up, 5 years later. DH was so mad at me. I still have no idea how this happened.

Then he should have done it himself. Manbaby.

[Anonymous]

I can not stand being in the same room wth MIL. She's got the most annoying personality and her house is approaching hoarder status. She desires a close relationship with me, but I have not made any effort in that regard.

That said, she was an amazing mother to my DH and she's an amazing grandmother to my kids. I may feel like banging my head against the wall when I am with her, but I would never do anything to hurt her. I respect her, and deep down I love her.

And I hope that my future DIL is able to look at me the same way. May not like me, may not enjoy my company...but respects me nonetheless. I hope she never feels the need to make me feel inferior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds so cheap, $4 is nothing

I'm the cookie PP. It had nothing to do with the money, come on now. It had everything to do with my little private retreat away from visitors.

Did I mention this was when we lived in a 500-sq foot, 1 bdrm condo and FIL refused to stay in a hotel 1 mile away?

He refused to stay in a hotel, so you gave in to him? That is your fault. Boundaries, PP. Hotel, or no visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds so cheap, $4 is nothing

I'm the cookie PP. It had nothing to do with the money, come on now. It had everything to do with my little private retreat away from visitors.

Did I mention this was when we lived in a 500-sq foot, 1 bdrm condo and FIL refused to stay in a hotel 1 mile away?

He refused to stay in a hotel, so you gave in to him? That is your fault. Boundaries, PP. Hotel, or no visit.

Whatever. I think Cookie hiding PP is awesome. They were Oreos, no need to share. There is no emergency. Good for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the bad DIL. It's true! I was the victim for the first decade, and then I don't know, I became the abuser for the second.

In the beginning, when I was young, naive, and hopeful, she'd demand that I wasn't allowed on family trips (just her son and our kids), and I'd go along with it. She'd refuse to talk to me whenever she saw me (a non-immediate family who didn't know her rule that I wasn't allowed anywhere invited me) and I pretended I was fine with it, ignoring the fact that every sentence began "son, I want you to know" or "Son, this is only for your ears". She even banned me from attending her dad's funeral AFTER I flew all the way to Vancouver -- she said that she didn't tell me before because she wanted to guarantee that my husband and our children would come (he would have, but probably would have left the kids with me since it was just a weekend). So, I was left all alone the entire weekend as the entire family except for me went to the funeral, burying, service, and reception (at her brother's house) and then hung out the next day at her father's house (to start to divide the furniture -- I'm not kidding!) and eat.

I thought that if I gave her all the alone time with my husband and her grandchildren that she wanted, that if I did everything she told me to, that if I followed her rules, that if I turned the other cheek again and again, she'd eventually accept me.

Well, I started smarting up! I just simply started planning our vacations for the kids' breaks and she's never included. "It should be for immediate family only, as you always said, and you are an 'in-law'" (which is the exact language she always used to tell me!). When she calls and he's home, I tell her, "He doesn't want to talk to you -- you always taught him that he shouldn't want to share a conversation with the most important woman in his life with another woman, and since I'm the most important woman, he doesn't want to share the conversation we were having right now with you!" (Whenever she called & he asked if she wanted to talk to me, she'd say that and that he shouldn't even ask because "your mother should be the most important woman in your life and you don't share a chance to talk to her with another woman.") She is no longer invited to ANY of our family events (birthdays, confirmations, NOTHING) because she is an "in-law" (and that's NOT family, I tell her, as she used to tell me). I don't make her fly to DC though before banning her (that was just cruel!). At this point, I really can't remember the last time we saw her, my husband NEVER talks to her, and our children have no idea who she is (except as daddy's mother who never wanted mommy around so daddy doesn't want around anymore).

Her favorite thing to tell me what that my husband needed to visit her ALONE. Now, on the rare occasion she calls, I tell her that her son wants to be with me ALONE. She used to love to tell me to "lose weight" because she "cared" about my health. I LOVE telling her that I hear she looks awful and that I'm only telling her so because I care about her health! When I would say that I was hurt or ask how things could be better, she would say that I needed to see a counselor, because there was something wrong with me (and that she was saying that because she cared). Whenever I get a chance, I tell her to see a shrink because I care!

I'll never know why she was so mean to me. I'll never know why I put up with it (I was 25 when I got married and I just kept thinking that if I sent nice cards, nice gifts, and followed her rules, she'd accept my marriage). It's never really been my husband's fault -- he always asked if I was okay with it AND I always said yes. And, he knows she calls and really doesn't care that I don't want him to speak with her. It's like he was always apathetic. Which is EXACTLY like his dad (she is married, and her husband seems to just put up with her).

Here's the thing -- MAYBE if I was nice now, she would accept me (although I think that's delusional), but it's moot, because I don't want to be nice anymore. I finally no longer care if she accepts me! I love that I have the perfect excuse to exclude her because she was so mean. I don't want to see her and don't want my kids to see her. So, sometimes I'm secretly grateful that she was outwardly mean and that I know I put up with it and was so nice. I feel guilt-free, because I never call her to be mean (like she would to me), I never make her visit before banning her (she's banned before making a cross-country trip), and I make sure to only use the same language (or less harsh language) than she used on me. (Although, that last one seems moot, because she always says that she never said those things!).

The BAD one nowadays is 100% me! And she's the one with the raw end of the deal who's lost her son, her grandchildren, a kick-ass daughter-in-law, a thousand events, and a lot more. Karma's a bitch, psycho witch!

Wow. That's quite a story. I don't know where to begin.

Seems that your husband doesn't have an internal compass and does't care which woman (mother or wife) he spends his time with.

NP here. I agree. You just sound SO angry. Part of effective communication is timeliness. You seem to live on the ends of the direction of assertiveness... Either saying nothing and being a martyr or being full bitch childish tit for tat. I would suggest that you walk the middle path. Allow your passive husband to have a mother instead of using his passiveness to support that he agrees with you. He doesn't, he just wants someone other than him to fight.

Being a woman would be calling her up, inviting her to your home and saying "you got your ten years your way, I got my ten years my way. Let's grow up and TRY something different. For everyone's sake".

Your children should not have been involved. Let them know the rest of their family (cousins/aunts/uncles?) Let then learn better than you how to negotiate difficult relationships. It cannot have been easy, and must have been confusing for them to suddenly no longer know their family. And if you ask them, they will agree with you, because you have become your mil and they will know not to disagree with you.

Every day you live her values, she is winning. She is living in your home and she hasn't been there in ten years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is living in your home and she hasn't been there in ten years.

Yep.