Let's admit our own 'bad DIL' moments

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first time I met my now-MIL was shortly after I started dating her son (now husband). I was invited over to dinner. I am bad with names and somehow forgot what her first name is. For some reason, the conversation got on the topic of baby names. This was right in the midst of Bill-Monica, and I opined that the name “Monica” is unfortunately ruined now, no one can hear that name without thinking of Monica Lewinsky and the whole sordid mess.

Guess what her first name is.

She was so completely gracious and did not say a thing. I only realized what I had done later and was absolutely mortified – but it was after the fact, and I had no idea what to say! I have never had the nerve to speak of it again. She is a wonderful MIL, I love her so much, and I still feel horrible about it.

So funny!

Lol. The first time I met my sister's inlaws-to-be I forgot her future FIL's name within about 30 seconds of hearing it. Everyone was telling pet stories so I told some stories about my cat, Charlie. Guess what FIL-to-be's name is. They weren't bad stories but still ... embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

MIL was super shitty to me when we first met and for years after. She loved finding any sensitive spot in my life and then pressing it, and she really loved hinting around how her son wasn't serious about me(cause, you know, he already has mommy as the main woman in his life!) Now that I'm married to her precious baby boy and expecting the first grandchild, she wants so badly to be close and is all huggy and kissy and "I love you!" Nope, never ever ever ever ever. I don't care if this makes me a vengeful bitch - I will never keep her from the kid, I will always be civil and polite, but the hugs and "I love you" will go unreciprocated forever and ever. She can build her own relationship with her grandchild but our relationship will always be at an arm's length. And it makes me happy to finally have things on my terms.

[Anonymous]

I told her my disease was acting up and that's why I needed to get my own hotel room vs staying in the condo with them when we went on vacation with DH's entire family. I really do love my in laws, but a smallish condo with 10 people for 2 weeks was going to kill me.

Then I felt even worse when she insisted that DS should stay at the house with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told her my disease was acting up and that's why I needed to get my own hotel room vs staying in the condo with them when we went on vacation with DH's entire family. I really do love my in laws, but a smallish condo with 10 people for 2 weeks was going to kill me.

Then I felt even worse when she insisted that DS should stay at the house with them.

Ugh, I never understand why some families don't get the point of personal space and why some people value it. My sister's ILs are like this. Really great people, but wouldn't think twice of having the entire family pile into one small condo for a vacation, in fact, they would probably all sleep in the same room in beanbags together if they could. Thanks, but no thanks, I enjoy being able to visit with family and then also be able to be comfortable in my own personal bubble.

[Anonymous]

I don't play passive-aggressive games. I will prepare great meals because I want to, not to make anyone feel bad. My MIL raised an amazing son, who has been a great DH and dad. I am very grateful to her.

My mom had a great MIL and I ended up with a great MIL too.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is not a likeble person. She doesn't have friends and no one in FIL's large extended family can stand her. She has one sibling who she's estranged from. My DH often says he loves his mother but doesn't like her. She's not a monster - just very judgmental, narcissistic and a bore. DH's uncles and aunts can't stand her ass because she's always saying things to them to contrast how much better she thinks she and FIL are than them - financially, education-wise and success of children. They're all upper middle class so her constant air of superiority is ridiculous. Out of her kids, it's true that my DH is the most successful out of all his siblings and cousins. I make, however, probably more money than all of them combined. I don't know if she's including me among the shit she uses to lord herself over the aunts and uncles but suspect she is (behind my back of course. in front of me, she says passive aggressive stuff about my and my family's ethnic background (we're not white) and the fact that my career is not academic (for some reason, this is her idea of the holy grail of human achievement. Never mind that one of her other sons is struggling at a menial $35k/year job after getting his Ph.D. 7 years ago because the market for those is pretty much BS these days). Anyway, all that said, I'm very polite to her tho I've learned to keep her somewhat at a distance. I mainly just stay silent or try to change the subject when she starts spouting off on rude things (honestly, sometimes I wonder if maybe she has mild aspergers - she has zero tact for an adult). Recently, however, one of the youngest cousins (who's father is the least financially well off of the uncles and aunts) just graduated college and landed a gig at a good consulting firm. So when I saw MIL recently, I talked up how well that cousin was doing and how proud his parents must be. Normal thing to say to most people but I knew it would be like nails on chalkboard to her because her whole worldview is based on thinking that she and FIL and their kids are the only successful ones in the extended family. Never mind that none of DH's siblings have jobs that are exactly all that impressive. 3 of them don't even hold jobs that require a college degree (tho they do all have those). They've also never had a girlfriend or boyfriend tho they're all well north of 30. The consultant cousin is living with his girlfriend of 4 years; she's also got a good professional job and they'll probably get married. That should piss MIL off no end I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So-- I've never intentionally done what OP has (first because I'm not nearly that good a cook, second because I don't enjoy cooking so it would annoy me more than my MIL), however, I'm pretty sure my MIL thinks that's what I'm doing when I cook when they visit. When DC was born she came to "help", but told DH the only thing she could do is hold the baby, "because DIL is such a good cook". I almost wish I had the skill and joy of OP -- that way I would at least get personal satisfaction for making something amazing instead of just having a MIL who assumes I'm trying to show her up.
I also sometimes wish I could sign only my name to cards, so that she would realize that without me, her DS would not be sending her Mother's Day flowers, thoughtful birthday gifts, etc.

Why on earth do you do that? Is your DH disabled?

yeah stop doing that. my dh is in charge of gifts and cards for his parents. he hits about a 60% remember rate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, too, fall in the camp of refusing to give MIL the attention and responses she craves. She brings out the worst in me. Minor examples: she says how she needs to get a colonoscopy and clears wants us to worry about her and feel sorry for her- I instead respond by telling her it is no big deal and I get one per year. Or she gushes about how smart and what voracious readers her grandchildren (my kids) are - instead of confirming her rosy view I tell her flatly that her grandkids are middle of the pack in reading in their classes. There is so much history with her that I feel justified in all of this, but I also realize how petty I act around her.

OMG you sound like such a bitch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever my MIL/FIL ask something personal/nosy, which is often, I give them a bland smile and say, "What was that?" Then they have to repeat themselves. Sometimes I just keep smiling and don't say anything; other times, I will say, "Why do you ask?"

Yeah, whether MY family is planning to have an autopsy for MY grandfather (who died in his sleep at the age of 90) is none of YOUR business. How thoughtful and tasteful of you to ask the minute you found out he passed.

Yeah, how much money MY cousin paid for her new house just a few blocks away from us is none of YOUR business. And if you are really that curious, go look it up on Zillow or whatever.

Brilliant

[Anonymous]

I really dislike my MIL. She's done a number of cruel things to my DH and she acknowledges that she's mentally unbalanced but won't seek help. So...I feel this unrepentant antipathy towards her and secretly I'm doing all I can to ensure that my kid doesn't get too close to her. It helps that we live very far away. I only tolerate her because DH still loves her. I actually don't have a single "bad act" to confess because I go to great lengths to conceal my dislike of her, and be unfailing polite and cheerful when I'm with her, but man, do I think terrible things about her, and I talk so much shit about her to my own family. Which is really incredibly unkind of me. I know it, but I just can't seem to reform myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't play passive-aggressive games. I will prepare great meals because I want to, not to make anyone feel bad. My MIL raised an amazing son, who has been a great DH and dad. I am very grateful to her.

My mom had a great MIL and I ended up with a great MIL too.

How nice for you.

[Anonymous]

I always run errands and take longer than I should. But it benefits everyone--I'm more relaxed and happy with some built-in breathing room.

[Anonymous]

Campbell's tomato soup and grilled cheese
Bombolli pizza
Buttered noodles
Ramen
Stouffers lasagna
Hamburger Helper (any variety will do)

Jell-o pairs well with all of the above for dessert.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a mess. She likes to play games. I don't. I learned pretty quickly that she can't play them if I don't engage. I just kill her with kindness. When she visits I just focus on the positive and try not to get sucked in to her vortex of depression. It prohibits meaningful conversation but I don't know how else to do it.

[Anonymous]

Canned baked beans paired with vienna sausage.