Why do people refuse to be realistic about the consequences of long term relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
[T]his thread is a spin off from a man that is angry at once a week ...ONCE A WEEK... and the fact his wife does seem more into it, yet she is fully engaged and has orgasms.

Disagree with the bolded part. She's not fully engaged. She wants him to get it over with. That's the source of their problem. She acts like it's a burden to be disposed of as quickly as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every other day there is a post on here about sexual frequency and complaints about the sex drying up in long term relationships. Um, welcome to earth? No it's not just you!! This has ALWAYS been an issue throughout the ages. People have really never heard about this problem before?? I mean, it's unfortunate, depending upon your pov, but that's life. It's what happens. A LOT of people need novelty, excitement, and tension to turn them on and those things are just not going to be present in super long relationships. I'm really curious if people think it is actually realistic to expect to have hot, spontaneous sex 3-4 a week after you've been married for 16 YEARS (and probably together for closer to twenty)? Even hot, spontaneous sex once a week, every week for years on end. Once in a while? Sure. Duty sex one or twice a week? Yes. But the rest? I mean really.

Well, there is a lot more information now and it is way more publicized. Also it is impossible not to know about once you start frequenting parenting websites like this one, but by that point one is typically already dealing with it. Also, like many things, you can't really understand what it means until you experience it yourself.

As for why people are in denial about it? Because accepting reality forces one to choose from a set of bad options: suffer, cheat, or leave. Is it any wonder most prefer wishful thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time you have sex with your woman before you get married, put a jellybean in a jar. Every time you have sex after you are married, take a jellybean out of the jar. You will never run out of jelly beans.(Damn sure goes for BJs too, even more so...)

Every time your man voluntarily does something that makes your life easier before you get married, put a jellybean in ajar. Every time he does it after you are married, take one out. You won't run out either if you are married to a man like my first husband. The only time he ever did anything that didn't add to my burden was if he thought he'd get a BJ. He'd actually show me that he loaded the dishwasher "so you'd have no excuse." How about loading the dishwasher because I worked all day, grocery shopped, made dinner, and just did homework duty while you played basketball for 2 hours after work?

My second husband and I are having as much sex after marriage as before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every other day there is a post on here about sexual frequency and complaints about the sex drying up in long term relationships. Um, welcome to earth? No it's not just you!! This has ALWAYS been an issue throughout the ages. People have really never heard about this problem before?? I mean, it's unfortunate, depending upon your pov, but that's life. It's what happens. A LOT of people need novelty, excitement, and tension to turn them on and those things are just not going to be present in super long relationships. I'm really curious if people think it is actually realistic to expect to have hot, spontaneous sex 3-4 a week after you've been married for 16 YEARS (and probably together for closer to twenty)? Even hot, spontaneous sex once a week, every week for years on end. Once in a while? Sure. Duty sex one or twice a week? Yes. But the rest? I mean really.

yes, and this is why monogamy is a complete slog. I have no desire to not be in my long term relationship. However, I find monogamy a very unpleasant condition. I go along with the program because if I didn't my long term relationship would be over, as my spouse wants me all to themselves and confused sex with love. I'm sure long after I'm dead, culture will have dispensed of something as preposterous as monogamy and that problem will be solved.

And kids can be raised in a 'kibbutz' ? I say bs to your idea. Think what it would be like in Syria right now for example. All your 1st world whining is bs.

Someone has been hitting the sauce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time you have sex with your woman before you get married, put a jellybean in a jar. Every time you have sex after you are married, take a jellybean out of the jar. You will never run out of jelly beans.(Damn sure goes for BJs too, even more so...)

Every time your man voluntarily does something that makes your life easier before you get married, put a jellybean in ajar. Every time he does it after you are married, take one out. You won't run out either if you are married to a man like my first husband. The only time he ever did anything that didn't add to my burden was if he thought he'd get a BJ. He'd actually show me that he loaded the dishwasher "so you'd have no excuse." How about loading the dishwasher because I worked all day, grocery shopped, made dinner, and just did homework duty while you played basketball for 2 hours after work?

My second husband and I are having as much sex after marriage as before.

Just so untrue in my case. I hardly did anything to make my wife's life easier before we were married. In this case, I'm sure correlation doesn't equal causation, but if you graphed the amount of sex we have over the years along with the amount of work I do that benefits her in some way, there would be an almost perfectly inverse relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A healthy male sex drive doesn't fade much. Its not a want. If you have never felt a strong drive, there is no analogy. But turn on the Discovery channel, watch a couple of male rams but heads for the right to mate. Or wolves fight to the death, or lions kill cubs to get the female in heat.

Yes, yes of course humans have rational brains that can control a man fro, raping, killing. But the drive is still there, eating away until it's released. Our species depends on the it

Not true.

By 40 men's testosterone has decreased by 10%. Also they don't get as big and hard, their recovery time is longer.

http://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/sex-drive#Overview1

Men are socialized to not control their desires it's not biology.

With respect, there are experiences in life some genders will never understand. I will never know what its like to give birth, to nurse, to feel totally tapped and touched out and never want sex when there are toddlers. I can relate but I won't get it.

If you aren't a man, with normal testosterone, you won't ever understand what a male sex drive feels like. How obsessive it can become to want and seek sex. Which is why men sleep with random prostitutes. And consume endless porn. And occupy Ashley Madison at 10:1 ratios over women. Pour money away at strip clubs. Have sex in rest areas when closeted.

Yes, it's controllable which is why 99% of men have no problem going through life without sexually assaulting women. Yes, my sex drive at 40 isn't what it was at 18 - I generally only masturbate 1x per day, when I was 18 it was 2-3x a day. Erections aren't as good as they used to be. I think about sex often but not constantly.

I agree that people don't understand gender, masculinity and sexual desire... All 3 are different things. I think you probably are mixing the 3.

Men are socialized to believe they are masculine by having sex, that is not testosterone driven.

Just like women are socialized to give birth and parent. That is not estrogen driven.

What you are confusing with drive is your socialization to believe if you have more sex you are masculine ... If you have less sex you are feminine... But men think victim... Which psychologically often are thought of as the same thing, by men.

It's like a woman who wants 4 kids but her H stops at 2. She may feel an "urge" to have more. That is not biological, that is socialized. She may be disappointed but that is her own reaction and she can change that reaction.

Men are socialized to think they have an urge for sex, but in reality they were socialized to believe if they are not getting sex from a woman, their wife, they are not manly. The urge is to feel manly not to have sex. You can change your way of thinking about masculinity if you wanted but most men don't know that, they claim it is biologically driven.

What is funny is it is easier to lower drive than it is to increase drive. Men could lower their drive to meet their wife's drive with a simple pill. But they are socialized to believe their wife should take a pill to change her drive to match his.

I don't think you know what you're talking about. The desire to procreate, which for women means pregnancy and for men means sex is most definitely hard wired into our biology. It outs hard wired into the entire animal kingdoms biology because it's how a species survives. That is not socialized into us.

Men and women can fight these urges or may not even feel them but that will always be anomalous because a species made up of women who don't want children would die out. It is a bad mutation for humanity.

Modern society has made the whole process more dignified but if anything we've built our societal encouragement around our biological proclivities not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women on here are telling you your wives need romance and excitement in their lives to be turned on and you refuse to listen. I mean, if you're not going to try, why should they??

That's fine, the question is why those men who need more frequent and exciting sex expect someone else to provide it for them. These men are lazy. They should make their own sexlives exciting and if that's what they want. That bad attitude--everything must be done for ME--is precisely the problem. Selfish, lazy men.

There, fixed it for you.

And no, I don't actually think men are selfish and lazy for wanting better sex lives. But I think it's outrageous that men like you expect women to fulfill their man's sexual needs, yet call them selfish for wanting their own needs met.

And don't say some BS like "I would gladly go create my own exciting sex life with other women but my wife won't let me!" I could just as easily say women would love to go create their own exciting romantic lives with other men. But you probably wouldn't like your wife doing that, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every other day there is a post on here about sexual frequency and complaints about the sex drying up in long term relationships. Um, welcome to earth? No it's not just you!! This has ALWAYS been an issue throughout the ages. People have really never heard about this problem before?? I mean, it's unfortunate, depending upon your pov, but that's life. It's what happens. A LOT of people need novelty, excitement, and tension to turn them on and those things are just not going to be present in super long relationships. I'm really curious if people think it is actually realistic to expect to have hot, spontaneous sex 3-4 a week after you've been married for 16 YEARS (and probably together for closer to twenty)? Even hot, spontaneous sex once a week, every week for years on end. Once in a while? Sure. Duty sex one or twice a week? Yes. But the rest? I mean really.

Well, there is a lot more information now and it is way more publicized. Also it is impossible not to know about once you start frequenting parenting websites like this one, but by that point one is typically already dealing with it. Also, like many things, you can't really understand what it means until you experience it yourself.

As for why people are in denial about it? Because accepting reality forces one to choose from a set of bad options: suffer, cheat, or leave. Is it any wonder most prefer wishful thinking?

Or just accept that it is normal and the way things are now?

[Anonymous]

I am 46 and my man is 52 and I don't understand any of this, at all. He gets hard and recovers (in fact, I LOVE that we often do it twice or more in one session, because the 2nd and 3rd time are almost always better than the first). I would be more than sad if all of a sudden that just went away or he lost interest altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
[T]his thread is a spin off from a man that is angry at once a week ...ONCE A WEEK... and the fact his wife does seem more into it, yet she is fully engaged and has orgasms.

Disagree with the bolded part. She's not fully engaged. She wants him to get it over with. That's the source of their problem. She acts like it's a burden to be disposed of as quickly as possible.

You don't know that. I suspect she wants him to finish quickly AFTER she orgasms.... Everyone wants men to finsh quickly after their last orgasm.

[Anonymous]

There are two kinds of people:

Those who crave monagomy, and those who crave change.

The trick to a happy marriage is to figure out what bucket you fall in and marry someone in the same bucket.

Note: even monagomists can have great sex lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
[T]his thread is a spin off from a man that is angry at once a week ...ONCE A WEEK... and the fact his wife does seem more into it, yet she is fully engaged and has orgasms.

Disagree with the bolded part. She's not fully engaged. She wants him to get it over with. That's the source of their problem. She acts like it's a burden to be disposed of as quickly as possible.

You don't know that. I suspect she wants him to finish quickly AFTER she orgasms.... Everyone wants men to finsh quickly after their last orgasm.

Yes thank you. Why do men think we want 30 minutes of thrusting (after foreplay)? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A healthy male sex drive doesn't fade much. Its not a want. If you have never felt a strong drive, there is no analogy. But turn on the Discovery channel, watch a couple of male rams but heads for the right to mate. Or wolves fight to the death, or lions kill cubs to get the female in heat.

Yes, yes of course humans have rational brains that can control a man fro, raping, killing. But the drive is still there, eating away until it's released. Our species depends on the it

Not true.

By 40 men's testosterone has decreased by 10%. Also they don't get as big and hard, their recovery time is longer.

http://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/sex-drive#Overview1

Men are socialized to not control their desires it's not biology.

With respect, there are experiences in life some genders will never understand. I will never know what its like to give birth, to nurse, to feel totally tapped and touched out and never want sex when there are toddlers. I can relate but I won't get it.

If you aren't a man, with normal testosterone, you won't ever understand what a male sex drive feels like. How obsessive it can become to want and seek sex. Which is why men sleep with random prostitutes. And consume endless porn. And occupy Ashley Madison at 10:1 ratios over women. Pour money away at strip clubs. Have sex in rest areas when closeted.

Yes, it's controllable which is why 99% of men have no problem going through life without sexually assaulting women. Yes, my sex drive at 40 isn't what it was at 18 - I generally only masturbate 1x per day, when I was 18 it was 2-3x a day. Erections aren't as good as they used to be. I think about sex often but not constantly.

I agree that people don't understand gender, masculinity and sexual desire... All 3 are different things. I think you probably are mixing the 3.

Men are socialized to believe they are masculine by having sex, that is not testosterone driven.

Just like women are socialized to give birth and parent. That is not estrogen driven.

What you are confusing with drive is your socialization to believe if you have more sex you are masculine ... If you have less sex you are feminine... But men think victim... Which psychologically often are thought of as the same thing, by men.

It's like a woman who wants 4 kids but her H stops at 2. She may feel an "urge" to have more. That is not biological, that is socialized. She may be disappointed but that is her own reaction and she can change that reaction.

Men are socialized to think they have an urge for sex, but in reality they were socialized to believe if they are not getting sex from a woman, their wife, they are not manly. The urge is to feel manly not to have sex. You can change your way of thinking about masculinity if you wanted but most men don't know that, they claim it is biologically driven.

What is funny is it is easier to lower drive than it is to increase drive. Men could lower their drive to meet their wife's drive with a simple pill. But they are socialized to believe their wife should take a pill to change her drive to match his.

I don't think you know what you're talking about. The desire to procreate, which for women means pregnancy and for men means sex is most definitely hard wired into our biology. It outs hard wired into the entire animal kingdoms biology because it's how a species survives. That is not socialized into us.

Men and women can fight these urges or may not even feel them but that will always be anomalous because a species made up of women who don't want children would die out. It is a bad mutation for humanity.

Modern society has made the whole process more dignified but if anything we've built our societal encouragement around our biological proclivities not the other way around.

Yes, there is a biological desire to mate. Is that what you are trying to do? Mate? Sex /=/ mating. ... There are many studies on sex when procreation is not possible. Look at the studies of how often animals mate when they are not fertile, The urge to have sex is low. I am not sure you will like that answer, if you want to use animal biology to describe a human martial relationship. Have you observed male dogs when a female is in heat, and then when she isn't. I am sure that was not your intent, to compare animal to human, since that would be sophmorian.

But you did describe human sexuality as a mutation.

You may not want to see the reasearch...

1) it would disprove your point about desire for sex.
2) it does not correlate to human sexual relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A healthy male sex drive doesn't fade much. Its not a want. If you have never felt a strong drive, there is no analogy. But turn on the Discovery channel, watch a couple of male rams but heads for the right to mate. Or wolves fight to the death, or lions kill cubs to get the female in heat.

Yes, yes of course humans have rational brains that can control a man fro, raping, killing. But the drive is still there, eating away until it's released. Our species depends on the it

Not true.

By 40 men's testosterone has decreased by 10%. Also they don't get as big and hard, their recovery time is longer.

http://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/sex-drive#Overview1

Men are socialized to not control their desires it's not biology.

With respect, there are experiences in life some genders will never understand. I will never know what its like to give birth, to nurse, to feel totally tapped and touched out and never want sex when there are toddlers. I can relate but I won't get it.

If you aren't a man, with normal testosterone, you won't ever understand what a male sex drive feels like. How obsessive it can become to want and seek sex. Which is why men sleep with random prostitutes. And consume endless porn. And occupy Ashley Madison at 10:1 ratios over women. Pour money away at strip clubs. Have sex in rest areas when closeted.

Yes, it's controllable which is why 99% of men have no problem going through life without sexually assaulting women. Yes, my sex drive at 40 isn't what it was at 18 - I generally only masturbate 1x per day, when I was 18 it was 2-3x a day. Erections aren't as good as they used to be. I think about sex often but not constantly.

I agree that people don't understand gender, masculinity and sexual desire... All 3 are different things. I think you probably are mixing the 3.

Men are socialized to believe they are masculine by having sex, that is not testosterone driven.

Just like women are socialized to give birth and parent. That is not estrogen driven.

What you are confusing with drive is your socialization to believe if you have more sex you are masculine ... If you have less sex you are feminine... But men think victim... Which psychologically often are thought of as the same thing, by men.

It's like a woman who wants 4 kids but her H stops at 2. She may feel an "urge" to have more. That is not biological, that is socialized. She may be disappointed but that is her own reaction and she can change that reaction.

Men are socialized to think they have an urge for sex, but in reality they were socialized to believe if they are not getting sex from a woman, their wife, they are not manly. The urge is to feel manly not to have sex. You can change your way of thinking about masculinity if you wanted but most men don't know that, they claim it is biologically driven.

What is funny is it is easier to lower drive than it is to increase drive. Men could lower their drive to meet their wife's drive with a simple pill. But they are socialized to believe their wife should take a pill to change her drive to match his.

I don't think you know what you're talking about. The desire to procreate, which for women means pregnancy and for men means sex is most definitely hard wired into our biology. It outs hard wired into the entire animal kingdoms biology because it's how a species survives. That is not socialized into us.

Men and women can fight these urges or may not even feel them but that will always be anomalous because a species made up of women who don't want children would die out. It is a bad mutation for humanity.

Modern society has made the whole process more dignified but if anything we've built our societal encouragement around our biological proclivities not the other way around.

Yes, there is a biological desire to mate. Is that what you are trying to do? Mate? Sex /=/ mating. ... There are many studies on sex when procreation is not possible. Look at the studies of how often animals mate when they are not fertile, The urge to have sex is low. I am not sure you will like that answer, if you want to use animal biology to describe a human martial relationship. Have you observed male dogs when a female is in heat, and then when she isn't. I am sure that was not your intent, to compare animal to human, since that would be sophmorian.

But you did describe human sexuality as a mutation.

You may not want to see the reasearch...

1) it would disprove your point about desire for sex.
2) it does not correlate to human sexual relationships.

I described the lack of sexual drive as a mutation.

Humans are not the only animal that has sex for pleasure but sure its rare. I was responding directly to a poster that claimed men's desire for sex and women's desire for children was socialized into us and not a biological function of our gender. The nuances of marriage are more complicated than that yes but desire for sex and procreation is not a social phenomenon, it's a biological one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, there is a biological desire to mate. Is that what you are trying to do? Mate? Sex /=/ mating. ... There are many studies on sex when procreation is not possible. Look at the studies of how often animals mate when they are not fertile, The urge to have sex is low. I am not sure you will like that answer, if you want to use animal biology to describe a human martial relationship. Have you observed male dogs when a female is in heat, and then when she isn't. I am sure that was not your intent, to compare animal to human, since that would be sophmorian.

But you did describe human sexuality as a mutation.

You may not want to see the reasearch...

1) it would disprove your point about desire for sex.
2) it does not correlate to human sexual relationships.

When the female dog isn't in heat, the male goes looking for another female to mate with.