Why do people refuse to be realistic about the consequences of long term relationships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does starfish mean?

Yes, what?

The way it was explained to me is the wife just lays there and lets the husband do his thing.

[Anonymous]

ok OP, so you have a low drive. no biggie. but some of us have a high drive and also have a spouse with a high drive. is it always 4th of July fireworks every time we have sex, no. but I'm lucky my DH is a great lover and takes care of my needs first. so that is just one of many reasons I want to have sex multiple times a week with him - and he's a pretty happy guy.

and we have 3 kids (teens/pre-teens) and both work full-time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ok OP, so you have a low drive. no biggie. but some of us have a high drive and also have a spouse with a high drive. is it always 4th of July fireworks every time we have sex, no. but I'm lucky my DH is a great lover and takes care of my needs first. so that is just one of many reasons I want to have sex multiple times a week with him - and he's a pretty happy guy.

and we have 3 kids (teens/pre-teens) and both work full-time.

Are there people that don't have the wife go 1st?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, but most of the recent posters have been baffled at their spouse's unwillingness to even try. No, no one should expect thrills and chills five times a week after 16 years, but if your routine has boiled down to once a week, or worse, once a month, it's not asking too much that that one episode of duty sex not feel like just another chore.

.

Jeez though, think about it. So the husband wants to schedule sex and is imagining some porno romp in his head no doubt. Wednesday at 12:30 rolls around and the husband looks to the wife. How sexy is she really going to feel in the middle of the day with no external stimulation? I could laugh just thinking about this. What kind of dolt really thinks this is going to work???

I will say it again. You need to woo your wife. You need to romance her. You need to treat her like you did when your first met. That is the only way this will work the way you want it to, where she is just as into it as you. Why do you men think women usually get aroused by hotel sex? Hotel = new environment = novelty = excitement = romance. Bingo. Now I understand why you might not want to go to that level of effort after 16 years. But don't cry that you're being neglected sexually because of it. You KNOW what to do. You just don't want to do it. You want your cake (hot, spontaneous sex) and you want to eat it too (no added effort put in).


And NO I am not talking about chores! That is not sexy.

Actually I see nothing wrong with the once a month sex taking place at a hotel.

But the tone of most of the responses form women seems to be that they are doing their husbands a huge favor and he has to put all this effort into wooing her. Don't women want to do the same for their husbands at all? Is there no aspect of the once a month (week, whatever) romp that is the wife's responsibility? It's your marriage too. If this is one way to strengthen it (and in some case, save it), why would you need extra external motivation to do that?

The idea of a weekly date night sounds a bit tedious to me after the first few years, but if it's once or twice a month of an hour of pure pleasure? I can't understand how both parties can't go all in on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ok OP, so you have a low drive. no biggie. but some of us have a high drive and also have a spouse with a high drive. is it always 4th of July fireworks every time we have sex, no. but I'm lucky my DH is a great lover and takes care of my needs first. so that is just one of many reasons I want to have sex multiple times a week with him - and he's a pretty happy guy.

and we have 3 kids (teens/pre-teens) and both work full-time.

lol sure

Look I can't answer for the OP but I'm pretty sure she is not talking about "low drive" in general. She's talking specifically about low drive within the context of long term monogamy, which is a very different kettle of fish. That guy's wife? The one who has been married for 16 years? What do you want to bet that she *does* get turned on by men she sees randomly in the streets? Young, good looking boys. NEW guys. It's not just men who want new and strange. She might not want to have sex with the dude she's been married to for 16 years but that doesn't make her asexual. For the life of me, I do not understand why men cannot seem to grasp this simple concept.

WFT to the "starfish" issue, I don't know why these women can't cook up a good fantasy in their heads. That's what I do and it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, but most of the recent posters have been baffled at their spouse's unwillingness to even try. No, no one should expect thrills and chills five times a week after 16 years, but if your routine has boiled down to once a week, or worse, once a month, it's not asking too much that that one episode of duty sex not feel like just another chore.

.

Jeez though, think about it. So the husband wants to schedule sex and is imagining some porno romp in his head no doubt. Wednesday at 12:30 rolls around and the husband looks to the wife. How sexy is she really going to feel in the middle of the day with no external stimulation? I could laugh just thinking about this. What kind of dolt really thinks this is going to work???

I will say it again. You need to woo your wife. You need to romance her. You need to treat her like you did when your first met. That is the only way this will work the way you want it to, where she is just as into it as you. Why do you men think women usually get aroused by hotel sex? Hotel = new environment = novelty = excitement = romance. Bingo. Now I understand why you might not want to go to that level of effort after 16 years. But don't cry that you're being neglected sexually because of it. You KNOW what to do. You just don't want to do it. You want your cake (hot, spontaneous sex) and you want to eat it too (no added effort put in).


And NO I am not talking about chores! That is not sexy.

Actually I see nothing wrong with the once a month sex taking place at a hotel.

But the tone of most of the responses form women seems to be that they are doing their husbands a huge favor and he has to put all this effort into wooing her. Don't women want to do the same for their husbands at all? Is there no aspect of the once a month (week, whatever) romp that is the wife's responsibility? It's your marriage too. If this is one way to strengthen it (and in some case, save it), why would you need extra external motivation to do that?

The idea of a weekly date night sounds a bit tedious to me after the first few years, but if it's once or twice a month of an hour of pure pleasure? I can't understand how both parties can't go all in on that.

If we're still talking specifically about the low libido thread, that guy and his wife agreed to schedule duty sex once a week. That was fine for a while but now he wants her to be "into" it. Guess what he has to do to make that happen. She's fine with the duty sex, if he wants higher quality, he'll need to go the extra lengths. Look it's up to him. Do the work or not, I don't care. It's not my marriage. But don't delude yourself into thinking it's all your wife's fault either. She is willing to make an effort, you have to meet her halfway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ok OP, so you have a low drive. no biggie. but some of us have a high drive and also have a spouse with a high drive. is it always 4th of July fireworks every time we have sex, no. but I'm lucky my DH is a great lover and takes care of my needs first. so that is just one of many reasons I want to have sex multiple times a week with him - and he's a pretty happy guy.

and we have 3 kids (teens/pre-teens) and both work full-time.

lol sure

Look I can't answer for the OP but I'm pretty sure she is not talking about "low drive" in general. She's talking specifically about low drive within the context of long term monogamy, which is a very different kettle of fish. That guy's wife? The one who has been married for 16 years? What do you want to bet that she *does* get turned on by men she sees randomly in the streets? Young, good looking boys. NEW guys. It's not just men who want new and strange. She might not want to have sex with the dude she's been married to for 16 years but that doesn't make her asexual. For the life of me, I do not understand why men cannot seem to grasp this simple concept.

WFT to the "starfish" issue, I don't know why these women can't cook up a good fantasy in their heads. That's what I do and it works.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we're still talking specifically about the low libido thread, that guy and his wife agreed to schedule duty sex once a week. That was fine for a while but now he wants her to be "into" it. Guess what he has to do to make that happen. She's fine with the duty sex, if he wants higher quality, he'll need to go the extra lengths. Look it's up to him. Do the work or not, I don't care. It's not my marriage. But don't delude yourself into thinking it's all your wife's fault either. She is willing to make an effort, you have to meet her halfway.

What I got from that thread is that he wants her distaste to be less palpable, which I can only see as reasonable. Nowhere has anyone suggested anything is the wife's "fault". But pretending that starfish sex should ever be acceptable is just too much of a stretch.

I'm pretty sure men would like variety in their partners too, but apparently there are actually men who value their marriage vows and want to honor them without having to pretend their libido no longer exists.

[Anonymous]

We were 25 and 26 when we got engaged. Nobody told us what would happen.

What should they have said? "Monogamy is boring. Don't do it." ???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were 25 and 26 when we got engaged. Nobody told us what would happen.

What should they have said? "Monogamy is boring. Don't do it." ???

What planet are you living on?? LOL. People say this ALLLLL the damn time. No one listens. Then they end up in this same situation in their late thirties or forties and look around like they are the first person this ever happened to. Never fails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ok OP, so you have a low drive. no biggie. but some of us have a high drive and also have a spouse with a high drive. is it always 4th of July fireworks every time we have sex, no. but I'm lucky my DH is a great lover and takes care of my needs first. so that is just one of many reasons I want to have sex multiple times a week with him - and he's a pretty happy guy.

and we have 3 kids (teens/pre-teens) and both work full-time.

High drive high drive marriage here. My spouse is a great lover. However, doesn't much matter. Having sex with the same person 3xs a week is a complete bore

I love scallops. I don't want to eat scallops for dinner every single night, for the next 20 years, no matter how incredible the diversity of the preparation. I'm sure others would be happy with scallops forever and ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ok OP, so you have a low drive. no biggie. but some of us have a high drive and also have a spouse with a high drive. is it always 4th of July fireworks every time we have sex, no. but I'm lucky my DH is a great lover and takes care of my needs first. so that is just one of many reasons I want to have sex multiple times a week with him - and he's a pretty happy guy.

and we have 3 kids (teens/pre-teens) and both work full-time.

High drive high drive marriage here. My spouse is a great lover. However, doesn't much matter. Having sex with the same person 3xs a week is a complete bore

I love scallops. I don't want to eat scallops for dinner every single night, for the next 20 years, no matter how incredible the diversity of the preparation. I'm sure others would be happy with scallops forever and ever.

THIS!!!! Human beings just want new and strange. That's how it is. We (mostly) take it personally but maybe we shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ok OP, so you have a low drive. no biggie. but some of us have a high drive and also have a spouse with a high drive. is it always 4th of July fireworks every time we have sex, no. but I'm lucky my DH is a great lover and takes care of my needs first. so that is just one of many reasons I want to have sex multiple times a week with him - and he's a pretty happy guy.

and we have 3 kids (teens/pre-teens) and both work full-time.

High drive high drive marriage here. My spouse is a great lover. However, doesn't much matter. Having sex with the same person 3xs a week is a complete bore

I love scallops. I don't want to eat scallops for dinner every single night, for the next 20 years, no matter how incredible the diversity of the preparation. I'm sure others would be happy with scallops forever and ever.

THIS!!!! Human beings just want new and strange. That's how it is. We (mostly) take it personally but maybe we shouldn't.

So what is the solution to this problem?

[Anonymous]

I got a whole lot of "it'll bounce back after the kids are older. Be patient."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were 25 and 26 when we got engaged. Nobody told us what would happen.

What should they have said? "Monogamy is boring. Don't do it." ???

What planet are you living on?? LOL. People say this ALLLLL the damn time. No one listens. Then they end up in this same situation in their late thirties or forties and look around like they are the first person this ever happened to. Never fails.

What planet do you live on where people all get the same info and jnow the same things? Silly