Kind way to say "no" to play date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. So, the mom and I ended up having lunch. It was fine, though I definitely don't see us getting close. She's an intense tiger mom type. In any case, in her words, "I'm a tiger mom, a bulldog, and am going to make this happen." She was referring to getting our boys together before the school year starts. I came up with every kind excuse, which happen to all be true, but she's not going for it and pinned me down with a date. Anyway, having a small pool/BBQ gathering with her kid and a few others. Who knows, maybe we'll all be surprised.

Yuk! As the mother of a child with SN I would never intimidate another mom like that. I knew a mom like that. She couldn't accept that her kid was forming friendships with some kids who also had needs so she did all sorts of things to manipulate parents of kids without SN to play with her kids. She told sob stories about him that weren't true. She tried the bulldog approach. Nobody should have to do that for a 10 year old. My kid likes plenty of kids who don't have SN. I will invite kids for playdates, but if the parent is evasive I let it go.Guess what, there are kids without SN who actually want to play with my kid. I don't need to manipulate people. If a mom did that to me I would decline and not get together with her myself. Too controlling.

This is OP. I hear you and I have all sorts of icky feelings about this, but I'm going to give it a fair chance and hope it's not too uncomfortable. There will be a couple other kids. If it turns out to be a fail, I'll put my foot down for future. She's super aggressive and she will never read between the lines. I'll have to be firm. Agh! Anyway...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. So, the mom and I ended up having lunch. It was fine, though I definitely don't see us getting close. She's an intense tiger mom type. In any case, in her words, "I'm a tiger mom, a bulldog, and am going to make this happen." She was referring to getting our boys together before the school year starts. I came up with every kind excuse, which happen to all be true, but she's not going for it and pinned me down with a date. Anyway, having a small pool/BBQ gathering with her kid and a few others. Who knows, maybe we'll all be surprised.

Yuk! As the mother of a child with SN I would never intimidate another mom like that. I knew a mom like that. She couldn't accept that her kid was forming friendships with some kids who also had needs so she did all sorts of things to manipulate parents of kids without SN to play with her kids. She told sob stories about him that weren't true. She tried the bulldog approach. Nobody should have to do that for a 10 year old. My kid likes plenty of kids who don't have SN. I will invite kids for playdates, but if the parent is evasive I let it go.Guess what, there are kids without SN who actually want to play with my kid. I don't need to manipulate people. If a mom did that to me I would decline and not get together with her myself. Too controlling.

This is OP. I hear you and I have all sorts of icky feelings about this, but I'm going to give it a fair chance and hope it's not too uncomfortable. There will be a couple other kids. If it turns out to be a fail, I'll put my foot down for future. She's super aggressive and she will never read between the lines. I'll have to be firm. Agh! Anyway...

I'm sorry this mom is being so overbearing about this OP! It's nice of you to give it one more shot but after this you'll probably have to get more direct, almost what you would consider to be rude. It's the only language 'bulldogs' understand.

[Anonymous]

Your son doesn't have to take this boy on as his new BFF, but I'd expect my kids to at least politely socialize with a classmate for a few minutes at social gatherings. There's no point in shunning this family, as it will only get more awkward once the school year begins. It's better to keep things friendly, even if you're not going to be close friends. I have to do the same thing in my adult life, so it's good practice for a 5th grader.

If this mother insists on scheduling something, agree to a time-limited activity in a public venue, so there's a clear start & end. If your son still objects, invite a couple other kids so it's a group thing. Maybe go see a movie, or go to an arcade - something that has the boys in parallel doing something but doesn't require your son to entertain the other boy. If it's a group, even better. When the meet up comes to a close, say "well, have a great summer! It will be great to see you in the fall" - the mother can try to object but I feel like it's easier to be vague about the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. So, the mom and I ended up having lunch. It was fine, though I definitely don't see us getting close. She's an intense tiger mom type. In any case, in her words, "I'm a tiger mom, a bulldog, and am going to make this happen." She was referring to getting our boys together before the school year starts. I came up with every kind excuse, which happen to all be true, but she's not going for it and pinned me down with a date. Anyway, having a small pool/BBQ gathering with her kid and a few others. Who knows, maybe we'll all be surprised.

Yuk! As the mother of a child with SN I would never intimidate another mom like that. I knew a mom like that. She couldn't accept that her kid was forming friendships with some kids who also had needs so she did all sorts of things to manipulate parents of kids without SN to play with her kids. She told sob stories about him that weren't true. She tried the bulldog approach. Nobody should have to do that for a 10 year old. My kid likes plenty of kids who don't have SN. I will invite kids for playdates, but if the parent is evasive I let it go.Guess what, there are kids without SN who actually want to play with my kid. I don't need to manipulate people. If a mom did that to me I would decline and not get together with her myself. Too controlling.

This is OP. I hear you and I have all sorts of icky feelings about this, but I'm going to give it a fair chance and hope it's not too uncomfortable. There will be a couple other kids. If it turns out to be a fail, I'll put my foot down for future. She's super aggressive and she will never read between the lines. I'll have to be firm. Agh! Anyway...

I am also parent of a child with SN including social delays. I posted earlier about being evasive- that should have worked but in this case, apparently not. She's setting her son up by forcing get togethers with a boy who's not interested in being his friend. This will come back to bite her DS at school if he mistakenly believes your DS is his best buddy. If your son continues to not want to play with this boy, I would be upfront after the BBQ-- it will cause hard feelings but it's kinder if she thinks she can bull dog the friendship/ connection.
I'm just really surprised at how aggressive the other mom is being-- I want my DS to have friends too, so long as those kids like him and enjoy his company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you're not seeming to grasp OP is that if you allow your son to effectively reject your friend's son at this early stage, no effort made - you will lose this friend completely. In fact I would say there's a chance she'll never speak to you again.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you're not seeming to grasp OP is that if you allow your son to effectively reject your friend's son at this early stage, no effort made - you will lose this friend completely. In fact I would say there's a chance she'll never speak to you again.

+1

I do grasp it. After these interactions, I'm actually hoping she'll "never speak to me again." If you read the post, you would have seen that we were acquaintances. Our superficial interactions were positive, but now that I'm getting to know her, I see otherwise. The real problem here is I was trying to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you're not seeming to grasp OP is that if you allow your son to effectively reject your friend's son at this early stage, no effort made - you will lose this friend completely. In fact I would say there's a chance she'll never speak to you again.

+1

I do grasp it. After these interactions, I'm actually hoping she'll "never speak to me again." If you read the post, you would have seen that we were acquaintances. Our superficial interactions were positive, but now that I'm getting to know her, I see otherwise. The real problem here is I was trying to be nice.

Have there been more interactions? I read about a mom asking about one playdate before starting a new school. Not a big deal to have one playdate. I also read that you enjoyed the mom's company during this get together. So I have no idea why you are now saying that you'd prefer to "never speak to her again". This all just seems so overblown. I can't believe people are this insecure that they can't spend an hour or two with someone who isn't their bestie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you say you let your son pick his own friends, and he didn't feel like he clicked with hers, but you'd definitely like to stay friends - would she and her husband like to get together with you and yours on Saturday night?

I love this. You made it sound so easy.

Because it IS easy. Not the PP but all this parent involvement in friends is so over the top these days. And if she is offended, she isn't the kind of friend you wanted anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you're not seeming to grasp OP is that if you allow your son to effectively reject your friend's son at this early stage, no effort made - you will lose this friend completely. In fact I would say there's a chance she'll never speak to you again.

+1

I do grasp it. After these interactions, I'm actually hoping she'll "never speak to me again." If you read the post, you would have seen that we were acquaintances. Our superficial interactions were positive, but now that I'm getting to know her, I see otherwise. The real problem here is I was trying to be nice.

Have there been more interactions? I read about a mom asking about one playdate before starting a new school. Not a big deal to have one playdate. I also read that you enjoyed the mom's company during this get together. So I have no idea why you are now saying that you'd prefer to "never speak to her again". This all just seems so overblown. I can't believe people are this insecure that they can't spend an hour or two with someone who isn't their bestie.

I can't believe people are so insecure and PC, they force their kids to have playdates with kids they don't want to play with to keep peace with an acquaintance they aren't really friends with. I mean really now. Life is short. Just say no thank you and move on from this hot mess of a situation OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do a playdate. Do a bbq and invite several families including them.

Your son will need to be inclusive and polite as the host, but there is less pressure to be "Friends"

I'd do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you're not seeming to grasp OP is that if you allow your son to effectively reject your friend's son at this early stage, no effort made - you will lose this friend completely. In fact I would say there's a chance she'll never speak to you again.

+1

I do grasp it. After these interactions, I'm actually hoping she'll "never speak to me again." If you read the post, you would have seen that we were acquaintances. Our superficial interactions were positive, but now that I'm getting to know her, I see otherwise. The real problem here is I was trying to be nice.

OP, this is going to be SOOOO awkward for you & your son. This child will be your son's classmate for what is likely years to come. You will see this woman at several functions a year. If you or your son are so hurtfully blunt to spell out the fact that the friendship is just not happening - not now, not ever - then you will be committing to years of awkward avoidance. For your son, this will be a daily issue.

I know that you want this woman to just back off at this point, but think about the long term consequences. Alternatively, you could just insist that your son be kind and non-exclusionary towards this boy at group activities with his classmates (which perhaps, you might already expect?) and avoid one-on-one playdates. That's simple enough, really. Keep avoiding, delaying and prolonging acceptance of invites. Eventually accept one but then invite a couple other kids from the class to join, drop the kids off somewhere where they have something to do other than stare at each other, and let it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. So, the mom and I ended up having lunch. It was fine, though I definitely don't see us getting close. She's an intense tiger mom type. In any case, in her words, "I'm a tiger mom, a bulldog, and am going to make this happen." She was referring to getting our boys together before the school year starts. I came up with every kind excuse, which happen to all be true, but she's not going for it and pinned me down with a date. Anyway, having a small pool/BBQ gathering with her kid and a few others. Who knows, maybe we'll all be surprised.

This is OP. I hear you and I have all sorts of icky feelings about this, but I'm going to give it a fair chance and hope it's not too uncomfortable. There will be a couple other kids. If it turns out to be a fail, I'll put my foot down for future. She's super aggressive and she will never read between the lines. I'll have to be firm. Agh! Anyway...

OP hope the pool/BBQ is fun. Who knows. Maybe you and the mom will keep it superficial and the kids will turn out to be friends. Then you would have different issues to solve!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son doesn't have to take this boy on as his new BFF, but I'd expect my kids to at least politely socialize with a classmate for a few minutes at social gatherings. There's no point in shunning this family, as it will only get more awkward once the school year begins. It's better to keep things friendly, even if you're not going to be close friends. I have to do the same thing in my adult life, so it's good practice for a 5th grader.

If this mother insists on scheduling something, agree to a time-limited activity in a public venue, so there's a clear start & end. If your son still objects, invite a couple other kids so it's a group thing. Maybe go see a movie, or go to an arcade - something that has the boys in parallel doing something but doesn't require your son to entertain the other boy. If it's a group, even better. When the meet up comes to a close, say "well, have a great summer! It will be great to see you in the fall" - the mother can try to object but I feel like it's easier to be vague about the summer.

Totally agree and what I'm trying to do

[Anonymous]

Everyone involved in this situation sounds awful, with the possible exception of the boy that OP's son doesn't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone involved in this situation sounds awful, with the possible exception of the boy that OP's son doesn't like.

Not really- I think the difficult person is the mom of the boy OP's son doesn't like. My son has SN (I posted earlier) I would not try to force anyone to be his friend. It's disrespectful to my son- who happens to be a an amazing kid. He deserves to be around people who see his good qualities.

If OP's son doesn't want to be friends with this boy- so be it. I wouldn't make anyone uncomfortable or embarrass myself/ my child. I think that's what is being missed here- maybe this boy isn't so desperate for friends that he would opt for someone who doesn't like him. My DS would not - he lets me know whether *he* clicks with someone before I set up a play date. This is a problem with the mom.