Kind way to say "no" to play date

[Anonymous]

Ran into an aquaintence whom, over the years, I'd seen occasionally in social settings. DH and I have always liked her and her DH. We were psyched to learn our rising 5th grade boys would be attending the same school next year. Neither of our boys know anyone at school. We agreed to get together at a cafe so boys could meet. At the cafe, we had fun chatting while the boys alternated between playing games on DS's phone and looking at the other boy's Peanut Cartoon book. About 1/2 an hour into it, DS texted me from across the table asking, "Can we go? I have tons of homework." The look on his face was irritation. He's generally pretty accommodating and flexible with friends. He had no homework, but later in the car he explained his reasons which supported my earlier thought that they had not been clicking. Anyway, we excused ourselves, saying we were sorry to cut it short, but we had a ton to do. The mom seemed to think it went well and suggested getting together again. Because we were leaving for Spring Break, it was an easy escape. Since then, the mom has followed up to get boys together, specifically to invite my DS to play Nerf Wars at their home. Thinking my DS might feel different if he gave it a chance, I asked, but he's not having it. I'm basically coming up with the old "we're busy" excuse, but I don't think she's taking the hint with my evasiveness. For example, I said weekdays are tough and she responded, "How about Sunday?" I'm pretty sure, unless I'm frank, this will drag on. So, how do I say "no" in a kind way? Or, should I just continue to come up with excuses and hope it dies? Maybe I say something like, "Things are crazy for us right now, but maybe the boys can work something out after school begins." She said her son is nervous about new school, so I'm sure that's driving her.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you say you let your son pick his own friends, and he didn't feel like he clicked with hers, but you'd definitely like to stay friends - would she and her husband like to get together with you and yours on Saturday night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you say you let your son pick his own friends, and he didn't feel like he clicked with hers, but you'd definitely like to stay friends - would she and her husband like to get together with you and yours on Saturday night?

I love this. You made it sound so easy.

[Anonymous]

If her son is anxious it is hurtful to be that blunt. I have an anxious child and it would sting. I would use your line that things are super hectic right now with work, practices, classes, hmwk but maybe after the school year starts and hope it dies as you suggested. Usually I'm a straightforward person but this is one time I wouldn't be.

[Anonymous]

Op I have boys and a son this age. Can't you ask him what the problem is? "They didn't click" is ridiculous. They were together for what, an hour? And they are going to the same school next year? I would make him go, once, unless there was a serious problem you missed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you say you let your son pick his own friends, and he didn't feel like he clicked with hers, but you'd definitely like to stay friends - would she and her husband like to get together with you and yours on Saturday night?

I love this. You made it sound so easy.

Or use this line instead if it works for you

[Anonymous]

About 1/2 an hour into it

geeez how long did you expect them to play? That's a lot of pressure. They hardly know each other. I think this means nothing. People of any age need to cross-paths with someone, ideally numerous times.

[Anonymous]

Don't do a playdate. Do a bbq and invite several families including them.

Your son will need to be inclusive and polite as the host, but there is less pressure to be "Friends"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her son is anxious it is hurtful to be that blunt. I have an anxious child and it would sting. I would use your line that things are super hectic right now with work, practices, classes, hmwk but maybe after the school year starts and hope it dies as you suggested. Usually I'm a straightforward person but this is one time I wouldn't be.

This. You need to be less blunt and more kind. And so does your son.

[Anonymous]

I'm okay with honest: "I'm sorry, my son doesn't seem to want another play date right now (I don't quite know why). Why don't we give it some time?"

If I were on the other end, I would be fine with that. I don't think it's a big deal if kids don't click for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her son is anxious it is hurtful to be that blunt. I have an anxious child and it would sting. I would use your line that things are super hectic right now with work, practices, classes, hmwk but maybe after the school year starts and hope it dies as you suggested. Usually I'm a straightforward person but this is one time I wouldn't be.

If the son is anxious that's on the parents to help him manage, not on the parents' friends. The mom can lie to the kid and just say "Larlo's super busy wrapping things up at his old school but you'll see him when school starts."

[Anonymous]

Your son is difficult. He didn't even give it a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If her son is anxious it is hurtful to be that blunt. I have an anxious child and it would sting. I would use your line that things are super hectic right now with work, practices, classes, hmwk but maybe after the school year starts and hope it dies as you suggested. Usually I'm a straightforward person but this is one time I wouldn't be.

Yes, good point. What I'm really hoping is they end up hitting it off. Good family.

[Anonymous]

My son is in 5th grade and I honestly can't imagine him texting me that he had "lots of homework" a half hour into a get together, even if he wasn't crazy about the other kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is in 5th grade and I honestly can't imagine him texting me that he had "lots of homework" a half hour into a get together, even if he wasn't crazy about the other kid.

If my son saw the other kid pick his nose or something equally gross, I could see him doing that.