Kind way to say "no" to play date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't do a playdate. Do a bbq and invite several families including them.

Your son will need to be inclusive and polite as the host, but there is less pressure to be "Friends"

This. And it can help the other boy meet other kids at the school so that he knows more people than just your son.

Be inclusive. This is a good teaching moment to show your son how to be kind to new people.

[Anonymous]

I always give it a second chance. Have a casual bbq. Outdoor, not inside. Do you know another family with kids the same age? Ask them to join the bbq. See if they get along but don't let that be the focus of the bbq. If they do, that's great. If they don't, at least there's another family they can try and become friends with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I have boys and a son this age. Can't you ask him what the problem is? "They didn't click" is ridiculous. They were together for what, an hour? And they are going to the same school next year? I would make him go, once, unless there was a serious problem you missed

Actually, not only did I notice some major differences in our boys, but I also asked my DS and his reasons confirmed my thoughts as to WHY they didn't click. In addition, his mom referenced a few of his special traits. Getting into the reasons on this board serve no purpose. At the end of the day, DS didn't "click" with the other boy because of a number of differences. I would never "make" a 10 yr old play with a kid with whom he had nothing in common. And, no, I'm not going to get into what the "differences" are.

Just be evasive - if the kid has similar "special traits" as my kid, she'll pick up that your son doesn't want to be friends, because it's the theme song of this boy's life.

She's hoping for a buddy for her kid- it's why she's being persistent. She'll get the message so there's no reason to be blunt unless you need to be.

OP, please listen to this person. She is giving you the best advice (and likely a window into the other mom's life).

[Anonymous]

Agree with last two PPs. I would urge you to give it another try by hosting a different type of gathering.

My DS met one boy two years ago at a similarly awkward non-playdate playdate when we invited his parents over because they were new to the neighborhood. Not only did they not click, they were so disinterested that they spent most of their time on different floors of the house. Well, a few months later after the school year started and the boys were left to socialize on their own they realized that they actually liked each other and have been close friends ever since.

I think the pressure of a playdate with adults present can be too much for some kids, especially if they have "special traits." Maybe the other child makes a strange first impression but it's possible that when son gets to know him better they will find they actually have more in common than they thought.

[Anonymous]

I like the advice about hosting a larger, family oriented event w/ less pressure on the boys "clicking". I also think you need to respect your son's opinions. It doesn't sound to me like he was rude or mean to the other boy, and it does sound like that wasn't a setting ideally conducive to 5th graders forging a connection.

You could say to the other mom "I'd love to get together. But as you probably know, getting 5th graders to do what we want can be challenging. How about if we plan something like a barbecue or pizza and movie night? We can put a movie on that the boys can watch while we get to catch up over dinner. "

Then you can just ask your son to tolerate watching a movie with another kid - which is a lot less pressure filled. If they don't say a word to each other it could still be ok.

[Anonymous]

you might need to consider that your DS's behavior is the one that had the "major differences" and the other kid wasn't the quirky/odd/strange one as you are implying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I have boys and a son this age. Can't you ask him what the problem is? "They didn't click" is ridiculous. They were together for what, an hour? And they are going to the same school next year? I would make him go, once, unless there was a serious problem you missed

I would too.

[Anonymous]

Who the hell gets 5 th grade boys together at a cafe. That is beyond bizarre.

"Species traits"... OP ... You are straight up a bitch and your child is a brat.

5th grade boys can pretty much hang out with anybody for short periods of time ... You child is the bizarre one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I have boys and a son this age. Can't you ask him what the problem is? "They didn't click" is ridiculous. They were together for what, an hour? And they are going to the same school next year? I would make him go, once, unless there was a serious problem you missed

Actually, not only did I notice some major differences in our boys, but I also asked my DS and his reasons confirmed my thoughts as to WHY they didn't click. In addition, his mom referenced a few of his special traits. Getting into the reasons on this board serve no purpose. At the end of the day, DS didn't "click" with the other boy because of a number of differences. I would never "make" a 10 yr old play with a kid with whom he had nothing in common. And, no, I'm not going to get into what the "differences" are.

Just be evasive - if the kid has similar "special traits" as my kid, she'll pick up that your son doesn't want to be friends, because it's the theme song of this boy's life.

She's hoping for a buddy for her kid- it's why she's being persistent. She'll get the message so there's no reason to be blunt unless you need to be.

OP, please listen to this person. She is giving you the best advice (and likely a window into the other mom's life).

This is actually the worst advice in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you might need to consider that your DS's behavior is the one that had the "major differences" and the other kid wasn't the quirky/odd/strange one as you are implying.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Your 10 year old texted you during a play date? While you were pretty much right there with him?

[Anonymous]

Op, you may want to be friends with this mom regardless of your sons' relationship. At least consider it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I have boys and a son this age. Can't you ask him what the problem is? "They didn't click" is ridiculous. They were together for what, an hour? And they are going to the same school next year? I would make him go, once, unless there was a serious problem you missed

Actually, not only did I notice some major differences in our boys, but I also asked my DS and his reasons confirmed my thoughts as to WHY they didn't click. In addition, his mom referenced a few of his special traits. Getting into the reasons on this board serve no purpose. At the end of the day, DS didn't "click" with the other boy because of a number of differences. I would never "make" a 10 yr old play with a kid with whom he had nothing in common. And, no, I'm not going to get into what the "differences" are.

Just be evasive - if the kid has similar "special traits" as my kid, she'll pick up that your son doesn't want to be friends, because it's the theme song of this boy's life.

She's hoping for a buddy for her kid- it's why she's being persistent. She'll get the message so there's no reason to be blunt unless you need to be.

OP, please listen to this person. She is giving you the best advice (and likely a window into the other mom's life).

This is actually the worst advice in the thread.

Why? Op isn't going to listen to the people telling her her son might be the jerk here. She's decided already--her son is not going to give the other boy another chance. So the best outcome is that she not cause direct pain for the other mom.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. So, the mom and I ended up having lunch. It was fine, though I definitely don't see us getting close. She's an intense tiger mom type. In any case, in her words, "I'm a tiger mom, a bulldog, and am going to make this happen." She was referring to getting our boys together before the school year starts. I came up with every kind excuse, which happen to all be true, but she's not going for it and pinned me down with a date. Anyway, having a small pool/BBQ gathering with her kid and a few others. Who knows, maybe we'll all be surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. So, the mom and I ended up having lunch. It was fine, though I definitely don't see us getting close. She's an intense tiger mom type. In any case, in her words, "I'm a tiger mom, a bulldog, and am going to make this happen." She was referring to getting our boys together before the school year starts. I came up with every kind excuse, which happen to all be true, but she's not going for it and pinned me down with a date. Anyway, having a small pool/BBQ gathering with her kid and a few others. Who knows, maybe we'll all be surprised.

Yuk! As the mother of a child with SN I would never intimidate another mom like that. I knew a mom like that. She couldn't accept that her kid was forming friendships with some kids who also had needs so she did all sorts of things to manipulate parents of kids without SN to play with her kids. She told sob stories about him that weren't true. She tried the bulldog approach. Nobody should have to do that for a 10 year old. My kid likes plenty of kids who don't have SN. I will invite kids for playdates, but if the parent is evasive I let it go.Guess what, there are kids without SN who actually want to play with my kid. I don't need to manipulate people. If a mom did that to me I would decline and not get together with her myself. Too controlling.