Wife nearly died. Angry with underwhelming response from her family

[Anonymous]

That sounds very scary snd hard and you are absolutely justified in feeling fed up with your in laws. Don't stress yourself trying to keep them in the loop-they can reach out to you. And I agree with pp:don't give a second thought to sil's wish list!

I had a similar (though less infuriating) situation when one of my children was diagnosed with a serious medical condition. Several years later 2 family members approached me separately to apologize/acknowledge they had really not risen to the occasion. They both said they just didn't really "get it" at the time and were genuinely sorry. I hope your in laws come to their senses too!

[Anonymous]

Have you let your neighbors and friends know? I would love to help out someone if I knew.

[Anonymous]

The SIL sending a Xmas list is ridiculous if she understood the seriousness of the situation, but if they live a long distance away and all work themselves, I am not 100% sure what exactly they could do for you in terms of helping you with childcare, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is like that. You are lucky to have your sister. I would text the SIL and say, I'd love to send gifts this year but things have been a bit difficult so we'll have to wait till things get better.

This is so much more gracious than they deserve. I would be inclined to do what the PPs suggest and either chew her out ("How dare you?") or be passive aggressive ("Thanks for the list, but at this time, I'm too busy caring for my critically ill wife and our small children, while working full time with no family support, locally or otherwise. Happy holidays!"). But knowing people like this, that would just create drama, so my real world advice is just to ignore.

If you feel the need to chew her out later, lord knows this tidbit will keep. For years, if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people just really don't know how to deal with sickness. They probably have a distant relationship anyway, right? I would give it one more try and be really specific about what is going on and what you need. They may feel awkward and out of place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. And thank you for taking such good care of your family--it must be tough.

I'd keep her family informed and keep the lines of communication open, but have no expectations of help.

Time to reach out to her REAL family--her friends, coworkers, neighbors, your family. Anyone with whom she is close--church, whatever. Reach out, explain the situation, and ask for SPECIFIC help. I'm sure they will come through!

Best of luck. I hope the New Year is better for all of you.

This.

[Anonymous]

I think most of us read books and watch movies, TV, and build up a completely false idea of how people are. People are not like that at all. The vast majority of people are selfish, greedy, lustful, self-centered ANIMALS. Unfortunately, despite our beautiful dreams of how people should be, most are like your in-laws.

I no longer expect anything from anybody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of us read books and watch movies, TV, and build up a completely false idea of how people are. People are not like that at all. The vast majority of people are selfish, greedy, lustful, self-centered ANIMALS. Unfortunately, despite our beautiful dreams of how people should be, most are like your in-laws.

I no longer expect anything from anybody.

I am going through a hard time right now. This morning I found out an organization I've done volunteer work for is going to pay two thirds of my January rent.
This afternoon I ran errands. As I approached the library, an old woman held the door open for me. At the supermarket, I was carrying my groceries (express lane kind of day) and two fell on the floor. Two DIFFERENT shoppers, reached to pick them up for me.

I used to be a really negative, dark person. At some point, it kind of got tiring. I was tired of being angry all the time. I was tired of hating the world. I decided to smile at one stranger once a day. Nothing huge, just a little grin. I decided to be the kindness I wanted to see. I got up for people on the train, even if they were my age, just saying, "I sit all day for work and you look tired - go ahead." I held the door for a man carrying a bulky box. A man in a wheelchair was struggling to pick up his dropped phone in Starbucks and I quietly said "Can I get that for you?" and brought it up to his hand. Being nice to other people made me happier. And now that I look for kindness rather than looking for confirmation the world is angry, I see kindness and happiness more often. Sure people still cut off cars in traffic, and walk by homeless people begging. But I see the good too.

I'm no Pollyanna. I still giggle when people trip. I sometimes say "I can not do ONE MORE favor for people this week!" I don't always answer the phone if my parents call. But I'm less angry, and people are nicer to me, or I notice their niceness more, and I try to put niceness out into the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of us read books and watch movies, TV, and build up a completely false idea of how people are. People are not like that at all. The vast majority of people are selfish, greedy, lustful, self-centered ANIMALS. Unfortunately, despite our beautiful dreams of how people should be, most are like your in-laws.

I no longer expect anything from anybody.

Nah. OP's inlaws are terrible. I was unexpectedly hospitalized for a month once. My parents arrived at the hospital same day from a plane ride away. My SIL came that weekend. Random people did all kinds of stuff for us. My family isn't special. That is usually what happens. OP's inlaws really messed up. I would have a really hard time forgiving them.

[Anonymous]

I don't get how anyone in the family could be confused about what is happening with the OP's wife. Just from what he wrote here it sounds serious and I wasn't in the hospital with him or anything.

Basically, these people will not be your support network OP so breathe out and let it go. Do what others have suggested and lean on your FRAMILY -- colleagues, church members, neighbors. I sincerely hope your wife gets better and am sorry your family is going through this difficult time.

And, if you decide to some kind of site or whatever for volunteer caregivers, please share here. I am single with no kids and I have car and free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most of us read books and watch movies, TV, and build up a completely false idea of how people are. People are not like that at all. The vast majority of people are selfish, greedy, lustful, self-centered ANIMALS. Unfortunately, despite our beautiful dreams of how people should be, most are like your in-laws.

I no longer expect anything from anybody.

Nah. OP's inlaws are terrible. I was unexpectedly hospitalized for a month once. My parents arrived at the hospital same day from a plane ride away. My SIL came that weekend. Random people did all kinds of stuff for us. My family isn't special. That is usually what happens. OP's inlaws really messed up. I would have a really hard time forgiving them.

You don't realize how lucky you are. There are lots of families who wouldn't be there.

I think the OP doesn't need to hold on to how awfully they responded. He's got enough to contend with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think most of us read books and watch movies, TV, and build up a completely false idea of how people are. People are not like that at all. The vast majority of people are selfish, greedy, lustful, self-centered ANIMALS. Unfortunately, despite our beautiful dreams of how people should be, most are like your in-laws.

I no longer expect anything from anybody.

Nah. OP's inlaws are terrible. I was unexpectedly hospitalized for a month once. My parents arrived at the hospital same day from a plane ride away. My SIL came that weekend. Random people did all kinds of stuff for us. My family isn't special. That is usually what happens. OP's inlaws really messed up. I would have a really hard time forgiving them.

Who was the most help to you? I'll wager it was your parents and SIL. You're fortunate that you can count on your family to drop everything and come to your aid. Most people don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They did ask 'is there anything we can do' , even if sounded empty, why didnt you tell them what need.

OP here (writing on a cell). I actually asked her parents to come and they sort of hemmed and hawed. I also told her brothers and told them they were welcome to come and any help managing all of this would be welcome. The brothers all deferred to their wives (who I don't talk to normally -- they talk to my wife usually -- and they both texted/emailed with reasons why the brothers couldn't come). None of the brothers or wives have called me to check in. I just call with update and encourage them to keep in touch. My wife's parents STILL haven't come. They had a vacation scheduled and then I don't know. They just keep saying they are trying to find time to come (they still work).

I have been really open about my wife's condition. I am not hiding the ball here or trying to get sympathy or be dramatic. My wife literally cannot talk cogently. She will be in therapy for months and on disability since she's a kindergarten teacher. It's awful and I've had loss in my life and I don't understand it.

Okay. Look, you need to stop trying to get help from people who've made it clear they're not going to help. It sounds like your wife had a stroke. Please DEFINITELY go to therapy for yourself - being a caregiver is super taxing, and to someone who can't communicate, even more so. Please know that having a stroke can give stroke victims a temper. Watch out for that.

You may want to reach out to your wife's school community for help. I'm sure some of her students had stay at home moms who could help out here or there. Reach out to your family, your workplace, your church or temple, etc. Not her family. As much as it sucks, and it does, they're not going to give you what you need. So cut your losses and move on from them.

Not to derail the thread but you are a jerk for writing this. Do you think parents who don't work are just sitting around and waiting for volunteer opportunities? That their time is somehow less valuable? Do you think parents who work are less compassionate? Totally unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I hope your vent helped and that the responses from folks here make you feel better. I am an educator, and I really hope you will reach out to your wife's school or to the kids' daycare. Whether is it a staff member or a student or student's family member - in my experience of 19 years and 6 different schools - people in schools love to help out, they just need to know that you need and want help. Good luck. I hope your wife feels better soon.

[Anonymous]

Something we did when a colleague of ours was critically ill and couldn't do much and her husband had to travel for work and family lived far away -- we started a rotating list for help. Some of us cooked and filled the fridge/freezer, some cleaned, some washed clothes, changed sheets etc., and some just went to be company, taking books and sitting with her. We coordinated it with her husband and family, who were grateful for the help, and kept it in a google doc. One person was in charge of the doc to make sure there were no gaps and that no one person was being burned out.