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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, last update.

DD asked about her Dad the other day, and if he could pick her up from school. I said sure, checked with him, and we arranged it. They played for a nice few hours afterwards. After drop off DD went down for a nap fairly quickly. So I tried one last time to talk to him.

"Do you see how well she responds when you're here?", I said (she really does enjoy seeing him). He said he did. I asked if he'd thought further about a parenting agreement between the two of us. He said no. Then said, "you want me to sign something giving you full custody, don't you?". I told him I wanted to create an agreement that formalized parenting, in whatever form that was. If it involved a greater role for him, that was preferable to me. If he wanted no greater role, then yes, the agreement would reflect the lives we're living.

Because I knew this would be the last conversation we'd have before I filed, I threw it all out there. How some kids are very rooted in their identity; that she'd always wonder about him if he weren't more involved. That I could give her everything except her own dad. He could give her the gift of himself. Etc., etc. I emphasized that the two of us creating an agreement outside the court was beneficial to everyone, most importantly DD, but also us. Less expensive, less drama. That CS wasn't my primary aim, but if he forced me to file, I no longer have a choice. "Once it's in court, it's out of both our hands", I said. He said he's aware.

So, that's that. I touched base with the atty and she'll file for me in about a week. I suppose I've used this forum as something of a therapy process, so I appreciate all who've listened, even the occasional dissenting voices. I've heard lots of opinions...don't rock the boat, just let it go, etc. Even posters like the one above, who suggest I "don't bother him". If he was consistently either in or out of DD's life, I probably wouldn't. But what I've come to feel is the in/out business, lack of transparency regarding his life, and low grade hostility towards me for the past 4 years (when all I've done is raise and support our child, solo), isn't evidence that we don't need an agreement. It's evidence that we do.[b] I had hoped we could include him in it, but it's clear he doesn't want that. [/b]

Thanks for listening. [b]There's a part of me that wonders if I leave this all alone if he'll soften in 5 years? 10 years? Be more a part of her life if I continue to ask nothing of him and let him come and go as he pleases? [/b]But is that fair to DD? That doesn't seem like I'm advocating for my child. It feels low and somewhat humiliating to me. Neither of us planned the baby. Should I just let him be the guest star in all of this? Maybe that'd be better for her? Hard to say. Tough choices.
[/quote]

OP, you're spending a lot of time telling him what you want and asking him what he wants.  His actions over time have already said that quite clearly.    He's made it pretty clear that he doesn't want any responsibility.  You've given him plenty of chances to step up and try to be the kind of Dad you want him to be for your DD, but it's clear that he doesn't want to do that.  It is what it is.  No amount of strategizing and manipulating is going to change that.

In retrospect, I spent a lot of time cajoling and encouraging my children's father to be present for them.  But the reality is that it's not what he was interested in.  Half in, half out, unreliable is almost as painful as not there at all.  And, as a result, my children have missed out on a life that I could have built with another more stable person perhaps.  They have missed the modeling that comes from having an intact family with two parents, even when that second parent is a step-parent.  In retrospect, I can't really say it was the better choice to try to cajole someone into being their father in a way that I wanted that he simply didn't.

Accept what he is telling you.  Have your lawyer draft an agreement giving you full custody -- both legal and physical.  Include some language about visitation that makes you comfortable (once a month on X day or by consensual agreement).  Send or present it to him with a written cover sheet that the agreement is drafted based on the level of interaction he has expressed a preference for.  Ask the dad to sign.  If he brings up child support, be prepared in advance to offer this (or not) as an inducement to sign.  If he refuse to sign, then you have no choice but to file.

But, just having endless discussions about what he wants is going to go nowhere.  He has told you repeatedly in words and action what he is prepared to do.  Just accept it.

You will have to teach your child that his lack of presence isn't a reflection of her worthiness.  It is a reflection of his own brokenness and immaturity.  Create a life where plenty of other people love her, are present regularly and that she knows will be there to care for her, whether those people are friends, relatives or neighbors.  [/quote]

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