Reply to Will likely have to serve ex w/custody papers. Help me stay calm.

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here, last update.

DD asked about her Dad the other day, and if he could pick her up from school. I said sure, checked with him, and we arranged it. They played for a nice few hours afterwards. After drop off DD went down for a nap fairly quickly. So I tried one last time to talk to him.

"Do you see how well she responds when you're here?", I said (she really does enjoy seeing him). He said he did. I asked if he'd thought further about a parenting agreement between the two of us. He said no. Then said, "you want me to sign something giving you full custody, don't you?". I told him I wanted to create an agreement that formalized parenting, in whatever form that was. If it involved a greater role for him, that was preferable to me. If he wanted no greater role, then yes, the agreement would reflect the lives we're living.

Because I knew this would be the last conversation we'd have before I filed, I threw it all out there. How some kids are very rooted in their identity; that she'd always wonder about him if he weren't more involved. That I could give her everything except her own dad. He could give her the gift of himself. Etc., etc. I emphasized that the two of us creating an agreement outside the court was beneficial to everyone, most importantly DD, but also us. Less expensive, less drama. That CS wasn't my primary aim, but if he forced me to file, I no longer have a choice. "Once it's in court, it's out of both our hands", I said. He said he's aware.

So, that's that. I touched base with the atty and she'll file for me in about a week. I suppose I've used this forum as something of a therapy process, so I appreciate all who've listened, even the occasional dissenting voices. I've heard lots of opinions...don't rock the boat, just let it go, etc. Even posters like the one above, who suggest I "don't bother him". If he was consistently either in or out of DD's life, I probably wouldn't. But what I've come to feel is the in/out business, lack of transparency regarding his life, and low grade hostility towards me for the past 4 years (when all I've done is raise and support our child, solo), isn't evidence that we don't need an agreement. It's evidence that we do. I had hoped we could include him in it, but it's clear he doesn't want that.

Thanks for listening. There's a part of me that wonders if I leave this all alone if he'll soften in 5 years? 10 years? Be more a part of her life if I continue to ask nothing of him and let him come and go as he pleases? But is that fair to DD? That doesn't seem like I'm advocating for my child. It feels low and somewhat humiliating to me. Neither of us planned the baby. Should I just let him be the guest star in all of this? Maybe that'd be better for her? Hard to say. Tough choices.
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