Can any DILs/MILs/SILs cop to bad behavior?

[Anonymous]

My ILs think I go to bed at 9 p.m. every night, because that's when I retire whenever we are together.

[Anonymous]

Historically, I think the central theme of my conflicts with my MIL has related to our respective roles. I think she sees herself as the matriarch, whereas I see her as DH's mother. Her matriarchal tendencies extend to my house, where she (e.g.) tells me to use paper plates because china is too much work and helps herself (announcing, not asking) to leftovers to take home after we host a dinner. Minor conflicts in the grand scheme of things but reflective of our different understandings of who we are in the family dynamic.

I think this is an important post. I, like most DILs, have had to bow to a matriarch but I am trying to have a different relationship
with my adult children. As long as they are adults, defined as financially dependent, I'm trying to view us as equals. The problem
on the horizon is when my own mother dies, I worry that without a bossy-one to organize us, that my siblings and I will drift apart.

[Anonymous]

I've been legitimately interested in my husband's side "does things". I really think it's important that my kids have that sense of family history - both dh's and mine. Some traditions are very similar between our families. Some things his family does better, some things my side of the family (in my own humble opinion) does better. In order to incorporate the best of both families into my own children's holiday traditions (we have only spent a couple of Christmases in our own home - we have usually traveled to relatives) I have had to stand my ground at times. I will back off on the little things but if something is important to me for my kids...I've learned not to budge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Historically, I think the central theme of my conflicts with my MIL has related to our respective roles. I think she sees herself as the matriarch, whereas I see her as DH's mother. Her matriarchal tendencies extend to my house, where she (e.g.) tells me to use paper plates because china is too much work and helps herself (announcing, not asking) to leftovers to take home after we host a dinner. Minor conflicts in the grand scheme of things but reflective of our different understandings of who we are in the family dynamic.

I think this is an important post. I, like most DILs, have had to bow to a matriarch but I am trying to have a different relationship
with my adult children. As long as they are adults, defined as financially dependent, I'm trying to view us as equals. The problem
on the horizon is when my own mother dies, I worry that without a bossy-one to organize us, that my siblings and I will drift apart.

With my siblings, I already "lead" a bit by getting the ball rolling on things, but I don't do it in a bossy way. For example, we do "from all of us" gifts for my parents. If I didn't remind them it was "their turn" to purchase and send the gift, they'd never remember. So I wait until a week out, then I say, "I think it's Kathy's turn to send the Mother's Day gift. I was thinking Mom would like either flowers or a gift card to Panera. What do you guys think?" So I'm reminding her of her responsibility, but I'm not doing everything, and I'm not TELLING her what to do. I think there can be a good balance with whomever is the "natural leader" guiding and helping and supporting, but not calling all the shots and acting like the martyr/matriarch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Historically, I think the central theme of my conflicts with my MIL has related to our respective roles. I think she sees herself as the matriarch, whereas I see her as DH's mother. Her matriarchal tendencies extend to my house, where she (e.g.) tells me to use paper plates because china is too much work and helps herself (announcing, not asking) to leftovers to take home after we host a dinner. Minor conflicts in the grand scheme of things but reflective of our different understandings of who we are in the family dynamic.

I think this is an important post. I, like most DILs, have had to bow to a matriarch but I am trying to have a different relationship
with my adult children. As long as they are adults, defined as financially dependent, I'm trying to view us as equals. The problem
on the horizon is when my own mother dies, I worry that without a bossy-one to organize us, that my siblings and I will drift apart.

PP here. For the most part, I think the mother of a family creates and maintains the family culture. When a DIL comes into a family, she steps into that role for her own family, and to some extent or another replaces the MIL (insofar as the MIL's nuclear family is no longer the central/primary family, because the children have grown and created their own lives and families). I think MILs experience this as a threat to the family culture.

So in brief, I think IL conflicts between MILs and DILs are by and large culture wars. When a husband and wife come from different cultures and/or religions, the resulting MIL/DIL culture war is that much more intense and meaningful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy, I think you were being kind of mean. So what if she wanted everyone in PJs. Unless you had a real reason not to want to wear your PJs (I would have been legitimately uncomfortable with that request/embarrassed by it) - you were just being difficult and non compliant which was kind of immature of you.

Which part did you miss--the part where PP said it was not her best moment; the part where she said she now generally goes with the flow; or the part where OP was soliciting stories exactly like this, and PP responded?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are certainly times I know I'm battling my MIL through some serious passive aggressive shit. She is a HUGE score keeper and pretty much hates that my family even exists. My DH is under strict instructions to not really share info with her about how much my mother comes over, since that really has nothing to do with my MIL. But then sometimes I go out of my way to mention my family. Part of it is that it honestly hurts my feelings she's not accepting of my family and part of it is that I'd like to rub it in how awesome my family is. This must be done delicately, but I still do it.

If I was a perfect DIL, I'd just act like my family didn't exist around my MIL since I know I could do that, it would keep her happy, and it doesn't effect how much I see my own family. But I just can't do that, so I find ways to bring them up sometimes as a way to remind her I have parents and siblings too.

I TOTALLY do this, too. My MIL would love me to be an orphan. It is SO odd.

[Anonymous]

Love that "non compliant" comment a PP made. That's me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love that "non compliant" comment a PP made. That's me!

Me, too. I go with the flow when I can. But when they make no effort to get to know me as a person rather than "a new Smith" and a baby machine, I turn non-compliant.

[Anonymous]

My 2 year olds could be petulant and non compliant when they got overly tired. It's fine to resist doing anything that goes against your personal beliefs but simply refusing for the sake of refusing...is kinda immature. Pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 2 year olds could be petulant and non compliant when they got overly tired. It's fine to resist doing anything that goes against your personal beliefs but simply refusing for the sake of refusing...is kinda immature. Pick your battles.

This thread is about copping to bad behavior. Do you not get that? No one here is saying they are being mature or taking the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK. My FIL was visiting after the birth of my first child. It was about 3 weeks postpartum and I'd had a C section and was really slow to recover -- climbing stairs was still a major event for me. FIL kept asking for water (on the third floor when I was on the first), complained about the dinner I specially cooked, and was generally totally useless -- not even clearing plates after any meal. DH was great and helping but I was exhausted from hosting. I went to my room, cried, and refused to come out until DH sent FIL packing on a six hour drive back home.

In retrospect, we ended up driving at 6 weeks postpartum to a wedding in his town for BIL so why he felt the need to come is beyond me. But I was probably a jerk. He still seems scared of me years later. He's not my favorite (for other reasons, not evil, just not my kind of guy) but I try to be kind.

Did you refuse to get water and explain why?

Why did you make dinner? That seems like your own fault.

Did you ask him to help clean the table?

What part of "copping to bad behavior" in the thread title did you not understand? Sure it could have been handled better, that's the point.

You can't ask FIL to clear the table because he'd be offended. He's old, and from a macho culture. He expects a hot dinner every night. which is why there was a hot dinner. As for the water, DH got it after the first time and explained the issue.

I don't love these things about FIL but 75 year olds don't change and he is now too old to travel so it's moot. We see him 1-2 times per year for a restaurant meal these days.

More generally, if you want to complain about posters' actions, pick a thread where they aren't admitting their actions were bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 2 year olds could be petulant and non compliant when they got overly tired. It's fine to resist doing anything that goes against your personal beliefs but simply refusing for the sake of refusing...is kinda immature. Pick your battles.

This thread is about copping to bad behavior. Do you not get that? No one here is saying they are being mature or taking the high road.

Maybe I'm being non-compliant!

[Anonymous]

After being patient numerous times with hearing the same story/conversation, I'll finally "snap." I once said, "I'm sorry, we just can't have the 'butter vs. Crisco debate' this visit."

[Anonymous]

I told my MIL off at a holiday meal in public. It was the best thing I ever did.