Can any DILs/MILs/SILs cop to bad behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote about this on another thread. When we were dating (3.5 years) I slept on a twin bunk (more like a toddler sized bed though, DH didn't fit) in DH's childhood room and he slept on the floor in a different room. When we got married and came back for our first married holiday, I saw that same twin bed and I flipped my shit. Even more incredible, they had made DH a bed on the floor in the other room too! We only spent Christmas eve and then left. I made DH sleep on that twin with me that night too. They knew why we'd left so quickly without spending the weekend. Next time we visited, there was a new queen bed waiting for us!

Good for you! That wasn't "bad behavior," that was taking your rightful place as his wife and making it clear that you expected that both of you would be treated as adults--and as a married couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote about this on another thread. When we were dating (3.5 years) I slept on a twin bunk (more like a toddler sized bed though, DH didn't fit) in DH's childhood room and he slept on the floor in a different room. When we got married and came back for our first married holiday, I saw that same twin bed and I flipped my shit. Even more incredible, they had made DH a bed on the floor in the other room too! We only spent Christmas eve and then left. I made DH sleep on that twin with me that night too. They knew why we'd left so quickly without spending the weekend. Next time we visited, there was a new queen bed waiting for us!

Aww, this just sounds like they didn't have room. You guys should have just gotten a hotel instead of having them buy a new bed for what I presume to be infrequent visits.

[Anonymous]

There are certainly times I know I'm battling my MIL through some serious passive aggressive shit. She is a HUGE score keeper and pretty much hates that my family even exists. My DH is under strict instructions to not really share info with her about how much my mother comes over, since that really has nothing to do with my MIL. But then sometimes I go out of my way to mention my family. Part of it is that it honestly hurts my feelings she's not accepting of my family and part of it is that I'd like to rub it in how awesome my family is. This must be done delicately, but I still do it.

If I was a perfect DIL, I'd just act like my family didn't exist around my MIL since I know I could do that, it would keep her happy, and it doesn't effect how much I see my own family. But I just can't do that, so I find ways to bring them up sometimes as a way to remind her I have parents and siblings too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it bothers her, but I keep my MIL on my Restricted FB list. She still sees all the kid photos and everyday posts, but I sometimes indulge my dark humor and don't really want her seeing that. She found out because one of DH's cousins cracked up at something I posted when he was with her, and told her to look at my FB when she asked what was funny.

It wasn't intentional to hurt/exclude her, but I won't change it even though I know it bothers her. Oh well...

This is exactly the kind of thing my SIL did...from day one..which made it clear that she wanted zero relationship with me, and with my family. Why she felt her "dark humor" was so different from anyone else's dark humor is beyond me. Ditto why no one in our family could be informed that she had cancer. Yes, you heard that correctly. We could not know because it was "private." I found out the day of my wedding when she arrived wearing a wig and my brother pulled me aside to tell me she was getting chemo. Gee, thanks for that shitload on my wedding day!

Cancer us extremely private, and there's no right if wrong way for a patient to handle it, PP. You are comparing it to social media settings? Needing chemo is very serious. Losing your hair is demoralizing. It is not about you!

+1

I'm a private person and I totally get why SIL would keep something like that private. But SIL was not keeping it private. She was sharing her news with other people, just not Op. Op got to find out about it on her wedding day which was pretty terrible.

Obviously SIL's private health matters were her own business and cancer is mighty huge thing to have to deal with - you do what you have to do. But to tell everyone but a handful of people (or maybe just Op) is strange. I would imagine that since Op was blocked from SIL's more private info on FB, Op was also posting things that seemed enormously self centered and inconsiderate to the people who were in the know.

I'm sure that SIL had bigger things on her plate to worry about. I'm sure that SIL had her reasons for blocking Op. But that doesn't mean that Op has no reason to feel hurt by it.

[Anonymous]

Still, for her own sake, Op needs to stop second guessing her SIL and Let It Go.

[Anonymous]

I would say this is more self-preservation than bad behavior but we won't allow mil to stay at our house, despite having 2 guest rooms. It drives her crazy but she has treated me pretty poorly throughout our relationship and having her here 24/7 used to make me a very angry person. I need time to decompress at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

I will cop to reactive behavior, although in recent years (we've been married for 19 years), things are much better and we have little conflict.

Historically, I think the central theme of my conflicts with my MIL has related to our respective roles. I think she sees herself as the matriarch, whereas I see her as DH's mother. Her matriarchal tendencies extend to my house, where she (e.g.) tells me to use paper plates because china is too much work and helps herself (announcing, not asking) to leftovers to take home after we host a dinner. Minor conflicts in the grand scheme of things but reflective of our different understandings of who we are in the family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

My confession: MIL was small-town, sheltered in my opinion. It was just the two of us in the car when a song came on the radio with (rather) explicit lyrics. It wasn't even a song I wanted to listen to, but I left it on because she was with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know it bothers her, but I keep my MIL on my Restricted FB list. She still sees all the kid photos and everyday posts, but I sometimes indulge my dark humor and don't really want her seeing that. She found out because one of DH's cousins cracked up at something I posted when he was with her, and told her to look at my FB when she asked what was funny.

It wasn't intentional to hurt/exclude her, but I won't change it even though I know it bothers her. Oh well...

This is exactly the kind of thing my SIL did...from day one..which made it clear that she wanted zero relationship with me, and with my family. Why she felt her "dark humor" was so different from anyone else's dark humor is beyond me. Ditto why no one in our family could be informed that she had cancer. Yes, you heard that correctly. We could not know because it was "private." I found out the day of my wedding when she arrived wearing a wig and my brother pulled me aside to tell me she was getting chemo. Gee, thanks for that shitload on my wedding day!

I understand you OP, my SIL did the same "private thing". She said she couldn't friend people because she was a teacher, blah, blah, blah, then I saw references to her posts from other friends and realized she just didn't want to friend anyone in my family. She is also always has something mean to say to "put everyone in their place".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote about this on another thread. When we were dating (3.5 years) I slept on a twin bunk (more like a toddler sized bed though, DH didn't fit) in DH's childhood room and he slept on the floor in a different room. When we got married and came back for our first married holiday, I saw that same twin bed and I flipped my shit. Even more incredible, they had made DH a bed on the floor in the other room too! We only spent Christmas eve and then left. I made DH sleep on that twin with me that night too. They knew why we'd left so quickly without spending the weekend. Next time we visited, there was a new queen bed waiting for us!

Aww, this just sounds like they didn't have room. You guys should have just gotten a hotel instead of having them buy a new bed for what I presume to be infrequent visits.

We are there monthly. It's very frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote about this on another thread. When we were dating (3.5 years) I slept on a twin bunk (more like a toddler sized bed though, DH didn't fit) in DH's childhood room and he slept on the floor in a different room. When we got married and came back for our first married holiday, I saw that same twin bed and I flipped my shit. Even more incredible, they had made DH a bed on the floor in the other room too! We only spent Christmas eve and then left. I made DH sleep on that twin with me that night too. They knew why we'd left so quickly without spending the weekend. Next time we visited, there was a new queen bed waiting for us!

Aww, this just sounds like they didn't have room. You guys should have just gotten a hotel instead of having them buy a new bed for what I presume to be infrequent visits.

We are there monthly. It's very frequently.

So? You suck it up for the weekend and afterwards, have DH tell his parents you'd (together) prefer to stay at a hotel for visits from now on, since they can't accommodate you. You don't throw a tantrum like a spoiled princess.

[Anonymous]

I fully admit that if my mom and my MIL do the same thing, i think it's awesome/cute when my mom does it and annoying when my MIL does it.

For example, I ask for no more gifts for DC. My mom "just can't resist" some outfit she sees, even though we are drowning in clothes for DC. I agree that it's cute and it goes in to rotation for DC. Then MIL buys an outfit that she can't resist and i am totally annoyed, feel she doesn't listen to what i say, and will even leave it behind at MIL's house when we pack up to go back home.

Even my own mom says i need to go easier on my MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote about this on another thread. When we were dating (3.5 years) I slept on a twin bunk (more like a toddler sized bed though, DH didn't fit) in DH's childhood room and he slept on the floor in a different room. When we got married and came back for our first married holiday, I saw that same twin bed and I flipped my shit. Even more incredible, they had made DH a bed on the floor in the other room too! We only spent Christmas eve and then left. I made DH sleep on that twin with me that night too. They knew why we'd left so quickly without spending the weekend. Next time we visited, there was a new queen bed waiting for us!

Aww, this just sounds like they didn't have room. You guys should have just gotten a hotel instead of having them buy a new bed for what I presume to be infrequent visits.

We are there monthly. It's very frequently.

So? You suck it up for the weekend and afterwards, have DH tell his parents you'd (together) prefer to stay at a hotel for visits from now on, since they can't accommodate you. You don't throw a tantrum like a spoiled princess.

NP. She probably would have rolled with it better if they hadn't put DH *in another room.* How very insulting to separate a married couple!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fully admit that if my mom and my MIL do the same thing, i think it's awesome/cute when my mom does it and annoying when my MIL does it.

For example, I ask for no more gifts for DC. My mom "just can't resist" some outfit she sees, even though we are drowning in clothes for DC. I agree that it's cute and it goes in to rotation for DC. Then MIL buys an outfit that she can't resist and i am totally annoyed, feel she doesn't listen to what i say, and will even leave it behind at MIL's house when we pack up to go back home.

Even my own mom says i need to go easier on my MIL.

I understand this FEELING, but my ACTIONS toward my mom and MIL are fair...I treat that type of behavior the same, even though it irks me more coming from MIL. So I totally get the sentiment, but I've managed not to act unfairly, so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wrote about this on another thread. When we were dating (3.5 years) I slept on a twin bunk (more like a toddler sized bed though, DH didn't fit) in DH's childhood room and he slept on the floor in a different room. When we got married and came back for our first married holiday, I saw that same twin bed and I flipped my shit. Even more incredible, they had made DH a bed on the floor in the other room too! We only spent Christmas eve and then left. I made DH sleep on that twin with me that night too. They knew why we'd left so quickly without spending the weekend. Next time we visited, there was a new queen bed waiting for us!

Aww, this just sounds like they didn't have room. You guys should have just gotten a hotel instead of having them buy a new bed for what I presume to be infrequent visits.

We are there monthly. It's very frequently.

So? You suck it up for the weekend and afterwards, have DH tell his parents you'd (together) prefer to stay at a hotel for visits from now on, since they can't accommodate you. You don't throw a tantrum like a spoiled princess.

NP. She probably would have rolled with it better if they hadn't put DH *in another room.* How very insulting to separate a married couple!

Jesus, people just look for something to get insulted about. Maybe the other room is bigger, maybe it's carpeted and therefore more comfortable, maybe it's quieter and the ILs thought he'd be more comfortable there. Maybe after this woman has been in their lives for 4 years, they just forgot that how they view her needs to be updated after the wedding. People make mistakes.