Reply to Can any DILs/MILs/SILs cop to bad behavior?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]Historically, I think [b]the central theme of my conflicts with my MIL has related to our respective roles. I think she sees herself as the matriarch[/b], whereas I see her as DH's mother. Her matriarchal tendencies extend to my house, where she (e.g.) tells me to use paper plates because china is too much work and helps herself (announcing, not asking) to leftovers to take home after we host a dinner. Minor conflicts in the grand scheme of things but [b]reflective of our different understandings of who we are in the family dynamic[/b].[/quote]

I think this is an important post. I, like most DILs, have had to bow to a matriarch but I am trying to have a different relationship
with my adult children. As long as they are adults, defined as financially dependent, I'm trying to view us as equals. The problem
on the horizon is when my own mother dies, I worry that without a bossy-one to organize us, that my siblings and I will drift apart.[/quote]

With my siblings, I already "lead" a bit by getting the ball rolling on things, but I don't do it in a bossy way. For example, we do "from all of us" gifts for my parents. If I didn't remind them it was "their turn" to purchase and send the gift, they'd never remember. So I wait until a week out, then I say, "I think it's Kathy's turn to send the Mother's Day gift. I was thinking Mom would like either flowers or a gift card to Panera. What do you guys think?" So I'm reminding her of her responsibility, but I'm not doing everything, and I'm not TELLING her what to do. I think there can be a good balance with whomever is the "natural leader" guiding and helping and supporting, but not calling all the shots and acting like the martyr/matriarch.[/quote]

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