When a friend or family member is making a huge parenting mistake...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.


Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

Keep your mouth shut.

+1

Wow - I disagree 100%!!! If I thought my sister was doing something that would emotionally hurt my nephew I would explode at her - and then apologize but definitely restate my objections calmly later. I love my nephew and my sister!!! These are not some random strangers whose business I can butt out of - they are constants in my son's, DH's and my life.


I would definitely bring it up again, PP.

I'll be looking for your sister's post on the "Family Relationships" board. Probably something about her sister yelling at her for deciding to formula feed her son. And then, after they'd moved past it (so she thought!) her sister sent her a follow up email with links and "calm" explanation. How thoughtful!

PP here and no. My nephew is a very, very bright but sensitive and well behaved boy and only 23 months old. He has been home with a loving nanny who reads to him about two hours a day which he loves - and older books for four and five year olds. This is a smart kid. He is also small for his age. My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.


I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

Daycare vs Nanny question. Regardless of their motivations, putting the kid in day care is not going to hurt him. Definitely not your place.

- Mom to a kid who is extremely bright, small for her age, and thriving at day care

NP here and I disagree. PP is a SCHOOL PSYCHOLOGIST and this is a school psychology issue she is uniquely suited to speak to. This isn't someone who's spent too much time on kellymom lecturing everyone around her about the wonders of BFing.

PP with the problem, I think you can bring it up again, but if it were me I'd go through your brother first. Say you want to apologize for your behavior and also talk about the issue calmly and relate what you know about their situation from your work and training, and ask him how best to do those two things with SIL given your blowup. Maybe two different conversations, for example.

but then you have to let it go and just focus on being the caring aunt in the long term. I'm in a family of progressive educators and we are in your boat often with a particular branch of the family who thinks Kumon is the best and their dyslexic son crying over it every day is like pain leaving his body. Opinions were conveyed long ago and ignored, and continuing is not fruitful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.


Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

Keep your mouth shut.

+1

Wow - I disagree 100%!!! If I thought my sister was doing something that would emotionally hurt my nephew I would explode at her - and then apologize but definitely restate my objections calmly later. I love my nephew and my sister!!! These are not some random strangers whose business I can butt out of - they are constants in my son's, DH's and my life.


I would definitely bring it up again, PP.

I'll be looking for your sister's post on the "Family Relationships" board. Probably something about her sister yelling at her for deciding to formula feed her son. And then, after they'd moved past it (so she thought!) her sister sent her a follow up email with links and "calm" explanation. How thoughtful!

PP here and no. My nephew is a very, very bright but sensitive and well behaved boy and only 23 months old. He has been home with a loving nanny who reads to him about two hours a day which he loves - and older books for four and five year olds. This is a smart kid. He is also small for his age. My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.


I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

Please don't. You know this is pretty typical, don't you? Many, many kids go to daycare/preschool all day from an even earlier age. Except for a couple years when I worked part time, my two kids were in daycare/preschool all day from the time they were infants. They are now very well-adjusted, happy, social elementary age kids.

PP here and I agree 100% - both of my kids have been in daycare since they were three months old. Kids who start daycare as infants or before 18 months do great in daycare. Studies have shown that 18 to 20 months is the worst time to start a daycare program however if the child has been cared for in his home with a nanny or SAHP. My nephew is nearly two-years-old and it is a mistake to do it now. Especially if done to "toughen him up".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.


Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

Keep your mouth shut.

+1

Wow - I disagree 100%!!! If I thought my sister was doing something that would emotionally hurt my nephew I would explode at her - and then apologize but definitely restate my objections calmly later. I love my nephew and my sister!!! These are not some random strangers whose business I can butt out of - they are constants in my son's, DH's and my life.


I would definitely bring it up again, PP.

I'll be looking for your sister's post on the "Family Relationships" board. Probably something about her sister yelling at her for deciding to formula feed her son. And then, after they'd moved past it (so she thought!) her sister sent her a follow up email with links and "calm" explanation. How thoughtful!

PP here and no. My nephew is a very, very bright but sensitive and well behaved boy and only 23 months old. He has been home with a loving nanny who reads to him about two hours a day which he loves - and older books for four and five year olds. This is a smart kid. He is also small for his age. My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.


I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

OK, I think it is an overreaction to describe placing a 23 months old in a certified daycare as something that would "emotionally hurt" him. This seems like a reasonable parenting decision, and while only "to toughen him up" was communicated to you as the reason behind this decision, you don't know the whole story. What about financial considerations? Also "toughen him up" could mean a desire to have the child exposed to other peers in a larger, more structured setting. Anyway, whether or not or when to place a child in daycare is a decision that is solely for parents to make. You, describing yourself as a school psychologist and consultant "for the top DC private preschools," also seem to be biased against "big franchised daycares for 8 hours" because you make it sound like they are forced labor camps.

Apologize profusely to your SIL and brother. This is none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.


Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

Keep your mouth shut.

+1

Wow - I disagree 100%!!! If I thought my sister was doing something that would emotionally hurt my nephew I would explode at her - and then apologize but definitely restate my objections calmly later. I love my nephew and my sister!!! These are not some random strangers whose business I can butt out of - they are constants in my son's, DH's and my life.


I would definitely bring it up again, PP.

I'll be looking for your sister's post on the "Family Relationships" board. Probably something about her sister yelling at her for deciding to formula feed her son. And then, after they'd moved past it (so she thought!) her sister sent her a follow up email with links and "calm" explanation. How thoughtful!

PP here and no. My nephew is a very, very bright but sensitive and well behaved boy and only 23 months old. He has been home with a loving nanny who reads to him about two hours a day which he loves - and older books for four and five year olds. This is a smart kid. He is also small for his age. My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.


I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

Please don't. You know this is pretty typical, don't you? Many, many kids go to daycare/preschool all day from an even earlier age. Except for a couple years when I worked part time, my two kids were in daycare/preschool all day from the time they were infants. They are now very well-adjusted, happy, social elementary age kids.

PP here and I agree 100% - both of my kids have been in daycare since they were three months old. Kids who start daycare as infants or before 18 months do great in daycare. Studies have shown that 18 to 20 months is the worst time to start a daycare program however if the child has been cared for in his home with a nanny or SAHP. My nephew is nearly two-years-old and it is a mistake to do it now. Especially if done to "toughen him up".

*** Sorry, that should read that studies have shown that 18 to 30 months is the worst time to start custodial care for a previously at home child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.

I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

OMG, are you for real? You think Daycare is going to ruin your nephew? How insulting to all the families who use daycare?
I sent my smart, sensitive, newly 2yo to KinderCare after being at home for 2 years. She thrived! She loved it. She only went there for a year before preschool, but she still yells out excitedly "KinderCare" every time we drive by it. She is now 6. So far, she is my best performing student of my 4 children (the others stayed home with nanny until preschool)

I don't like your brother's idea to "toughen him up", but that isn't what daycare is about. They can be really good places and open up a whole new world to toddlers. I don't buy that you are a school psychologist at all.

You should apologize for being out of line and then not say anything else. Don't say "sorry, but I disagree with your decision." Two years old is a good time to start more interactions with other kids--such as in daycare. A lot of families send their kids to part-time preschool and have a nanny, but that can get expensive. If your brother is a jerk to the kid because he thinks he needs to toughen him up, that's one thing, but the daycare providers are not going to turn into drill sergeants to toughen up a 2 year old. Most daycare providers are used to helping new kids transition into daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PP here and no. My nephew is a very, very bright but sensitive and well behaved boy and only 23 months old. He has been home with a loving nanny who reads to him about two hours a day which he loves - and older books for four and five year olds. This is a smart kid. He is also small for his age. My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.

I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

No, you actually don't. This is not even close to the borderline of "have to say" or "mind your own business". While you think you have professional experience that is relative, the point is that such a decision is made for many reasons, of which, they really don't need to either detail or justify to you. Your experience is valuable and pertinent, but it really is none of your business to convey your personal experience UNLESS THEY ASK. I would presume that they are well aware that you are "a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools". If they had wanted input based on your expertise, they could have asked. Unless you've hidden your job qualifications from them and never mentioned it, you don't flaunt this in their face. They know what you do for a living and they have not chosen to ask for your opinion on their childcare arrangements, which means that you are offering not only unsolicited, but unwanted advice.

You've already been a jerk once. Don't compound it by being a jerk again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.


Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

Keep your mouth shut.

+1

Wow - I disagree 100%!!! If I thought my sister was doing something that would emotionally hurt my nephew I would explode at her - and then apologize but definitely restate my objections calmly later. I love my nephew and my sister!!! These are not some random strangers whose business I can butt out of - they are constants in my son's, DH's and my life.


I would definitely bring it up again, PP.

I'll be looking for your sister's post on the "Family Relationships" board. Probably something about her sister yelling at her for deciding to formula feed her son. And then, after they'd moved past it (so she thought!) her sister sent her a follow up email with links and "calm" explanation. How thoughtful!

PP here and no. My nephew is a very, very bright but sensitive and well behaved boy and only 23 months old. He has been home with a loving nanny who reads to him about two hours a day which he loves - and older books for four and five year olds. This is a smart kid. He is also small for his age. My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.


I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

OK, I think it is an overreaction to describe placing a 23 months old in a certified daycare as something that would "emotionally hurt" him. This seems like a reasonable parenting decision, and while only "to toughen him up" was communicated to you as the reason behind this decision, you don't know the whole story. What about financial considerations? Also "toughen him up" could mean a desire to have the child exposed to other peers in a larger, more structured setting. Anyway, whether or not or when to place a child in daycare is a decision that is solely for parents to make. You, describing yourself as a school psychologist and consultant "for the top DC private preschools," also seem to be biased against "big franchised daycares for 8 hours" because you make it sound like they are forced labor camps.

Apologize profusely to your SIL and brother. This is none of your business.

Actually I disagree. If your sister can't tell you the truth (or even just her professional opinion) who can? Seriously, are we never going to take advice from anyone ever? Did giving birth make me suddenly infallible ?

This "mine your own business" contingent has gone way too far. I would want to hear advice and opinion for other people. In the end it is my decision, of course, on how I raise my child but I am not afraid of differing opinions and generally learn something from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.

I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

Why do you oppose sending your nephew to daycare? Are you afraid he's going to learn how to socialize and play with children his own age in a classroom setting? Or is it the franchise part that bothers your? How dare he attend the "McDonalds" of daycare instead of going to the top private preschool that you represent? Are you afraid that his attendance at a common daycare will not guarantee his admission to a top Ivy later on?

I cannot believe that as a psychologist you do not understand that this is the perfect age to start attending a daycare so he can learn how to socialize and make friends. This is something that two hours of story-book time with a nanny will never teach him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.


Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

Keep your mouth shut.

+1

Wow - I disagree 100%!!! If I thought my sister was doing something that would emotionally hurt my nephew I would explode at her - and then apologize but definitely restate my objections calmly later. I love my nephew and my sister!!! These are not some random strangers whose business I can butt out of - they are constants in my son's, DH's and my life.


I would definitely bring it up again, PP.

I'll be looking for your sister's post on the "Family Relationships" board. Probably something about her sister yelling at her for deciding to formula feed her son. And then, after they'd moved past it (so she thought!) her sister sent her a follow up email with links and "calm" explanation. How thoughtful!

PP here and no. My nephew is a very, very bright but sensitive and well behaved boy and only 23 months old. He has been home with a loving nanny who reads to him about two hours a day which he loves - and older books for four and five year olds. This is a smart kid. He is also small for his age. My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.


I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

OK, I think it is an overreaction to describe placing a 23 months old in a certified daycare as something that would "emotionally hurt" him. This seems like a reasonable parenting decision, and while only "to toughen him up" was communicated to you as the reason behind this decision, you don't know the whole story. What about financial considerations? Also "toughen him up" could mean a desire to have the child exposed to other peers in a larger, more structured setting. Anyway, whether or not or when to place a child in daycare is a decision that is solely for parents to make. You, describing yourself as a school psychologist and consultant "for the top DC private preschools," also seem to be biased against "big franchised daycares for 8 hours" because you make it sound like they are forced labor camps.

Apologize profusely to your SIL and brother. This is none of your business.

Actually I disagree. If your sister can't tell you the truth (or even just her professional opinion) who can? Seriously, are we never going to take advice from anyone ever? Did giving birth make me suddenly infallible ?

This "mine your own business" contingent has gone way too far. I would want to hear advice and opinion for other people. In the end it is my decision, of course, on how I raise my child but I am not afraid of differing opinions and generally learn something from them.

I would agree with you if she had calmly told them her professional opinion from the get go. Instead, she lost her sh*t on her SIL and has lost all credibility with them on this issue. There is no way you can approach them about this at this point without putting them on the defensive, and I don't blame them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.

I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

Why do you oppose sending your nephew to daycare? Are you afraid he's going to learn how to socialize and play with children his own age in a classroom setting? Or is it the franchise part that bothers your? How dare he attend the "McDonalds" of daycare instead of going to the top private preschool that you represent? Are you afraid that his attendance at a common daycare will not guarantee his admission to a top Ivy later on?

I cannot believe that as a psychologist you do not understand that this is the perfect age to start attending a daycare so he can learn how to socialize and make friends. This is something that two hours of story-book time with a nanny will never teach him.

Says the person with zero early childhood development education. You have no idea what you're talking about, PP.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, the the anti-daycare psychologist sister the OP or is she the one who exploded at her sister and ruined the relationship?

[Anonymous]

A loving, safe, stimulating daycare is a wonderful place for many children (including my soon to be 2 year old.) Daycare is hardly a "huge parenting mistake" in my book!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Actually I disagree. If your sister can't tell you the truth (or even just her professional opinion) who can? Seriously, are we never going to take advice from anyone ever? Did giving birth make me suddenly infallible ?

This "mine your own business" contingent has gone way too far. I would want to hear advice and opinion for other people. In the end it is my decision, of course, on how I raise my child but I am not afraid of differing opinions and generally learn something from them.

Of course PP can tell PP's brother and sister-in-law the truth. What PP can't do is control their reaction. So PP needs to decide which is more important, a good relationship with PP's brother and sister-in-law, or telling PP's brother and sister-in-law the PP's opinion.

And while you say that you want to hear advice and opinions from other people, other people evidently do not, even though you think that they should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


Actually I disagree. If your sister can't tell you the truth (or even just her professional opinion) who can? Seriously, are we never going to take advice from anyone ever? Did giving birth make me suddenly infallible ?

This "mine your own business" contingent has gone way too far. I would want to hear advice and opinion for other people. In the end it is my decision, of course, on how I raise my child but I am not afraid of differing opinions and generally learn something from them.

I would agree with you if she had calmly told them her professional opinion from the get go. Instead, she lost her sh*t on her SIL and has lost all credibility with them on this issue. There is no way you can approach them about this at this point without putting them on the defensive, and I don't blame them.

Well, that's exactly what she's asking for advice about. Given how close they are I don't think ALL credibility was lost, but it does make it a lot harder to broach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.

I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

Why do you oppose sending your nephew to daycare? Are you afraid he's going to learn how to socialize and play with children his own age in a classroom setting? Or is it the franchise part that bothers your? How dare he attend the "McDonalds" of daycare instead of going to the top private preschool that you represent? Are you afraid that his attendance at a common daycare will not guarantee his admission to a top Ivy later on?

I cannot believe that as a psychologist you do not understand that this is the perfect age to start attending a daycare so he can learn how to socialize and make friends. This is something that two hours of story-book time with a nanny will never teach him.

Says the person with zero early childhood development education. You have no idea what you're talking about, PP.

So, you actually demanded that your sister raise her young child in isolation? That is some really crappy advice.