When a friend or family member is making a huge parenting mistake...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.


Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

Keep your mouth shut.

+1

Wow - I disagree 100%!!! If I thought my sister was doing something that would emotionally hurt my nephew I would explode at her - and then apologize but definitely restate my objections calmly later. I love my nephew and my sister!!! These are not some random strangers whose business I can butt out of - they are constants in my son's, DH's and my life.


I would definitely bring it up again, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.

Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

I'm not sure what you mean by "get it on the record"? I think you can approach the parent, apologize for screaming at her, and then say something like, "I felt very strongly that X is dangerous, but I also know that you are a good parent who loves your child, and there was no excuse for being such a jerk about it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd never mention a parenting mistake unless it was abusive or dangerous.

Define abusive. There are so many things that may be psychologically damaging to a child. Children will adapt but at what cost? Wouldn't you want to know if you were doing something that may not be in the best interest of your child?

For my sibling and toxic new partner:

drinking and driving with the kid in the car
verbally abusing the kid
locking them out of the house at a young age
cutting them off from the other parent

Dude, call CPS.

+1

The first one isn't even debatable.

I have. But I also stepped in with sibling. Just trying to underscore the difference between abuse and something like failure to breastfeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thank you. I also feel that I need to mention it once, gently and calmly, and then let it go.

Sorry, but I have been around DCUM long enough to know what a huge debate this would set off!

If you think it would set off a debate here then there are obviously two accepted sides to the issue, both of which she is probably aware of. Don't mention it.

Yep. This.

[Anonymous]

OP, let it out -- a great debate on DCUM is why its here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thank you. I also feel that I need to mention it once, gently and calmly, and then let it go.

Sorry, but I have been around DCUM long enough to know what a huge debate this would set off!

If the "huge parenting mistake" would set off a huge debate on DCUM, then it's not a "huge parenting mistake". It's a "something there are various opinions about".

(Non-vaccination against medical advice is not a parenting mistake; it's a medical mistake.)

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thank you. I also feel that I need to mention it once, gently and calmly, and then let it go.

Sorry, but I have been around DCUM long enough to know what a huge debate this would set off!

If the "huge parenting mistake" would set off a huge debate on DCUM, then it's not a "huge parenting mistake". It's a "something there are various opinions about".

(Non-vaccination against medical advice is not a parenting mistake; it's a medical mistake.)

+1000

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

TELL US OP! DO NOT DO THIS TO US. WE MUST KNOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thank you. I also feel that I need to mention it once, gently and calmly, and then let it go.

Sorry, but I have been around DCUM long enough to know what a huge debate this would set off!

If you think it would set off a debate here then there are obviously two accepted sides to the issue, both of which she is probably aware of. Don't mention it.

this.. if there are two equal sides, then no don't mention it.

[Anonymous]

c'mon OP pleeeeeeease? it's Friday of a holiday weekend. we could use the entertainment.

[Anonymous]

Can you at least give us a hint Op? You said it was emotional abuse, right?

Punishment not fitting misbehavior? Spanking? Belittling? Neglect due to new sibling?

When you approach this person, Op, be sure it's calm.and diplomatic and provide a solution. For example, "My Johnny does the same thing and it drives me nuts. Instead of X, I found that doing/saying Y really helps and way more effective".

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but for purposes of discussion, I recently had a similar issue. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not anti-CIO/sleep training at all and did it with my daughter.

I recently had a friend who did the extinction method with her barely three month old. Started the week after the kid turned three months. Based on the numerous books I had read on the topic, I felt that this was much too young and really agonized over whether to talk to her about it. Essentially, I just wanted to tell her what I had read and make sure she had thought it through, talked to her doc, etc. Essentially, just wanted to know that SOMEONE with some knowledge about this stuff had told her it was okay.

I ended up not saying anything. My reasons were (1) she and I are not THAT close, she's more of a friend of a friend, though we do have a great time when we see each other; and (2) I know that she and her husband are great parents in general and are crazy about the kid.

Still not sure I did the right thing, but I'm pretty sure the kid won't be screwed up forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.


Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

Keep your mouth shut.

+1

Wow - I disagree 100%!!! If I thought my sister was doing something that would emotionally hurt my nephew I would explode at her - and then apologize but definitely restate my objections calmly later. I love my nephew and my sister!!! These are not some random strangers whose business I can butt out of - they are constants in my son's, DH's and my life.


I would definitely bring it up again, PP.

I'll be looking for your sister's post on the "Family Relationships" board. Probably something about her sister yelling at her for deciding to formula feed her son. And then, after they'd moved past it (so she thought!) her sister sent her a follow up email with links and "calm" explanation. How thoughtful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but for purposes of discussion, I recently had a similar issue. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not anti-CIO/sleep training at all and did it with my daughter.

I recently had a friend who did the extinction method with her barely three month old. Started the week after the kid turned three months. Based on the numerous books I had read on the topic, I felt that this was much too young and really agonized over whether to talk to her about it. Essentially, I just wanted to tell her what I had read and make sure she had thought it through, talked to her doc, etc. Essentially, just wanted to know that SOMEONE with some knowledge about this stuff had told her it was okay.

I ended up not saying anything. My reasons were (1) she and I are not THAT close, she's more of a friend of a friend, though we do have a great time when we see each other; and (2) I know that she and her husband are great parents in general and are crazy about the kid.

Still not sure I did the right thing, but I'm pretty sure the kid won't be screwed up forever.

This seems like a reasonable approach. While I completely agree with you that this is too young, it's hard to know the exact circumstances. Maybe her kid had no problem with it and thus there was very little crying. Or maybe she was suffering from serious health or mental health problems because of lack of sleep and it's ultimately better for the well-being of the child that the mom start getting more sleep so she can be a good mom, and this was the only option. Not ideal, but certainly better than ending up super depressed and hurting your child in the future or something!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but for purposes of discussion, I recently had a similar issue. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not anti-CIO/sleep training at all and did it with my daughter.

I recently had a friend who did the extinction method with her barely three month old. Started the week after the kid turned three months. Based on the numerous books I had read on the topic, I felt that this was much too young and really agonized over whether to talk to her about it. Essentially, I just wanted to tell her what I had read and make sure she had thought it through, talked to her doc, etc. Essentially, just wanted to know that SOMEONE with some knowledge about this stuff had told her it was okay.

I ended up not saying anything. My reasons were (1) she and I are not THAT close, she's more of a friend of a friend, though we do have a great time when we see each other; and (2) I know that she and her husband are great parents in general and are crazy about the kid.

Still not sure I did the right thing, but I'm pretty sure the kid won't be screwed up forever.

You definitely did the right thing. There is absolutely no way that commenting on sleep training is your place. The child will be fine.