When a friend or family member is making a huge parenting mistake...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, the the anti-daycare psychologist sister the OP or is she the one who exploded at her sister and ruined the relationship?

The latter.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am in a similar situation, OP. Except I was a total jerk and had a strong emotional reaction first. Now I want to tell this parent/family member the facts calmly but an hesitant to open the can of worms that I did when I was an asshole and screamed at her.


Not to hijack your thread, but does anyone have advice for me? Can I now approach the subject calmly just to get on the record?

Keep your mouth shut.

+1

Wow - I disagree 100%!!! If I thought my sister was doing something that would emotionally hurt my nephew I would explode at her - and then apologize but definitely restate my objections calmly later. I love my nephew and my sister!!! These are not some random strangers whose business I can butt out of - they are constants in my son's, DH's and my life.


I would definitely bring it up again, PP.

I'll be looking for your sister's post on the "Family Relationships" board. Probably something about her sister yelling at her for deciding to formula feed her son. And then, after they'd moved past it (so she thought!) her sister sent her a follow up email with links and "calm" explanation. How thoughtful!

PP here and no. My nephew is a very, very bright but sensitive and well behaved boy and only 23 months old. He has been home with a loving nanny who reads to him about two hours a day which he loves - and older books for four and five year olds. This is a smart kid. He is also small for his age. My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.


I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

OK, I think it is an overreaction to describe placing a 23 months old in a certified daycare as something that would "emotionally hurt" him. This seems like a reasonable parenting decision, and while only "to toughen him up" was communicated to you as the reason behind this decision, you don't know the whole story. What about financial considerations? Also "toughen him up" could mean a desire to have the child exposed to other peers in a larger, more structured setting. Anyway, whether or not or when to place a child in daycare is a decision that is solely for parents to make. You, describing yourself as a school psychologist and consultant "for the top DC private preschools," also seem to be biased against "big franchised daycares for 8 hours" because you make it sound like they are forced labor camps.

Apologize profusely to your SIL and brother. This is none of your business.

Actually I disagree. If your sister can't tell you the truth (or even just her professional opinion) who can? Seriously, are we never going to take advice from anyone ever? Did giving birth make me suddenly infallible ?

This "mine your own business" contingent has gone way too far. I would want to hear advice and opinion for other people. In the end it is my decision, of course, on how I raise my child but I am not afraid of differing opinions and generally learn something from them.

I would agree with you if she had calmly told them her professional opinion from the get go. Instead, she lost her sh*t on her SIL and has lost all credibility with them on this issue. There is no way you can approach them about this at this point without putting them on the defensive, and I don't blame them.

The initial poster has already shared her opinion, and describes herself as being a jerk about it. If she tries to discuss it again, her SIL and brother will completely discount whatever she says and be more annoyed with her. It's a question of nanny vs. daycare, not leaving the kid with a relative with a substance abuse problem or anger issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, the the anti-daycare psychologist sister the OP or is she the one who exploded at her sister and ruined the relationship?

Psychologist is not OP. Nor is she anti-daycare, her kids are in daycare. She did not ruin the relationship. Where do you people get this stuff?

[Anonymous]

And American parenting techniques and American child psychology studies seem to change completely every decade or so, so that "study" you cite will probably change in a few years.
I'm also sure if I look I can find a contradictory study.

Also, European countries send almost all their toddlers to government paid creches at age 12 or 18 months. And guess what, these countries are kicking our butts in the education arena.

I have 4 kids and have seen parenting/psychology change from my oldest to my youngest. I am now watching the negative effects Common Core and Everyday Math are having on my children. But hey, it has been "studied" and is the best way to teach. BS. It, like so many other studies will be abandoned in a few years as a new group of "psychologists" complete their studies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thank you. I also feel that I need to mention it once, gently and calmly, and then let it go.

Sorry, but I have been around DCUM long enough to know what a huge debate this would set off!

Here is your answer. If this is a hugely debatable subject, then there are plenty of people who agree with what they are doing and your 'huge parenting mistake' that will cause emotional harm is something they've thought about it and decided to do. This is not like not using a car seat, or something that is not really debatable. Mind your own business.

+1. If it is a hugely debatable subject then there is no one right answer to the issue. In that case, you assume they made a choice to do it the way you would not. You do not offer unsolicited advice in this case. You only mention it if the subject comes up for discussion or they ask your opinion/advice. And by comes up in discussion, if you are in a discussion and they mention that they do whatever you object to, then you can respond along the lines of "Oh, I don't do that. I read that blah blah blah and it convinced me not to do it." But it doesn't sound like this is likely to be the topic of casual conversation, so you do not get to broach the topic just to give your unsolicit advice contrary to what they've chosen to do.

I've seen a lot of issues where I disagree with my friends' parenting decision and I butt out because it's none of my business. Barring safety of the child, you butt out.

[Anonymous]

I am a SAHM but enrolled all 3 of my kids in part-time daycare when they turned 2 so they could learn how to socialize and make friends. Sure, they cried when I left them the first week or so but after that, they loved the place. Also, it was a *gasp* franchised daycare.

I can't every imagine a child psychologist recommending against this. That's just really bad advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, the the anti-daycare psychologist sister the OP or is she the one who exploded at her sister and ruined the relationship?

Psychologist is not OP. Nor is she anti-daycare, her kids are in daycare. She did not ruin the relationship. Where do you people get this stuff?

Well she sure does have a crappy opinion about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And American parenting techniques and American child psychology studies seem to change completely every decade or so, so that "study" you cite will probably change in a few years.
I'm also sure if I look I can find a contradictory study.

Also, European countries send almost all their toddlers to government paid creches at age 12 or 18 months. And guess what, these countries are kicking our butts in the education arena.

I have 4 kids and have seen parenting/psychology change from my oldest to my youngest. I am now watching the negative effects Common Core and Everyday Math are having on my children. But hey, it has been "studied" and is the best way to teach. BS. It, like so many other studies will be abandoned in a few years as a new group of "psychologists" complete their studies

The Common Core standards are NOT a way to teach. They are standards; they are not a curriculum.

Everyday Math is a curriculum. It's been around since 1998.

http://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2014/04/confusing-math-homework-don-t-blame-the-common-core/360064/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: My brother and SIL decided to send him to a big, franchised daycare for 8 hours a day at least and fire his nanny "to toughen him up". I am opposed to everything about this plan but mostly his motivation. I am a school psychologist and consultant for the top DC private preschools and I know this is a mistake.

I was a jerk to lose it on my SIL when she told me. Now I do want to talk to my SIL and brother about this calmly. And we are close - my brother's family and mine - having kids the same age and shuttling between each others houses for holidays and often evening date-night care.

I feel I have to say something.

Why do you oppose sending your nephew to daycare? Are you afraid he's going to learn how to socialize and play with children his own age in a classroom setting? Or is it the franchise part that bothers your? How dare he attend the "McDonalds" of daycare instead of going to the top private preschool that you represent? Are you afraid that his attendance at a common daycare will not guarantee his admission to a top Ivy later on?

I cannot believe that as a psychologist you do not understand that this is the perfect age to start attending a daycare so he can learn how to socialize and make friends. This is something that two hours of story-book time with a nanny will never teach him.

Says the person with zero early childhood development education. You have no idea what you're talking about, PP.

So, you actually demanded that your sister raise her young child in isolation? That is some really crappy advice.

I'm not the PP and I also didn't say to raise in isolation, but 2 year olds don't "need" daycare or even significant socialization. Play dates, story times, etc are age appropriate.

If you need full-time childcare daycare is a great option. But it's not like kids NEED it or it's better than a care provider in their own home.

Preschool age is different, but PP is talking about a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, the the anti-daycare psychologist sister the OP or is she the one who exploded at her sister and ruined the relationship?

Psychologist is not OP. Nor is she anti-daycare, her kids are in daycare. She did not ruin the relationship. Where do you people get this stuff?

Well she sure does have a crappy opinion about it.

I bet you couldn't even restate her opinion accurately.

[Anonymous]

No way in h*ll would I attempt to tell a new mom that there was only one "right" way to parent and that was My way.

I know what works best for me and for my dh and for my children. That's it. Other parents are certainly just as capable to figure out what will work best for their families.

Sometimes we might have strong opinions about why we chose what we did. Sometimes we might even feel defensive about our own choices and feel the need to tout how wonderful our choice is to other people. Don't.

Quality daycare (or SAH, or grandparents watching the grandkids) is most absolutely a perfectly legitimate option. And it might be the ideal option for some families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:


Actually I disagree. If your sister can't tell you the truth (or even just her professional opinion) who can? Seriously, are we never going to take advice from anyone ever? Did giving birth make me suddenly infallible ?

This "mine your own business" contingent has gone way too far. I would want to hear advice and opinion for other people. In the end it is my decision, of course, on how I raise my child but I am not afraid of differing opinions and generally learn something from them.

I would agree with you if she had calmly told them her professional opinion from the get go. Instead, she lost her sh*t on her SIL and has lost all credibility with them on this issue. There is no way you can approach them about this at this point without putting them on the defensive, and I don't blame them.

Well, that's exactly what she's asking for advice about. Given how close they are I don't think ALL credibility was lost, but it does make it a lot harder to broach.

Yes, and almost everyone's advice is to MYOB even the blow up incident aside.

[Anonymous]

OP, please tell us what this parenting mistake is so we don't have to debate in-home care vs. preschools/daycares anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused, the the anti-daycare psychologist sister the OP or is she the one who exploded at her sister and ruined the relationship?

The latter.

The PP sister (of the brother) isn't anti-daycare! Her own kids are in daycare. She is against moving a shy, sensitive 23 month old to daycare at this point in his life especially with the motivation to "toughen him up". I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please tell us what this parenting mistake is so we don't have to debate in-home care vs. preschools/daycares anymore

Wouldn't it be hilarious if it really was a daycare issue?