Do you tell the wife that her wonderful husband cheated on her for two years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the other woman, do not tell the wife. She will never believe you. She'll just think you are a crazy stalker.

If you are the wife's sister, or life-long best friend, then yes, go ahead and tell.

If you are both the other woman and the wife's sister/best friend, you are a total loser bitch.

+1 Totally agree. As for the part about you being the OW you totally deserve whatever the wife throws at you if you tell. And the OW who tells the wife out of spite is also a total loser bitch.

Do you agree that there is woman who wants to tell out of spite and there is a woman who wants to tell because she might want to the wife to know the extent of the lies and to know she's being lied to and that the situation wasn't what she was told it was, and that it is not coming out of spite but out of feeling aware of just how crazy of a situation the husband had created after looking back.

[Anonymous]

I'd definitely want to know. If he/she had proof, don't care who told me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell. I dated a married man who said he was single. When I found out he was married I told his wife and she thanked me profusely for "telling her what kind of a man she was married to". She's gorgeous and now they're divorced. I wish her well.

I dated a married man who told me he was in the process of divorcing. He was liar. But his DW knows he is a liar and stayed married to him. She is a liar, too. Complete frauds.

[Anonymous]

If the OP is the one in question, she is only "the OW" in terms of the husband. She did not cheat with a married man -- she thought he was available, but he lied to her.

So the "she'll get what she deserves" comments are really unjustified. She was not knowingly dating a married man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Little story:

I have a friend and anytime I saw her DH and another friend together something just seemed off. I observed little looks between them, sly touches. A little too enthusiastic about each other, you know? I felt terrible for "seeing" these things and I always pushed it aside. Because I had noticed though I just kept noticing.

Three years go by and I guess the other friend can read my face after witnessing an interaction between the two and a few days later she comes clean to me. They, both married with children, have been having an affair for 8 years. She explains that they are both staying with their spouses "for the children" and that about 50% of his business trips are to a hotel with her about a mile from his home. I felt sick and wished I could unknow this information.

My friend believes she is happily married. She and DH are affectionate and fun together, great parents. Other friend's husband is a workaholic and pretty inattentive (doesn't mean he should be cheated on). I cringe whenever my friend walks about her wonderful marriage and homelife (often in front of other friend) and there is this huge proverbial gorilla in the room. I am in a position like the OP. I just do not know what to do. My gut tells me to tell my friend, that I myself would want to know. My brain says stay out of it MYOB.

So the OW, a mutual friend, came clean to you with the expectation that you would not tell the wife, a mutual friend. Sorry...not buying it.

Yes. She said she had a feeling I knew something was up, she didn't just blurt it out, she felt me out a bit and finally just came clean. She of course asked me not to tell our friend and was very guilty and upset over it. I honestly told her I didn't know what to do but for now I just wanted to be left out of it. I myself asked her not to tell the husband that I knew (I just don't want to get any deeper) and she said she would not, but who knows, she likely has.

You don't have to buy it. I relayed my personal story to show what a bad situation it is to be in the middle and let the OP know s/he is not alone. No matter what I do here, I am completely damned. Stay out if, I'm keeping a terrible secret. Tell my friend and I'm likely ruining two marriages, betraying a friend, hurting children.

[Anonymous]

If I was in this situation, i would tell the wife, hands down.

And my motivation would be revenge on the husband for lying to me.

In my opinion, if that act hurt the wife, it is his own fault and not mine.

If I grant a man a mortgage believing he has a job and then foreclose on their house when he doesn't make payments, is it my fault that his wife is also impacted?

I realize it's not a perfect analogy, but I would freaking kill (figuratively) someone who lied to me like this man has lied to OP. And the collateral damage would be 100% his fault.

[Anonymous]

I really think that why you want to tell matters. Are you angry that the guy lied to you, and pissed that his wife thinks he's great, and you want to blow that all up out of vengefulness? Are you her friend? Are you going to gloat that her perfect life isn't really perfect, or are you going to help her pick up the pieces? Do you know for sure that she doesn't already know?

I think there are enough people on both sides of the "I'd want to know" and "I wouldn't want to know" debate that it's just not clear what to do in a given situation. The closer you are to the wife, the more likely it is that you're going to be helpful rather than just reveling in your schadenfreude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To those who say MYOB, if you were the aggrieved wife would you want to know the facts or just remain blissfully ignorant?

I would want to know the facts.

I would want to remain ignorant - depending on who was informing me. Truthfully, I would likely already KNOW something was amiss. But if it was a friend or a relative who I know sincerely cares about me AND will be there to help me pick up the pieces - they can tell me. A "friend" who has no sincere care about the aftermath and just "thinks I should know" can MYOFB!

Remaining ignorant is dangerous though. It's unlikely that this will be the last mistress. At least the wife can know something is going on with her husband and seek out counseling to fix the marriage. Also, with remaining ignorant their is a real risk to being blind sided with being left for a side piece.

I hear you...but my point is that I would not want to find out from the nosy busybody who is just trying to start crap. Here is the rub. If my best friend or sister sees somethng and decides to tell me, they KNOW the level of chaos and upheaval that my life will become and by telling me, they are implicity committing to being there for me as I work through it. They are vested too. The casual friend is just going to drop a bomb and go on with her life after she blows mine up.

Nope. Sister/Bff might not be there for you either. You don't give this news to someone with the expectations that you will also help them to handle the news. It is their news to handle. In fact, it may be easier to hear it from someone who is not so tied up with you because it is way easier to tell someone like that f*ck off. And the person won't care if you do say that.

MY sister and MY BF would - of course I cannot speak for anyone elses'. Look if you want to find out that way, that's fine. No criticism or judgment from me. I am just not wired that way.

They could tell you and get hit by a train or have some other devastating news of their own to deal with. Plus, it could be a complicated thing where they knew for a while and didn't tell you (trying to spare you)...you might resent them for that and feel betrayed by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was in this situation, i would tell the wife, hands down.

And my motivation would be revenge on the husband for lying to me.

In my opinion, if that act hurt the wife, it is his own fault and not mine.

If I grant a man a mortgage believing he has a job and then foreclose on their house when he doesn't make payments, is it my fault that his wife is also impacted?

I realize it's not a perfect analogy, but I would freaking kill (figuratively) someone who lied to me like this man has lied to OP. And the collateral damage would be 100% his fault.

I would tell simply because I would want her to know the truth about what happened from the horses mouth. I would not want some twisted version to come out where I was portrayed as the villian in it all. I would want her to know that he hurt me too and that I am terribly sorry for causing her pain because cheating with a married man is not my style.

And I would tell her in a private way so as not to humiliate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was in this situation, i would tell the wife, hands down.

And my motivation would be revenge on the husband for lying to me.

In my opinion, if that act hurt the wife, it is his own fault and not mine.

If I grant a man a mortgage believing he has a job and then foreclose on their house when he doesn't make payments, is it my fault that his wife is also impacted?

I realize it's not a perfect analogy, but I would freaking kill (figuratively) someone who lied to me like this man has lied to OP. And the collateral damage would be 100% his fault.

I would tell simply because I would want her to know the truth about what happened from the horses mouth. I would not want some twisted version to come out where I was portrayed as the villian in it all. I would want her to know that he hurt me too and that I am terribly sorry for causing her pain because cheating with a married man is not my style.

And I would tell her in a private way so as not to humiliate her.

This is exactly the intention I feel, not anything spiteful or vindictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the other woman, do not tell the wife. She will never believe you. She'll just think you are a crazy stalker.

If you are the wife's sister, or life-long best friend, then yes, go ahead and tell.

If you are both the other woman and the wife's sister/best friend, you are a total loser bitch.

+1 Totally agree. As for the part about you being the OW you totally deserve whatever the wife throws at you if you tell. And the OW who tells the wife out of spite is also a total loser bitch.

Do you agree that there is woman who wants to tell out of spite and there is a woman who wants to tell because she might want to the wife to know the extent of the lies and to know she's being lied to and that the situation wasn't what she was told it was, and that it is not coming out of spite but out of feeling aware of just how crazy of a situation the husband had created after looking back.

No. The OP is clearly he OW. The wife already knows he cheated. The OW wants to tell the wife the extent of the affair to make herself feel better, to explain that she is not all bad because they had an apartment together. She thinks if the wife knows "the whole story" she will kcik him out. The PW wants revenge on her AP.

That is why the OP/OW should not tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the other woman, do not tell the wife. She will never believe you. She'll just think you are a crazy stalker.

If you are the wife's sister, or life-long best friend, then yes, go ahead and tell.

If you are both the other woman and the wife's sister/best friend, you are a total loser bitch.

+1 Totally agree. As for the part about you being the OW you totally deserve whatever the wife throws at you if you tell. And the OW who tells the wife out of spite is also a total loser bitch.

Do you agree that there is woman who wants to tell out of spite and there is a woman who wants to tell because she might want to the wife to know the extent of the lies and to know she's being lied to and that the situation wasn't what she was told it was, and that it is not coming out of spite but out of feeling aware of just how crazy of a situation the husband had created after looking back.

No. The OP is clearly he OW. The wife already knows he cheated. The OW wants to tell the wife the extent of the affair to make herself feel better, to explain that she is not all bad because they had an apartment together. She thinks if the wife knows "the whole story" she will kcik him out. The PW wants revenge on her AP.

That is why the OP/OW should not tell.

Do you have this thread confused with another thread? In this thread, the OP didn't willingly have an affair with a married man -- he lied to her. The emotions you ascribe to the OP make no sense whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Create an anonymous email or facebook account and tell the wife. Give her enough clues to figure it out herself (your husband was here on this night with another woman) and then move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the other woman, do not tell the wife. She will never believe you. She'll just think you are a crazy stalker.

If you are the wife's sister, or life-long best friend, then yes, go ahead and tell.

If you are both the other woman and the wife's sister/best friend, you are a total loser bitch.

+1 Totally agree. As for the part about you being the OW you totally deserve whatever the wife throws at you if you tell. And the OW who tells the wife out of spite is also a total loser bitch.

Do you agree that there is woman who wants to tell out of spite and there is a woman who wants to tell because she might want to the wife to know the extent of the lies and to know she's being lied to and that the situation wasn't what she was told it was, and that it is not coming out of spite but out of feeling aware of just how crazy of a situation the husband had created after looking back.

No. The OP is clearly he OW. The wife already knows he cheated. The OW wants to tell the wife the extent of the affair to make herself feel better, to explain that she is not all bad because they had an apartment together. She thinks if the wife knows "the whole story" she will kcik him out. The PW wants revenge on her AP.

That is why the OP/OW should not tell.

Why are you so hellbent on proving OP is "clearly" the OW. There is no evidence to that fact except your delusion/projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Create an anonymous email or facebook account and tell the wife. Give her enough clues to figure it out herself (your husband was here on this night with another woman) and then move on.

+1 this.