Love my wife, but she's getting seriously fat....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Breastfeeding made me ravenous, OP. I mean, total sweet tooth, wanted to eat burgers all the time. I would give it another few months before you broach this sensitive subject. In the meantime, just keep buying and cooking healthy food and doing what you can to ensure she gets enough sleep and time to herself.

Yeah, I'm coming around to see it this way...and I'm ok with that. I took her out for ice cream last weekend at the Moo-Thru and for Gelato this weekend (on our child-free date night). It not so much the occasional treats as the regular pattern (daily), but this (and the excellent Oreo story) may be what's going on, and that's fine.

Unless there is an accident with the IUD, we're not getting pregnant again for at least a few years, if ever, so when the BFing winds down over the next couple of months (that's the plan) maybe things will start to revert.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. OP - you need to give her more time. I understand the need to be attracted to your wife. No matter how much you love and care for her, if she doesn't turn you on there's no sex, if there's no sex then there's no connection, resentment builds on both sides and ultimately, your kids end up with step parents.

If I were you I would do everything I could to offload childcare and household chores from your wife. Make sure she gets lots of sleep and that she has time to exercise. Also, size is more determined by nutrition than exercise. Make sure you guys are BOTH (not just her) eating healthy. If you can cook, rather than eating out, it would certainly be better for both of you.

Lastly, you can't make her want to change, so don't try. She has to want to be fit for herself. The only thing that can happen if you ask her to be more healthy is that she will be demoralized and resentment will build.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the 10:29 poster and I agree that only a salad is not the way to go while breastfeeding - I breastfed my child for 3 years, no formula. She needs to eat low carb, lots of good fats and protein.

Well, my salads have like a whole chicken breast and half an avocado (and a lot of other things like olives) - there are plenty of calories there. And I cook low carb (we don't have starches with meals - not low starch substitutes, no starch). Lunches are the issue, and honestly, given the way her job is, planning lunch is very difficult (not a regular office job, don't want to say anything more).

What I'm starting to appreciate from the other BFers is she may just be feeling ravenous (even if she's gaining and clearly not in deficit) as a side effect of BFing, and if that's so, then I think she will revert to better habits when the BFing is over.

[Anonymous]

5 months post-partum?

Come back in two years, OP.

I am ALL for direct communication between spouse: "My dear, you're getting fat and I'm worried about your health and looks." Both DH and I have said this to each other, and acted on it.

But not 5 months after a baby, OP. No, no, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Breastfeeding made me ravenous, OP. I mean, total sweet tooth, wanted to eat burgers all the time. I would give it another few months before you broach this sensitive subject. In the meantime, just keep buying and cooking healthy food and doing what you can to ensure she gets enough sleep and time to herself.

Yeah, I'm coming around to see it this way...and I'm ok with that. I took her out for ice cream last weekend at the Moo-Thru and for Gelato this weekend (on our child-free date night). It not so much the occasional treats as the regular pattern (daily), but this (and the excellent Oreo story) may be what's going on, and that's fine.

Unless there is an accident with the IUD, we're not getting pregnant again for at least a few years, if ever, so when the BFing winds down over the next couple of months (that's the plan) maybe things will start to revert.

You need to come up with a better date night plan than eating a zillion calories of ice cream. Especially if ice cream is her one true weakness. You are sort of enabling that ice cream habit. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to come up with a better date night plan than eating a zillion calories of ice cream. Especially if ice cream is her one true weakness. You are sort of enabling that ice cream habit. Why?

I'm sorry, this is just ridiculous. Going out for a single serving 1x a week is not enabling; keeping a couple of quarts in the freezer at all times is enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to come up with a better date night plan than eating a zillion calories of ice cream. Especially if ice cream is her one true weakness. You are sort of enabling that ice cream habit. Why?

I'm sorry, this is just ridiculous. Going out for a single serving 1x a week is not enabling; keeping a couple of quarts in the freezer at all times is enabling.

He buys the ice cream to keep in the freezer and then takes her out for ice cream 1x a week. That is enabling. They need to find something else fun to do besides going to the ice cream shop.

[Anonymous]

It's not the ice cream, it's her attitude. I'm 5'3'' and weigh 145lbs 18 months after DC was born. I feel grotesque and fat all the time and worry that DH is losing all attraction. Your wife needs help but I would be amazed if she didn't know all this herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
5 months post-partum?

Come back in two years, OP.

I am ALL for direct communication between spouse: "My dear, you're getting fat and I'm worried about your health and looks." Both DH and I have said this to each other, and acted on it.

But not 5 months after a baby, OP. No, no, no.

This guy is going to hit the road when menopause comes. Better he leave now so she can get husband number 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are going to get absolutely slaughtered here, so brace yourself.

Oh, I knew this was going to happen. I am just venting...I don't really care.

Anonymous wrote:Is your wife in any way experiencing PP depression?

No, not a bit. And she bounced back pretty quickly really. A few tears and times when she missed him after she went back to work, but she's actually doing really well.

Anonymous wrote:I'm assuming this is your first child. How is life with the baby and the adjustment going, in general? Is your wife back to work or staying home?

We both took leave (she for 2 months, me for one), and I do more of the daily child-related stuff, and most of the household chores (laundry, shopping, cooking). The baby is easy, sleeps through the night (for since the 2 month mark) and we're actually adjusting shockingly well. Most people I know with small children are envious and snarky about it.

Anonymous wrote:In all honesty, I agree with you. She does need to start dropping the weight, but I'm trying to understand if there are other, more pressing factors getting in the way.

Time is the big issue - between job and commute, she just doesn't have time for the gym. I don't think the gym is the main issue though. I've shifted the cooking and meals, but the lunchtime fast food and ice cream for between meals snacks is packing it on.

For those who say "you're not allowed to judge" - it's not "judging" (I don't say a word to her about what she's eating or her weight), it's just that I can't help but seeing that she is getting bigger, and it's not baby. And when you say "for a year" - you realize, the longer it's on, the harder it will be to get off - and it will probably never come off.

OK... my assessment: You are doing the lion share of the house work and child rearing while she gets "me time" at work. That means you are doing everything you can to support her. She realizes this and because you now have a child she is comfortable and complacent. She simply knows that she would clean you out in a divorce so she has given up on taking care of herself. She doesn't feel the need to put any effort into the marriage.

The only thing you can do is "man up" and accept her for what she is and love her unconditionally no matter what her behavior is for the sake of the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He buys the ice cream to keep in the freezer and then takes her out for ice cream 1x a week. That is enabling. They need to find something else fun to do besides going to the ice cream shop.

I'm the OP and you can't read: I said I do the shopping and I do not keep ice cream in the house. We do plenty of other things (went on a 5 mile hike in the SNP on Saturday before the dinner out and gelato) aside from going to the shop.

[Anonymous]

Woman here, and I am siding with the OP. Based on the measurements you gave though, she was fat before she had the baby, so you shouldve known she would only go up.

I think women AND MEN, should try to stay attractive for their spouses.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm in a similar situation. For my frame I look really thin at 140. I was around that weight when I got married. I ended up putting on weight before I got pregnant, and actually weighed less when I delivered my daughter than when I got pregnant. I stayed slim (for me) while breastfeeding but the weight started to creep up as my DD weened.
My DD is now six and I've carried this extra weight since. I hate it. My husband has never once complained and treats me like I'm beautiful even though I feel disgusting.
My husband also gained some weight after we had our DD. Within the past 6 months he started to make diet and exercise choices to get healthy and it's motivated me to start as well. He asks me buy healthy food and cook healthy meals. The fact that I know he will be disappointed if I grab take out for dinner, or a pizza, etc... is always in the back of my mind now and I am motivated to make better choices. I guess you could say he is leading by example and he's become a little "angel on my shoulder" when I'm making choices for our family's meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He buys the ice cream to keep in the freezer and then takes her out for ice cream 1x a week. That is enabling. They need to find something else fun to do besides going to the ice cream shop.

I'm the OP and you can't read: I said I do the shopping and I do not keep ice cream in the house. We do plenty of other things (went on a 5 mile hike in the SNP on Saturday before the dinner out and gelato) aside from going to the shop.

O.k. Then if she is only eating ice cream once a week that is NOT what is making her fat. You seem to think that she is gaining weight from overeating at work. It is time to start bringing healthy home cooked meals to work. If she has a job that makes getting to a microwave/fridge difficult then you will have to be creative in how you pack them. Also, she can have a peanut butter sandwich or ham and swiss roll ups just put an apple, string cheese, carrot sticks, etc as sides (as opposed to chips and cookies).

It is good that you are getting out and doing hikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line, OP, is that if your wife doesn't have "time" to exercise -- between her commute, job and new baby -- she is not adjusting as well to motherhood as you think she is.

I agree with you; this is a problem and it's only going to get worse. It sounds like she is stress eating at this point, perhaps an subconscious attempt to feel better about pressure she is feeling that she is not discussing with you. You sound very vested in the point that your baby is so easy, she bounced back and you all adjusted so well. Maybe not so much for her.

I think you need to have a serious talk with her. Her health and weight is more important than her job. It sounds like her priorities (yours too?) are out of whack. Something has to give when you have a new baby. I wonder if you two are just trying to go forward with your lives as though nothing changed.

Exercise won't make her skinny. It's her poor eating habit that is making her fat.

That's true, but exercise is a mindset and goes hand-in-hand with healthy eating.