Love my wife, but she's getting seriously fat....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other things to consider:
1. Do you regularly watch the child in the evening so that she can go for a walk? to the gym?

2. If you do watch the child so that she can go to the gym, is the gym the only place she is ever allowed to go without the child? (That was my case at one point: Hubby would watch the baby so I could go to the gym, but it never occurred to him that I might at some point want to have a cup of coffee, go to a movie without the baby, etc. Going to the gym started to feel a bit like being let out on parole.)

3. How much time do you watch the baby on the weekend so that she can go for a nice walk and enjoy the fall weather, etc?

4. It's really hard to lose weight when your body isn't getting enough sleep. Are you waking up with the baby at least half the time?

5. You mentioned ice cream. It sounds like maybe she's too tired and beat at the end of the day to make herself a healthy treat. Do you ever buy the groceries? Do you ever prepare food? Why don't you help by buying nice fresh fruit and slicing it up so it's available in the refrigerator for all of you to eat? Go on pinterest and read about how to make packages of frozen fruit so all you need to do is throw it in the blender to make a smoothie.

6. Offer to help more -- with laundry, cleaning, etc. I ate a lot when I was angry and resentful because I got no help with the new baby. If your wife is eating her feelings, you need to stop and consider what those feelings might be.

Guy here: These are great suggestions. OP - You need to be part of the solution, she won't be able to do it all by herself. Also, it took her 9 months to get there, then her body went through a traumatic event. I think you need to adopt some patience here. I totally understand that you want to be attracted to your spouse - there's no shame in that, but over the course of a lifetime spouses fitness levels ebb and flow. Recognize that things will come back but it's going to take a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would it come off as controlling if you pack her leftovers for lunch? Maybe suggest trimming back on spending for eating out at least a few times a week? Then she'd have healthy lunches too. But I wouldn't try for everyday, at least not at first. She might have trouble giving up all the fun food.

I make myself a salad every day; I tried making her one too for a while, but she got fed up with that and told me to stop. Sometimes she does take leftovers.

[Anonymous]

The bottom line, OP, is that if your wife doesn't have "time" to exercise -- between her commute, job and new baby -- she is not adjusting as well to motherhood as you think she is.

I agree with you; this is a problem and it's only going to get worse. It sounds like she is stress eating at this point, perhaps an subconscious attempt to feel better about pressure she is feeling that she is not discussing with you. You sound very vested in the point that your baby is so easy, she bounced back and you all adjusted so well. Maybe not so much for her.

I think you need to have a serious talk with her. Her health and weight is more important than her job. It sounds like her priorities (yours too?) are out of whack. Something has to give when you have a new baby. I wonder if you two are just trying to go forward with your lives as though nothing changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line, OP, is that if your wife doesn't have "time" to exercise -- between her commute, job and new baby -- she is not adjusting as well to motherhood as you think she is.

I agree with you; this is a problem and it's only going to get worse. It sounds like she is stress eating at this point, perhaps an subconscious attempt to feel better about pressure she is feeling that she is not discussing with you. You sound very vested in the point that your baby is so easy, she bounced back and you all adjusted so well. Maybe not so much for her.

I think you need to have a serious talk with her. Her health and weight is more important than her job. It sounds like her priorities (yours too?) are out of whack. Something has to give when you have a new baby. I wonder if you two are just trying to go forward with your lives as though nothing changed.

Exercise won't make her skinny. It's her poor eating habit that is making her fat.

[Anonymous]

I'll second the suggestion that you make this about what you as a household are spending on dining out for lunches/snacks and bring up a financial goal you want ro save for instead (family trip, romantic weekend, etc.)

It sidesteps the weight issue but allows you to slow down the high-cal lunches out. And don't pack her salads instead; pack really hearty, delicious food (even if it's similar calorically to what she's eating now) at first so that she learns to associate healthy homemade stuff as being delicious. You can gradually sub out salads later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here with twins. Honestly, the exercise will make her feel better, but a healthy diet will help her lose the weight. Stop buying so much ice cream. She's going to eat it. I wish I had a good support system at home, but DH travels 1-3 weeks a month. 4 kids, 2 of them are infants, and it's hard to be peppy and shop for and cook healthy meals.

Just, yeah, wow...4 kids...$deity help you doing that w/o a support system.

I tried to very gently encourage walking because DW was never an exercise hound (I'm a 30 mile a week runner). I don't expect her to become an exercise hound or to be a "thin" or "athletic" person, and I don't want to in any way make her feel bad about her fitness level or appearance right now to give her time to recover. Also: it doesn't appear to be affecting our sex life yet, and I'm terrified of killing that by saying anything that would make her embarrassed of her body.

Anonymous wrote:When I'm most successful, it's weeks when I've found the time to prep more. Chop up veggies and have them ready to grab from the fridge as a snack. Have fruit prepped for a smoothie so I can choose that instead of ice cream. Finding time for a healthy, filling, protein packed breakfast so I'm less likely to snack on something horrible and easy mid morning. Things like that, things I did when I was thin and had half as many kids. If you're in charge of food, start working on making sure she has amazingly wonderful healthy options so she doesn't hit the ice cream like I did last night.

I do the shopping and do not keep ice cream in the house.

I make healthy meals which are mostly veggies and proteins and avoid carbs like the plague (she's a carb-a-holic); I never make prepared foods (yeah, I'm a foodie snob). To the PP who commented on substituting protein and fat for carbs for better satiety: this is my dietary plan since before I met DW.

But when she's at work and has pizza for lunch and then gets soft serve for an afternoon snack...not much I can do about it. And I'm not about to harp on her or police her eating.

I don't mind Zaftig - I think it's sexy - but I can't handle out and out obesity.

It sounds as though she IS eating healthy at home aside from the ice cream then? She's a grown woman and you can't control what she eats at work but you can help to make her want to get fit. Maybe take up bike riding, kayaking, golfing or some other fun thing together. I know that is easier said than done when she is nursing a young baby. Just think of something once a week that you two could do together that would make her WANT to look good. Maybe going out to watch live music? It doesn't necessarily have to be athletic, just fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll second the suggestion that you make this about what you as a household are spending on dining out for lunches/snacks and bring up a financial goal you want ro save for instead (family trip, romantic weekend, etc.)

It sidesteps the weight issue but allows you to slow down the high-cal lunches out. And don't pack her salads instead; pack really hearty, delicious food (even if it's similar calorically to what she's eating now) at first so that she learns to associate healthy homemade stuff as being delicious. You can gradually sub out salads later.

+1 This is a good idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP but 5'1" 150 lbs was already fat. You married a fat woman.

This is...debatable, but yes, I agree, she was not skinny.

Anonymous wrote:You should not be surprised that she is fatter after giving birth.

I am not, but I didn't expect it to keep going after the pregnancy.

Anonymous wrote:I'm 5'4" and weighed 110 pounds pre-pregnancy. I'm now 125 pounds and feel fat. DH recently commented that I'm not fat but just normal now. He said I used to be skinny. He wasn't trying to be mean but I felt really bad. I want to look good so I am cutting out ice cream and sweets from my diet. Your wife has to be the one who wants to change.

You were skinny; your husband is right, you are now normal. You may feel fat, but you are not fat. Congratulations. If he is telling you that you look normal and it makes you feel bad, then I think you need to consider re-calibrating your sense of fat and skinny.

On that note, I don't think my feelings about my wife's weight are unreasonable based on her height and weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is her height and weight? before and after?

5'1" - 150
" " - 185

That's a lot - I think obese. I was 123 lbs at 5'7 when I got pregnant. I gained a lot, more than I wanted or expected despite eating healthy. Came home from the hospital at 157 lbs but lost most of it within 6 months and was back to my pp weight. I have a crazy job and no time to exercise but ate healthy. There's no excuse for the ice cream diet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it come off as controlling if you pack her leftovers for lunch? Maybe suggest trimming back on spending for eating out at least a few times a week? Then she'd have healthy lunches too. But I wouldn't try for everyday, at least not at first. She might have trouble giving up all the fun food.

I make myself a salad every day; I tried making her one too for a while, but she got fed up with that and told me to stop. Sometimes she does take leftovers.

A salad is *not* a sufficient lunch if she is breast-feeding. It just isn't.

I'm four months postpartum pumping right now. I've already had steel-cut oatmeal, an apple, and string cheese this morning along with over a liter of water and three cups of coffee. I'll be starving in half an hour. And after a substantial lunch at noon, I'll be hungry again at 2-2:30, then be lucky to fight off being hangry before I get dinner around 6. And I have ice cream after dinner every day right now.

It's constant, this managing food and pumping and then trying to be productive--and it's stressful too. Your wife may seem to have it all together, but inside I doubt it. Talk with her--not about food, but about how she's doing emotionally. "Hey, you seem to have it all together, but am I right? How are you feeling with this whole being back to work business?" etc.

And how do you know so much about what she weights anyway? DH and I do not know each other's weight--I would hate to think he was tracking my weight gain/loss.

Oh, and P.S., my husband is overweight, so I know about that concern. It is difficult, but my pointing it out sure as heck isn't going to help! I'm loving my husband for the long run, and right now is a time of life where managing our own physical fitness is really hard, and I'm not going to hold that against him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what this post accomplishes other than talking smack about your wife behind her back. It's fine to be concerned about her health but talk to her about it.

It doesn't accomplish anything except letting me vent anonymously. I'll be honest: I'm not concern-trolling about her heath; I know perfectly well that obesity has adverse effects, but <200 isn't really morbidly obese and at this point I'm more worried about just losing all attraction.

I do appreciate all the ladies who've chimed in with their different weight experiences with BFing, and with the fact that it was only after they were done BFing that their bodies really got back to normal. That's very encouraging.

Thanks for writing that, OP. I'm one of those PPs, and I think you should vent away (anonymously). I don't know what is going on with your wife, I'm sure there are some people who just don't ever take off the weight. But for the time I was post-partum and nursing, it just felt like I had a different body that I could not control and that acted differently than before. I can't really explain it. And then my babies stopped nursing and it was just...back to normal. Here is a somewhat shameful, specific example- with both kids, I seriously could not eat enough oreos during my mat leave and for a while thereafter. Like I would eat them in the middle of the night after being up with the baby. No shame. I hadn't eaten them since I was a kid, but all of a sudden I could eat like an entire package and for the first time in my life, I just could not resist. It was truly gross, and I knew it, but I could not control it. But the less I nursed, the less I craved junky things and thinking about it now, I haven't had anything like that for at least 5-6 months, and honestly the thought of it turns my stomach. My DH joked about it when we were grocery shopping yesterday (he never got on me about my weight - in fact half the time he bought the oreos for me! - and it is honestly funny now).

My youngest child is 15 months old and I'm about 5 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. It's not to say that I never eat bad things, but it's more like once every 2-3 weeks I'll share some ice cream with my kids from the upscale neighborhood place, or a homemade cookie from a party, etc.

My tummy is definitely not as flat as it used to be, but my weight just kind of drifted on down to where it was pre-pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line, OP, is that if your wife doesn't have "time" to exercise -- between her commute, job and new baby -- she is not adjusting as well to motherhood as you think she is.

I agree with you; this is a problem and it's only going to get worse. It sounds like she is stress eating at this point, perhaps an subconscious attempt to feel better about pressure she is feeling that she is not discussing with you. You sound very vested in the point that your baby is so easy, she bounced back and you all adjusted so well. Maybe not so much for her.

I think you need to have a serious talk with her. Her health and weight is more important than her job. It sounds like her priorities (yours too?) are out of whack. Something has to give when you have a new baby. I wonder if you two are just trying to go forward with your lives as though nothing changed.

Oh, please. Nobody has their shit together five months postpartum with their first. And there's thread after thread about how it's impossible to prioritize everything. You just have to pick a few things to prioritize and muddle through as best you can for the first couple years.

[Anonymous]

Breastfeeding made me ravenous, OP. I mean, total sweet tooth, wanted to eat burgers all the time. I would give it another few months before you broach this sensitive subject. In the meantime, just keep buying and cooking healthy food and doing what you can to ensure she gets enough sleep and time to herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it come off as controlling if you pack her leftovers for lunch? Maybe suggest trimming back on spending for eating out at least a few times a week? Then she'd have healthy lunches too. But I wouldn't try for everyday, at least not at first. She might have trouble giving up all the fun food.

I make myself a salad every day; I tried making her one too for a while, but she got fed up with that and told me to stop. Sometimes she does take leftovers.

A salad is *not* a sufficient lunch if she is breast-feeding. It just isn't.

I'm four months postpartum pumping right now. I've already had steel-cut oatmeal, an apple, and string cheese this morning along with over a liter of water and three cups of coffee. I'll be starving in half an hour. And after a substantial lunch at noon, I'll be hungry again at 2-2:30, then be lucky to fight off being hangry before I get dinner around 6. And I have ice cream after dinner every day right now.

It's constant, this managing food and pumping and then trying to be productive--and it's stressful too. Your wife may seem to have it all together, but inside I doubt it. Talk with her--not about food, but about how she's doing emotionally. "Hey, you seem to have it all together, but am I right? How are you feeling with this whole being back to work business?" etc.

And how do you know so much about what she weights anyway? DH and I do not know each other's weight--I would hate to think he was tracking my weight gain/loss.

Oh, and P.S., my husband is overweight, so I know about that concern. It is difficult, but my pointing it out sure as heck isn't going to help! I'm loving my husband for the long run, and right now is a time of life where managing our own physical fitness is really hard, and I'm not going to hold that against him.

I'm the 10:29 poster and I agree that only a salad is not the way to go while breastfeeding - I breastfed my child for 3 years, no formula. She needs to eat low carb, lots of good fats and protein.

[Anonymous]

If she is cool with bringing leftovers then make enough to ensure that she can bring in leftovers. Since you do the shopping, make sure that she has some healthy snacks - fresh fruit/veggies/string cheese to bring to work too. Even tuna mixed with a little mayo in a tupperware.

Honestly, it sounds as though she is just eating whatever is the easiest thing to grab. She doesn't really sound like a "foodie" or a glutton. She just isn't putting any energy into thinking about what she's eating. 10 to 1 she has plenty on her "plate" already and just doesn't want to deal with meal planning at all.