When the wife tells you (female friend) to stay away from her husband

[Anonymous]

Op was friends with this man before he got married. They remained friends--and only friends--after the marriage until such time that her friends wife informed him that the friendship had to end. Prior to this time, she showed completely unstable and controlling actions and attitude toward her husband (even going so far as to make him take a picture of op's husband to proof op was not alone with her spouse). The woman is a controlling nut job. Her craziness is not op's fault. Of course, op should honor her friends request to end the friendship because of his crazy wife, but in no way is op at fault here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your relationship with him was inappropriate.

Move on.

I disagree, but since they've decided to nix the friendship, not a lot you can do. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you never were a friend of the couple, the family. Mostly structural given your history. Too late to fix it.

This is OP. I agree. At one point she required to be FB friends with all his female friends and so we were. I sent her a message congratulating on the wedding and inviting them to drive up some day to stay with us and see DC. She didn't respond and about two days later asked him to take down his profile. The day we met at the airport, she required him to give the phone to my husband - he thought she was craaaaaazy - to prove he was really there. I am going to stay away though. Good advice. I'm sure he'll let me know if they ever split up and we can be friends again then.

That is extremely controlling and if you were talking about a man doing this, everyone would be screaming. For now I would honor (her) his wishes but be there for him when the relationship implodes.

Yeah. This is a "when," not an "if."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why people are criticizing OP. I assume it's because they don't have any male friends. But I do and I don't want to sleep with them.

The wife is abusive and crazy. "Trying to hold her family together"??? What on earth does that mean? If someone is going to cheat, you cannot stop them by micromanagement.

I would back off OP....for your own safety and sanity. Just let your friend know you will always be there for him and fade out for now.

I agree with this. I think that there are a lot of jealous, insecure women on this board.

I have several male friends I've had since college and since I started out in my career. I happen to be an engineer so I am surrounded by mean, and I have made friends with some of them.

One of my male friends/colleagues was one such good friend. I say was, because since he got married his jealous and controlling wife had told him to stop being friends with me. I didn't realize it, but he was pretty much sneaking around to have lunch with me. Our relationship was never inappropriate, we have never done anything physical, and over the many years we've been friends, I've usually had a boyfriend.

OP sounds like she's going through something similar. OP - there's nothing you can do in this situation. Obviously don't seem him out now. But eventually he will man up, dump that crazy bitch, and reach out to you - be his friend when that time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why people are criticizing OP. I assume it's because they don't have any male friends. But I do and I don't want to sleep with them.

The wife is abusive and crazy. "Trying to hold her family together"??? What on earth does that mean? If someone is going to cheat, you cannot stop them by micromanagement.

I would back off OP....for your own safety and sanity. Just let your friend know you will always be there for him and fade out for now.

I agree with this. I think that there are a lot of jealous, insecure women on this board.

I have several male friends I've had since college and since I started out in my career. I happen to be an engineer so I am surrounded by mean, and I have made friends with some of them.

One of my male friends/colleagues was one such good friend. I say was, because since he got married his jealous and controlling wife had told him to stop being friends with me. I didn't realize it, but he was pretty much sneaking around to have lunch with me. Our relationship was never inappropriate, we have never done anything physical, and over the many years we've been friends, I've usually had a boyfriend.

OP sounds like she's going through something similar. OP - there's nothing you can do in this situation. Obviously don't seem him out now. But eventually he will man up, dump that crazy bitch, and reach out to you - be his friend when that time comes.

No, wife trumps female friends from the past. Always. Unless you have managed to become close personal friends with the wife, just begone with you.

[Anonymous]

I am a female who had almost exclusively male friends in my early 20s. Those friends slowly married off and either I faded myself out, or I became friends with the couple (obviously this effort started when they were dating and I knew she was important to him). I am incredibly cautious with messages between myself and my male friends in case things could be taken wrong. When I go home to visit I invite all of my friends and their spouses to join me for dinner. Most of these trips my DH is with me as well. Your job as a friend is to support your friend in his decisions. Your friend chose to stay with his wife and children. You need to respect that. If he needs to detach from you in order to fully focus on that, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why people are criticizing OP. I assume it's because they don't have any male friends. But I do and I don't want to sleep with them.

The wife is abusive and crazy. "Trying to hold her family together"??? What on earth does that mean? If someone is going to cheat, you cannot stop them by micromanagement.

I would back off OP....for your own safety and sanity. Just let your friend know you will always be there for him and fade out for now.

I agree with this. I think that there are a lot of jealous, insecure women on this board.

I have several male friends I've had since college and since I started out in my career. I happen to be an engineer so I am surrounded by mean, and I have made friends with some of them.

One of my male friends/colleagues was one such good friend. I say was, because since he got married his jealous and controlling wife had told him to stop being friends with me. I didn't realize it, but he was pretty much sneaking around to have lunch with me. Our relationship was never inappropriate, we have never done anything physical, and over the many years we've been friends, I've usually had a boyfriend.

OP sounds like she's going through something similar. OP - there's nothing you can do in this situation. Obviously don't seem him out now. But eventually he will man up, dump that crazy bitch, and reach out to you - be his friend when that time comes.

No, wife trumps female friends from the past. Always. Unless you have managed to become close personal friends with the wife, just begone with you.

Healthy, stable relationships do not require EITHER partner to choose between their spouse and their friends.

I do not understand the people suggesting that the OP is doing anything untoward in this situation. It sounds like she tried to be a friend of the marriage, has steered clear of dangerous subjects to the best of her ability and has also complied with the crazy demands of this woman. I would never in a million years make my husband talk to the crazy wife/girlfriend of one of my male friends. If we were in that situation, I would say, "Paul, I will always consider you a friend, but I cannot be part of this situation and will not disrespect my husband by bringing him into her drama. If your situation changes, you know how to find us."

I do think that it's highly likely that the friend in this situation is the one with inappropriate boundaries. Not to mention that he is actively lying to his wife. He will get caught, and it really will not matter if he is lying about going to poker night with a male friend she doesn't approve of or banging a hooker on the hood of a car. She will be furious either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why people are criticizing OP. I assume it's because they don't have any male friends. But I do and I don't want to sleep with them.

The wife is abusive and crazy. "Trying to hold her family together"??? What on earth does that mean? If someone is going to cheat, you cannot stop them by micromanagement.

I would back off OP....for your own safety and sanity. Just let your friend know you will always be there for him and fade out for now.

I agree with this. I think that there are a lot of jealous, insecure women on this board.

I have several male friends I've had since college and since I started out in my career. I happen to be an engineer so I am surrounded by mean, and I have made friends with some of them.

One of my male friends/colleagues was one such good friend. I say was, because since he got married his jealous and controlling wife had told him to stop being friends with me. I didn't realize it, but he was pretty much sneaking around to have lunch with me. Our relationship was never inappropriate, we have never done anything physical, and over the many years we've been friends, I've usually had a boyfriend.

OP sounds like she's going through something similar. OP - there's nothing you can do in this situation. Obviously don't seem him out now. But eventually he will man up, dump that crazy bitch, and reach out to you - be his friend when that time comes.

No, wife trumps female friends from the past. Always. Unless you have managed to become close personal friends with the wife, just begone with you.

Healthy, stable relationships do not require EITHER partner to choose between their spouse and their friends.

I do not understand the people suggesting that the OP is doing anything untoward in this situation. It sounds like she tried to be a friend of the marriage, has steered clear of dangerous subjects to the best of her ability and has also complied with the crazy demands of this woman. I would never in a million years make my husband talk to the crazy wife/girlfriend of one of my male friends. If we were in that situation, I would say, "Paul, I will always consider you a friend, but I cannot be part of this situation and will not disrespect my husband by bringing him into her drama. If your situation changes, you know how to find us."

I do think that it's highly likely that the friend in this situation is the one with inappropriate boundaries. Not to mention that he is actively lying to his wife. He will get caught, and it really will not matter if he is lying about going to poker night with a male friend she doesn't approve of or banging a hooker on the hood of a car. She will be furious either way.

I'm just happy to see there are a few sane people left around here. The friend's wife is a fucking loon. The friend might be an asshole who has inappropriate relationships with other women, but not the OP. OP has done nothing wrong. It's bizarre to expect that someone should purge old friends just because of marriage.

I couldn't be married to someone who treated me like that and didn't trust me -- but Id gtfo of the marriage and not bait the crazy by sneaking around and putting others in awkward situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a female who had almost exclusively male friends in my early 20s. Those friends slowly married off and either I faded myself out, or I became friends with the couple (obviously this effort started when they were dating and I knew she was important to him). I am incredibly cautious with messages between myself and my male friends in case things could be taken wrong. When I go home to visit I invite all of my friends and their spouses to join me for dinner. Most of these trips my DH is with me as well. Your job as a friend is to support your friend in his decisions. Your friend chose to stay with his wife and children. You need to respect that. If he needs to detach from you in order to fully focus on that, so be it.

This x 1000

If you haven't successfully impressed the wife enough for her to accept you wholeheartedly as a friend, your time is effectively up as the man's friend. Anyone with a grain of intelligence (or emotional intelligence) knows this and to expect any different is simply foolish and naive.

[Anonymous]

I also have a best friend of 25+ years. I lost contact for a while when married because my exDH wasn't completely happy with our friendship. Nothing had ever happened between us. Forward a decade later and my ex left me to be with someone else. My best friend resurfaced and he has been crucial in my emotional well being after my divorce. We have now realized how solid our friendship is and how we won't let others get in the way of that again. I get along with his new wife and are very friendly, he gets along with new SO and they're friendly. We will never be best friends with each other SOs, but they have been understanding of how important our friendship is to each other.

I would say give him space and don't call. But take his call when he does because he will need you. Sometimes friendships last longer than marriages and he will need someone that knows him well when his marriage implodes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Healthy, stable relationships do not require EITHER partner to choose between their spouse and their friends.

I do not understand the people suggesting that the OP is doing anything untoward in this situation. It sounds like she tried to be a friend of the marriage, has steered clear of dangerous subjects to the best of her ability and has also complied with the crazy demands of this woman. I would never in a million years make my husband talk to the crazy wife/girlfriend of one of my male friends. If we were in that situation, I would say, "Paul, I will always consider you a friend, but I cannot be part of this situation and will not disrespect my husband by bringing him into her drama. If your situation changes, you know how to find us."

I do think that it's highly likely that the friend in this situation is the one with inappropriate boundaries. Not to mention that he is actively lying to his wife. He will get caught, and it really will not matter if he is lying about going to poker night with a male friend she doesn't approve of or banging a hooker on the hood of a car. She will be furious either way.

I'm just happy to see there are a few sane people left around here. The friend's wife is a fucking loon. The friend might be an asshole who has inappropriate relationships with other women, but not the OP. OP has done nothing wrong. It's bizarre to expect that someone should purge old friends just because of marriage.

I couldn't be married to someone who treated me like that and didn't trust me -- but Id gtfo of the marriage and not bait the crazy by sneaking around and putting others in awkward situations.

PP here. I completely agree.

A good friend of mine (Jack) has some serious insecurity issues vis-a-vis his wife (Jane) socializing without him. They now have an agreement that they will not do "girls night" or "boys night." They will only do things out, together. This apparently includes either of them going out after work with colleagues. They have an open book policy about email and social media as well. As far as I know, this is something that was not motivated by any infidelity on either of their parts (actual or imagined). The open book policy has actually become problematic for me personally because I reached out to Jane for support with an issue I was having in my marriage (Jack and my husband are similar and have similar issues), and Jack got upset with both Jane AND me for that conversation, to the point where his anger resulted in her canceling a brunch date we had (this was pre-no solo socializing). The irony is that Jack was my friend first (since like 2002). He has been married to Jane since sometime in 2006. I met her for the first time in 2008 and went out of my way to become a friend of the marriage. The last time I saw Jack, Jane wasn't there. He and I had lunch alone, which was not a problem for him at all.

[Anonymous]

They sound like a couple of nutbags and he seems like a loser. You're better off, OP.

Do they have a shared FB account? Like one called John-Jane Smith? Red flag, just write those types off.

[Anonymous]

Do nothing. You don't want to get pulled into being a part of whatever problems they are having.

Block him on FB, block his number. If he emails you, respond, "out of respect for your wife's wishes, as long as you are married, I can't be in contact with you".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your relationship with him was inappropriate.

Move on.

+1

You knew what you were doing

So true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why people are criticizing OP. I assume it's because they don't have any male friends. But I do and I don't want to sleep with them.

The wife is abusive and crazy. "Trying to hold her family together"??? What on earth does that mean? If someone is going to cheat, you cannot stop them by micromanagement.

I would back off OP....for your own safety and sanity. Just let your friend know you will always be there for him and fade out for now.

I agree with this. I think that there are a lot of jealous, insecure women on this board.

I have several male friends I've had since college and since I started out in my career. I happen to be an engineer so I am surrounded by mean, and I have made friends with some of them.

One of my male friends/colleagues was one such good friend. I say was, because since he got married his jealous and controlling wife had told him to stop being friends with me. I didn't realize it, but he was pretty much sneaking around to have lunch with me. Our relationship was never inappropriate, we have never done anything physical, and over the many years we've been friends, I've usually had a boyfriend.

OP sounds like she's going through something similar. OP - there's nothing you can do in this situation. Obviously don't seem him out now. But eventually he will man up, dump that crazy bitch, and reach out to you - be his friend when that time comes.

No, wife trumps female friends from the past. Always. Unless you have managed to become close personal friends with the wife, just begone with you.

Nope. I'm with a guy who has female friends that pre-date my existence in his life, have similar male friends in mine, and because we are secure in our relationship and are not abusive or crazy, we are OK with this. We haven't met all the friends in person (because some of them live in other places), but we don't actually care.