When the wife tells you (female friend) to stay away from her husband

[Anonymous]

I've had this male friend for about 17 years. When we first met, we went on a few dates but we didn't live in the same city and we mutually decided that we weren't feeling enough sparks to start a relationship and since then our entire relationship has been via phone. He came to my wedding 11 years ago and once my husband and I had a layover in his city and he came to the airport and we had lunch. Those are the last two times I laid eyes on him. I'm happily married but he is not. He eloped maybe 5-6 years ago and he has 3 kids. It's one of those relationships that looked like a train wreck - he was about to break up with her but that day found out she was pregnant, ended up doing the "right thing" and has seemingly hated it all along. He used to complain a lot about his wife, that she was jealous and controlling and wouldn't let him have any female friends and also not very many male friends. He wasn't supposed to have lunch with female colleagues. She's very religious, he's not, etc. It's unfortunate because he's very outgoing and gregarious and she's a homebody. He would complain about these things and my response was generally that he should leave, or he should accede to her wishes, or he should tell her where he won't and let her decide whether to stay or go. At the time, he said that she said I was ok because we were never in physical contact. At some point several years ago he told me he was going to make a decision to be happy and stop complaining. He pretty much never mentioned, or at least never complained about, her again. Our conversations - maybe twice a month - are usually about politics, current events, things like that. Neither of us has ever been inappropriate, flirty, nothing. The conversations are not particularly important to me, but i can tell they are to him. Until recently, he's been one of the long time unemployed, plus with the kids and his forced small social circle, I think he's lonely. A few days ago he called and said he was on his way to lunch with a female colleague. I made a little joke - didn't your wife say that wasn't allowed - and he said that he decided he was going to do what he wanted, secretly, and as long as he was not cheating he had decided that he wasn't going to give in to unreasonable demands. I said "that's going to end badly", but his lunch appointment arrived and he hung up. Today he called and said that he and his wife had been discussing it and he had decided that our friendship was over and we were not to communicate anymore. I said ok, but if you change your mind, you know where to call me and good luck. A few minutes later I got a text from the wife saying he was not going to change his mind and I was never to speak to him again. I responded that i understood and good luck with his family. Finally, my question:...I know he's going to call me at some point. Do I hang up? I figure he's pretty much alone but it's not really my problem and I don't want any drama.

[Anonymous]

Maybe one day he'll grow a pair of balls and man up. Until then.........

[Anonymous]

Your relationship with him was inappropriate.

Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your relationship with him was inappropriate.

Move on.

+1

You knew what you were doing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your relationship with him was inappropriate.

Move on.

+1

You knew what you were doing

What exactly was she doing that was inappropriate?

[Anonymous]

OP, just don't be available to take his calls. Don't return his calls or emails. Whatever you think of his wife, he chose her and until he leaves her, she deserves for other women to stay out of her relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had this male friend for about 17 years. When we first met, we went on a few dates but we didn't live in the same city and we mutually decided that we weren't feeling enough sparks to start a relationship and since then our entire relationship has been via phone. He came to my wedding 11 years ago and once my husband and I had a layover in his city and he came to the airport and we had lunch. Those are the last two times I laid eyes on him. I'm happily married but he is not. He eloped maybe 5-6 years ago and he has 3 kids. It's one of those relationships that looked like a train wreck - he was about to break up with her but that day found out she was pregnant, ended up doing the "right thing" and has seemingly hated it all along. He used to complain a lot about his wife, that she was jealous and controlling and wouldn't let him have any female friends and also not very many male friends. He wasn't supposed to have lunch with female colleagues. She's very religious, he's not, etc. It's unfortunate because he's very outgoing and gregarious and she's a homebody. He would complain about these things and my response was generally that he should leave, or he should accede to her wishes, or he should tell her where he won't and let her decide whether to stay or go. At the time, he said that she said I was ok because we were never in physical contact. At some point several years ago he told me he was going to make a decision to be happy and stop complaining. He pretty much never mentioned, or at least never complained about, her again. Our conversations - maybe twice a month - are usually about politics, current events, things like that. Neither of us has ever been inappropriate, flirty, nothing. The conversations are not particularly important to me, but i can tell they are to him. Until recently, he's been one of the long time unemployed, plus with the kids and his forced small social circle, I think he's lonely. A few days ago he called and said he was on his way to lunch with a female colleague. I made a little joke - didn't your wife say that wasn't allowed - and he said that he decided he was going to do what he wanted, secretly, and as long as he was not cheating he had decided that he wasn't going to give in to unreasonable demands. I said "that's going to end badly", but his lunch appointment arrived and he hung up. Today he called and said that he and his wife had been discussing it and he had decided that our friendship was over and we were not to communicate anymore. I said ok, but if you change your mind, you know where to call me and good luck. A few minutes later I got a text from the wife saying he was not going to change his mind and I was never to speak to him again. I responded that i understood and good luck with his family. Finally, my question:...I know he's going to call me at some point. Do I hang up? I figure he's pretty much alone but it's not really my problem and I don't want any drama.

Boundaries.

Paragraphs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your relationship with him was inappropriate.

Move on.

+1

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you never were a friend of the couple, the family. Mostly structural given your history. Too late to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had this male friend for about 17 years. When we first met, we went on a few dates but we didn't live in the same city and we mutually decided that we weren't feeling enough sparks to start a relationship and since then our entire relationship has been via phone. He came to my wedding 11 years ago and once my husband and I had a layover in his city and he came to the airport and we had lunch. Those are the last two times I laid eyes on him. I'm happily married but he is not. He eloped maybe 5-6 years ago and he has 3 kids. It's one of those relationships that looked like a train wreck - he was about to break up with her but that day found out she was pregnant, ended up doing the "right thing" and has seemingly hated it all along. He used to complain a lot about his wife, that she was jealous and controlling and wouldn't let him have any female friends and also not very many male friends. He wasn't supposed to have lunch with female colleagues. She's very religious, he's not, etc. It's unfortunate because he's very outgoing and gregarious and she's a homebody. He would complain about these things and my response was generally that he should leave, or he should accede to her wishes, or he should tell her where he won't and let her decide whether to stay or go. At the time, he said that she said I was ok because we were never in physical contact. At some point several years ago he told me he was going to make a decision to be happy and stop complaining. He pretty much never mentioned, or at least never complained about, her again. Our conversations - maybe twice a month - are usually about politics, current events, things like that. Neither of us has ever been inappropriate, flirty, nothing. The conversations are not particularly important to me, but i can tell they are to him. Until recently, he's been one of the long time unemployed, plus with the kids and his forced small social circle, I think he's lonely. A few days ago he called and said he was on his way to lunch with a female colleague. I made a little joke - didn't your wife say that wasn't allowed - and he said that he decided he was going to do what he wanted, secretly, and as long as he was not cheating he had decided that he wasn't going to give in to unreasonable demands. I said "that's going to end badly", but his lunch appointment arrived and he hung up. Today he called and said that he and his wife had been discussing it and he had decided that our friendship was over and we were not to communicate anymore. I said ok, but if you change your mind, you know where to call me and good luck. A few minutes later I got a text from the wife saying he was not going to change his mind and I was never to speak to him again. I responded that i understood and good luck with his family. Finally, my question:...I know he's going to call me at some point. Do I hang up? I figure he's pretty much alone but it's not really my problem and I don't want any drama.

Stay away! Men will do this especially when there are issues in the marriage. The best thing you can do is to keep him at arms length. Once the marriage has dissolved on its own then resume the relationship. I don't deal with married men. It gets too iffy and they will test the waters eventually. Last thing you want is to be accused of being a home wrecker. Put everything on hold until he is in control of his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you never were a friend of the couple, the family. Mostly structural given your history. Too late to fix it.

This is OP. I agree. At one point she required to be FB friends with all his female friends and so we were. I sent her a message congratulating on the wedding and inviting them to drive up some day to stay with us and see DC. She didn't respond and about two days later asked him to take down his profile. The day we met at the airport, she required him to give the phone to my husband - he thought she was craaaaaazy - to prove he was really there. I am going to stay away though. Good advice. I'm sure he'll let me know if they ever split up and we can be friends again then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you never were a friend of the couple, the family. Mostly structural given your history. Too late to fix it.

This is OP. I agree. At one point she required to be FB friends with all his female friends and so we were. I sent her a message congratulating on the wedding and inviting them to drive up some day to stay with us and see DC. She didn't respond and about two days later asked him to take down his profile. The day we met at the airport, she required him to give the phone to my husband - he thought she was craaaaaazy - to prove he was really there. I am going to stay away though. Good advice. I'm sure he'll let me know if they ever split up and we can be friends again then.

That is extremely controlling and if you were talking about a man doing this, everyone would be screaming. For now I would honor (her) his wishes but be there for him when the relationship implodes.

[Anonymous]

She sounds totally insane.

[Anonymous]

The wife sounds nutso and OP has done nothing wrong. Id give the friend a wide berth until his wife is out of the picture -- that level of crazy drama is never worth it.

[Anonymous]

He's not into her, and she knows it, and it is making her insecure and jealous.

But the fact that he was feeding this jealousy by remaining friends with female friends who made snarky comments about his wife (see your original post) makes him kind of an asshole.

Stay away from this situation.