When the wife tells you (female friend) to stay away from her husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why people are criticizing OP. I assume it's because they don't have any male friends. But I do and I don't want to sleep with them.

The wife is abusive and crazy. "Trying to hold her family together"??? What on earth does that mean? If someone is going to cheat, you cannot stop them by micromanagement.

I would back off OP....for your own safety and sanity. Just let your friend know you will always be there for him and fade out for now.

+1 if the sexes were reversed, people would be going bat shit over how abusive the friend's spouse is. None of this is op's fault. She needs to step back as requested by her friend, but she is not responsible for his messed up marriage or crazy, controlling wife.

I don't know about your planet, but men on this planet abuse, rape, and kill women far more than women do men, so yeah, we look at controlling, isolating behavior from men toward women a bit differently. More often, women trying to control men are dealing with dog-men who won't really commit or act trustworthy. This guy is not going to admit to you that he's cheated or tried to cheat, and that's why his wife checks up on him. He's going to paint her as controlling and himself as innocent victim. Obviously his wife doesn't have much self-esteem, but maybe she's desperate and figures the kids will be better off if he's around to help support them etc.

But in any case, whether we think the wife is crazy and controlling or we think the husband is sketchy, everyone agrees OP should back away.

[Anonymous]

Wife seems crazy but you won't be able to fix it. He doesn't seem in immediate danger..

[Anonymous]

She's crazy.

He's henpecked.

Disengage unless and until you hear from him that he is divorced.

[Anonymous]

Your friend accidentally got this woman pregnant and decided the right thing to do was marry her. Fine. But then he proceed to have TWO MORE children with her!!! It's his own damn fault that he's so enmeshed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend accidentally got this woman pregnant and decided the right thing to do was marry her. Fine. But then he proceed to have TWO MORE children with her!!! It's his own damn fault that he's so enmeshed.

And I'll bet they are only a year or two apart too. Poor guy must be accident prone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friendship preceded their relationship and his wife sounds insane. Your friend may need your friendship later. He needs it now but he may really need it later. If he calls, take the call. Fuck that wife texting, cause your relationship is not with her it is with him and you two are not inappropriate. Talking about politics, jobs etc with a friend is not inappropriate.

I say this from the perspective of having a BFF that is a guy who is married and I am not friends with his wife andhe is not friends with my husband, and we talk/text/IM all of the time about all kinds of things, but we have not crossed any inapprop line and I have known him for half of my life so if he said he thought it best we didn't talk because his wife was uncomfortable, I would leave it be but if his wife texted me saying that, I would ignore her because HE is my friend and he is a grown man, not a child. If after he said we needed to part ways for the sake of his marriage he needed me and reached out, I am not going to let this woman I don't know and have no relationship with trump our 20-plus-year friendship. I am taking the call. I have another good friend that is a guy who is married and I have never met his wife and we talk about all kinds of things, too. My husband knows about this man, too. Men and women can and do conduct friendships without them being inappropriate.

+10000

This poster nailed it.

If you don't have trust, you don't have a relationship, plain and simple. It is not a bad thing to get advice from both sexes, regardless of martial status. I will say that too much contact can be a problem, but take it from someone that has several married female friends that go back to childhood, the friendship can work. There are several times where I have met one at a cheap restaurant or Starbucks, somewhere public, and somewhere that nothing more will get read into it other than catching up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend accidentally got this woman pregnant and decided the right thing to do was marry her. Fine. But then he proceed to have TWO MORE children with her!!! It's his own damn fault that he's so enmeshed.

And I'll bet they are only a year or two apart too. Poor guy must be accident prone.

We are way far afield here, because I'm going to take the advice I received. But as his friend, I thought the same thing! And, he'd been struggling financially the whole time too. It never made logical sense. He'd gotten to his forties without kids and didn't seem to mind then it was like one every 18 months under bad circumstances. I've never thought he was in physical danger, but could never really understand his motivation. Maybe insecurity and depression from going years looking for work? He's working now though. Maybe he's exaggerated for sympathy, but I know first hand that he's respectful with me and I know about the FB/airport thing first hand. The kicker is that his wife is gorgeous, really beautiful.

[Anonymous]

That woman is crazy. Even if OP's friend was a serial cheater, that woman's behavior is insane. If she's so distrustful of her husband, she needs to do herself a favor and get out of the marriage. If the wife of one of my male friends required me to take a picture of me with my DH to prove we were real, I would have complied but then told my friend that I was keeping my distance until he was out of that relationship. I've worked hard to keep the crazy out of my life and won't willingly allow it back in. Be distant, OP, but available when the relationship ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friendship preceded their relationship and his wife sounds insane. Your friend may need your friendship later. He needs it now but he may really need it later. If he calls, take the call. Fuck that wife texting, cause your relationship is not with her it is with him and you two are not inappropriate. Talking about politics, jobs etc with a friend is not inappropriate.

I say this from the perspective of having a BFF that is a guy who is married and I am not friends with his wife andhe is not friends with my husband, and we talk/text/IM all of the time about all kinds of things, but we have not crossed any inapprop line and I have known him for half of my life so if he said he thought it best we didn't talk because his wife was uncomfortable, I would leave it be but if his wife texted me saying that, I would ignore her because HE is my friend and he is a grown man, not a child. If after he said we needed to part ways for the sake of his marriage he needed me and reached out, I am not going to let this woman I don't know and have no relationship with trump our 20-plus-year friendship. I am taking the call. I have another good friend that is a guy who is married and I have never met his wife and we talk about all kinds of things, too. My husband knows about this man, too. Men and women can and do conduct friendships without them being inappropriate.

+10000

All of this! Fuck his crazy wife. Hopefully he'll leave soon because no one deserves to be treated that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend accidentally got this woman pregnant and decided the right thing to do was marry her. Fine. But then he proceed to have TWO MORE children with her!!! It's his own damn fault that he's so enmeshed.

And I'll bet they are only a year or two apart too. Poor guy must be accident prone.

We are way far afield here, because I'm going to take the advice I received. But as his friend, I thought the same thing! And, he'd been struggling financially the whole time too. It never made logical sense. He'd gotten to his forties without kids and didn't seem to mind then it was like one every 18 months under bad circumstances. I've never thought he was in physical danger, but could never really understand his motivation. Maybe insecurity and depression from going years looking for work? He's working now though. Maybe he's exaggerated for sympathy, but I know first hand that he's respectful with me and I know about the FB/airport thing first hand. The kicker is that his wife is gorgeous, really beautiful.

I was going to guess that the wife was very beautiful! He is using her for her good genes to pass along to his children. But he doesn't love her, and she knows it.

[Anonymous]

OP you know, this guy's relationship with his wife is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Leave them the fuck alone.

[Anonymous]

I have not read the whole thread but...if the wife tells you to stay away from her husband then you do that.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the whole thread but...if the wife tells you to stay away from her husband then you do that.

That's right. And if I tell folks to stay away from my wife, they had better listen.

[Anonymous]

+1 for boundaries and paragraphs.