When the wife tells you (female friend) to stay away from her husband

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem appropriate for him to be calling another woman to vent about his wife. I would tell him to put more effort into his marriage and leave you out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had this male friend for about 17 years. When we first met, we went on a few dates but we didn't live in the same city and we mutually decided that we weren't feeling enough sparks to start a relationship and since then our entire relationship has been via phone. He came to my wedding 11 years ago and once my husband and I had a layover in his city and he came to the airport and we had lunch. Those are the last two times I laid eyes on him. I'm happily married but he is not. He eloped maybe 5-6 years ago and he has 3 kids. It's one of those relationships that looked like a train wreck - he was about to break up with her but that day found out she was pregnant, ended up doing the "right thing" and has seemingly hated it all along. He used to complain a lot about his wife, that she was jealous and controlling and wouldn't let him have any female friends and also not very many male friends. He wasn't supposed to have lunch with female colleagues. She's very religious, he's not, etc. It's unfortunate because he's very outgoing and gregarious and she's a homebody. He would complain about these things and my response was generally that he should leave, or he should accede to her wishes, or he should tell her where he won't and let her decide whether to stay or go. At the time, he said that she said I was ok because we were never in physical contact. At some point several years ago he told me he was going to make a decision to be happy and stop complaining. He pretty much never mentioned, or at least never complained about, her again. Our conversations - maybe twice a month - are usually about politics, current events, things like that. Neither of us has ever been inappropriate, flirty, nothing. The conversations are not particularly important to me, but i can tell they are to him. Until recently, he's been one of the long time unemployed, plus with the kids and his forced small social circle, I think he's lonely. A few days ago he called and said he was on his way to lunch with a female colleague. I made a little joke - didn't your wife say that wasn't allowed - and he said that he decided he was going to do what he wanted, secretly, and as long as he was not cheating he had decided that he wasn't going to give in to unreasonable demands. I said "that's going to end badly", but his lunch appointment arrived and he hung up. Today he called and said that he and his wife had been discussing it and he had decided that our friendship was over and we were not to communicate anymore. I said ok, but if you change your mind, you know where to call me and good luck. A few minutes later I got a text from the wife saying he was not going to change his mind and I was never to speak to him again. I responded that i understood and good luck with his family. Finally, my question:...I know he's going to call me at some point. Do I hang up? I figure he's pretty much alone but it's not really my problem and I don't want any drama.

Boundaries.

Paragraphs.

THIS is a very interesting possible insight by PP. No boundaries/no paragraphs…is it related?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't seem appropriate for him to be calling another woman to vent about his wife. I would tell him to put more effort into his marriage and leave you out of it.

This.

[Anonymous]

Meh, we don't know her side.

As far as OP or any of us know, this guy could have been caught 8 times in 3 years with a woman and his pants around his ankles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, we don't know her side.

As far as OP or any of us know, this guy could have been caught 8 times in 3 years with a woman and his pants around his ankles.

OP here. I've actually wondered once or twice if he'd been caught cheating. Why else put up with all her craziness? He said so it was because he could keep seeing his kids and he didn't have enough money to support them separately. I don't know, maybe that's true but in recent years our conversations stayed away from all of that. Like pp's said, I wasn't crazy about all the negative relationship talk. But at the time I gave it a year! As they stayed together and kept having kids we just backed away from all of that and kept it to our kids, job hunt, stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't seem appropriate for him to be calling another woman to vent about his wife. I would tell him to put more effort into his marriage and leave you out of it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op you NOT a good thing in his life

Not sure how good his life would be without you, but you just make it complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh, we don't know her side.

As far as OP or any of us know, this guy could have been caught 8 times in 3 years with a woman and his pants around his ankles.

Yup! One of two things. She was just a crazy jealous when he met her and still married her or he has been caught cheating and she has not trust. In either case it isn't worth getting involved. Stay far far away! And even if he calls and says they are separated stay away. Only once he is officially divorced would I consider reestablishing a friendship. Even then only with hubby always there. Something isn't right.

[Anonymous]

I have sympathy for that woman's children, and I hope your friend finds a way to take good care of them. It's not about you or him, OP. It's perhaps about staying married for the sake of the kids until he finds a better solution, because evidence of paranoid jealousy won't give him full custody. I'm not sure the kids can be left alone with such a disturbed person, but unless there's a diagnosis or physical threats the court to the kids the judge won't see it that way.

I would answer his calls, just so that you can drive that point home - his children's wellbeing are his first priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've had this male friend for about 17 years. When we first met, we went on a few dates but we didn't live in the same city and we mutually decided that we weren't feeling enough sparks to start a relationship and since then our entire relationship has been via phone. He came to my wedding 11 years ago and once my husband and I had a layover in his city and he came to the airport and we had lunch. Those are the last two times I laid eyes on him. I'm happily married but he is not. He eloped maybe 5-6 years ago and he has 3 kids. It's one of those relationships that looked like a train wreck - he was about to break up with her but that day found out she was pregnant, ended up doing the "right thing" and has seemingly hated it all along. He used to complain a lot about his wife, that she was jealous and controlling and wouldn't let him have any female friends and also not very many male friends. He wasn't supposed to have lunch with female colleagues. She's very religious, he's not, etc. It's unfortunate because he's very outgoing and gregarious and she's a homebody. He would complain about these things and my response was generally that he should leave, or he should accede to her wishes, or he should tell her where he won't and let her decide whether to stay or go. At the time, he said that she said I was ok because we were never in physical contact. At some point several years ago he told me he was going to make a decision to be happy and stop complaining. He pretty much never mentioned, or at least never complained about, her again. Our conversations - maybe twice a month - are usually about politics, current events, things like that. Neither of us has ever been inappropriate, flirty, nothing. The conversations are not particularly important to me, but i can tell they are to him. Until recently, he's been one of the long time unemployed, plus with the kids and his forced small social circle, I think he's lonely. A few days ago he called and said he was on his way to lunch with a female colleague. I made a little joke - didn't your wife say that wasn't allowed - and he said that he decided he was going to do what he wanted, secretly, and as long as he was not cheating he had decided that he wasn't going to give in to unreasonable demands. I said "that's going to end badly", but his lunch appointment arrived and he hung up. Today he called and said that he and his wife had been discussing it and he had decided that our friendship was over and we were not to communicate anymore. I said ok, but if you change your mind, you know where to call me and good luck. A few minutes later I got a text from the wife saying he was not going to change his mind and I was never to speak to him again. I responded that i understood and good luck with his family. Finally, my question:...I know he's going to call me at some point. Do I hang up? I figure he's pretty much alone but it's not really my problem and I don't want any drama.

Boundaries.

Paragraphs.

+1,000

OP, stay away from this family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh, we don't know her side.

As far as OP or any of us know, this guy could have been caught 8 times in 3 years with a woman and his pants around his ankles.

OP here. I've actually wondered once or twice if he'd been caught cheating. Why else put up with all her craziness? He said so it was because he could keep seeing his kids and he didn't have enough money to support them separately. I don't know, maybe that's true but in recent years our conversations stayed away from all of that. Like pp's said, I wasn't crazy about all the negative relationship talk. But at the time I gave it a year! As they stayed together and kept having kids we just backed away from all of that and kept it to our kids, job hunt, stuff like that.

OP, you're creepy and crazy. Why do you care about all of this???

Get a life and leave them alone.

[Anonymous]

Why was he having unprotected sex 2 weeks prior to wanting out? Sorry but he's no victim.

[Anonymous]

Your friendship preceded their relationship and his wife sounds insane. Your friend may need your friendship later. He needs it now but he may really need it later. If he calls, take the call. Fuck that wife texting, cause your relationship is not with her it is with him and you two are not inappropriate. Talking about politics, jobs etc with a friend is not inappropriate.

I say this from the perspective of having a BFF that is a guy who is married and I am not friends with his wife andhe is not friends with my husband, and we talk/text/IM all of the time about all kinds of things, but we have not crossed any inapprop line and I have known him for half of my life so if he said he thought it best we didn't talk because his wife was uncomfortable, I would leave it be but if his wife texted me saying that, I would ignore her because HE is my friend and he is a grown man, not a child. If after he said we needed to part ways for the sake of his marriage he needed me and reached out, I am not going to let this woman I don't know and have no relationship with trump our 20-plus-year friendship. I am taking the call. I have another good friend that is a guy who is married and I have never met his wife and we talk about all kinds of things, too. My husband knows about this man, too. Men and women can and do conduct friendships without them being inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friendship preceded their relationship and his wife sounds insane. Your friend may need your friendship later. He needs it now but he may really need it later. If he calls, take the call. Fuck that wife texting, cause your relationship is not with her it is with him and you two are not inappropriate. Talking about politics, jobs etc with a friend is not inappropriate.

I say this from the perspective of having a BFF that is a guy who is married and I am not friends with his wife andhe is not friends with my husband, and we talk/text/IM all of the time about all kinds of things, but we have not crossed any inapprop line and I have known him for half of my life so if he said he thought it best we didn't talk because his wife was uncomfortable, I would leave it be but if his wife texted me saying that, I would ignore her because HE is my friend and he is a grown man, not a child. If after he said we needed to part ways for the sake of his marriage he needed me and reached out, I am not going to let this woman I don't know and have no relationship with trump our 20-plus-year friendship. I am taking the call. I have another good friend that is a guy who is married and I have never met his wife and we talk about all kinds of things, too. My husband knows about this man, too. Men and women can and do conduct friendships without them being inappropriate.

+10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friendship preceded their relationship and his wife sounds insane. Your friend may need your friendship later. He needs it now but he may really need it later. If he calls, take the call. Fuck that wife texting, cause your relationship is not with her it is with him and you two are not inappropriate. Talking about politics, jobs etc with a friend is not inappropriate.

I say this from the perspective of having a BFF that is a guy who is married and I am not friends with his wife andhe is not friends with my husband, and we talk/text/IM all of the time about all kinds of things, but we have not crossed any inapprop line and I have known him for half of my life so if he said he thought it best we didn't talk because his wife was uncomfortable, I would leave it be but if his wife texted me saying that, I would ignore her because HE is my friend and he is a grown man, not a child. If after he said we needed to part ways for the sake of his marriage he needed me and reached out, I am not going to let this woman I don't know and have no relationship with trump our 20-plus-year friendship. I am taking the call. I have another good friend that is a guy who is married and I have never met his wife and we talk about all kinds of things, too. My husband knows about this man, too. Men and women can and do conduct friendships without them being inappropriate.

I agree. If this were a girlfriend of yours instead of a guy friend, I bet people would be advising you to make sure she knows you'll be there for her regardless of what her husband wants. She sounds like she's trying to isolate him from his friends. That's what abusers do. I wouldn't drop a female friend because her DH said she can't talk to me on the phone, and I can't imagine letting a male friend go for that reason either. It's so weird that a spouse would expect that.