When the wife tells you (female friend) to stay away from her husband

[Anonymous]

PP here. She sounds nuts. But we don't know her side of the story. I was married to a cheater. In therapy, the direction we got was that he had to be COMPLETELY transparent. He had to give me full access to FD, phones, emails, etc. If I needed proof of his actions, I was entitled to it - that was the price he had to pay for his philandering.

He used to like to complain about me to his female friends too. Nailed one of them who is now also divorced. I found all the naked pics in a secret email they were sharing (ala Petraeus style).

His marriage is almost certainly doomed. Don't participate in it at all. Let him clean up his own mess.

And if he was gonna dump her before she got pregnant, how did she end up having THREE kids? He has made his own bed.

[Anonymous]

The wife is controlling b/c she knows that her DH isn't that happy. That's obvious.

I personally think you did NOTHING wrong OP. There were no boundaries crossed. People are allowed to have opposite sex friendships. She's panicked about her personal life and taking it out on you.

Personally, I would withdraw and not worry about it. He'll eventually call. But, I'm not sure I'd take it. Wish him well. Tell him you're honoring his request and have a nice life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no idea why people are criticizing OP. I assume it's because they don't have any male friends. But I do and I don't want to sleep with them.

The wife is abusive and crazy. "Trying to hold her family together"??? What on earth does that mean? If someone is going to cheat, you cannot stop them by micromanagement.

I would back off OP....for your own safety and sanity. Just let your friend know you will always be there for him and fade out for now.

I agree with this. I think that there are a lot of jealous, insecure women on this board.

I have several male friends I've had since college and since I started out in my career. I happen to be an engineer so I am surrounded by mean, and I have made friends with some of them.

One of my male friends/colleagues was one such good friend. I say was, because since he got married his jealous and controlling wife had told him to stop being friends with me. I didn't realize it, but he was pretty much sneaking around to have lunch with me. Our relationship was never inappropriate, we have never done anything physical, and over the many years we've been friends, I've usually had a boyfriend.

OP sounds like she's going through something similar. OP - there's nothing you can do in this situation. Obviously don't seem him out now. But eventually he will man up, dump that crazy bitch, and reach out to you - be his friend when that time comes.

No, wife trumps female friends from the past. Always. Unless you have managed to become close personal friends with the wife, just begone with you.

Healthy, stable relationships do not require EITHER partner to choose between their spouse and their friends.

I do not understand the people suggesting that the OP is doing anything untoward in this situation. It sounds like she tried to be a friend of the marriage, has steered clear of dangerous subjects to the best of her ability and has also complied with the crazy demands of this woman. I would never in a million years make my husband talk to the crazy wife/girlfriend of one of my male friends. If we were in that situation, I would say, "Paul, I will always consider you a friend, but I cannot be part of this situation and will not disrespect my husband by bringing him into her drama. If your situation changes, you know how to find us."

I do think that it's highly likely that the friend in this situation is the one with inappropriate boundaries. Not to mention that he is actively lying to his wife. He will get caught, and it really will not matter if he is lying about going to poker night with a male friend she doesn't approve of or banging a hooker on the hood of a car. She will be furious either way.

+1 million. I think it is lunacy that posters are defending a wife who to all appearance is controlling and jealous. Some of you all sound equally unhinged with respect to male-female friendships. The photo of DH and the text are direct evidence of that. I'd suggest to your friend when he calls again to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. She sounds nuts. But we don't know her side of the story. I was married to a cheater. In therapy, the direction we got was that he had to be COMPLETELY transparent. He had to give me full access to FD, phones, emails, etc. If I needed proof of his actions, I was entitled to it - that was the price he had to pay for his philandering.

He used to like to complain about me to his female friends too. Nailed one of them who is now also divorced. I found all the naked pics in a secret email they were sharing (ala Petraeus style).

His marriage is almost certainly doomed. Don't participate in it at all. Let him clean up his own mess.

And if he was gonna dump her before she got pregnant, how did she end up having THREE kids? He has made his own bed.

PP you responded to. Fair enough. We don't know the whole story, and if that's where working it out takes you, hey, so be it. But, like your marriage, this isn't exactly an example of healthy, and I don't think the OP did anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had this male friend for about 17 years. When we first met, we went on a few dates but we didn't live in the same city and we mutually decided that we weren't feeling enough sparks to start a relationship and since then our entire relationship has been via phone. He came to my wedding 11 years ago and once my husband and I had a layover in his city and he came to the airport and we had lunch. Those are the last two times I laid eyes on him. I'm happily married but he is not. He eloped maybe 5-6 years ago and he has 3 kids. It's one of those relationships that looked like a train wreck - he was about to break up with her but that day found out she was pregnant, ended up doing the "right thing" and has seemingly hated it all along. He used to complain a lot about his wife, that she was jealous and controlling and wouldn't let him have any female friends and also not very many male friends. He wasn't supposed to have lunch with female colleagues. She's very religious, he's not, etc. It's unfortunate because he's very outgoing and gregarious and she's a homebody. He would complain about these things and my response was generally that he should leave, or he should accede to her wishes, or he should tell her where he won't and let her decide whether to stay or go. At the time, he said that she said I was ok because we were never in physical contact. At some point several years ago he told me he was going to make a decision to be happy and stop complaining. He pretty much never mentioned, or at least never complained about, her again. Our conversations - maybe twice a month - are usually about politics, current events, things like that. Neither of us has ever been inappropriate, flirty, nothing. The conversations are not particularly important to me, but i can tell they are to him. Until recently, he's been one of the long time unemployed, plus with the kids and his forced small social circle, I think he's lonely. A few days ago he called and said he was on his way to lunch with a female colleague. I made a little joke - didn't your wife say that wasn't allowed - and he said that he decided he was going to do what he wanted, secretly, and as long as he was not cheating he had decided that he wasn't going to give in to unreasonable demands. I said "that's going to end badly", but his lunch appointment arrived and he hung up. Today he called and said that he and his wife had been discussing it and he had decided that our friendship was over and we were not to communicate anymore. I said ok, but if you change your mind, you know where to call me and good luck. A few minutes later I got a text from the wife saying he was not going to change his mind and I was never to speak to him again. I responded that i understood and good luck with his family. Finally, my question:...I know he's going to call me at some point. Do I hang up? I figure he's pretty much alone but it's not really my problem and I don't want any drama.

You're a terrible friend. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

The conversations are not particularly important to me...

You said it yourself OP - so what the hell are you stressing about?