My ex is back 22 years later, claiming I was "the one" - I'm not, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, when you say he flipped out when you rejected him and "in the 3 weeks it has been going on you have responded 5 times" it makes it sound like you've rejected the guy 5 times, so I can see why it would be bewildering. It's hard to tell from what you provided what part was innocent and what part was not.
If you had normal conversations for 3 weeks and than at the end you rejected him with the 5th reply that's fine.
If you rejected him and then over the course of the next 3 weeks you did it again and again , that's a diff story

She rejected him 22 years ago when he proposed and he was an ass about it, it was right in the OP. She said she spoke to him like you normally would when he "reconnected" and then told him twice she wasn't interested.

Yup I considered that possibility as well (Bolded part). If she's already told him twice she's not interested I don't see why a 3rd time is needed unless she wasn't clear the first 2 times. Regardless there's nothing really to discuss anymore. Op knows what she needs to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, when you say he flipped out when you rejected him and "in the 3 weeks it has been going on you have responded 5 times" it makes it sound like you've rejected the guy 5 times, so I can see why it would be bewildering. It's hard to tell from what you provided what part was innocent and what part was not.
If you had normal conversations for 3 weeks and than at the end you rejected him with the 5th reply that's fine.
If you rejected him and then over the course of the next 3 weeks you did it again and again , that's a diff story

OP

I really didn't want to get any more specific than I have. When I say he flipped out when I rejected him, I meant when we broke up 20+ years ago.

He contacted me. I responded.

He asked a question about a mutual friend (my family member). I responded.

He mentioned my life he had "caught up" on over social media, said he missed out, that sometimes he feels I was the one. While in hindsight it was a bit creepy, I responded with a thank you, I'm really happy, my DH is amazing and my best friend etc.

He left a string of crazy messages about my coming out to visit said mutual friend and we could hook up. He then went into the tirade about how my life could have been with him. How our kids would have been etc. I responded with I am happily married, I am not interested

He then left a string of messages about my husband, about how he is better than my husband, again asking for an affair, again talking about soul mates. How he looked up my DHs professional information and he was "no big deal" like he was. I ignored, he escalated. I again said I am not interested, I am married, I've moved on, hes just feeling nostalgic.

He now has my phone number. Voicemails of all of the above. He thinks my DH is keeping me from talking to him, us from meeting up, saying that I can trust him, DH won't find out. I really want him to stop. I want to make it clear he needs to stop. I asked for advice on how to word that.

Right now, he is an ex who is having an episode of some kind. I am not anticipating anything like stalking or worse, as I said I just want to be on the safe side and make this very clear to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, when you say he flipped out when you rejected him and "in the 3 weeks it has been going on you have responded 5 times" it makes it sound like you've rejected the guy 5 times, so I can see why it would be bewildering. It's hard to tell from what you provided what part was innocent and what part was not.
If you had normal conversations for 3 weeks and than at the end you rejected him with the 5th reply that's fine.
If you rejected him and then over the course of the next 3 weeks you did it again and again , that's a diff story

OP

I really didn't want to get any more specific than I have. When I say he flipped out when I rejected him, I meant when we broke up 20+ years ago.

He contacted me. I responded.

He asked a question about a mutual friend (my family member). I responded.

He mentioned my life he had "caught up" on over social media, said he missed out, that sometimes he feels I was the one. While in hindsight it was a bit creepy, I responded with a thank you, I'm really happy, my DH is amazing and my best friend etc.

He left a string of crazy messages about my coming out to visit said mutual friend and we could hook up. He then went into the tirade about how my life could have been with him. How our kids would have been etc. I responded with I am happily married, I am not interested

He then left a string of messages about my husband, about how he is better than my husband, again asking for an affair, again talking about soul mates. How he looked up my DHs professional information and he was "no big deal" like he was. I ignored, he escalated. I again said I am not interested, I am married, I've moved on, hes just feeling nostalgic.

He now has my phone number. Voicemails of all of the above. He thinks my DH is keeping me from talking to him, us from meeting up, saying that I can trust him, DH won't find out. I really want him to stop. I want to make it clear he needs to stop. I asked for advice on how to word that.

Right now, he is an ex who is having an episode of some kind. I am not anticipating anything like stalking or worse, as I said I just want to be on the safe side and make this very clear to him.

You've made it clear. Any contact from you will be seen as encouragement. Block him from your phone (there are apps that help) and ignore him now.

[Anonymous]

I should add that in hindsight all of his messages had an edge if inappropriate and creepiness. That is in hindsight. When I knew him he was a cocky frat boy who knew he'd eventually go pro. Imagine that with a midlife crisis thrown in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, when you say he flipped out when you rejected him and "in the 3 weeks it has been going on you have responded 5 times" it makes it sound like you've rejected the guy 5 times, so I can see why it would be bewildering. It's hard to tell from what you provided what part was innocent and what part was not.
If you had normal conversations for 3 weeks and than at the end you rejected him with the 5th reply that's fine.
If you rejected him and then over the course of the next 3 weeks you did it again and again , that's a diff story

OP

I really didn't want to get any more specific than I have. When I say he flipped out when I rejected him, I meant when we broke up 20+ years ago.

He contacted me. I responded.

He asked a question about a mutual friend (my family member). I responded.

He mentioned my life he had "caught up" on over social media, said he missed out, that sometimes he feels I was the one. While in hindsight it was a bit creepy, I responded with a thank you, I'm really happy, my DH is amazing and my best friend etc.

He left a string of crazy messages about my coming out to visit said mutual friend and we could hook up. He then went into the tirade about how my life could have been with him. How our kids would have been etc. I responded with I am happily married, I am not interested

He then left a string of messages about my husband, about how he is better than my husband, again asking for an affair, again talking about soul mates. How he looked up my DHs professional information and he was "no big deal" like he was. I ignored, he escalated. I again said I am not interested, I am married, I've moved on, hes just feeling nostalgic.

He now has my phone number. Voicemails of all of the above. He thinks my DH is keeping me from talking to him, us from meeting up, saying that I can trust him, DH won't find out. I really want him to stop. I want to make it clear he needs to stop. I asked for advice on how to word that.

Right now, he is an ex who is having an episode of some kind. I am not anticipating anything like stalking or worse, as I said I just want to be on the safe side and make this very clear to him.

You've made it clear. Any contact from you will be seen as encouragement. Block him from your phone (there are apps that help) and ignore him now.

Thank you for your advice. After reading through this thread I am actually a bit worried, which is exactly what I didn't want to do. My DH has a friend in LE, I think I am going to ask him to advise us if we should take any more precautions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, when you say he flipped out when you rejected him and "in the 3 weeks it has been going on you have responded 5 times" it makes it sound like you've rejected the guy 5 times, so I can see why it would be bewildering. It's hard to tell from what you provided what part was innocent and what part was not.
If you had normal conversations for 3 weeks and than at the end you rejected him with the 5th reply that's fine.
If you rejected him and then over the course of the next 3 weeks you did it again and again , that's a diff story

OP

I really didn't want to get any more specific than I have. When I say he flipped out when I rejected him, I meant when we broke up 20+ years ago.

He contacted me. I responded.

He asked a question about a mutual friend (my family member). I responded.

He mentioned my life he had "caught up" on over social media, said he missed out, that sometimes he feels I was the one. While in hindsight it was a bit creepy, I responded with a thank you, I'm really happy, my DH is amazing and my best friend etc.

He left a string of crazy messages about my coming out to visit said mutual friend and we could hook up. He then went into the tirade about how my life could have been with him. How our kids would have been etc. I responded with I am happily married, I am not interested

He then left a string of messages about my husband, about how he is better than my husband, again asking for an affair, again talking about soul mates. How he looked up my DHs professional information and he was "no big deal" like he was. I ignored, he escalated. I again said I am not interested, I am married, I've moved on, hes just feeling nostalgic.

He now has my phone number. Voicemails of all of the above. He thinks my DH is keeping me from talking to him, us from meeting up, saying that I can trust him, DH won't find out. I really want him to stop. I want to make it clear he needs to stop. I asked for advice on how to word that.

Right now, he is an ex who is having an episode of some kind. I am not anticipating anything like stalking or worse, as I said I just want to be on the safe side and make this very clear to him.

Umm. Basically he is stalking you. Stalking is when you have asked someone to not contact you and they continue to do so. In one sentence via email or text tell him "please do not contact me again". You must do this in writing so that you can file for a restraining order if things escalate. Then do not respond in any way shape or form to his contacts. You will also have to explain the situation to family members and ask them respond similarly if he is in touch with them again.

Please read "The Gift of Fear," it has some very good advice about dealing with these kinds of situations.

[Anonymous]

Poor OP. Some people are telling her to tell him to stop and others are telling her she is enjoying it and encouraging it if she tells him to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, when you say he flipped out when you rejected him and "in the 3 weeks it has been going on you have responded 5 times" it makes it sound like you've rejected the guy 5 times, so I can see why it would be bewildering. It's hard to tell from what you provided what part was innocent and what part was not.
If you had normal conversations for 3 weeks and than at the end you rejected him with the 5th reply that's fine.
If you rejected him and then over the course of the next 3 weeks you did it again and again , that's a diff story

OP

I really didn't want to get any more specific than I have. When I say he flipped out when I rejected him, I meant when we broke up 20+ years ago.

He contacted me. I responded.

He asked a question about a mutual friend (my family member). I responded.

He mentioned my life he had "caught up" on over social media, said he missed out, that sometimes he feels I was the one. While in hindsight it was a bit creepy, I responded with a thank you, I'm really happy, my DH is amazing and my best friend etc.

He left a string of crazy messages about my coming out to visit said mutual friend and we could hook up. He then went into the tirade about how my life could have been with him. How our kids would have been etc. I responded with I am happily married, I am not interested

He then left a string of messages about my husband, about how he is better than my husband, again asking for an affair, again talking about soul mates. How he looked up my DHs professional information and he was "no big deal" like he was. I ignored, he escalated. I again said I am not interested, I am married, I've moved on, hes just feeling nostalgic.

He now has my phone number. Voicemails of all of the above. He thinks my DH is keeping me from talking to him, us from meeting up, saying that I can trust him, DH won't find out. I really want him to stop. I want to make it clear he needs to stop. I asked for advice on how to word that.

Right now, he is an ex who is having an episode of some kind. I am not anticipating anything like stalking or worse, as I said I just want to be on the safe side and make this very clear to him.

This is enough to get a restraining order. Getting a restraining order is not to difficult. It will give you recourse if he decides to visit you or to find you when you're visiting your hometown.

[Anonymous]

In addition to blocking him from everything, I'd recommend making all your social media more private so he can't stalk you that way either. Possibly give a heads up to close family members that he's a creepy stalker type and ask them not to give out any more info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP. Some people are telling her to tell him to stop and others are telling her she is enjoying it and encouraging it if she tells him to stop.

Because she's already told him to stop....twice...a third time isn't going to accomplish anything that the first two did not.

[Anonymous]

Please document everything and don't delete anything. He is a stalker and is losing it. You do not know what he will do.
I agree that reading the Gift of Fear is a good idea. And contact LE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP. Some people are telling her to tell him to stop and others are telling her she is enjoying it and encouraging it if she tells him to stop.

Because she's already told him to stop....twice...a third time isn't going to accomplish anything that the first two did not.

Has she told him specifically to stop yet? In his mind "I'm married" may not mean "stop being a fucking creeper"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP. Some people are telling her to tell him to stop and others are telling her she is enjoying it and encouraging it if she tells him to stop.

Because she's already told him to stop....twice...a third time isn't going to accomplish anything that the first two did not.

Has she told him specifically to stop yet? In his mind "I'm married" may not mean "stop being a fucking creeper"

I think she used the phrase " I'm married, and I'm not interested" which I think was a big mistake. She should have been straight up from the beginning because you could possibly infer from her answer that if circumstances were to change se would be interested. Regardless what the OP needs to do now is respond with a simple " do not contact me again " and ignore him. Idk why she is trying to formulate an elaborate response. Putting a lot of thought into something you have no interest in. /shrug

[Anonymous]

Label him as SPAM in your email and don't respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor OP. Some people are telling her to tell him to stop and others are telling her she is enjoying it and encouraging it if she tells him to stop.

Because she's already told him to stop....twice...a third time isn't going to accomplish anything that the first two did not.

Has she told him specifically to stop yet? In his mind "I'm married" may not mean "stop being a fucking creeper"

I think she used the phrase " I'm married, and I'm not interested" which I think was a big mistake. She should have been straight up from the beginning because you could possibly infer from her answer that if circumstances were to change se would be interested. Regardless what the OP needs to do now is respond with a simple " do not contact me again " and ignore him. Idk why she is trying to formulate an elaborate response. Putting a lot of thought into something you have no interest in. /shrug

Why make such an inference? Isn't it fairly apparent she is worried this is going to escalate if she outright rejects him because of their past history? I think she is very interested in handling this right, with the situation that is right in front of her. Saying what she should have done is zero help and only serves to victim blame.

I think it is wrong to even entertain that she did anything wrong or that inferred anything to him or instigated anything. This guy is right on the borderline of physically stalking her. She didn't invite this, she didn't want this and from her posts it certainly doesn't seem like she is enjoying this.