My ex is back 22 years later, claiming I was "the one" - I'm not, at all.

[Anonymous]

eh, you just cut them off. No - "This is the last time I'm going to say this, I never want to talk to you again!". You just stop talking to them. You stop answering the door. You don't read emails/texts, letters get sent back return to sender unopened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand, but she has already made it clear that she is not interested. The only thing left is to tell him to stop contacting her. Nothing she says is going to change his obsession with her, or he would have backed off the first 2 times. the sooner she starts ignoring him the sooner he will no longer be a part of her life. If he proceeds to start stalking her physically then you get the police involved. It's as simple as that. He doesn't seem to be that type or I think he would have had a physical presence by now. Woman have to get rid of stalkers all the time, it's not rocket science lol. Any attention she gives him, even in the form of a lengthy response, will be seen (by him) as an invitation to continue. It doesn't have to be rational for him to act on it. We have already established this guy is a kook. Best course of action? Tell him in no uncertain terms to stop trying to contact you and move forward.

LOL! Women do this all the time so lets ridicule this one for reaching out for advice. What an idiot she is, she probably enjoys being stalked.

Oh please, I was not ridiculing her. No need to troll

Sure seemed like you were making light of her concern, I mean lol its not rocket science right and shes just leading him on.

I said its not rocket science as in you need to say it in one sentence as "do not contact me again" and ignore all further contact. Instead of trying to come up with a way to convey that message without upsetting him. How you got that, out of everything else I wrote , is a bit sad. I thought I made quite a few good points. I guess we just handle stalkers differently .

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a former friend and classmate from HS totally spazz on me years later when I rejected his advances. I ignored him and then he found my number somehow and apologized for his odd behavior. I naively forgave him and we resumed being friends or so I thought. This was in undergrad. Months later, after hanging out a few times, he got upset because I wouldn't allow him to pay for me (didn't want to confuse our outings as dates). He got upset again that I wouldn't give him a shot when we were so good together and leave my man. I severed contact with him again. I moved to Philly and he tracked down my house number there and called. I ignored. I found out through old classmates that he tried to fight a friend and that finally led to professional help. Turns out he was bipolar. I heard that he was on meds and I didn't hear from him for awhile. I'm pretty sure that he was the "former classmate" who called my grandparents house demanding my contact information a couple years later.

OP, your old friend sounds very similar. I would send something along the lines of "I'm not interested and never will be. If I was a single woman, I would still have zero interest in pursuing a friendship or romance with you. Do not contact me any further. Any future attempts will be considered harassment."

[Anonymous]

put it on block. Don't respond (any response will result in him responding back.)

Or have your husband respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, when you say he flipped out when you rejected him and "in the 3 weeks it has been going on you have responded 5 times" it makes it sound like you've rejected the guy 5 times, so I can see why it would be bewildering. It's hard to tell from what you provided what part was innocent and what part was not.
If you had normal conversations for 3 weeks and than at the end you rejected him with the 5th reply that's fine.
If you rejected him and then over the course of the next 3 weeks you did it again and again , that's a diff story

OP

I really didn't want to get any more specific than I have. When I say he flipped out when I rejected him, I meant when we broke up 20+ years ago.

He contacted me. I responded.

He asked a question about a mutual friend (my family member). I responded.

He mentioned my life he had "caught up" on over social media, said he missed out, that sometimes he feels I was the one. While in hindsight it was a bit creepy, I responded with a thank you, I'm really happy, my DH is amazing and my best friend etc.

He left a string of crazy messages about my coming out to visit said mutual friend and we could hook up. He then went into the tirade about how my life could have been with him. How our kids would have been etc. I responded with I am happily married, I am not interested

He then left a string of messages about my husband, about how he is better than my husband, again asking for an affair, again talking about soul mates. How he looked up my DHs professional information and he was "no big deal" like he was. I ignored, he escalated. I again said I am not interested, I am married, I've moved on, hes just feeling nostalgic.

He now has my phone number. Voicemails of all of the above. He thinks my DH is keeping me from talking to him, us from meeting up, saying that I can trust him, DH won't find out. I really want him to stop. I want to make it clear he needs to stop. I asked for advice on how to word that.

Right now, he is an ex who is having an episode of some kind. I am not anticipating anything like stalking or worse, as I said I just want to be on the safe side and make this very clear to him.

Umm. Basically he is stalking you. Stalking is when you have asked someone to not contact you and they continue to do so. In one sentence via email or text tell him "please do not contact me again". You must do this in writing so that you can file for a restraining order if things escalate. Then do not respond in any way shape or form to his contacts. You will also have to explain the situation to family members and ask them respond similarly if he is in touch with them again.

Please read "The Gift of Fear," it has some very good advice about dealing with these kinds of situations.

I am the PP who had a similar situation with someone from my past over 20 years ago. The man contacting me was living in another state. The first time he contacted me, I didn't immediately remember who he was. It was so bizarre. He sent flowers to my work, sent rambling emails, called my work, sent texts to my husband's phone (he thought it was my number and must have paid a service to locate the number). I was getting worried, because the behavior clearly was not normal. After I told him not to contact me again, I received a couple back-to-back rambling emails, and then he stopped. I documented everything, and contacted the Public Safety office at my work.

PP is correct. The man is already stalking you, OP. Treat him like a stalker. You don't owe him anything, and you did nothing to cause his behavior.

Good luck to you. I hope this is resolved quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you for all of your responses. I really needed some help wording my response because he did really flip out the last time I "rejected" him. In the last threeish weeks that this has been going on I have responded 5 times. At first he contacted me fairly innocently. So I responded in kind. It went downhill quickly. I would wake up to dozens of messages from him. Recently my well meaning (idiot) cousin gave him my number. So now I have a lot of voicemails from him.

As I said, I wanted to be kind. It is obvious he is going through a "thing" right now. At first I told him I was happily married and not interested in changing that, I also told him I was happy to hear from him and hoped he was doing well (I know, my bad, didn't think it would escalate like this). Now I absolutely want this to stop but I don't want his "thing" to turn into crazy, you know?

As for my husband he has read and heard everything and he laughs it off, says "Its because you are too hot" (he is just being sweet) and teases me about my "boyfriend". I have not let him know that I am seriously beginning to get creeped out because honestly I don't want to worry/bug my DH about something so lame.

Because honestly ... its 22 years later, I am a grown woman with kids and a button down suburban life. My ex while not a "famous" ball player had a really solid career, I checked out his social media looks like he has plenty of friends and good times. He lives on the opposite coast, he still has his looks, he should seriously not be pining for me. I feel stupid even posting about this, but as I said, I really was at a loss for what to say to him to end this situation. I have no intention of outing him or embarrassing him, I just want to stop. It is sad and pathetic bordering on creepy, he needs to get a grip.

I am going to use a form of what 15:03 advised "Ex, I have told you that I am not interested in a relationship with you. Your messages are disrespectful - to me, to my marriage, to my husband, to my children. Do not contact me again. Sarah" and then ignore anything further. If he keeps it up I will block what I can. I will also keep a record of what he has said, just in case.

Thanks again. I appreciate all the help.

Are you positive this person who is contacting you is really your ex? Any chance that this might be an imposter who remembers you two from back in the day and is trying to stir things up for some reason? Maybe he is hoping to get you to say something regrettable in return? For some reason this whole thing just doesn't sound right.

I've seen obsessive behavior before and I think that if this guy was this obsessed with you he would be on your doorstep or "bumping into" you someplace. They usually don't worship afar like that...Does he talk like his old self?

It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STOP ENTERTAINING THIS NONESENSE. JUST STOP. there is no need to say once again that you are not interested. You said that already. He knows. He doesn't care. Block him stop responding and move on with life.

I agree with this. I think any kind of response that the OP provides is just feeding her own need for drama. "O. M. G. Larla's Mom - guess who contact me again on FB?! Can you believe it? He was telling me again about how awesome I am!"

I see we have gotten to the "lets turn on the OP" portion of the thread.

Meh... I can kind of see what they are getting at.

Regardless of her intentions, there is nothing that cAn justify needing a response that contains more than "please do not contact me again" after what she has already told him in her previous replies.

From what I have read, she seems cautious about setting him off because of her last experience rejecting him. I can see her desire to maybe reach out for some constructive advice on how to word things.

Let it go. No one, except maybe one other person agrees with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STOP ENTERTAINING THIS NONESENSE. JUST STOP. there is no need to say once again that you are not interested. You said that already. He knows. He doesn't care. Block him stop responding and move on with life.

I agree with this. I think any kind of response that the OP provides is just feeding her own need for drama. "O. M. G. Larla's Mom - guess who contact me again on FB?! Can you believe it? He was telling me again about how awesome I am!"

I see we have gotten to the "lets turn on the OP" portion of the thread.

Meh... I can kind of see what they are getting at.

Regardless of her intentions, there is nothing that cAn justify needing a response that contains more than "please do not contact me again" after what she has already told him in her previous replies.

From what I have read, she seems cautious about setting him off because of her last experience rejecting him. I can see her desire to maybe reach out for some constructive advice on how to word things.

Let it go. No one, except maybe one other person agrees with you.

Um... sometimes I just don't understand what compels people to post something like this.

NP and I agree. OP did nothing wrong asking for some advice on how to word things. This would be so scary to go through and especially with their history of a volatile break up. From what I gather she has never explicitly said to him "Do not contact me again" and she needs to. Especially if this does escalate, that needs to be documented.

[Anonymous]

Why are men the stalkers 95% of the time? How come it is almost never women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are men the stalkers 95% of the time? How come it is almost never women?

I disagree. I think women can flip to crazy stalking ex pretty quick too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when we condition women to be nice. OP is trying to figure out how to nicely cut this stalkerish loser off. He is not being nice. He is not giving two shits how what he is doing my be impacting her life. But still the thought is how can I nicely cut this off. Fuck that just cut him off. Stop responding, Block him and resume moving about the cabin.

+ 10000. This is exactly what I was thinking when I read OP's post.

Another +10000. I'd send one last message--"I wish to be clear--I do not want a relationship with you. Please do not contact me again." Then have any email from him diverted into a separate folder (I'd keep it in case it's needed as evidence at some point). Do not respond to his texts (again, I'd preserve them as evidence). Absolutely no contact from the OP in any way, shape, or form.

It's okay not to be "nice" all the time. This guy has demonstrated that he doesn't really care about her feelings. She does not need to be concerned about protecting his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Label him as SPAM in your email and don't respond.

I would put a filter on his email and automatically forward it to a good, level-headed friend who will read the emails but agree to not tell you anything about them unless there is some kind of threat.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to read 8 pages of this, but I had a similar situation - block him in every form you can. Add him to the block callers list for your phone. Block him on every social media account. Make sure your privacy settings don't reveal ANYTHING. This guy adds nothing to your life. You have nothing to say to him. He'll have to get over this on his own. You can't help him.

[Anonymous]

Men will say anything to stick their Twinkie in your dingdong

[Anonymous]

Christ. I'd be worried about him showing up at your doorstep with a gun, since that's the current trend in our country. He has your phone number. He can probably figure out your address easily online. Please take this seriously.