What is considered a sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

Perfect recipe for sexless. I'd consider once a month sexless too.

I think this is really unfair.

I think it is really unfair to have to be guilt-ed into having sex when you really don't want to.

WHo gets to "win?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage
Obviously everyone will have their own opinion. Ten times a year seems the most common definition. We were at 10-11 for several years until I, the husband, told my wife that if we wanted a healthy marriage we needed a healthy sex life and that meant at least once a week. Things are getting better. Not great, but getting better.

What would you say if your wife said, "Now that we are done having kids.... in our 50s.... devoting 130% of our energy in a career... etc.., in order to have a healthy life (as we can't do it all) we are going to stop having sex." You probably wouldn't be happy having it her way.... why should she settle for the sex parameters YOUR way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage
Obviously everyone will have their own opinion. Ten times a year seems the most common definition. We were at 10-11 for several years until I, the husband, told my wife that if we wanted a healthy marriage we needed a healthy sex life and that meant at least once a week. Things are getting better. Not great, but getting better.

What would you say if your wife said, "Now that we are done having kids.... in our 50s.... devoting 130% of our energy in a career... etc.., in order to have a healthy life (as we can't do it all) we are going to stop having sex." You probably wouldn't be happy having it her way.... why should she settle for the sex parameters YOUR way?

One spouse controlling 100% of the sex (or non-sex as the case may be) would be like one spouse having 100% control over how the money is spent. Not a recipe for a healthy marriage. "I'd like to never have sex" is pretty much the same as a spouse saying "I'd like to use all of our money for my priorities."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage
Obviously everyone will have their own opinion. Ten times a year seems the most common definition. We were at 10-11 for several years until I, the husband, told my wife that if we wanted a healthy marriage we needed a healthy sex life and that meant at least once a week. Things are getting better. Not great, but getting better.

What would you say if your wife said, "Now that we are done having kids.... in our 50s.... devoting 130% of our energy in a career... etc.., in order to have a healthy life (as we can't do it all) we are going to stop having sex." You probably wouldn't be happy having it her way.... why should she settle for the sex parameters YOUR way?

I'm guessing PP is splitting the difference at once a week, that if PP was setting the sex parameters without regard to his wife's preferences, it would be more like once a day. So, if he was at once a day and she was at once a month, then he is having 1/7th the sex he wants and she is having 4x as much sex as she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

Perfect recipe for sexless. I'd consider once a month sexless too.

I think this is really unfair.

I think it is really unfair to have to be guilt-ed into having sex when you really don't want to.

WHo gets to "win?"

I think it's really unfair to enter into a situation where regular sex is the expectation and decide to just stop. Woman here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage
Obviously everyone will have their own opinion. Ten times a year seems the most common definition. We were at 10-11 for several years until I, the husband, told my wife that if we wanted a healthy marriage we needed a healthy sex life and that meant at least once a week. Things are getting better. Not great, but getting better.

What would you say if your wife said, "Now that we are done having kids.... in our 50s.... devoting 130% of our energy in a career... etc.., in order to have a healthy life (as we can't do it all) we are going to stop having sex." You probably wouldn't be happy having it her way.... why should she settle for the sex parameters YOUR way?

I'm guessing PP is splitting the difference at once a week, that if PP was setting the sex parameters without regard to his wife's preferences, it would be more like once a day. So, if he was at once a day and she was at once a month, then he is having 1/7th the sex he wants and she is having 4x as much sex as she wants.

PP here. Yep, once a week was a compromise. Marriage is a partnership -- not a dictatorship. And these days, it's one that can be ended. So, if my wife told me in our 50's that our sex life was over, I'd tell her that our marriage was too (unless there were some legitimate excuse, like an illness, of course.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage
Obviously everyone will have their own opinion. Ten times a year seems the most common definition. We were at 10-11 for several years until I, the husband, told my wife that if we wanted a healthy marriage we needed a healthy sex life and that meant at least once a week. Things are getting better. Not great, but getting better.

Pretty much what happened with my DW and me. Except it took more drastic steps. She always shut me down, had sex 2-3x a year on avg. Sometimes 4-5 on a good year. I was so incredibly frustrated and resentful. Wasn't going to leave my kids, period. Finally, after 25 yrs I had had it. Never once cheated, but I left the house after another lack of sex fight, didn't answer her repeated phone calls til midnight. Told her I wasn't coming home because I wasn't going to live without sex anymore. Before sunrise, she left a msg saying that she promised to change. We've been having sex 2-4 x a mth for the last several yrs now. She's never made me feel like she was doing it out of spite or didn't really want to. If she made it seem like a mercy fuck, I'd had left, but she hasn't.

I can't F-ing believe that I barely had sex thru the majority of my marriage. She's always refused to talk about, refused Therapy all those yrs. To this day, I still don't know what the problem was and probably never will. I still have loads of resentment that I try to control, but it has always prevented me from completely opening up to her and baring my soul and returning unconditional love. Everything about her is 100% compatible to me other than the sex issue and I do love her. However, in hindsight, No I never would have married her. Sex is too damn important. OTOH, I would never choose to go back in time simply because with all the lack of sex, I would never give up my children.
The dilemma that non-sex spouses imposes on their loved ones is tremendous and outrageously unfair. I pray my children don't fall into the same trap.

If you are a man and dating/engaged and the sex life just isn't there ............... run as fast as you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

Perfect recipe for sexless. I'd consider once a month sexless too.

I think this is really unfair.

I think it is really unfair to have to be guilt-ed into having sex when you really don't want to.

WHo gets to "win?"

Sex is a completely natural and expected thing in marriage. It is un-natural to NOT have sex.

The party who exhibits normal behavior (a natural sex desire) should "win" over the party exhibiting abnormal behavior (no sex). Nobody should feel guilty for acting like a normal adult. If the other party feels guilt for his/her abnormal behavior, I find it difficult to be sympathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, really. Any sex in your marriage cancels out "sexless" as a descriptor. If your husband goes and has sex with another woman just once this year, you're not going to be calling what they have a sexless relationship, are you.

I agree. How could once a month be sexless?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, really. Any sex in your marriage cancels out "sexless" as a descriptor. If your husband goes and has sex with another woman just once this year, you're not going to be calling what they have a sexless relationship, are you.

I agree. How could once a month be sexless?

+1. That's where most of my friends who have small kids are. Babies not sleeping through the night and sleep deprivation are sex drive killers for both parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, really. Any sex in your marriage cancels out "sexless" as a descriptor. If your husband goes and has sex with another woman just once this year, you're not going to be calling what they have a sexless relationship, are you.

I agree. How could once a month be sexless?

It's kind of like a desert is "waterless." Sure, there is the occasional oasis, but not enough to live on (or barely enough to live on if you know exactly where to look.)

[Anonymous]

Most clinical definitions of sexless marriage use the metric of 10 times per year. So once per month is right at the edge of clinical sexlessness. I would consider 1X per month sexless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, really. Any sex in your marriage cancels out "sexless" as a descriptor. If your husband goes and has sex with another woman just once this year, you're not going to be calling what they have a sexless relationship, are you.

I agree. How could once a month be sexless?

+1. That's where most of my friends who have small kids are. Babies not sleeping through the night and sleep deprivation are sex drive killers for both parties.

When the kids are in the first year or two, that's more or less understandable. The hell of it is not knowing whether that's a phase or what your spouse has unilaterally decided will be the status quo for the rest of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

Perfect recipe for sexless. I'd consider once a month sexless too.

I think this is really unfair.

I think it is really unfair to have to be guilt-ed into having sex when you really don't want to.

WHo gets to "win?"

Sex is a completely natural and expected thing in marriage. It is un-natural to NOT have sex.

The party who exhibits normal behavior (a natural sex desire) should "win" over the party exhibiting abnormal behavior (no sex). Nobody should feel guilty for acting like a normal adult. If the other party feels guilt for his/her abnormal behavior, I find it difficult to be sympathetic.

Exactly. Just because some partners put up with it doesn't make it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, really. Any sex in your marriage cancels out "sexless" as a descriptor. If your husband goes and has sex with another woman just once this year, you're not going to be calling what they have a sexless relationship, are you.

I agree. How could once a month be sexless?

You can't be serious. If DH wouldn't have sex more often than once a month I would leave (barring illness). This is not normal. See a doctor or a therapist.