What is considered a sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so depressing. Contracts, needs..I was so in love with my husband and could f"@?k his brains out day and night. Now, 13 years later, the thought of touching me makes my skin crawl.

What part, if any, did you play in bringing the marriage to that place?

Have you had continuing, heartfelt discussions during the 13 years that this changed, or would all of this be a surprise to your husband? Why did you let it get so bad without clearing things up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is a want, not a need. Water and oxygen are needs.

No, actually, it's a need. Not as high up as water, oxygen or food on Maslow's hierarchy, but a need nonetheless. More of a need than the way you spend 95% of your time.

What makes you think its a need? Human beings can live happily without sex. That makes it a want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is a want, not a need. Water and oxygen are needs.

No, actually, it's a need. Not as high up as water, oxygen or food on Maslow's hierarchy, but a need nonetheless. More of a need than the way you spend 95% of your time.

What makes you think its a need? Human beings can live happily without sex. That makes it a want.

Speak for yourself. I would be very unhappy with a sexless exisitance.
-wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is a want, not a need. Water and oxygen are needs.

No, actually, it's a need. Not as high up as water, oxygen or food on Maslow's hierarchy, but a need nonetheless. More of a need than the way you spend 95% of your time.

What makes you think its a need? Human beings can live happily without sex. That makes it a want.

Your poor husband. I really hope you aren't married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is a want, not a need. Water and oxygen are needs.

No, actually, it's a need. Not as high up as water, oxygen or food on Maslow's hierarchy, but a need nonetheless. More of a need than the way you spend 95% of your time.

What makes you think its a need? Human beings can live happily without sex. That makes it a want.

Your poor husband. I really hope you aren't married.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex is a want, not a need. Water and oxygen are needs.

Exactly. If sex is a "need", then how do so many people go without? (By choice or not...)

[Anonymous]

Sex is not a need on an individual basis, but it is a defining aspect of marriage. There are exceptions - medical conditions that make it not possible, but those are generally heartbreaking, life-threatening exceptions. To plan not to have sex ever again with your spouse, or to simply "opt out" of that part of the marriage, is a violation of what most cultural notions of marriage include, and certainly legal grounds for divorce in the US. It is not normal, or legally legitimate. Sex is a part of marriage. When it is missing, there must be a serious explanation that justifies it, or it threatens the validity of the entire arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not a need on an individual basis, but it is a defining aspect of marriage. There are exceptions - medical conditions that make it not possible, but those are generally heartbreaking, life-threatening exceptions. To plan not to have sex ever again with your spouse, or to simply "opt out" of that part of the marriage, is a violation of what most cultural notions of marriage include, and certainly legal grounds for divorce in the US. It is not normal, or legally legitimate. Sex is a part of marriage. When it is missing, there must be a serious explanation that justifies it, or it threatens the validity of the entire arrangement.

Sorry, but the only people allowed to determine what is normal in, or a "defining aspect" of my marriage is my spouse and I. I don't give a crap about what the "cultural notions" of marriage are. My marriage is a relationship between my spouse and I. It is not for you to define or set parameters on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not a need on an individual basis, but it is a defining aspect of marriage. There are exceptions - medical conditions that make it not possible, but those are generally heartbreaking, life-threatening exceptions. To plan not to have sex ever again with your spouse, or to simply "opt out" of that part of the marriage, is a violation of what most cultural notions of marriage include, and certainly legal grounds for divorce in the US. It is not normal, or legally legitimate. Sex is a part of marriage. When it is missing, there must be a serious explanation that justifies it, or it threatens the validity of the entire arrangement.

Sorry, but the only people allowed to determine what is normal in, or a "defining aspect" of my marriage is my spouse and I. I don't give a crap about what the "cultural notions" of marriage are. My marriage is a relationship between my spouse and I. It is not for you to define or set parameters on.

If your spouse and you are happy without sex in your marriage, you're not really what this discussion is aimed at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is a want, not a need. Water and oxygen are needs.

No, actually, it's a need. Not as high up as water, oxygen or food on Maslow's hierarchy, but a need nonetheless. More of a need than the way you spend 95% of your time.

What makes you think its a need? Human beings can live happily without sex. That makes it a want.

No. It is essential, overall, for continuing human existence.

[Anonymous]

It's a need. I'm a mental and emotional wreck without it.

[Anonymous]

I'd say it depends on the QUALITY of the once-a-month sex. Is it passionate or a duty? Is there kissing and romance the rest of the month?

Page 8, am I really the first to bring it up?? We have sex about 1-2 times a month, and I'd say only a few times a year is it really any more exciting than brushing my teeth. Usually I take care of my own needs and occasionally let my low-sex drive husband (yes, I'm the woman here) play along. I'd say that's sexless. Romance and passion could elevate 1-2 times a month out of the sexless category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not a need on an individual basis, but it is a defining aspect of marriage. There are exceptions - medical conditions that make it not possible, but those are generally heartbreaking, life-threatening exceptions. To plan not to have sex ever again with your spouse, or to simply "opt out" of that part of the marriage, is a violation of what most cultural notions of marriage include, and certainly legal grounds for divorce in the US. It is not normal, or legally legitimate. Sex is a part of marriage. When it is missing, there must be a serious explanation that justifies it, or it threatens the validity of the entire arrangement.

Sorry, but the only people allowed to determine what is normal in, or a "defining aspect" of my marriage is my spouse and I. I don't give a crap about what the "cultural notions" of marriage are. My marriage is a relationship between my spouse and I. It is not for you to define or set parameters on.

Actually, the law does have something to say about it. Going a year without sex constitutes marital abandonment in several states and is grounds for a fault divorce. If you & your spouse are happy with your sexless arrangement, good for you - neither of you will file for divorce and you can carry on as you see fit. But if one of you isn't as happy as you claim, then that spouse as a legitimate grievance, because a sexless marriage is not considered normal in the eyes of the law.

[Anonymous]

honestly when the kids are little and you're not sleeping well and they're in your bed, this just seems normal for a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:honestly when the kids are little and you're not sleeping well and they're in your bed, this just seems normal for a time.

What is the outside length of that time -- in terms of months and years, when would you say that the sexlessness is no longer normal and, instead, is the sign of a problem (assuming, of course, one or both of the spouses are unhappy with the situation)?