What is considered a sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

OP, you sound like you make a lot of excuses. If your DH is unhappy then there's no reason to have to define it as sexless. No need for terms, either you're both happy with the frequency or not.

I am not making excuses. My drive is less. I would rather sleep than have sex. We have 2 young kids. Right now DH is passed out with one of my kids. I am about to get the kids' clothes ready for tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

It's also a good excuse for both of you not to have sex. Get the kids out of the bed, they're safe in their own rooms.

[Anonymous]

How do you not crave sex???

We have twice as many kids as the OP, and I'm desperately trying to get the kids to sleep so DH and I can have some fun. We have sex 3-5 times/week...anything less, and we would be worried.

[Anonymous]

I think most marriage therapist consider once a month to be "sexless". I'm in the same boat. Married 4 years. No driBe anymore and DH was never very good to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

Perfect recipe for sexless. I'd consider once a month sexless too.

I think this is really unfair.

.

Unfair for whom? It's the truth, but if both partners are on board, why would it be unfair.

Sure as hell wouldn't fly at my house, sex is often my favorite part of my day.

-DW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

And here lies your mistake.

[Anonymous]

I'm so unbelievably tired since I had my kid.....8 years ago. And I always prioritize sleep over sex. I absolutely do not function without sleep. But that's not fair to anyone.

What we do instead is set an hour aside every night that's couple time. Nothing else allowed. We can cuddle, talk, watch TV, have sex, whatever. It is scheduled, but it feels more spontaneous because it's not pressured, if that makes sense. So we have sex 2-3 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Sexless means zero sex, not just infrequent sex. You don't say someone is topless when they're wearing a little skimpy top.

I think cosleeping is good, and we did it with all of our kids. You have to be more conscious of making time and opportunities for sex, even though your craving for sleep is usually stronger at this phase. Go in another room and lock the door. You won't be the first parents whose toddler stood outside the door and said Mommy a hundred times while you had a quickie. And as someone else said, try and make a spot and a time daily/nightly where you cuddle up, door locked, and just do whatever together for an hour, if possible, whether it's watching television, talking, making out, or actually having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sexless means zero sex, not just infrequent sex.

Not true. If they have bio kids, they've obviously had sex at least twice. So if they never ever have sex again, their marriage isn't truly sexless by your logic. But any reasonable person would say that 10+ years of no sex after two kids would meet a standard of "sexless".

The definition I've seen in multiple places is 10 or less times per year. As others have said, that definition does not equate unhappiness if both partners are fine with it. Also, if a couple is having sex once a week and one partner wants sex more, that doesn't invalidate their unhappiness either.

But to the OP- I've repeatedly seen the definition as sex < 10 times per year.

[Anonymous]

10 times a year or fewer is technically sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you not crave sex???

We have twice as many kids as the OP, and I'm desperately trying to get the kids to sleep so DH and I can have some fun. We have sex 3-5 times/week...anything less, and we would be worried.

We're exhausted. We both work full time, work out 3-5 times a week, are raising teenagers, are in our late 40s.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if you have a sexless marriage, but you have a lazy one.

[Anonymous]

If both partners are happy, then there is no problem. If one or both partners are unhappy, you have to look for solutions. Knowing what sexual frequencies are "normal" helps you know where best to look for solutions.

If you're having sex once a year, and couples, on average, have sex once a week; then there is probably more room for compromise on the part of the low desire spouse -- and it will probably be productive to address reasons why the low desire spouse is low desire. (Address resentments, medical issues, whatever.) If you're having sex 3x per day and the average is once a week, then there is probably more room for compromise on the part of the high desire spouse.

[Anonymous]

We co-sleep but it doesn't have to affect your sex life. Put the kids to sleep and then go down and do it on the couch!

Or the guest room, or the floor, or shower or wherever. Then co-sleep.

I really don't see co-sleeping as a barrier to sex. By the time I hit the bed I'm ready to sleep, not rumble. My DH knows this and we always try to get it on earlier. Of course there are always those days when we're both home w/o kids for some reason -- that's an automatic.

Also -- quickie blow jobs in the morning in the bathroom. Depends on how old your kids are, but mine are busy in their rooms getting ready and a bj seriously takes less than 5 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We co-sleep but it doesn't have to affect your sex life. Put the kids to sleep and then go down and do it on the couch!

Or the guest room, or the floor, or shower or wherever. Then co-sleep.

I really don't see co-sleeping as a barrier to sex. By the time I hit the bed I'm ready to sleep, not rumble. My DH knows this and we always try to get it on earlier. Of course there are always those days when we're both home w/o kids for some reason -- that's an automatic.

Also -- quickie blow jobs in the morning in the bathroom. Depends on how old your kids are, but mine are busy in their rooms getting ready and a bj seriously takes less than 5 minutes.

Your attitude about this is great!