What is considered a sexless marriage?

[Anonymous]

Sex is a completely natural and expected thing in marriage. It is un-natural to NOT have sex.

The party who exhibits normal behavior (a natural sex desire) should "win" over the party exhibiting abnormal behavior (no sex). Nobody should feel guilty for acting like a normal adult. If the other party feels guilt for his/her abnormal behavior, I find it difficult to be sympathetic.

I find this so depressing. Marriage is a contract where sex is owed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

Perfect recipe for sexless. I'd consider once a month sexless too.

I think this is really unfair.

I think it is really unfair to have to be guilt-ed into having sex when you really don't want to.

WHo gets to "win?"

You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sex is a completely natural and expected thing in marriage. It is un-natural to NOT have sex.

The party who exhibits normal behavior (a natural sex desire) should "win" over the party exhibiting abnormal behavior (no sex). Nobody should feel guilty for acting like a normal adult. If the other party feels guilt for his/her abnormal behavior, I find it difficult to be sympathetic.

I find this so depressing. Marriage is a contract where sex is owed?

Do you hear yourself? You are depressed at the idea that marriage assumes a healthy sex life? Maybe you are right. You are depressed. Get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have sex once or twice a week. I would like to more often but that's the amount that works for my DH. I don't like giving BJs because then we don't have intercourse and I don't want to wait another week.

+1 you are not the only one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, really. Any sex in your marriage cancels out "sexless" as a descriptor. If your husband goes and has sex with another woman just once this year, you're not going to be calling what they have a sexless relationship, are you.

I agree. How could once a month be sexless?

So if your husband only talked to you once a month, you wouldn't say that he never talks to you? You people are insane. You don't recognize that there is something seriously wrong with not having sex on a regular basis with your husband? What would be the difference in just having a roommate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We co-sleep but it doesn't have to affect your sex life. Put the kids to sleep and then go down and do it on the couch!

Or the guest room, or the floor, or shower or wherever. Then co-sleep.

I really don't see co-sleeping as a barrier to sex. By the time I hit the bed I'm ready to sleep, not rumble. My DH knows this and we always try to get it on earlier. Of course there are always those days when we're both home w/o kids for some reason -- that's an automatic.

Also -- quickie blow jobs in the morning in the bathroom. Depends on how old your kids are, but mine are busy in their rooms getting ready and a bj seriously takes less than 5 minutes.

I like sex to take more than 5 minutes, and can't imagine getting him off when he can't reciprocate. Of course, I am the higher drive spouse.

Wait, you won't give your DH a bj unless he "reciprocates?"

Yikes.

This really, really sucks. And it does not bode well for your marriage.


Yep, that's right. He won't ever reciprocate orally, so I stopped doing it for him.

You got that right. I take care of myself much more often than I'm with DH. He knows it and says that's just the way he is. One of the many sources of marital frustration after 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Do you hear yourself? You are depressed at the idea that marriage assumes a healthy sex life? Maybe you are right. You are depressed. Get help.

Do you hear yourself? "F@#k your feelings and the fact that I can't get you aroused. F@#k me anyway, because that's obviously YOUR problem, abnormal one. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We co-sleep but it doesn't have to affect your sex life. Put the kids to sleep and then go down and do it on the couch!

Or the guest room, or the floor, or shower or wherever. Then co-sleep.

I really don't see co-sleeping as a barrier to sex. By the time I hit the bed I'm ready to sleep, not rumble. My DH knows this and we always try to get it on earlier. Of course there are always those days when we're both home w/o kids for some reason -- that's an automatic.

Also -- quickie blow jobs in the morning in the bathroom. Depends on how old your kids are, but mine are busy in their rooms getting ready and a bj seriously takes less than 5 minutes.

I like sex to take more than 5 minutes, and can't imagine getting him off when he can't reciprocate. Of course, I am the higher drive spouse.

Wait, you won't give your DH a bj unless he "reciprocates?"

Yikes.

This really, really sucks. And it does not bode well for your marriage.


Yep, that's right. He won't ever reciprocate orally, so I stopped doing it for him.

I'm not sure I follow the objections raised above. Are you saying "yikes" when a wife doesn't want to give oral when her husband won't give oral? Seems totally fair to me. If he's able to get off from actual sex, why not just go with that? It's mutually enjoyable to both parties. If neither party enjoys giving oral, no need for either to subject themselves to it.

We aren't really into oral in my marriage. We've done it a handful of times, but we're both more into actual sex.

That's fine, then. I love it, my husband is grossed out by doing it and is terrible at it, it's something I really miss. He'd like to receive but can't overcome his squeamishness to reciprocate, so he goes without. And I bitch about my sex life to my girlfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should probably add that we co-slept and one or both our kids still climb into our bed. They like to sleep next to us. It supposedly makes them feel safe.

Perfect recipe for sexless. I'd consider once a month sexless too.

I think this is really unfair.

I think it is really unfair to have to be guilt-ed into having sex when you really don't want to.

WHo gets to "win?"

The point is that you shouldn't chronically say no. If you do, you have a problem that needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage
Obviously everyone will have their own opinion. Ten times a year seems the most common definition. We were at 10-11 for several years until I, the husband, told my wife that if we wanted a healthy marriage we needed a healthy sex life and that meant at least once a week. Things are getting better. Not great, but getting better.

What would you say if your wife said, "Now that we are done having kids.... in our 50s.... devoting 130% of our energy in a career... etc.., in order to have a healthy life (as we can't do it all) we are going to stop having sex." You probably wouldn't be happy having it her way.... why should she settle for the sex parameters YOUR way?

A spouse who wants sex 10 times a year is not settling for her spouse's parameters, she's increasing her output to closer meet the norm. Sex is a need, not a want, you do realize that, right? A biological need. It's not optional, like putting more energy into a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you hear yourself? You are depressed at the idea that marriage assumes a healthy sex life? Maybe you are right. You are depressed. Get help.

Do you hear yourself? "F@#k your feelings and the fact that I can't get you aroused. F@#k me anyway, because that's obviously YOUR problem, abnormal one. "

Oh, ok there's your problem. You need to be in charge of your own happiness. Touch yourself, tell him what you want, show him what you want, have a glass of wine, buy toys, own it. You can't use the excuse that it is his responsibility to get you aroused. You are an adult. Act like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, really. Any sex in your marriage cancels out "sexless" as a descriptor. If your husband goes and has sex with another woman just once this year, you're not going to be calling what they have a sexless relationship, are you.

I agree. How could once a month be sexless?

Are you the autistic poster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have sex once or twice a week. I would like to more often but that's the amount that works for my DH. I don't like giving BJs because then we don't have intercourse and I don't want to wait another week.

You don't have to do it to completion.

Oh we do do that as foreplay. I was responding to the person who said you can give a BJ in 5 min in the bathroom. I assumed that was to completion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, really. Any sex in your marriage cancels out "sexless" as a descriptor. If your husband goes and has sex with another woman just once this year, you're not going to be calling what they have a sexless relationship, are you.

I agree. How could once a month be sexless?

It's kind of like a desert is "waterless." Sure, there is the occasional oasis, but not enough to live on (or barely enough to live on if you know exactly where to look.)

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sex is a completely natural and expected thing in marriage. It is un-natural to NOT have sex.

The party who exhibits normal behavior (a natural sex desire) should "win" over the party exhibiting abnormal behavior (no sex). Nobody should feel guilty for acting like a normal adult. If the other party feels guilt for his/her abnormal behavior, I find it difficult to be sympathetic.

I find this so depressing. Marriage is a contract where sex is owed?

Do you also find it depressing that marriage is a contract where monogamy is owed? If you don't think sex is owed, then you must agree faithfulness is not owed, either.