Did your parents cheat? How did you feel about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about monogamish relationships? My DW and I are open and take other partners into our bed and it is not the business of our children.

they will eventually know of your fetishes and will then think it's ok to break oaths when married.

Who says we are breaking any "oaths." Maybe our relationship is fuller because of our active and adventurous sexual life. Who are you to judge? Maybe you are happy with plain vanilla missionary, but I require more and my husband, who loves me and wants to see me happy, allows me. It would be cheating if neither one of us knew about the OMs and OWs. Look at Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee. They had an open marriage and were together nearly sixty years.

[Anonymous]

"It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it -- that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished -- as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease. We had to be discreet and, if the word can be apt, honorable in our behavior, both to ourselves, to whomever else might be involved, and most of all, to the family. And for the most part, we were."

-- Ossie Davis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about monogamish relationships? My DW and I are open and take other partners into our bed and it is not the business of our children.

If you are open about it to one another as a couple, then it's not cheating. It's just one of the sex things you and your spouse do or don't do. What mom and dad mutually consent to do in the bedroom is usually neither here nor there to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the expectation that parents should allow their children's needs to completely supersede their own is damaging.

Bullshit. Putting your kids needs before your own is called "being a parent" and "being an adult".

Doing it to your detriment is called being a martyr.

There is no "detriment" associated with NOT CHEATING so your response is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it -- that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished -- as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease. We had to be discreet and, if the word can be apt, honorable in our behavior, both to ourselves, to whomever else might be involved, and most of all, to the family. And for the most part, we were."

-- Ossie Davis

What a load of crap.

The idea of an open marriage full of wonder and free of hostility or jealousy is an absurd fantasy. If your spouse openly cheats on you, without "lies and deception", you will feel extreme anger, jealousy, and desire for revenge if you are a normal human being.

What is the point of such a "marriage" anyway? A loveless business partnership?

[Anonymous]

Eventually, Ossie and Ruby decided the open marriage was not for them because they found that they really fulfilled each other, but neither regretted trying it. In the end, it is about respect and realizing your partner is a different person with different needs and aspirations. It is about your partner and not about you. Your jealousy is your problem, not theirs. If you both agree that you can both have outside relationships, it is just not cheating. The cgeating comes in the lies and deception, not the outside sex act. There are as many flavored of marriage as there are ice cream. Grab a spoon and dig in, but don't expect your flavor to be my favorite not force me to eat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the expectation that parents should allow their children's needs to completely supersede their own is damaging.

Bullshit. Putting your kids needs before your own is called "being a parent" and "being an adult".

Doing it to your detriment is called being a martyr.

There is no "detriment" associated with NOT CHEATING so your response is irrelevant.

No, you are reading into it to try to make it irrelevant. But that's your prerogative.

[Anonymous]

My father's mistress reached out after my father died. Through her son (not fathered by my dad, or maybe, but paternity wasn't the purpose of contact)

My mom was furious, no one to be angry to, dad was gone.

The kid had an interesting story of adoring my dad (I hated him instinctively, and I didn't know about the second family) of my dad reading him bed time stories and him wishing for more of my dad (I wished for less).

I absolutely didn't care. My sister however was very hurt and very angry. really angry. The bedtime daddy was the kind of dad she longed for, and was devastated that bedtime daddy existed on another plane of reality.

Funny, my sister is a serial cheater. My brother is a monogamous cheater (exit affairs). And I cheated once, didn't like how it made me feel and never did it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

OP - you know, I still feel very personally hurt by it. Because of his actions, my childhood was full of fights between my parents and he ultimately destroyed my family, what was supposed to be my safe place. Now that I am a parent in my own right, I actually feel more contempt for him. If only for the sake of my young child, I would rather leave my marriage honorably than destroy it with sleeping around.

But that's your personal issue. I've had a longterm significant other while remaining married to my husband. I have no interest in destroying my childrens' lives and in fact, I am calmer and much better able to co parent than I would be without my SO. My kids' lives are not full of fights, and I have no interest in divorce. Sounds like your childhood was troubled by your parents' bad marriage, of which cheating was just one manifestation. Have you received therapy to frame all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

That is horseshit.

Nope, it's not. I cheat and it has zero to do with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, I'm in the unusual spot that my Mom cheated. And actually left home to be with those guy(s) ... when I was like little-- in and out of my life from when I was 6-10. My parents eventually reconciled when my Mom realized she wasn't going to get any spousal support and would only see my brother and I on weekends. My parents are actually coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary this summer, so it all "worked out". I had a lot of anger towards my Mom when I was younger, but it's turned to mostly sadness now that I've had my own kids. I, for the life of me, cannot FATHOM either one of my boys (they are 2 and 4) being in elementary school and my wants and desires outweighing their need of a mom at home. My Dad is kind of, dull... but certainly not abusive/hard to live with, etc. A hardworker and very kind (obviously, since he took that cheatin hoe bag back - lol) so it wasn't like there was another side to the story that I'm missing. They married VERY young (like 19) and my Mom always said she was "sowing her wild oats". Like I said, everyone makes mistakes but I just can't imagine intentionally hurting my kids like she hurt me. It just breaks my heart to think that so many of my issues with trust and relationships (and even food to a certain extent, as I used it as a comfort) could have been entirely avoided had she not been interested in feeling good or happier or whatever.

OP - what is your relationship with her like now? It doesn't sound as if she is repentant at all. I have a lot of issues too, mostly trust issues, from my father's cheating. He would come home all happy and normal-acting after sleeping around with even close family friends. When someone you love and trust demonstrates such psychopathic behavior, it makes you realize on some level that you never really quite know anyone.

But that's a good life lesson to learn. You can never really quite know anyone; best to always have a little reserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the expectation that parents should allow their children's needs to completely supersede their own is damaging.

Bullshit. Putting your kids needs before your own is called "being a parent" and "being an adult".

People can have affairs without neglecting their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read through the pages, but my dad cheated on my mom repeatedly and left her for another woman (shockingly, it didn't work out). As an adult, I really don't think about it and am not hurt by it. He cheated on her, not me. Also, everyone makes mistakes, and there are two sides to every story. I just don't feel like it is my place to judge him too harshly for things he did a long time ago.

Yeah destroying a family and ruining your mom's life isn't a big deal. what's worse....murder?

I didn't say it wasn't a big deal. I'm just saying I haven't allowed it to be a big deal for me and my adult life. I could choose to let it destroy our relationship but I'm not sure what good would come of that. My father is a troubled man who did things that show that he was troubled - cheating is just one of many. He has apologized to me for his behavior, and I've forgiven him and moved on. My mother was damaged by the things he did, I'm sure, but she was damaged in her own right and was not a great partner. Even as a small child, I could tell that they were not well matched. No one ruined anyone else's life, and I'm not sure how being righteous and hostile advances anyone's interests here. Should I treat my father like a loser for life? Is forgiveness somehow the wrong choice? I choose to believe that there is a better and calmer way that makes everyone involved happier but in no way condones the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read through the pages, but my dad cheated on my mom repeatedly and left her for another woman (shockingly, it didn't work out). As an adult, I really don't think about it and am not hurt by it. He cheated on her, not me. Also, everyone makes mistakes, and there are two sides to every story. I just don't feel like it is my place to judge him too harshly for things he did a long time ago.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP's if your father or mother cheated have you cheated? do you think it makes their kids more likely to cheat since they share usually same personality traits?

Neither of my parents cheated, but they were dysfunctionally and miserably married for at least 13 years before one of my parents died. I cheat because I don't mind being married to my spouse, but I need that safety valve.