Did your parents cheat? How did you feel about it?

[Anonymous]

And if you are a cheater, how do you think your kids feel about it?

My father is a jovial, well respected academic who makes great money, has lots of friends (many of whom overlook his vile womanizing), and checks off many of the boxes that people think makes a man wonderful. He was a serial cheater (probably still is, but that's the second wife's problem now). It was so bad that, even as a kid, I could actually rattle off the names of at least 5 of his mistresses. He didn't know that I knew so much, but my mother did not shield the children from it. In particular, I was her confidant/captive audience, so she would tell me all about the rage she felt. Truth be told, however, even if she hadn't told me, I would have known because some of the mistresses were obvious. Sometimes, I knew before my mother did, because I was a very perceptive child.

One thing I have noticed is that cheaters never seem to think of is how their children perceive them for their infidelity. There is a huge rift in my relationship with my father and he thinks that it is because my mother poisoned me against him. In reality, I don't have a high opinion of my mother either for staying with such an awful husband for so long, so my disdain of my father really is not out of protectiveness towards her. My anger towards him started long before they divorced. As a child, I felt personally betrayed every time another mistress came to light because it was as if he was cheating on our family, trashing the trust we should have been able to have in him. I couldn't show my true feelings because I would be punished for being disrespectful and I also did not have the words as a young child. But I remember just thinking he was a nasty low life.

Was I just a judgmental child or can other posters with unfaithful parents relate? For those who are cheating, how do you think your children feel or will feel if they find out?

[Anonymous]

You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

[Anonymous]

Ha! Yes, my father cheated. He held out for a long long time, but my mother is a psycho bitch, and was emotionally abusive as hell. He and my stepmother are not exactly prizes, but they are fast approaching their 20th wedding anniversary (much longer than either was married to their previous spouses).

BTW - my mother did that "poison the well" crap with my sisters as well - and the damage is clearly not from Dad's cheating, but from the years of hearing my mother spewing vitriol. Your mother did you a terrible disservice by making you a party to one side or the other and using you - a child - as her "confidante". Puke.

How did it affect me? It was a relief - I was hoping it would hasten the divorce, and it did. Looking back as an adult,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

OP - you know, I still feel very personally hurt by it. Because of his actions, my childhood was full of fights between my parents and he ultimately destroyed my family, what was supposed to be my safe place. Now that I am a parent in my own right, I actually feel more contempt for him. If only for the sake of my young child, I would rather leave my marriage honorably than destroy it with sleeping around.

[Anonymous]

what did women see in your father, knowing that he was married? he seems to have been pretty brazen.

[Anonymous]

Ehh, I'm in the unusual spot that my Mom cheated. And actually left home to be with those guy(s) ... when I was like little-- in and out of my life from when I was 6-10. My parents eventually reconciled when my Mom realized she wasn't going to get any spousal support and would only see my brother and I on weekends. My parents are actually coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary this summer, so it all "worked out". I had a lot of anger towards my Mom when I was younger, but it's turned to mostly sadness now that I've had my own kids. I, for the life of me, cannot FATHOM either one of my boys (they are 2 and 4) being in elementary school and my wants and desires outweighing their need of a mom at home. My Dad is kind of, dull... but certainly not abusive/hard to live with, etc. A hardworker and very kind (obviously, since he took that cheatin hoe bag back - lol) so it wasn't like there was another side to the story that I'm missing. They married VERY young (like 19) and my Mom always said she was "sowing her wild oats". Like I said, everyone makes mistakes but I just can't imagine intentionally hurting my kids like she hurt me. It just breaks my heart to think that so many of my issues with trust and relationships (and even food to a certain extent, as I used it as a comfort) could have been entirely avoided had she not been interested in feeling good or happier or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

That is horseshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha! Yes, my father cheated. He held out for a long long time, but my mother is a psycho bitch, and was emotionally abusive as hell. He and my stepmother are not exactly prizes, but they are fast approaching their 20th wedding anniversary (much longer than either was married to their previous spouses).

BTW - my mother did that "poison the well" crap with my sisters as well - and the damage is clearly not from Dad's cheating, but from the years of hearing my mother spewing vitriol. Your mother did you a terrible disservice by making you a party to one side or the other and using you - a child - as her "confidante". Puke.

How did it affect me? It was a relief - I was hoping it would hasten the divorce, and it did. Looking back as an adult,

OP - I, too, was glad when my parents divorced. It was a relief from their constant fights and from always waiting for the other shoe to drop in the form of another mistress coming to light. It sounds as if you feel your mother deserved to be cheated on though, so that probably made your father's cheating easier for you.

[Anonymous]

My father cheated on my mother and I despise him to this day for it. He is dead to me. I haven't said a word to him in decades and he will never see my children.

So think about that if you're thinking about cheating!

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. My arrogant stepfather cheated, and I knew before my mother knew. I came home late one night when my mom was out if town on business and the OW was there. He and OW would bring their respective toddlers to meet up and f*ck; my toddler brother kept talking about these mysterious other people. He was arrogant and remorseless: he and OW ended up getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And if you are a cheater, how do you think your kids feel about it?

My father is a jovial, well respected academic who makes great money, has lots of friends (many of whom overlook his vile womanizing), and checks off many of the boxes that people think makes a man wonderful. He was a serial cheater (probably still is, but that's the second wife's problem now). It was so bad that, even as a kid, I could actually rattle off the names of at least 5 of his mistresses. He didn't know that I knew so much, but my mother did not shield the children from it. In particular, I was her confidant/captive audience, so she would tell me all about the rage she felt. Truth be told, however, even if she hadn't told me, I would have known because some of the mistresses were obvious. Sometimes, I knew before my mother did, because I was a very perceptive child.

One thing I have noticed is that cheaters never seem to think of is how their children perceive them for their infidelity. There is a huge rift in my relationship with my father and he thinks that it is because my mother poisoned me against him. In reality, I don't have a high opinion of my mother either for staying with such an awful husband for so long, so my disdain of my father really is not out of protectiveness towards her. My anger towards him started long before they divorced. As a child, I felt personally betrayed every time another mistress came to light because it was as if he was cheating on our family, trashing the trust we should have been able to have in him. I couldn't show my true feelings because I would be punished for being disrespectful and I also did not have the words as a young child. But I remember just thinking he was a nasty low life.

Was I just a judgmental child or can other posters with unfaithful parents relate? For those who are cheating, how do you think your children feel or will feel if they find out?

What I put in bold...your mother was absolutely wrong and abusive for including you as she did. When it was happening to me while growing up I didn't see that but the fact is that no child should be burdened, whether they feel it is a burden when it's happening or not, with such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

New P - It wasn't fun growing up as the daughter of the town pump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My arrogant stepfather cheated, and I knew before my mother knew. I came home late one night when my mom was out if town on business and the OW was there. He and OW would bring their respective toddlers to meet up and f*ck; my toddler brother kept talking about these mysterious other people. He was arrogant and remorseless: he and OW ended up getting married.

Their toddlers could f*ck? Quite precocious of them...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

That is horseshit.

Howso?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, I'm in the unusual spot that my Mom cheated. And actually left home to be with those guy(s) ... when I was like little-- in and out of my life from when I was 6-10. My parents eventually reconciled when my Mom realized she wasn't going to get any spousal support and would only see my brother and I on weekends. My parents are actually coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary this summer, so it all "worked out". I had a lot of anger towards my Mom when I was younger, but it's turned to mostly sadness now that I've had my own kids. I, for the life of me, cannot FATHOM either one of my boys (they are 2 and 4) being in elementary school and my wants and desires outweighing their need of a mom at home. My Dad is kind of, dull... but certainly not abusive/hard to live with, etc. A hardworker and very kind (obviously, since he took that cheatin hoe bag back - lol) so it wasn't like there was another side to the story that I'm missing. They married VERY young (like 19) and my Mom always said she was "sowing her wild oats". Like I said, everyone makes mistakes but I just can't imagine intentionally hurting my kids like she hurt me. It just breaks my heart to think that so many of my issues with trust and relationships (and even food to a certain extent, as I used it as a comfort) could have been entirely avoided had she not been interested in feeling good or happier or whatever.

OP - what is your relationship with her like now? It doesn't sound as if she is repentant at all. I have a lot of issues too, mostly trust issues, from my father's cheating. He would come home all happy and normal-acting after sleeping around with even close family friends. When someone you love and trust demonstrates such psychopathic behavior, it makes you realize on some level that you never really quite know anyone.