Did your parents cheat? How did you feel about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

That is horseshit.

Howso?

OP - When you destroy your children's home because you can't keep it in your pants, it definitely speaks of disregard for them, at the very least. That has a lot of bearing on your relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And if you are a cheater, how do you think your kids feel about it?

My father is a jovial, well respected academic who makes great money, has lots of friends (many of whom overlook his vile womanizing), and checks off many of the boxes that people think makes a man wonderful. He was a serial cheater (probably still is, but that's the second wife's problem now). It was so bad that, even as a kid, I could actually rattle off the names of at least 5 of his mistresses. He didn't know that I knew so much, but my mother did not shield the children from it. In particular, I was her confidant/captive audience, so she would tell me all about the rage she felt. Truth be told, however, even if she hadn't told me, I would have known because some of the mistresses were obvious. Sometimes, I knew before my mother did, because I was a very perceptive child.

One thing I have noticed is that cheaters never seem to think of is how their children perceive them for their infidelity. There is a huge rift in my relationship with my father and he thinks that it is because my mother poisoned me against him. In reality, I don't have a high opinion of my mother either for staying with such an awful husband for so long, so my disdain of my father really is not out of protectiveness towards her. My anger towards him started long before they divorced. As a child, I felt personally betrayed every time another mistress came to light because it was as if he was cheating on our family, trashing the trust we should have been able to have in him. I couldn't show my true feelings because I would be punished for being disrespectful and I also did not have the words as a young child. But I remember just thinking he was a nasty low life.

Was I just a judgmental child or can other posters with unfaithful parents relate? For those who are cheating, how do you think your children feel or will feel if they find out?

What I put in bold...your mother was absolutely wrong and abusive for including you as she did. When it was happening to me while growing up I didn't see that but the fact is that no child should be burdened, whether they feel it is a burden when it's happening or not, with such.

Yep, she was dead wrong and I resent her actions. But the origin of it all was the man who refused to keep his zipper up. Busting that nut was always more important than giving his marriage a fighting chance, if only for the sake of his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what did women see in your father, knowing that he was married? he seems to have been pretty brazen.

OP - Hell if I know. Well, he had money and could be generous. He was also funny and charming when he wanted to be. For some people, those traits are sufficient for them to overlook the fact that a man or woman is married.

[Anonymous]

My dad cheated on my mom and finally left her for another woman. He completely betrayed all of us (not just her) as he left us all. She handled it gracefully. His actions were unbelievably selfish. He married the other woman and they lead quite a glamorous life of travel and working together. She passed away, but I know he loved his life and didn't regret a thing. None of us are as close with our dad as we are with our mom. He is who he is, and we deal with it. His choice to leave his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

That is horseshit.

Howso?

OP - When you destroy your children's home because you can't keep it in your pants, it definitely speaks of disregard for them, at the very least. That has a lot of bearing on your relationship with them.

I don't know. My mom cheated (with me and my sister in tow) and eventually divorced my dad. What she did was wrong, asking me to keep that kind of secret was bad parenting, and having divorced parents has made my adult life inconvenient, but I don't think she has disregard for our relationship. I think she is a morally flawed person. And I think she is selfish in some ways, but I think we are all.

My bigger issue is having never seen a healthy relationship, I have bad relationship habits in my own marriage. Like I impulsively keep secrets about really stupid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

That is horseshit.

Howso?

OP - When you destroy your children's home because you can't keep it in your pants, it definitely speaks of disregard for them, at the very least. That has a lot of bearing on your relationship with them.

I don't know. My mom cheated (with me and my sister in tow) and eventually divorced my dad. What she did was wrong, asking me to keep that kind of secret was bad parenting, and having divorced parents has made my adult life inconvenient, but I don't think she has disregard for our relationship. I think she is a morally flawed person. And I think she is selfish in some ways, but I think we are all.

My bigger issue is having never seen a healthy relationship, I have bad relationship habits in my own marriage. Like I impulsively keep secrets about really stupid stuff.

You really don't think your mom showed incredible disregard for the impact on you and your sister by bringing you along while she got her back thrown out extramaritally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ehh, I'm in the unusual spot that my Mom cheated. And actually left home to be with those guy(s) ... when I was like little-- in and out of my life from when I was 6-10. My parents eventually reconciled when my Mom realized she wasn't going to get any spousal support and would only see my brother and I on weekends. My parents are actually coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary this summer, so it all "worked out". I had a lot of anger towards my Mom when I was younger, but it's turned to mostly sadness now that I've had my own kids. I, for the life of me, cannot FATHOM either one of my boys (they are 2 and 4) being in elementary school and my wants and desires outweighing their need of a mom at home. My Dad is kind of, dull... but certainly not abusive/hard to live with, etc. A hardworker and very kind (obviously, since he took that cheatin hoe bag back - lol) so it wasn't like there was another side to the story that I'm missing. They married VERY young (like 19) and my Mom always said she was "sowing her wild oats". Like I said, everyone makes mistakes but I just can't imagine intentionally hurting my kids like she hurt me. It just breaks my heart to think that so many of my issues with trust and relationships (and even food to a certain extent, as I used it as a comfort) could have been entirely avoided had she not been interested in feeling good or happier or whatever.

OP - what is your relationship with her like now? It doesn't sound as if she is repentant at all. I have a lot of issues too, mostly trust issues, from my father's cheating. He would come home all happy and normal-acting after sleeping around with even close family friends. When someone you love and trust demonstrates such psychopathic behavior, it makes you realize on some level that you never really quite know anyone.

Kid with cheating Mom here ... our relationship is good, I guess?! She definitely doesn't have any real remorse (that I can tell) and the few times we do talk about it she says things like, "I've said I'm sorry before, it was a horrible time for everyone, you'll never know how awful I feel" ... but I don't know.. it feels sort of, forced? I love her because she's my Mom but I definitely can see where I've been totally brainwashed in parts of my life by the fear of cheating/families breaking up, etc. I do think my parents should have divorced a LONG time ago, but they are together and seem happy now, so I guess maybe they found a way to move past it? I married a guy whose first wife cheated on him, so let's just say that cheating is the most absolute dealbreaker you'd ever see in our house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom and finally left her for another woman. He completely betrayed all of us (not just her) as he left us all. She handled it gracefully. His actions were unbelievably selfish. He married the other woman and they lead quite a glamorous life of travel and working together. She passed away, but I know he loved his life and didn't regret a thing. None of us are as close with our dad as we are with our mom. He is who he is, and we deal with it. His choice to leave his kids.

OP - my father has zero regrets too. I say since he has spent his life making himself happy, he had better have made arrangements for his old age. I am not going to let an aging parent cramp my style, just as he did not let young children cramp his style. I have already told him that he is on his own and had better hope my stepmother takes care of him. My siblings feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

I am fairly certain that my father, who died over ten years ago had at least an emotional affair with a business associate. This further sucked because I went to HS with the OW's son. DW's father cheated in spectacular fashion with the OW and my mother-in-law getting in a fist fight. She will never admit it, but DW cannot trust men because of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

That is horseshit.

Howso?

OP - When you destroy your children's home because you can't keep it in your pants, it definitely speaks of disregard for them, at the very least. That has a lot of bearing on your relationship with them.

I don't know. My mom cheated (with me and my sister in tow) and eventually divorced my dad. What she did was wrong, asking me to keep that kind of secret was bad parenting, and having divorced parents has made my adult life inconvenient, but I don't think she has disregard for our relationship. I think she is a morally flawed person. And I think she is selfish in some ways, but I think we are all.

My bigger issue is having never seen a healthy relationship, I have bad relationship habits in my own marriage. Like I impulsively keep secrets about really stupid stuff.

You really don't think your mom showed incredible disregard for the impact on you and your sister by bringing you along while she got her back thrown out extramaritally?

No, I don't. She was naive and I don't think she realized just how bad her behavior was.

You sound very angry. Are you working with a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fairly certain that my father, who died over ten years ago had at least an emotional affair with a business associate. This further sucked because I went to HS with the OW's son. DW's father cheated in spectacular fashion with the OW and my mother-in-law getting in a fist fight. She will never admit it, but DW cannot trust men because of this.

OP - Did you know at the time that your father was cheating with that person? You are probably right about your wife's inability to trust. I don't trust anyone at all after dealing with a father like mine. It has been advantageous in that many people really are not trustworthy, but it may have also caused me to run off people who would have otherwise been good to me. I am happily married now, but I still find myself secretly checking up on DH, unbeknownst to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

That is horseshit.

Howso?

OP - When you destroy your children's home because you can't keep it in your pants, it definitely speaks of disregard for them, at the very least. That has a lot of bearing on your relationship with them.

I don't know. My mom cheated (with me and my sister in tow) and eventually divorced my dad. What she did was wrong, asking me to keep that kind of secret was bad parenting, and having divorced parents has made my adult life inconvenient, but I don't think she has disregard for our relationship. I think she is a morally flawed person. And I think she is selfish in some ways, but I think we are all.

My bigger issue is having never seen a healthy relationship, I have bad relationship habits in my own marriage. Like I impulsively keep secrets about really stupid stuff.

You really don't think your mom showed incredible disregard for the impact on you and your sister by bringing you along while she got her back thrown out extramaritally?

No, I don't. She was naive and I don't think she realized just how bad her behavior was.

You sound very angry. Are you working with a therapist?

LOL. I was waiting for someone to mention therapy in this thread. People aren't allowed to feel justifiably negative emotions on DCUM. Even if someone punches you in the face and leaves you blind in one eye, you must be zen about it or else you need therapy. Newsflash, people: Hurtful experiences leave people hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fairly certain that my father, who died over ten years ago had at least an emotional affair with a business associate. This further sucked because I went to HS with the OW's son. DW's father cheated in spectacular fashion with the OW and my mother-in-law getting in a fist fight. She will never admit it, but DW cannot trust men because of this.

OP - Did you know at the time that your father was cheating with that person? You are probably right about your wife's inability to trust. I don't trust anyone at all after dealing with a father like mine. It has been advantageous in that many people really are not trustworthy, but it may have also caused me to run off people who would have otherwise been good to me. I am happily married now, but I still find myself secretly checking up on DH, unbeknownst to him.

Oh wow, OP. Find yourself a good therapist before you destroy your marriage. Angry and suspicious is no way to go through life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fairly certain that my father, who died over ten years ago had at least an emotional affair with a business associate. This further sucked because I went to HS with the OW's son. DW's father cheated in spectacular fashion with the OW and my mother-in-law getting in a fist fight. She will never admit it, but DW cannot trust men because of this.

OP - Did you know at the time that your father was cheating with that person? You are probably right about your wife's inability to trust. I don't trust anyone at all after dealing with a father like mine. It has been advantageous in that many people really are not trustworthy, but it may have also caused me to run off people who would have otherwise been good to me. I am happily married now, but I still find myself secretly checking up on DH, unbeknownst to him.

Oh wow, OP. Find yourself a good therapist before you destroy your marriage. Angry and suspicious is no way to go through life.

OP - Um, thanks for characterizing my entire life as "angry and suspicious"? Yup, that's all there is to me. Carry on now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fairly certain that my father, who died over ten years ago had at least an emotional affair with a business associate. This further sucked because I went to HS with the OW's son. DW's father cheated in spectacular fashion with the OW and my mother-in-law getting in a fist fight. She will never admit it, but DW cannot trust men because of this.

OP - Did you know at the time that your father was cheating with that person? You are probably right about your wife's inability to trust. I don't trust anyone at all after dealing with a father like mine. It has been advantageous in that many people really are not trustworthy, but it may have also caused me to run off people who would have otherwise been good to me. I am happily married now, but I still find myself secretly checking up on DH, unbeknownst to him.

My parents tried to shield my sister and me from their issues but I remember overhearing my mother complaining about the attention my father was giving the OW. And it wasn't just one time so I knew something was up. On your last point, I know as a fact that my wife "monitors" me. She had a very active dating life before she met me and to some degree I think it was due to her trying to get approval from men. But hey, we all have baggage, don't we?