Did your parents cheat? How did you feel about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fairly certain that my father, who died over ten years ago had at least an emotional affair with a business associate. This further sucked because I went to HS with the OW's son. DW's father cheated in spectacular fashion with the OW and my mother-in-law getting in a fist fight. She will never admit it, but DW cannot trust men because of this.

OP - Did you know at the time that your father was cheating with that person? You are probably right about your wife's inability to trust. I don't trust anyone at all after dealing with a father like mine. It has been advantageous in that many people really are not trustworthy, but it may have also caused me to run off people who would have otherwise been good to me. I am happily married now, but I still find myself secretly checking up on DH, unbeknownst to him.

My parents tried to shield my sister and me from their issues but I remember overhearing my mother complaining about the attention my father was giving the OW. And it wasn't just one time so I knew something was up. On your last point, I know as a fact that my wife "monitors" me. She had a very active dating life before she met me and to some degree I think it was due to her trying to get approval from men. But hey, we all have baggage, don't we?

In what way does she monitor you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You realize now as an adult that your father's cheating had nothing to do with his relationship with you, right?

That is horseshit.

Howso?

OP - When you destroy your children's home because you can't keep it in your pants, it definitely speaks of disregard for them, at the very least. That has a lot of bearing on your relationship with them.

I don't know. My mom cheated (with me and my sister in tow) and eventually divorced my dad. What she did was wrong, asking me to keep that kind of secret was bad parenting, and having divorced parents has made my adult life inconvenient, but I don't think she has disregard for our relationship. I think she is a morally flawed person. And I think she is selfish in some ways, but I think we are all.

My bigger issue is having never seen a healthy relationship, I have bad relationship habits in my own marriage. Like I impulsively keep secrets about really stupid stuff.

You really don't think your mom showed incredible disregard for the impact on you and your sister by bringing you along while she got her back thrown out extramaritally?

No, I don't. She was naive and I don't think she realized just how bad her behavior was.

You sound very angry. Are you working with a therapist?

LOL. I was waiting for someone to mention therapy in this thread. People aren't allowed to feel justifiably negative emotions on DCUM. Even if someone punches you in the face and leaves you blind in one eye, you must be zen about it or else you need therapy. Newsflash, people: Hurtful experiences leave people hurt.

Yeah but people don't have to STAY hurt and wallow in anger. It doesn't do anyone any good. OP could definitely benefit from some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fairly certain that my father, who died over ten years ago had at least an emotional affair with a business associate. This further sucked because I went to HS with the OW's son. DW's father cheated in spectacular fashion with the OW and my mother-in-law getting in a fist fight. She will never admit it, but DW cannot trust men because of this.

OP - Did you know at the time that your father was cheating with that person? You are probably right about your wife's inability to trust. I don't trust anyone at all after dealing with a father like mine. It has been advantageous in that many people really are not trustworthy, but it may have also caused me to run off people who would have otherwise been good to me. I am happily married now, but I still find myself secretly checking up on DH, unbeknownst to him.

My parents tried to shield my sister and me from their issues but I remember overhearing my mother complaining about the attention my father was giving the OW. And it wasn't just one time so I knew something was up. On your last point, I know as a fact that my wife "monitors" me. She had a very active dating life before she met me and to some degree I think it was due to her trying to get approval from men. But hey, we all have baggage, don't we?

In what way does she monitor you?

I consult for a living so my hours are irregular and travel about 1/3 of the time. Know she reads my email - we have a shared computer and just little things like I will call her if I am at a restaurant waiting for dinner, yet she will ring my phone a couple of hours later for no apparent reason. She will also sometimes give me a look if I talk to another woman, even if it is harmless small talk.

[Anonymous]

My mom cheated on my father, but I didn't find out about it until I was an adult. They divorced when I was 12. It was a trifecta of awful for me: 12 years old and dealing with hormones, a new town/school and my parents getting divorced.

My father is emotionally volatile. In any given situation, you cannot predict whether he will respond like a rational adult or an unreasonable child. He is prone to take offense at minor slights, even when they are completely ridiculous. When DD was born, he came to visit and was offended that she cried when he held her and was comforted when I nursed her. OFFENDED. At a 2 month old baby. He has mellowed a bit with age, but he processed their divorce very poorly - venting to us, trash talking our mom, etc. He also tried to sue for sole custody because he didn't want to pay child support.

Those emotional responses and actions make a little more sense to me now that I am aware of the way my mother betrayed his trust, but my understanding of his feelings does not make the way he handled his feelings responsible or correct. Our relationship is pretty good on paper, but we only see each other about once a year and it's strained every time. He had one serious relationship after the divorce, with a much younger woman who left him when she realized that he did not want to have any more children. He has not been in any romantic relationships since then that I am aware of.

My relationship with my mom, on the other hand, is and has always been close. She was very ashamed to tell me about her affair. Did not tell me who it was or if it was someone I knew as a child. In the end, she told me that it was a wake up call for her to get divorced and get into therapy before she did something even more self-destructive. She has been happily married to someone else for 10 years.

[Anonymous]

I was little when my Dad left us for the other woman. I didn't think it bothered me much. But, when I had kids of my own, I found myself very angry at my Dad. When I thought about him abandoning me (which didn't faze me that much), in a way, it became him abandoning my son (which pissed me off something awful.)

So, clearly, I have some kind of previously suppressed anger going on still 40 years after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father cheated on my mother and I despise him to this day for it. He is dead to me. I haven't said a word to him in decades and he will never see my children.

So think about that if you're thinking about cheating!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My arrogant stepfather cheated, and I knew before my mother knew. I came home late one night when my mom was out if town on business and the OW was there. He and OW would bring their respective toddlers to meet up and f*ck; my toddler brother kept talking about these mysterious other people. He was arrogant and remorseless: he and OW ended up getting married.

Their toddlers could f*ck? Quite precocious of them...

Oh my gosh, you know what I mean, smart aleck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father cheated on my mother and I despise him to this day for it. He is dead to me. I haven't said a word to him in decades and he will never see my children.

So think about that if you're thinking about cheating!

It wouldn't kill you to talk to a professional either.
You never know all of the ins and outs of someone else's relationship, even your parents. Maybe your father is worthy of being despised... But maybe he isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't. She was naive and I don't think she realized just how bad her behavior was.

Oh fer chrissake what planet did she grow up on that she didn't realize ADULTERY was bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom cheated on my father, but I didn't find out about it until I was an adult. They divorced when I was 12. It was a trifecta of awful for me: 12 years old and dealing with hormones, a new town/school and my parents getting divorced.

My father is emotionally volatile. In any given situation, you cannot predict whether he will respond like a rational adult or an unreasonable child. He is prone to take offense at minor slights, even when they are completely ridiculous. When DD was born, he came to visit and was offended that she cried when he held her and was comforted when I nursed her. OFFENDED. At a 2 month old baby. He has mellowed a bit with age, but he processed their divorce very poorly - venting to us, trash talking our mom, etc. He also tried to sue for sole custody because he didn't want to pay child support.

Those emotional responses and actions make a little more sense to me now that I am aware of the way my mother betrayed his trust, but my understanding of his feelings does not make the way he handled his feelings responsible or correct. Our relationship is pretty good on paper, but we only see each other about once a year and it's strained every time. He had one serious relationship after the divorce, with a much younger woman who left him when she realized that he did not want to have any more children. He has not been in any romantic relationships since then that I am aware of.

My relationship with my mom, on the other hand, is and has always been close. She was very ashamed to tell me about her affair. Did not tell me who it was or if it was someone I knew as a child. In the end, she told me that it was a wake up call for her to get divorced and get into therapy before she did something even more self-destructive. She has been happily married to someone else for 10 years.

I feel sorry for your father. Sees his wife cheat, marry again, and has not moved on to someone else. It's sad even if it is mostly his fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was little when my Dad left us for the other woman. I didn't think it bothered me much. But, when I had kids of my own, I found myself very angry at my Dad. When I thought about him abandoning me (which didn't faze me that much), in a way, it became him abandoning my son (which pissed me off something awful.)

Yes. I had exactly the same experience. Didn't think it bothered me that my Dad left us for another woman - until I had children of my own. Then the thought of my own kids experiencing that abandonment really pissed me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know all of the ins and outs of someone else's relationship, even your parents. Maybe your father is worthy of being despised... But maybe he isn't.

Oh I am quite sure he is worth despising, based on what my siblings (who do still talk to him and deal with his bullshit) tell me. Most of them also despise him, though there is one who is always ready to make excuses for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And if you are a cheater, how do you think your kids feel about it?

My father is a jovial, well respected academic who makes great money, has lots of friends (many of whom overlook his vile womanizing), and checks off many of the boxes that people think makes a man wonderful. He was a serial cheater (probably still is, but that's the second wife's problem now). It was so bad that, even as a kid, I could actually rattle off the names of at least 5 of his mistresses. He didn't know that I knew so much, but my mother did not shield the children from it. In particular, I was her confidant/captive audience, so she would tell me all about the rage she felt. Truth be told, however, even if she hadn't told me, I would have known because some of the mistresses were obvious. Sometimes, I knew before my mother did, because I was a very perceptive child.

One thing I have noticed is that cheaters never seem to think of is how their children perceive them for their infidelity. There is a huge rift in my relationship with my father and he thinks that it is because my mother poisoned me against him. In reality, I don't have a high opinion of my mother either for staying with such an awful husband for so long, so my disdain of my father really is not out of protectiveness towards her. My anger towards him started long before they divorced. As a child, I felt personally betrayed every time another mistress came to light because it was as if he was cheating on our family, trashing the trust we should have been able to have in him. I couldn't show my true feelings because I would be punished for being disrespectful and I also did not have the words as a young child. But I remember just thinking he was a nasty low life.

Was I just a judgmental child or can other posters with unfaithful parents relate? For those who are cheating, how do you think your children feel or will feel if they find out?

What I put in bold...your mother was absolutely wrong and abusive for including you as she did. When it was happening to me while growing up I didn't see that but the fact is that no child should be burdened, whether they feel it is a burden when it's happening or not, with such.

Yep, she was dead wrong and I resent her actions. But the origin of it all was the man who refused to keep his zipper up. Busting that nut was always more important than giving his marriage a fighting chance, if only for the sake of his children.

Best thing for you, forgive them both and move on. What's happening now is you are still paying for his, and her, choices and will continue to do so until you resolve your anger and hurt. The only way to do that is to forgive. Worked for me and I hope it will for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom cheated on my father, but I didn't find out about it until I was an adult. They divorced when I was 12. It was a trifecta of awful for me: 12 years old and dealing with hormones, a new town/school and my parents getting divorced.

My father is emotionally volatile. In any given situation, you cannot predict whether he will respond like a rational adult or an unreasonable child. He is prone to take offense at minor slights, even when they are completely ridiculous. When DD was born, he came to visit and was offended that she cried when he held her and was comforted when I nursed her. OFFENDED. At a 2 month old baby. He has mellowed a bit with age, but he processed their divorce very poorly - venting to us, trash talking our mom, etc. He also tried to sue for sole custody because he didn't want to pay child support.

Those emotional responses and actions make a little more sense to me now that I am aware of the way my mother betrayed his trust, but my understanding of his feelings does not make the way he handled his feelings responsible or correct. Our relationship is pretty good on paper, but we only see each other about once a year and it's strained every time. He had one serious relationship after the divorce, with a much younger woman who left him when she realized that he did not want to have any more children. He has not been in any romantic relationships since then that I am aware of.

My relationship with my mom, on the other hand, is and has always been close. She was very ashamed to tell me about her affair. Did not tell me who it was or if it was someone I knew as a child. In the end, she told me that it was a wake up call for her to get divorced and get into therapy before she did something even more self-destructive. She has been happily married to someone else for 10 years.

I feel sorry for your father. Sees his wife cheat, marry again, and has not moved on to someone else. It's sad even if it is mostly his fault.

I feel sorry for my father for lots of reasons, but this is not one of them. I personally do not believe that they should ever have married in the first place. I was the oops baby that caused what would otherwise have been a short term relationship into a marriage between two people who ultimately were not personally compatible. I literally cannot think of one thing my parents have in common other than their progressive social politics. I cannot imagine them married at this stage of their lives, with all 3 children adults out of the house. Moreover, he had plenty of opportunity in the last 25 years to meet an age-appropriate woman and marry her. He has chosen not to do that, for whatever reasons.

Mostly, I am happy that my mom is happy. My understanding from her was that she spent many years being very unhappy in her marriage. I am glad that she has been able to experience a positive marital relationship in her later years. Also, she married someone awesome, so that is a plus as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't. She was naive and I don't think she realized just how bad her behavior was.

Oh fer chrissake what planet did she grow up on that she didn't realize ADULTERY was bad?

I'm sure she knew adultery was bad, and understood the consequences for her marriage. I don't think she understood the consequences for her children. But I think those consequences would exist for the children of any failed marriage. OP is hyperfocused on marriages that fail because of adultery. All failed marriages have negative consequences for children.