Did your parents cheat? How did you feel about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't. She was naive and I don't think she realized just how bad her behavior was.

Oh fer chrissake what planet did she grow up on that she didn't realize ADULTERY was bad?

I'm sure she knew adultery was bad, and understood the consequences for her marriage. I don't think she understood the consequences for her children. But I think those consequences would exist for the children of any failed marriage. OP is hyperfocused on marriages that fail because of adultery. All failed marriages have negative consequences for children.

I think that the reason OP and others fixate on the damage done to children by adultery is that adultery is perceived as being a purely selfish action - a parent acting inappropriately for their own gratification. In the minds of many, parents are not supposed to do that. They are supposed to prioritize happiness and stability for their children at all costs, even at the expense of their own personal happiness.

I do not personally agree with this philosophy. I am not pro-adultery, but I also believe that parents have lives and feelings and needs separate from their children. Those needs and feelings do not go away simply because someone has children. I do not, for example, see the parent who cheats as being any more damaging than the parent who uses her child as a therapist. Both of those things are an inappropriate expression of emotional closeness and both can be incredibly damaging for a child.

I posted at 16:30, am the child of a woman who cheated and a man who used his children to vent his emotions during the divorce. Obviously people should do their best to be good people who lead fulfilling lives, but the expectation that parents should allow their children's needs to completely supersede their own is damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't. She was naive and I don't think she realized just how bad her behavior was.

Oh fer chrissake what planet did she grow up on that she didn't realize ADULTERY was bad?

I'm sure she knew adultery was bad, and understood the consequences for her marriage. I don't think she understood the consequences for her children. But I think those consequences would exist for the children of any failed marriage. OP is hyperfocused on marriages that fail because of adultery. All failed marriages have negative consequences for children.

I think that the reason OP and others fixate on the damage done to children by adultery is that adultery is perceived as being a purely selfish action - a parent acting inappropriately for their own gratification. In the minds of many, parents are not supposed to do that. They are supposed to prioritize happiness and stability for their children at all costs, even at the expense of their own personal happiness.

I do not personally agree with this philosophy. I am not pro-adultery, but I also believe that parents have lives and feelings and needs separate from their children. Those needs and feelings do not go away simply because someone has children. I do not, for example, see the parent who cheats as being any more damaging than the parent who uses her child as a therapist. Both of those things are an inappropriate expression of emotional closeness and both can be incredibly damaging for a child.

I posted at 16:30, am the child of a woman who cheated and a man who used his children to vent his emotions during the divorce. Obviously people should do their best to be good people who lead fulfilling lives, but the expectation that parents should allow their children's needs to completely supersede their own is damaging.

Not PP, but I agree with this 100%

[Anonymous]

My father cheated. It was an open secret in our small town for years. My parents finally divorced when I was 12 (and I know the affair was going on at least since I was 3, and quite possible before I was born.)
My siblings have no relationship with my father due mainly to his cheating and leaving his family (and his inability to recognize that his cheating should have any impact on our lives whatsoever.)
I have a relationship with him, what many would say is a good one. I have chosen to recognize that he is a flawed human being, like all of us, and look past his cheating. However, I don't ever think of him without acknowledging what he did (which included ruining my mother's life, which is another side of it altogether.)

[Anonymous]

My father left our family for his current wife, 20 years ago. My siblings and I were upset that he left, especially when my mother's alcoholism became apparent and she would continually bad mouth my father and step mother. We were upset that we we're the with my dysfunctional mother. Eventually he apologized and we all have a fair to good relationship with him. None of us have a relationship with our mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the expectation that parents should allow their children's needs to completely supersede their own is damaging.

Bullshit. Putting your kids needs before your own is called "being a parent" and "being an adult".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the expectation that parents should allow their children's needs to completely supersede their own is damaging.

Bullshit. Putting your kids needs before your own is called "being a parent" and "being an adult".

Also, if you are still eating and clothing yourself, your children's needs aren't completely superseding your own. Keeping your dick in your pants is only partially superseding your "needs."

[Anonymous]

Haven't read through the pages, but my dad cheated on my mom repeatedly and left her for another woman (shockingly, it didn't work out). As an adult, I really don't think about it and am not hurt by it. He cheated on her, not me. Also, everyone makes mistakes, and there are two sides to every story. I just don't feel like it is my place to judge him too harshly for things he did a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

To the PP's if your father or mother cheated have you cheated? do you think it makes their kids more likely to cheat since they share usually same personality traits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP's if your father or mother cheated have you cheated? do you think it makes their kids more likely to cheat since they share usually same personality traits?

I haven't. Being scarred by my Dad's oath-breaking, faithlessness made loyalty a big deal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read through the pages, but my dad cheated on my mom repeatedly and left her for another woman (shockingly, it didn't work out). As an adult, I really don't think about it and am not hurt by it. He cheated on her, not me. Also, everyone makes mistakes, and there are two sides to every story. I just don't feel like it is my place to judge him too harshly for things he did a long time ago.

Yeah destroying a family and ruining your mom's life isn't a big deal. what's worse....murder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the expectation that parents should allow their children's needs to completely supersede their own is damaging.

Bullshit. Putting your kids needs before your own is called "being a parent" and "being an adult".

Also, if you are still eating and clothing yourself, your children's needs aren't completely superseding your own. Keeping your dick in your pants is only partially superseding your "needs."

And does cheating really qualify as a NEED. Some couples do need to get divorced. Some couples need to have open/non-traditional relationships. But I've yet to be convinced by a cheater who claimed that cheating was a necessity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the expectation that parents should allow their children's needs to completely supersede their own is damaging.

Bullshit. Putting your kids needs before your own is called "being a parent" and "being an adult".

Doing it to your detriment is called being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

What about monogamish relationships? My DW and I are open and take other partners into our bed and it is not the business of our children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven't read through the pages, but my dad cheated on my mom repeatedly and left her for another woman (shockingly, it didn't work out). As an adult, I really don't think about it and am not hurt by it. He cheated on her, not me. Also, everyone makes mistakes, and there are two sides to every story. I just don't feel like it is my place to judge him too harshly for things he did a long time ago.

Yeah destroying a family and ruining your mom's life isn't a big deal. what's worse....murder?

When did she say her mom's life was ruined? Him leaving could've freed her up to find a better match for herself. Let's please not beat up on this poster for refusing to be traumatized by what happened in her parents marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about monogamish relationships? My DW and I are open and take other partners into our bed and it is not the business of our children.

they will eventually know of your fetishes and will then think it's ok to break oaths when married.