not so subtle weight comments from DH ruining my vacation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Did your vows say, "Till death or fat do us part?"

Did you disclose your refusal to love and respect her if her body shape would change?

Have you ever actually observed, say, human beings to see how people typically age? What percentage of people look as attractive after 30 years? Why would you marry someone for life assuming they would look even remotely the same after decades?

No my vows did not say that. But loss of physical attraction causes a marriage to deteriorate over time, and the spouse who chooses to get fat needs to know their role in the situation. Intimacy slows down. Resentments build. You begin to notice that dreamy new person at work.

Aging is 100% unavoidable, but getting fat is 100% avoidable. Don't confuse the things about our appearance that cannot be controlled versus those that can.

It is quite reasonable to think that if you marry somebody who is thin and exercises regularly, this person would continue to want to remain thin and to exercise after 30 years.

Actually, it's not all that reasonable. Because after creating 3 humans from scratch and going through menopause, pretty much all bodies change. You may be thin, but you still have wrinkles and your face looks old.

Pigs like you use any excuse. How disgusting!

You keep equating fatness with age. Wrong!
Of course bodies change from age, that is inevitable! Wrinkles and such are not within one's own control.
But fatness absolutely is NOT inevitable, it is a choice.
Pigs like me use any excuse for what?
I stay physically active (and thin/fit) despite my age, and I'm disgusting because I expect some level of similar effort, some modest degree of self-care, some continued attempt to remain age-appropriately attractive, from my partner?

I think the point is that we all get older. You can stay physically active/thin and still get wrinkles, stretch marks, sag. Aging does unattractive things to all of us. A marriage based mostly on physical attraction (fat or slim) is probably not going to make it in the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That's actually not reasonable. People change, priorities change. Typically, over 30 years, people have children and get involved in their communities and their priorities and focus widen from a preoccupation with self and appearance to a concern about others and the wider community. That is typical, not being as interested in fitness and thinness in your 60's than you were in your 20's. If you have stayed as self-focused that is interesting but it is far, fr from the norm. As for fatness being 100% preventable, it is typically only preventable in women if a person has a unique metabolism or I'd they become MORE interested in maintaining thinness over time. It has to be more of a focus not less, because the aging process in healthy women typically adds more adipose tissue. This is self-protective and healthy, as the survival rate for illnesses late on life such as cancers is much higher for slightly overweight people.

I'm trying to be reasonable, though, and it's probably just a waste of time. I sense that no argument would break you of your belief that fatness is a justification for OP's spouse's behavior since you think it is justification for breaking vows.

It is not a "preoccupation with self and appearance" to just eat a balanced number of calories to remain at an attractive weight.
How much "work" is it to order the small instead of the large?
How much effort to eat half the bowl and throw the rest away?
It is absolutely reasonable that even in a long term marriage both partners should prioritize looking attractive regardless of age.
Fatness is a choice for either women or men. Stop making excuses. Eat less and Do more = Lose weight. Simple and 100% effective.

[Anonymous]

He has no right to dictate to you how you should eat.

On one hand, you can look at it that he loves you and wants you around for a long time so he is trying to make sure you keep your weight in check because as we all know, being overweight is a pre-cursor for many illnesses down the road like diabetes, heart disease, cancer, stroke, etc.

Yet on the other hand, if you feel his intentions are more selfish and he is mocking you vs. trying to help you, then you have every right to be upset.

If that is the case, try speaking to him about it. Let him know how much it hurts you when he talks to you like that. Perhaps he has no idea that it does.

Men can be so clueless at times.

Hopefully once he sees how painful his comments are, he will cease to make them.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am afraid to tell him because it will open the door to him truly insulting me and I don't think I can take it.

Tell him. If he truly insults you, end the vacation and go home. It's not acceptable for your spouse to treat you like that, regardless of how fat you are. Let him know that. Do not allow him to treat you this way, which is essentially what you're doing if you don't stand up for yourself. Sorry this is happening to you

I agree. And I hate when people say "Well if you don't want to be made fun of or picked on for being fat then slim down." No. Unacceptable. Nobody deserves to be shamed for their body. OP tell him to cut it the fuck out. Right now. Before dinner. His doing this only makes you feel bad, it does not "help." If he wants to help he needs to ASK you what would be helpful. Watch the kids while you go to the gym? Get you a trainer? Clean the house so you can have the money for a gym membership? I'm sorry your husband is an asshole about this.

+100!

Vacation is NOT THE TIME to worry about calorie intake. Plus you have a 9 month old!

Tell your DH to STFU and let you enjoy your vacation and you can discuss a "get healthy" plan post-vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
That's actually not reasonable. People change, priorities change. Typically, over 30 years, people have children and get involved in their communities and their priorities and focus widen from a preoccupation with self and appearance to a concern about others and the wider community. That is typical, not being as interested in fitness and thinness in your 60's than you were in your 20's. If you have stayed as self-focused that is interesting but it is far, fr from the norm. As for fatness being 100% preventable, it is typically only preventable in women if a person has a unique metabolism or I'd they become MORE interested in maintaining thinness over time. It has to be more of a focus not less, because the aging process in healthy women typically adds more adipose tissue. This is self-protective and healthy, as the survival rate for illnesses late on life such as cancers is much higher for slightly overweight people.

I'm trying to be reasonable, though, and it's probably just a waste of time. I sense that no argument would break you of your belief that fatness is a justification for OP's spouse's behavior since you think it is justification for breaking vows.

It is not a "preoccupation with self and appearance" to just eat a balanced number of calories to remain at an attractive weight.
How much "work" is it to order the small instead of the large?
How much effort to eat half the bowl and throw the rest away?
It is absolutely reasonable that even in a long term marriage both partners should prioritize looking attractive regardless of age.
Fatness is a choice for either women or men. Stop making excuses. Eat less and Do more = Lose weight. Simple and 100% effective.

Most women put on 10 to 20 pounds after menopause even if they are eating the same.

Dieting is a whole different ball game then. Stop trying to justify you shallow outlook. 30 or 40 pronouns should not be a deal breaker in any long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Pounds, not pronouns..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am afraid to tell him because it will open the door to him truly insulting me and I don't think I can take it.

Has he always been that harsh?

How about this- tell him you know you have some weight to lose but gee you did just have a baby. That you were looking forward to your trip very much and you would like him to go on a "freeze" from mentioning weight, calories, etc...the ENTIRE time you are on vacation together as its a spoiler BUT that once you get home, you are fully aware to watch the calories, and that you will be doing just that. I would think thats a reasonable approach even though I would want to spit bullets at him lol.

Hope you can manage to have a great time, its all about relaxation and calm!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most women put on 10 to 20 pounds after menopause even if they are eating the same.

Dieting is a whole different ball game then. Stop trying to justify you shallow outlook. 30 or 40 pronouns should not be a deal breaker in any long term relationship.

Aparently then, most women are not disciplined enough to adjust their caloric intact to avoid this weight gain.
Yet I am constantly seeing plenty of women who do care about staying active and eating right and remain thin.
Sorry but 30 or 40 pounds is just not sexy. It shows laziness and is completely unattractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most women put on 10 to 20 pounds after menopause even if they are eating the same.

Dieting is a whole different ball game then. Stop trying to justify you shallow outlook. 30 or 40 pronouns should not be a deal breaker in any long term relationship.

Aparently then, most women are not disciplined enough to adjust their caloric intact to avoid this weight gain.
Yet I am constantly seeing plenty of women who do care about staying active and eating right and remain thin.
Sorry but 30 or 40 pounds is just not sexy. It shows laziness and is completely unattractive.

God you are impossible. Your poor wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am afraid to tell him because it will open the door to him truly insulting me and I don't think I can take it.

You're afraid to communicate openly with your husband, and that's understandable because he's a bully. What you tell of him paints a very clear picture of him. The guy's emotionally abusive and the constant litany about calories is passive-aggressive.

You must think hard about whether that's how you want you live your life. Especially for your children. Especially if you have girls. Think long and hard about what happens if a daughter of yours is not stick-think and wants some calorie-rich food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:See here is the problem: you weren't fat back when he became attracted to you. Long term, the odds are poor for a marriage between a self accepting fat person and a partner who finds fatness unattractive. I certainly have lost attraction for my spouse who is over 45 pounds bigger than when we met and were married.

So if a guy loses his hair over the years, is it okay for his wife to dump him because she finds bald men unattractive?

Well the big difference is that hair loss is not within his control whereas weight control is 100% within her power.
Nonetheless, if she seriously is not attracted to his unavoidable hair loss, then she should clearly tell him and ask him to explore options for "treating" hair loss. If he refuses and she is just plain in attracted, then Yes she should leave him.

You have no idea of how the human body works. You bought the diet industry's line and swallowed it whole.

Educate yourself.

OP, don't listen to this idiot.

[Anonymous]

Hold your horses!
Point me to the post where OP repeats her husband's criticisms.
I didn't see them, and can't get behind all these pages of comments that go off on the husband without knowing what comments he made.

[Anonymous]

It's not acceptable for your spouse to belittle and insult you. EVER. However, to those who seem to think a spouse should suck it up when a previously thin partners packs on the pounds, I'm guessing you're the one who packed on the pounds. I would not be happy if my trim hubs got fat, and he would not be happy if fit me did the same. You have a responsibility to stay attractive for each other (within whatever the two of you consider attractive of course, every couple different.) Frankly I'm appalled by the number of women I know who seem to think getting married and having kids is an excuse to fall apart physically, not just in terms of weight but wearing slovenly clothes, hair never tidy, etc. I mean if you truly don't care anymore do what you've got to do but don't complain when your partner loses interest.

And there are plenty of moms of three with jobs who stay at a manageable weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Solid responses to cruel comments:

"Why don't you go fuck yourself? No, really. You should get another room and leave me alone."

"Really? Other guys find me hot."

"Check yourself. I'm not going to be spoken to like that."

"Thanks, Richard Simmons. I don't need your diet advice."

+1

"Well, I can lose weight, but you can't change ugly."

[Anonymous]

I am afraid to tell him because it will open the door to him truly insulting me and I don't think I can take it.

I'm concerned about what you mean here. Do you mean he would say something along the lines of "you've put on 20 lbs, and I was more attracted to you before," or something along the lines of "you're a fatass?"