How to talk race and diversity with a preschooler?
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Anonymous
No one said having a black friend means you aren't racist. I was encouraging the OP to use her child's black friend as an example in how to think about race and equality, as a way of making the child see that skin color doesn't determine who the person is. The fact that you totally misread that I think shows that you are assuming we are all speaking from a bad place. I also never suggested that the reason to not just shut down the kid's comments was out of worry for his feelings. The concern here is not just teaching a child to not say hurtful things, we all want the child not to THINK those things either. My arguments have been about getting to that goal successfully. |
Anonymous
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White woman married 26 years to AA man with 4 kids.
First, I would ask my child where the whole light and dark skin issue is coming from. It is coming from someone, and your child is old enough to tell you. Secondly, most white kids don't say "dark" or "light" skin color. They say "white" or "black." AA people do use "light" and "dark" skin tone to make judgements on physical attractiveness and desirability. Have you thougt that perhaps AA children are using those words and your child is picking it up from them? I would def ask my child where those judgements on skin color are coming from. |
Anonymous
What exactly makes me sanctimonious, but not you? You jumped all over the other posters who said that you need to be clear and firm when telling kids about how "not" to talk about/refer to other people. As if telling them "No, you don't say you Matt is "fat" " is somehow going to scar little Johnny. Or that by saying that, you are not also going further and actively teaching them empathy. You were quite upset that other posters were very clear about telling their kids that behaviour is wrong. But I am somehow sanctimonious? |
Anonymous
Great point. It will be easier to address if you know where this is coming from. |
Anonymous
OP don't stress about finding the best book that explains and illustrates the intricacies of race and diversity and don't stress about trying to follow the specific steps most recommended by child psychologists to open the discussion about race and diversity...just start the friggin conversation already. It's not going to be a one-time-and-all-taken-care-of-talk --- not if you want any genuine results that is. It's going to be an ongoing two-way conversation between you and your child where sometimes you answer his questions and sometimes you take a moment to point out microaggressions he may not notice. It's going to be an ongoing two-way conversation between you and your child where sometimes he's expressing his own opinions and sometimes you take a moment to explaining your own implicit biases. Much like parenting as a whole there is no specific script and there is no surefire method, but also just like parenting as a whole you are the key. It's not about what some author says, its not about what the Top-10-Tips in some magazine are...its about you. It's about your love and your support and your presence and your guidance and your diligence toward raising your child to become an objective, inclusive, and respectful adult. |
Anonymous
1) 10:37 said this: "This kid has friends and role models who aren't white. He's not about to launch a hate campaign. " I don't know if you are 10:37, but that is the comment I was referring to 2) No one said anything about anyone coming from a "bad place" 3) Exactly what have I been saying that does not indicate a strategy or desire to successfully get to the goal of raising kids who are not racist? 4) How is telling a child that there are certain things we do not say preclude successfully teaching them to not be racist???? Please to explain? |
Anonymous
I think that you are right about starting the conversation, but I think it is also important to read up on racism and the politics of color. Sometimes, as adults you do not realize how the things we do and say and systems from which we benefit can sometimes marginalize/generalize the people we are trying to be considerate of . In other words, do some self-educating on the topic because we don't always realize and recognize our own insensitivities and prejudices, even tho that is not our intention. |
Anonymous
| 12:11, on 4, if the kid learns he can't say those things to you, the parent, but he keeps thinking them, then we have a serious problem. If she can't have an ongoing dialogue with him about these ideas she won't be able to ensure he's gotten to the truth of equality. That's why a number of us are counseling against being so emphatic that you shame the kid into silence with his mother, who is the only person to whom he seems to have made these remarks. |
Anonymous
what her son said goes beyond categorizing. He specifically said he will not play with a child if they have dark skin. So yes her son is displaying racist behavior. If you think that is not racist, then I don't know what else to say to you. |
Anonymous
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White parent here. When we talk about skin color we say lighter and darker. I've never actually said "white" or "black" because those aren't accurate descriptions. My DH has dark olive skin and I'm super pale so we have a lot of shades in our family alone. That made it easier to extend to other people. Sometimes skin is lighter, sometimes darker. No big deal.
We can get into ethnicities and cultural differences as my kids become aware of them. When they were very little they just talked about the differences they could see. |
Anonymous
This is not true. I'm AA and I use light and dark simply as a physical descriptor. It has nothing to do with attractiveness or desirability. Some may think one is more desirable, but simply saying someone is dark or light has nothing to with any of what you said. |
Anonymous
+1 to all of this. 9 times out of 10 when my child has said something like this it came from someone at school. These times serve as an opportunity to say "some people think X, but we do not, and it is wrong to judge people based on where they live, what they look like, their abilities, their religion, etc." We make it very clear that we will not abide such judgmental talk or discriminatory behavior in our house. You have to lead by example and you can do that by being matter of fact, not by shaming. You want your child to talk to you so you can share your values - not shut them down with shame or punishment. |
Anonymous
HUH? I don't get the idea of telling someone "that's not how we talk about people", "that's not what we say about people" is shaming a kid. ESPECIALLY, when all along I, and other posters, have said it is part of an ongoing dialogue and education. That just seems very off to me. I tell my kids all sorts of stuff that we do not do, and teach them what and how to do the right thing. There is no shame involved. Where in the world did the shame come in? |
Anonymous
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That's great, but try raising 4 biracial kids. The lines of black and white aren't so subtle to most of the outside world, on both sides of the coin.
Just saw an article this am that Michelle Obama's mom had concerns about her daughter marrying a biracial man. Google it, I am a Luddite and can't post well. What happens outside of our homes is not controllable in many cases. |
Anonymous
OH MY GOOODNESS PEOPLE WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT SHAMING THEIR KIDS -- WHO - WHO SAID IT PLEASE -- WHO SAID IT?? |