How to talk race and diversity with a preschooler?

[Anonymous]

He may be getting it from another kid in his class. My 4 year old has never mentioned anything about race but I do notice she says things that I never say. Nothing bad but just things I can tell she has probably picked up from other kids at school. Racism is a learned behavior so he is picking it up from someone. Maybe another family member made a comment?

But you do need to talk with him and tell him what racism is and that it is wrong and hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Not talking to your kids about race is white privilege. Pretending we are "all the same" is privilege, not least because it is just plain false. People of color are not treated the same in this country--even as kids.

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/17/opinion/a-conversation-with-my-black-son.html?smid=fb-share

Talk to your kid. Be clear, straightforward and do not gloss over what race means, especially what it means when people judge based on it. Kids understand fair and not fair very young. Start there, and don't stop talking.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a really good post and has great information about this topic.

http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/01/how-to-talk-to-kids-about-race-and.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

If you do this to a 3.5 year old, the kid will stop sharing his weird thoughts but won't stop having them. If your goal is to raise a loving, reasonable person who can see that skin color is not relevant to a person's worth, you won't freak out on the kid. That's the worst thing you can do.

Oh, and to the hate speech poster. Get a grip. Preschoolers sometimes say they don't like any kid who is a boy or who is a girl. That doesn't make them inherent sexists. This kid has friends and role models who aren't white. He's not about to launch a hate campaign. He's apparently heard an adult or an older child say something terrible and he's trying to figure it out. He does want to know how his parents will react to his statements but screaming at him won't help. My white kindergartener, and many other young children, is so confused by the idea that anyone ever would or ever has treated people differently based on their skin that he keeps trying to figure out why. It makes no sense to him because it is nonsensical. The OP's young child isn't evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may be getting it from another kid in his class. My 4 year old has never mentioned anything about race but I do notice she says things that I never say. Nothing bad but just things I can tell she has probably picked up from other kids at school. Racism is a learned behavior so he is picking it up from someone. Maybe another family member made a comment?

But you do need to talk with him and tell him what racism is and that it is wrong and hurtful.

Racism may be learned but categorizing things by color is very normal and natural. Just because kids are noticing color or even saying things that sound racist doesn't mean they necessarily picked it up from someone else.

[Anonymous]

What did you guys do for MLK Day? We made an enormous deal about it and we still talk about "What would Martin Luther King tell us to do?" in any situation. We've developed a little bit of a cult of MLK in our family and several of my son's friends have too, but I'm pretty comfortable with it. Then, any situation that calls for a morality discussion starts with discussing what MLK would say. We mostly talk about that MLK said to use your words, be good to everyone, and don't be mean to people based on whether they look like you. I have not read Natureshock and probably should, but for now, this has been really useful.

On MLK Day itself, we did a volunteer activity and made a little pilgramage to the MLK memorial. My son is only 3, so I didn't mention that he was assassinated. He talks about MLK in the present tense -- when he does something he's proud of (using words, being good to someone), he says MLK would be proud of him, and when he's frustrated he speculates on what MLK would advise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

Whoa. Try therapy.

I don't need therapy. My kid does not get to walk around unintentionally practicing to be in the KKK. We are Jewish, and people can't see that just by looking at us. We are lucky in that regard, because a lot of the same people who hate blacks hate Jews. When I overheard my kid singsong "No boys allowed" at age 4, I zipped right over and pulled her away from the playground structure to have a serious talk. We do NOT exclude people for how they were born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

If you do this to a 3.5 year old, the kid will stop sharing his weird thoughts but won't stop having them. If your goal is to raise a loving, reasonable person who can see that skin color is not relevant to a person's worth, you won't freak out on the kid. That's the worst thing you can do.

Oh, and to the hate speech poster. Get a grip. Preschoolers sometimes say they don't like any kid who is a boy or who is a girl. That doesn't make them inherent sexists. This kid has friends and role models who aren't white. He's not about to launch a hate campaign. He's apparently heard an adult or an older child say something terrible and he's trying to figure it out. He does want to know how his parents will react to his statements but screaming at him won't help. My white kindergartener, and many other young children, is so confused by the idea that anyone ever would or ever has treated people differently based on their skin that he keeps trying to figure out why. It makes no sense to him because it is nonsensical. The OP's young child isn't evil.

Wrong. My kid is now 12 and she shares all kinds of shit with me, both important and mundane and we have deep talks regularly. She is a loving, reasonable person despite the fact that I do not allow her to exclude people on the basis of how they were born. We talk about race, and we do not use hate speech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

Whoa. Try therapy.

I don't need therapy. My kid does not get to walk around unintentionally practicing to be in the KKK. We are Jewish, and people can't see that just by looking at us. We are lucky in that regard, because a lot of the same people who hate blacks hate Jews. When I overheard my kid singsong "No boys allowed" at age 4, I zipped right over and pulled her away from the playground structure to have a serious talk. We do NOT exclude people for how they were born.

No one is disagreeing that we won't allow our children to grow up to be racists. The question is what is the best method to get there. You think that fast and dramatic action is best, and apparently you think it is the best way to show your own non-racist bona fides, but I think your method can be counterproductive and my goal isn't to prove to others that my child isn't racist, my goal is to make him not racist. I don't want my child to not be racist because I told him so. I want him to know and understand human equality. OP can ask her child, calmly and quietly, if the child would be a different person with different eye color? Would mommy be different if she had a different skin color? No and no. OP's child has a best friend who is black; OP can ask the child how sad he would be if he hadn't become friends with that child. We can have a war on racism without bombing the crap out of small children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

If you do this to a 3.5 year old, the kid will stop sharing his weird thoughts but won't stop having them. If your goal is to raise a loving, reasonable person who can see that skin color is not relevant to a person's worth, you won't freak out on the kid. That's the worst thing you can do.

Oh, and to the hate speech poster. Get a grip. Preschoolers sometimes say they don't like any kid who is a boy or who is a girl. That doesn't make them inherent sexists. This kid has friends and role models who aren't white. He's not about to launch a hate campaign. He's apparently heard an adult or an older child say something terrible and he's trying to figure it out. He does want to know how his parents will react to his statements but screaming at him won't help. My white kindergartener, and many other young children, is so confused by the idea that anyone ever would or ever has treated people differently based on their skin that he keeps trying to figure out why. It makes no sense to him because it is nonsensical. The OP's young child isn't evil.

Wrong. My kid is now 12 and she shares all kinds of shit with me, both important and mundane and we have deep talks regularly. She is a loving, reasonable person despite the fact that I do not allow her to exclude people on the basis of how they were born. We talk about race, and we do not use hate speech.

She's 12. You keep suggesting that OP is somehow allowing or condoning hate speech or will in the future. This discussion is about approach, not about goal. You can be self-righteous all you want but it doesn't help OP figure out the best and most effective way to deal with this problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

Whoa. Try therapy.

I don't need therapy. My kid does not get to walk around unintentionally practicing to be in the KKK. We are Jewish, and people can't see that just by looking at us. We are lucky in that regard, because a lot of the same people who hate blacks hate Jews. When I overheard my kid singsong "No boys allowed" at age 4, I zipped right over and pulled her away from the playground structure to have a serious talk. We do NOT exclude people for how they were born.

You sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

Whoa. Try therapy.

I don't need therapy. My kid does not get to walk around unintentionally practicing to be in the KKK. We are Jewish, and people can't see that just by looking at us. We are lucky in that regard, because a lot of the same people who hate blacks hate Jews. When I overheard my kid singsong "No boys allowed" at age 4, I zipped right over and pulled her away from the playground structure to have a serious talk. We do NOT exclude people for how they were born.

No one is disagreeing that we won't allow our children to grow up to be racists. The question is what is the best method to get there. You think that fast and dramatic action is best, and apparently you think it is the best way to show your own non-racist bona fides, but I think your method can be counterproductive and my goal isn't to prove to others that my child isn't racist, my goal is to make him not racist. I don't want my child to not be racist because I told him so. I want him to know and understand human equality. OP can ask her child, calmly and quietly, if the child would be a different person with different eye color? Would mommy be different if she had a different skin color? No and no. OP's child has a best friend who is black; OP can ask the child how sad he would be if he hadn't become friends with that child. We can have a war on racism without bombing the crap out of small children.

Well said! +100000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

And your stridency and overreaction would be wildly inappropriate.

It's not uncommon for kids that age to express a dislike for someone with "dark skin" or "light skin." You don't shame them for feeling that way. It's normal. They're trying to articulate something but can't quite do it, and skin color is something they notice right away.

1) kids see differences, but do not usually develop value judgements based on those differences

2) even if it were "normal" developmental stage, lots of things are, but as parents we guide them to what is morally character and appropriate

3) It is no way shaming to tell a little kid that we do not value another person's worth based on their physicality, nationality, race, religion, etc. It is not shaming, it is DIRECTING, GUIDING, CORRECTING -- you know -- what a parent is supposed to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

If you do this to a 3.5 year old, the kid will stop sharing his weird thoughts but won't stop having them. If your goal is to raise a loving, reasonable person who can see that skin color is not relevant to a person's worth, you won't freak out on the kid. That's the worst thing you can do.

Oh, and to the hate speech poster. Get a grip. Preschoolers sometimes say they don't like any kid who is a boy or who is a girl. That doesn't make them inherent sexists. This kid has friends and role models who aren't white. He's not about to launch a hate campaign. He's apparently heard an adult or an older child say something terrible and he's trying to figure it out. He does want to know how his parents will react to his statements but screaming at him won't help. My white kindergartener, and many other young children, is so confused by the idea that anyone ever would or ever has treated people differently based on their skin that he keeps trying to figure out why. It makes no sense to him because it is nonsensical. The OP's young child isn't evil.

OMG -- You are plain wrong, mislead, misinformed, and just not that bright. You actually believe that you do not tell a child how to treat other people and then back it up by demonstrating that yourself? ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!!!!!!!!!
No one said anything about screaming at a child -- but you say it every seriously -- to convey the importance of it.
Geez!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you guys do for MLK Day? We made an enormous deal about it and we still talk about "What would Martin Luther King tell us to do?" in any situation. We've developed a little bit of a cult of MLK in our family and several of my son's friends have too, but I'm pretty comfortable with it. Then, any situation that calls for a morality discussion starts with discussing what MLK would say. We mostly talk about that MLK said to use your words, be good to everyone, and don't be mean to people based on whether they look like you. I have not read Natureshock and probably should, but for now, this has been really useful.

On MLK Day itself, we did a volunteer activity and made a little pilgramage to the MLK memorial. My son is only 3, so I didn't mention that he was assassinated. He talks about MLK in the present tense -- when he does something he's proud of (using words, being good to someone), he says MLK would be proud of him, and when he's frustrated he speculates on what MLK would advise.

This is hilarious to me. My preschool kiddo also developed a real love of MLK. All I can say is, I just absolutely love hearing him say "martin luther king junior" in his little voice. Anyway, yep, still a frequent topic of conversation here (we are AA and have a birthday in common with MLK so we've discussed before but there is some sort of new love for him since early Feb this year).