How to talk race and diversity with a preschooler?

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have tips on how to begin talking about race and diversity with preschool-aged kids? DS is 3.5 and has suddenly become very focused on differences and making broad statements like "what color will the haircutter be? If he has light skin I will like him, but if he has dark skin I will not," or "If the kids [at a party he was going to] have light skin I will play with them."

Now, we live in an urban area and are surrounded by diversity--we are white, but our block includes Asian American, African, and Indian neighbors (all loved by DS since babyhood). DS' best friend at school is African American, one of his two favorite teachers is Latino, and he has plenty of of classmates and teachers who run the racial/ethnic spectrum. So where the heck is this coming from?!? I can't imagine that it's school, and certainly not from home...?? He doesn't watch television and honestly doesn't have that much exposure to people other than us, our friends, or his classmates/teachers. We've talked about how his statements make no sense in light of the many friends and adults he knows and loves who are people of color, but he still seems to be dwelling on this.

Any favorite books or other tips for helping him navigate this? I know it's normal for preschoolers to notice and question differences (and certainly don't want to quell that curiosity) but we are especially concerned that he seems to have decided having light or dark skin has some value associated with it (yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that is the reality in the real world, but we're trying to at least start him off with some core values about equality!)

[Anonymous]

Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

[Anonymous]

There is a good chapter on this for parents in Nurture Shock by Bronson and Merryman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

+1 You really are taking this very lightly, OP. Get down on his level and make eye contact and set him straight. This isn't clever or cute and has nothing to do with his "curiosity".

[Anonymous]

If u don't talk like this (assume not- sounds liked things little kids would say) I wonder if kids at school are saying things. There's a Daniel tiger my kids just watched on differences that may be helpful as part of your conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

And your stridency and overreaction would be wildly inappropriate.

It's not uncommon for kids that age to express a dislike for someone with "dark skin" or "light skin." You don't shame them for feeling that way. It's normal. They're trying to articulate something but can't quite do it, and skin color is something they notice right away.

[Anonymous]

Um, why the hell do you need to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

Whoa. Try therapy.

[Anonymous]

"Jesus loves the little children. All the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they're precious in his sight. Jesus loves the children of the world."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

And your stridency and overreaction would be wildly inappropriate.

It's not uncommon for kids that age to express a dislike for someone with "dark skin" or "light skin." You don't shame them for feeling that way. It's normal. They're trying to articulate something but can't quite do it, and skin color is something they notice right away.

Wrong, wrong and wrong. Shame is a valuable emotion and this is something I would absolutely risk shaming them for. This is hate speech and needs to stop NOW. It is NOT normal to form a like or dislike to the color of a person's skin!!! I was a preschool teacher for ten years before I became a mother and I have NEVER heard this as a normal stage of development either in work or when I was getting my degree.

Children notice differences. Children are not naturally wired to form judgements based on physical differences.

I would stop this behavior immediately, OP, and make it clear to DC that his feelings/thoughts on this are incorrect.

[Anonymous]

This is nether normal behavior nor a "phase" that kids go through. Put a stop to it immediately, OP.

My DD was around this age when she laughingly told me that one of her classmates was "so fat". I stopped her in her tracks, got down on her level and looked her right in the eyes and told her that what she said was unkind and would hurt the little girl's feeling terribly if she heard DD. She understood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

And your stridency and overreaction would be wildly inappropriate.

It's not uncommon for kids that age to express a dislike for someone with "dark skin" or "light skin." You don't shame them for feeling that way. It's normal. They're trying to articulate something but can't quite do it, and skin color is something they notice right away.

Wrong, wrong and wrong. Shame is a valuable emotion and this is something I would absolutely risk shaming them for. This is hate speech and needs to stop NOW. It is NOT normal to form a like or dislike to the color of a person's skin!!! I was a preschool teacher for ten years before I became a mother and I have NEVER heard this as a normal stage of development either in work or when I was getting my degree.

Children notice differences. Children are not naturally wired to form judgements based on physical differences.

I would stop this behavior immediately, OP, and make it clear to DC that his feelings/thoughts on this are incorrect.

OMG. I am saying a prayer of gratitude that you are no longer a preschool teacher. You clearly know nothing about child development and have very extreme views on things. Praise the LORD you will only exude influence over your own children, although that's bad enough.

[Anonymous]

If you think this is a normal stage them my three kids were abnormal. None of them ever said something so hateful or damaging. And I certainly wouldn't have allowed them to think that way if they ever did say something so hateful.

Another little girl in my DD's preschool once told my DD that she didn't like her because she wasn't pretty. DD cried for a long time over this comment. The truth is we are not the best-looking people on the planet so was it just natural that this little girl noticed it and made a judgement about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy shit, if my kid said that her entire world would stop. "How would you feel if all the kids with the coolest toys wouldn't let you play because you're white? We are all the same on the inside. We all bleed red blood. Our own president is black. You really wouldn't play with his daughters because they have dark skin?"

I would make it VERY clear RIGHT AWAY that we don't treat people poorly or ignore them because of how they are born!

And your stridency and overreaction would be wildly inappropriate.

It's not uncommon for kids that age to express a dislike for someone with "dark skin" or "light skin." You don't shame them for feeling that way. It's normal. They're trying to articulate something but can't quite do it, and skin color is something they notice right away.

Wrong, wrong and wrong. Shame is a valuable emotion and this is something I would absolutely risk shaming them for. This is hate speech and needs to stop NOW. It is NOT normal to form a like or dislike to the color of a person's skin!!! I was a preschool teacher for ten years before I became a mother and I have NEVER heard this as a normal stage of development either in work or when I was getting my degree.

Children notice differences. Children are not naturally wired to form judgements based on physical differences.

I would stop this behavior immediately, OP, and make it clear to DC that his feelings/thoughts on this are incorrect.

OMG. I am saying a prayer of gratitude that you are no longer a preschool teacher. You clearly know nothing about child development and have very extreme views on things. Praise the LORD you will only exude influence over your own children, although that's bad enough.

Lord, you are an ignorant bore.

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain.

My four year old goes to a very mixed daycare where she is one of a few white kids in her class. I work in an industry dominated by African American professionals, and have spent a lot of my adult life as the only white woman in the room. Our church is really mixed. We have tons of books and media with characters who are not white, and what does my daughter say at the dinner table one night: "I don't like brown people."

Some of her best friends are brown, and they are incredibly sweet kids! We've watched that Daniel Tiger episode a lot, but the big thing we are doing is the Nurture Shock thing, so saying things like: "sometimes people are mean to other people because they have brown skin, that's not nice, we aren't mean to people because they have brown skin." "Sometimes people with light skin tell people with brown skin they can't plan, that's mean and it makes people with brown skin sad. We aren't mean to people because they have brown skin." Repeat, repeat, repeat. The Nurture Shock people stress that saying stuff like "we are all the same" is too vague for little kids.

For my daughter, I think some of it is Frozen-related. Daughter is blue eyed and blond and loves Elsa and wants to be Elsa, and it was post-Frozen that she started saying stuff like "I like having light eyes, I like having light hair."

From everything I've read, it is developmentally typical, but it sucks.