How do I deal with this? SN son not invited to party but he thinks he is

[Anonymous]

This happened to my son once. His friend was talking about his birthday party and he was telling my son he was invited, but I never received an invitation and I told my son that. My son kept asking about it and telling me that the boy told him that he is supposed to be invited, so I told him to tell his friend that I do not have an invitation. The Mom ended up emailing me a day before the party to invite him. Kind of circular, and my son would have survived not being invited, but it all worked out in the end. Personally, I just invite all the boys in his class. If someone contacted me to say their son (or daughter) wasn't invited, I would totally invite them on the spot, and I think most parents would do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our SN son who is in an inclusion classroom in 1st grade has been talking a lot about his classmate Larla's upcoming birthday party. Larla is an amazingly sweet child who is very warm and caring to my son despite his issues. He says Larla invited him several times and I'm sure she did since he had the date and the venue.

Unfortunately he was actually not invited. Another parent who is a friend checked the Evite and our son was not on the list so there's no chance of a misplaced email or something.

I have been hoping DS would forget about the party but he can read the calendar and knows it's coming up. Plus it's likely Larla will be talking about it at some point in class after she has had the party as she is a very talkative girl.

What should I do? Should I tell him up front that he's not invited and that you don't always get invited to everything? Seems kind of young for that kind of talk and in his mind he was invited by the girl even though the mother did not include him. Should I schedule a trip to go out of town on that weekend so that I can tell him we wouldn't be able to go anyway? He may throw a fit but we could cheer him up by going to visit our in-laws or something like that.

When my HFA DC was in 1st grade several boys told him that he was invited to their birthday parties, but he never was. It was part of the social dynamic in that class and my DC was on the bottom. It was a very hard year.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get this is difficult. I hate a special needs kid too but eh does not have behavioral problems. I would plan a special day and not play up the party. He clearly was not invited for what ever reason and most kids don't get what hurt they cause if they are not invited. We don't get invited to all the parties and I hate to say it, I'm relieved as my kid enjoys them and is well behaved but we don't enjoy parties. We do a special day or trip for our kids birthday as it isn't worth all this drama so we have been told that since we don't do parties, we don't recripicate and

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a third party mom you know who could ask? Someone who knows the other mom and can get the "yes/no" without you having to call directly?

See up thread. The OP already had a friend check the list.

She checked the list, but did she talk to the other mom to say "hey, Larla's been talking up this party and she invited Larlo"? Gives everyone some kind of out - OP doesn't have to ask directly, host mom can pretend to have "lost the e-mail address" and if the host mom really is horrible, then we know.

[Anonymous]

oh, this is so painful. I have two SN kids. This is why I am glad private schools have guidelines in the younger grades ("all girls" or "all boys" or "the entire class" or "3 kids" - whatever). It just hurts too much when your child is left out and everyone else is going and talking about it.

[Anonymous]

oops, and aren't always invited. My son has a few close friends with great families and that is plenty for now. The kid was probably talking without thinking and mentioned it as kids do. I would not put mom on the spot and basically force an invitation or decline as she has her reasons. Kids exclude kids, just as we were all as kids. Its great some families are inclusive but I don't expect everyone to be because of cost. Or, the flip, my son just went to a party and my guess is all the kids were invited and only two kids showed up (nice girl but they live 25 minutes from us so for other families even further). It was a great home party that everyone enjoyed including the parents and kids. It goes both ways. They had plenty of family and friends but very few school friends. Mom clearly put a lot of effort into it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't have a SN child so I'm not sure if my advice is helpful but if your child is the only child not invited, I would certainly say something. How horrible and rude of the parent. My child is in an inclusion classroom and I can not imagine how cruel the parent doing th inviting must be to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a third party mom you know who could ask? Someone who knows the other mom and can get the "yes/no" without you having to call directly?

See up thread. The OP already had a friend check the list.

She checked the list, but did she talk to the other mom to say "hey, Larla's been talking up this party and she invited Larlo"? Gives everyone some kind of out - OP doesn't have to ask directly, host mom can pretend to have "lost the e-mail address" and if the host mom really is horrible, then we know.

But if OP's son is not invited, that does not make the host mom horrible. Nowhere does it say that everyone in the class is invited, just a lot of people.
OP, you seem to be on the right track. I wouldn't be comfortable trying to wrangle an invite to a bday party either. I would probably just do something special with my son that day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a third party mom you know who could ask? Someone who knows the other mom and can get the "yes/no" without you having to call directly?

See up thread. The OP already had a friend check the list.

She checked the list, but did she talk to the other mom to say "hey, Larla's been talking up this party and she invited Larlo"? Gives everyone some kind of out - OP doesn't have to ask directly, host mom can pretend to have "lost the e-mail address" and if the host mom really is horrible, then we know.

Seems pushy--too much like guilting the mom to issue a pity invite.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your son's name is not on the address/mailing list of the inclusion classroom.
No kidding, mine was only listed in sped classroom although Dc spent majority of time in general classroom.
If Larla's mom doesn't even know you/your son well enough, she wouldn't have outcasted your son on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are lots of tacky parents out there. My niece has Downs Syndrome-so a really obvious disability but is a super sweet kid. A few months ago, some asshole parent invited every girl in the class to a party at the American Girl store except her. She was the only girl not invited.

I believe this, but I still find it hard to believe that someone could be so cruel.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say this as a special needs mom but there are so many types of special needs from developmental delays to behavioral problems. I would not invite one I thought would be a behavioral problem as the other kids copy and it becomes a nightmare. Instead of focusing on the why not, I'd focus on your child's behaviors and continue to get him help so he does better in organized situations. I don't think it is cruel if a kid has challenges but it is heartbreaking to that family. But, that one child can ruin a situation very quickly. It sounds like this is not OP situation but the fear from it. Maybe mom had other bad experiences in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our SN son who is in an inclusion classroom in 1st grade has been talking a lot about his classmate Larla's upcoming birthday party. Larla is an amazingly sweet child who is very warm and caring to my son despite his issues. He says Larla invited him several times and I'm sure she did since he had the date and the venue.

Unfortunately he was actually not invited. Another parent who is a friend checked the Evite and our son was not on the list so there's no chance of a misplaced email or something.

I have been hoping DS would forget about the party but he can read the calendar and knows it's coming up. Plus it's likely Larla will be talking about it at some point in class after she has had the party as she is a very talkative girl.

What should I do? Should I tell him up front that he's not invited and that you don't always get invited to everything? Seems kind of young for that kind of talk and in his mind he was invited by the girl even though the mother did not include him. Should I schedule a trip to go out of town on that weekend so that I can tell him we wouldn't be able to go anyway? He may throw a fit but we could cheer him up by going to visit our in-laws or something like that.

When my HFA DC was in 1st grade several boys told him that he was invited to their birthday parties, but he never was. It was part of the social dynamic in that class and my DC was on the bottom. It was a very hard year.

It could also mean the kids liked him and it was just a parent issue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our SN son who is in an inclusion classroom in 1st grade has been talking a lot about his classmate Larla's upcoming birthday party. Larla is an amazingly sweet child who is very warm and caring to my son despite his issues. He says Larla invited him several times and I'm sure she did since he had the date and the venue.

Unfortunately he was actually not invited. Another parent who is a friend checked the Evite and our son was not on the list so there's no chance of a misplaced email or something.

I have been hoping DS would forget about the party but he can read the calendar and knows it's coming up. Plus it's likely Larla will be talking about it at some point in class after she has had the party as she is a very talkative girl.

What should I do? Should I tell him up front that he's not invited and that you don't always get invited to everything? Seems kind of young for that kind of talk and in his mind he was invited by the girl even though the mother did not include him. Should I schedule a trip to go out of town on that weekend so that I can tell him we wouldn't be able to go anyway? He may throw a fit but we could cheer him up by going to visit our in-laws or something like that.

When my HFA DC was in 1st grade several boys told him that he was invited to their birthday parties, but he never was. It was part of the social dynamic in that class and my DC was on the bottom. It was a very hard year.

It could also mean the kids liked him and it was just a parent issue!

No it wasn't. He was heavily bullied that year. It was a mean group, we eventually transferred to another FCPS school because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to Larlas mother. It may be that only girls were invited and that's why he was left off. Or that she dowes the know they are friends.
Fwiw, you will be told by others that it is rude. However, if it were my child's birthday and they had invited friends at school that weren't on the evite, I'd like to know and I would extend the invitation since the birthday child obviously wants their friend invited.

This happened to us. I called the mother to let her know the birthday child invited us. She was mortified
and then lied to say it was a small party for just family. It was several years ago and still makes me so sad.

You can call to see but I would make fun backup plans, as well. The girl sounds sweet --
Maybe invite her for a play date to celebrate her birthday again?

I'm so sorry. It is painful for parent and child.

Wow, I think it's rude that you called her and put her in such an awkward spot.

Yes, in retrospect, I wish I hadn't. It was awkward all around.