I'm the DW and primary breadwinner, and I hate it

[Anonymous]

I hope some SAHMs are reading this. You all just don't have to worry about this type of stuff at all.

[Anonymous]

My sisters has not worked since 1997(well SAHM, worked outside the home). Most companies did not enougn have email yet. If her husband said he resents her b/c he is the only bread winner and she should go back to work, I do not know where she would start. Yikes! You people who think it is an easy thing for a 50 year old who has not worked in 20 some years to find a professional job are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

Why didn't you bring this up with your husband, OP, when your youngest child entered high school, so your husband would have 4 years to plan what comes next for him?

Why is it OP's responsibility to force her husband into contributing to his family?

It's not but sometimes SAHPs are delusional that their time at home will never end, and gently bringing it up years in advance can be helpful.

And the precedent here is very clear: most SAHMs never return to full time work with any meaningful income.

I'm a feminist and a SAHM, but I think this issue is overblown. It requires ingenuity, tenacity, and creativity, but reentering the workforce can certainly be done. Frankly, I think a lot of people like to make excuses rather than bust their butts trying to make it work for themselves.

You're not a feminist if you're a SAHM depending on a man's income.

[Anonymous]

This.

It is really really hard for SAHDs to return to work b/c it is so rare and unusual that employers assume it is cover for other problem (mental health, personal issues, etc). And their skills are very stale and he hasn't any recent experience.

And if your kids are leaving HS, your DH is probably 50ish? Men who have been working for 30 years who are unemployed at 50 often have very hard time finding a job; your DH really has no chance. He should hang a shingle and do some kind of contract project work (maybe start off with Amazon Mechanical Turk or eLance or something to build some kind of portfolio).

I suspect your DH sees the writing on the wall: he is unemployable in current labor market. But doesn't want to try to convince you so is "looking"


OP: I see your point. But he has managed many political campaigns, and consults regularly for free for our friends start up. I think he probably couldn't go traditional, but I envision start up or not for profit as options. He's not that stale and he's very very very bright.

I think it's great that he manages political campaigns and consults. It's great that he's engaged--it's good for his mental health. However that doesn't change that if he has been out of the workforce for a long time and getting a job that actually pays is a whole different story from volunteer work.

For what it's worth, my mother has a few SAH friends who were able to eventually get paying jobs from volunteer positions over a long period of time. One in particular volunteered for a nonprofit and they ended up hiring her for full time work. This is unusual, but not impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

Why didn't you bring this up with your husband, OP, when your youngest child entered high school, so your husband would have 4 years to plan what comes next for him?

Why is it OP's responsibility to force her husband into contributing to his family?

It's not but sometimes SAHPs are delusional that their time at home will never end, and gently bringing it up years in advance can be helpful.

And the precedent here is very clear: most SAHMs never return to full time work with any meaningful income.

I'm a feminist and a SAHM, but I think this issue is overblown. It requires ingenuity, tenacity, and creativity, but reentering the workforce can certainly be done. Frankly, I think a lot of people like to make excuses rather than bust their butts trying to make it work for themselves.

You're not a feminist if you're a SAHM depending on a man's income.

This is a rather sucky comment, and I am a male.

There's nothing un-feminist about being a SAHM, as long as it's a fair partnership where both parties treat each other with respect.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your DHs health like? Has he seen a doctor lately? Some men start slowing down around 50 due to circulation issues or depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your DHs health like? Has he seen a doctor lately? Some men start slowing down around 50 due to circulation issues or depression.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your DHs health like? Has he seen a doctor lately? Some men start slowing down around 50 due to circulation issues or depression.

From OP: He has cardiac issues, but has had them his whole life. He walks miles every day, is very compliant with medications, and keeps his weight normalized. But yes, it is an issue. However, it's never an issue when it's something that he wants to do, which has included traveling for our friends start up (friend pays his expenses) or working outside - he loves stone work and has built us lovely stone walls, gardens, patios, and walk ways, lifting 60 pounds of concrete and stone. There's always a project every year.

I don't know, I really agree with previous posters that his employment opportunities would have to be very creative and non traditional. I think that there are several industries that gray hairs are desirable - like funeral arrangement sales. Or life insurance. Or helping families coordinate elder care. I don't want to speak with a twenty year old for those things.....you get my point. I think there are helping professions that benefit from maturity. I think he could get hired seasonally on political campaigns. I want him to do something that he would find meaningful. But honestly, helping your spouse together meet financial retirement goals so that we could spend time together retired is pretty meaningful too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your DHs health like? Has he seen a doctor lately? Some men start slowing down around 50 due to circulation issues or depression.

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is your DHs health like? Has he seen a doctor lately? Some men start slowing down around 50 due to circulation issues or depression.

From OP: He has cardiac issues, but has had them his whole life. He walks miles every day, is very compliant with medications, and keeps his weight normalized. But yes, it is an issue. However, it's never an issue when it's something that he wants to do, which has included traveling for our friends start up (friend pays his expenses) or working outside - he loves stone work and has built us lovely stone walls, gardens, patios, and walk ways, lifting 60 pounds of concrete and stone. There's always a project every year.

I don't know, I really agree with previous posters that his employment opportunities would have to be very creative and non traditional. I think that there are several industries that gray hairs are desirable - like funeral arrangement sales. Or life insurance. Or helping families coordinate elder care. I don't want to speak with a twenty year old for those things.....you get my point. I think there are helping professions that benefit from maturity. I think he could get hired seasonally on political campaigns. I want him to do something that he would find meaningful. But honestly, helping your spouse together meet financial retirement goals so that we could spend time together retired is pretty meaningful too.

Actually, sales is probably one of the few careers where an older guy might be considered desirable. It's such as high-turnover field that employers aren't too picky. And older guys typically have better people skills and typically have a kinder, gentler way about them than young turks, which is often good for working with clients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

Why didn't you bring this up with your husband, OP, when your youngest child entered high school, so your husband would have 4 years to plan what comes next for him?

Why is it OP's responsibility to force her husband into contributing to his family?

It's not but sometimes SAHPs are delusional that their time at home will never end, and gently bringing it up years in advance can be helpful.

And the precedent here is very clear: most SAHMs never return to full time work with any meaningful income.

I'm a feminist and a SAHM, but I think this issue is overblown. It requires ingenuity, tenacity, and creativity, but reentering the workforce can certainly be done. Frankly, I think a lot of people like to make excuses rather than bust their butts trying to make it work for themselves.

You're not a feminist if you're a SAHM depending on a man's income.

This is a rather sucky comment, and I am a male.

There's nothing un-feminist about being a SAHM, as long as it's a fair partnership where both parties treat each other with respect.

What's fair about a guy sucking it up and going to work while the woman gets to stay home. Feminist/SAHM = oxymoron

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this is about principle here if anything else.

You should not have to be busting your butt on a daily basis just so you can support yourself and a husband who doesn't do anything all day long.

It seems to me like he has gotten a bit too comfortable in this lifestyle and now he is taking full advantage of it.

It is not fair that you have to support him while he gets to goof off all day.

I would give him an ultimatum OP.

Get a job or get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I have no idea. He goes to the chamber of commerce and volunteers, he has worked on political campaigns for no compensation. he doesn't cook. Household chores are minimal. We have a friend who is doing a start up and he works unpaid for him, when he feels like it.

I'm a SAHM and believe me, once you've been out of the workforce for a while the prospect of going back can be daunting. What do you even a apply for? This is a consequence of the decision (that you both made and both benefited from) to have a parent at home with the kids.

It's good that your husband has kept up some contacts through his volunteering with the chamber of commerce and political campaigns. Maybe those contacts can help him to get his foot in the door somewhere. It is bad that your husband is not doing much (if anything) to lighten your load - he isn't cooking, he isn't cleaning so that's all waiting for you when you walk through the door. That isn't fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, would you prefer if your DH got a job bagging groceries? That's likely all he can get at this point. Maybe he can work his way up to deli manager, or something.

If you think he is going to land a professional job at this point, keep dreaming. I have heard managers at my company say flat out that men who are out of the workforce for more than a year or two have zero chance of being considered because of the assumption that something is wrong with them.

The only exception might be if he goes back to school and gets a relevant degree or technical certification. A guy who graduated from college 20+ years ago and hasn't worked in almost as long is a long shot.

Eh, that might be a bit extreme. I posted earlier in this thread as a former SAHD for 6 years, from age 40 thru 45. I worked in IT, which of course is a rapidly advancing technical field. I went back to work in the same field after a six year absence, and actually went straight into a better position than the one that I left. It can happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I have no idea. He goes to the chamber of commerce and volunteers, he has worked on political campaigns for no compensation. he doesn't cook. Household chores are minimal. We have a friend who is doing a start up and he works unpaid for him, when he feels like it.

I'm a SAHM and believe me, once you've been out of the workforce for a while the prospect of going back can be daunting. What do you even a apply for? This is a consequence of the decision (that you both made and both benefited from) to have a parent at home with the kids.

It's good that your husband has kept up some contacts through his volunteering with the chamber of commerce and political campaigns. Maybe those contacts can help him to get his foot in the door somewhere. It is bad that your husband is not doing much (if anything) to lighten your load - he isn't cooking, he isn't cleaning so that's all waiting for you when you walk through the door. That isn't fair.

OP: no, actually, he kind of unilaterally made the decision on his own by quitting, and not becoming re-employed, but then we both agreed our life was better, our kids lives were better with a stay at home parent. Maybe those years ago I could have quit and left him holding the bag, and now it would have been me retired. It's not as clean as all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I have no idea. He goes to the chamber of commerce and volunteers, he has worked on political campaigns for no compensation. he doesn't cook. Household chores are minimal. We have a friend who is doing a start up and he works unpaid for him, when he feels like it.

I'm a SAHM and believe me, once you've been out of the workforce for a while the prospect of going back can be daunting. What do you even a apply for? This is a consequence of the decision (that you both made and both benefited from) to have a parent at home with the kids.

It's good that your husband has kept up some contacts through his volunteering with the chamber of commerce and political campaigns. Maybe those contacts can help him to get his foot in the door somewhere. It is bad that your husband is not doing much (if anything) to lighten your load - he isn't cooking, he isn't cleaning so that's all waiting for you when you walk through the door. That isn't fair.

OP: no, actually, he kind of unilaterally made the decision on his own by quitting, and not becoming re-employed, but then we both agreed our life was better, our kids lives were better with a stay at home parent. Maybe those years ago I could have quit and left him holding the bag, and now it would have been me retired. It's not as clean as all that.

Looking back, can you see the reasons why he suddenly quit his job to stay at home with the kids? What was the final straw for him? It seems like a pretty huge decision for one spouse to make alone without any input from the other spouse. I suppose it's good that the decision did work out for the betterment of your family. Now it's a matter of pulling together to make it work now.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP. Just divorce him.

Oh yeah. You don't want to pay alimony.

Sucks doesn't it!

Hahahahahaha!