I'm the DW and primary breadwinner, and I hate it

[Anonymous]

read this
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/431256.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave him.

No way. alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and former SAHD here. I sympathize. Your DH needs a kick in the pants.

My DH became the primary breadwinner in our household unexpectedly when the smaller company she worked for went through an big period of growth. She became a partner and VP. Big salary. Stock. Profit sharing. Suddenly she was making 4 times my salary.

When our kids were small (3 and 5) it was decided that I'd quit my position and stay with them. I was reluctant, but did so. I did the SAHD thing for ~6 years. I will tell you, it was HARD going back to work. You really get used to, how can I say this, being a man of leisure. And yes, once they're in school most all day, it's leisure. I don't care what anyone says about the difficulty of running a house. I did it all. It's not that hard.

I've been back in a professional position for 6 years now and I'm glad. But without DW saying "get off your ass and go to work" I don't know if I'd have done it on my own. I can admit that.

Lay down the law. He'll thank you for it later.

PP here. Typo. I meant DW became the primary breadwinner...

[Anonymous]

What the hell!

DH and I both work, but we've watched friends closely who SAH. I think SAHMs (and dads) only work if they do chores and everything else house wise. Personally I think SAHMs should have chores done and dinner on the table when the working spouse arrives home. It doesn't normally happen though. So many of our friends have SAH spouses who don't do chores, don't do laundry, don't cook, etc. There is so much resentment in those marriages on both sides (SAH spouse is jealous of the other spouse getting to go to work and leave and the other spouse is resentful of how hard it is to maintain everything on one income. )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the hell!

DH and I both work, but we've watched friends closely who SAH. I think SAHMs (and dads) only work if they do chores and everything else house wise. Personally I think SAHMs should have chores done and dinner on the table when the working spouse arrives home. It doesn't normally happen though. So many of our friends have SAH spouses who don't do chores, don't do laundry, don't cook, etc. There is so much resentment in those marriages on both sides (SAH spouse is jealous of the other spouse getting to go to work and leave and the other spouse is resentful of how hard it is to maintain everything on one income. )

I totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:read this
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/431256.page

I have a feeling that I know where this is going but can someone point to which page has the last post from the OP that someone else mentioned in this thread earlier? I really shouldn't be going through 27 pages right now and just want to see.

[Anonymous]

I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:read this
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/431256.page

OP: that poster - his kids were still little. And I really did appreciate my husband staying home when the kids were small and school age. Even though he was not masterful at running the house - I never had to take a sick day because kids were sick, or leave work to pick up kids at daycare or have those horrible fights when both spouses are working and stressed about who isn't pulling their weight. There are times I would have liked to be the stay at home parent, but oh well. It was what it was. It worked. Now that the kids are grown, I don't see that he just gets to "retire" and I have 20 years more in the work force. I'm really having a problem with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the hell!

DH and I both work, but we've watched friends closely who SAH. I think SAHMs (and dads) only work if they do chores and everything else house wise. Personally I think SAHMs should have chores done and dinner on the table when the working spouse arrives home. It doesn't normally happen though. So many of our friends have SAH spouses who don't do chores, don't do laundry, don't cook, etc. There is so much resentment in those marriages on both sides (SAH spouse is jealous of the other spouse getting to go to work and leave and the other spouse is resentful of how hard it is to maintain everything on one income. )

PP who was the SAHD here. Even if you're doing all that (and I did) it's still NOT THAT HARD. Think how many hours are in a day. If you've got babies, OK. But once they're not pooing themselves, and especially once they're off to elementary school, you've got HOURS to accomplish whatever needs accomplished. How many chores can their be in one house? Sorry SAHM's. I did it and would have continued to ride that pony as long as I could get away with. Thankfully DW gave me a kick.

As for as the OP, if your kids are that old he's not a SAHD. He's retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:read this
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/431256.page

OP: that poster - his kids were still little. And I really did appreciate my husband staying home when the kids were small and school age. Even though he was not masterful at running the house - I never had to take a sick day because kids were sick, or leave work to pick up kids at daycare or have those horrible fights when both spouses are working and stressed about who isn't pulling their weight. There are times I would have liked to be the stay at home parent, but oh well. It was what it was. It worked. Now that the kids are grown, I don't see that he just gets to "retire" and I have 20 years more in the work force. I'm really having a problem with that.

I think these are the words to say to him.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it's applicable, but I think is the post the PP were talking about. It is probably the right call since the kids in that breadwinner post were little. I don't know if that OP would feel the same way if those kids were heading to college...

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the hell!

DH and I both work, but we've watched friends closely who SAH. I think SAHMs (and dads) only work if they do chores and everything else house wise. Personally I think SAHMs should have chores done and dinner on the table when the working spouse arrives home. It doesn't normally happen though. So many of our friends have SAH spouses who don't do chores, don't do laundry, don't cook, etc. There is so much resentment in those marriages on both sides (SAH spouse is jealous of the other spouse getting to go to work and leave and the other spouse is resentful of how hard it is to maintain everything on one income. )

PP who was the SAHD here. Even if you're doing all that (and I did) it's still NOT THAT HARD. Think how many hours are in a day. If you've got babies, OK. But once they're not pooing themselves, and especially once they're off to elementary school, you've got HOURS to accomplish whatever needs accomplished. How many chores can their be in one house? Sorry SAHM's. I did it and would have continued to ride that pony as long as I could get away with. Thankfully DW gave me a kick.

As for as the OP, if your kids are that old he's not a SAHD. He's retired.

This.

It is really really hard for SAHDs to return to work b/c it is so rare and unusual that employers assume it is cover for other problem (mental health, personal issues, etc). And their skills are very stale and he hasn't any recent experience.

And if your kids are leaving HS, your DH is probably 50ish? Men who have been working for 30 years who are unemployed at 50 often have very hard time finding a job; your DH really has no chance. He should hang a shingle and do some kind of contract project work (maybe start off with Amazon Mechanical Turk or eLance or something to build some kind of portfolio).

I suspect your DH sees the writing on the wall: he is unemployable in current labor market. But doesn't want to try to convince you so is "looking"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM, single mom of two. Any spouse who is not pulling their weight should be ashamed. Either work earning money all day, or the house and kids better be ship-shape when the breadwinner comes home. That includes dinner, laundry, and keeping the children engaged, entertained, and learning.

OP your DH is not pulling his weight. He needs to step up.

If there were SAHMs here they'd be saying how hard it is to do ANYTHING other than take care of kids (I agree with you BTW). And the bonbon brigade would be sympathizing.

So when a DH acts like this he needs to step up. When a woman does, she's a hero doing "the most important job and no other."

Got it.

OP: our kids are GROWN. I did say I thought it was valuable and I appreciated his contribution when we were RAISING our kids, even though there were times I would have loved to trade places. There is NO higher purpose that he can pin staying at home for at this point. He won't negotiate a change, and it has me up in arms, even though I asked for some financial help, which I think is reasonable at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the hell!

DH and I both work, but we've watched friends closely who SAH. I think SAHMs (and dads) only work if they do chores and everything else house wise. Personally I think SAHMs should have chores done and dinner on the table when the working spouse arrives home. It doesn't normally happen though. So many of our friends have SAH spouses who don't do chores, don't do laundry, don't cook, etc. There is so much resentment in those marriages on both sides (SAH spouse is jealous of the other spouse getting to go to work and leave and the other spouse is resentful of how hard it is to maintain everything on one income. )

PP who was the SAHD here. Even if you're doing all that (and I did) it's still NOT THAT HARD. Think how many hours are in a day. If you've got babies, OK. But once they're not pooing themselves, and especially once they're off to elementary school, you've got HOURS to accomplish whatever needs accomplished. How many chores can their be in one house? Sorry SAHM's. I did it and would have continued to ride that pony as long as I could get away with. Thankfully DW gave me a kick.

As for as the OP, if your kids are that old he's not a SAHD. He's retired.

This.

It is really really hard for SAHDs to return to work b/c it is so rare and unusual that employers assume it is cover for other problem (mental health, personal issues, etc). And their skills are very stale and he hasn't any recent experience.

And if your kids are leaving HS, your DH is probably 50ish? Men who have been working for 30 years who are unemployed at 50 often have very hard time finding a job; your DH really has no chance. He should hang a shingle and do some kind of contract project work (maybe start off with Amazon Mechanical Turk or eLance or something to build some kind of portfolio).

I suspect your DH sees the writing on the wall: he is unemployable in current labor market. But doesn't want to try to convince you so is "looking"

OP: I see your point. But he has managed many political campaigns, and consults regularly for free for our friends start up. I think he probably couldn't go traditional, but I envision start up or not for profit as options. He's not that stale and he's very very very bright.